Farewell, my dear lover...

Just like that, I left his place, left him with red eyes and barely dried tears. I could still taste the saltiness of his tears (and snot...) when I kissed him on the lips goodbye.

I care about him, I love him, more than I have anyone I have ever met. I imagined a future together, a future with cats and children, a lovely little home and the time to jet around the world (chasing after aeroplane miles...), but our past has been fraught with complications, difficulties and me withholding.

He cried, and cried and cried when he came to see me. We eventually ended up at his place because he had been crying so much I didn't want him to be alone and hurting by himself. So I 'escorted' him home, clandestinely stroked him leg as we sat together on the metro, and saw how red and moist his eyes still were. I have never seen anyone cry like that, sob like that, and I did what I could to hold him, to caress him, to whisper to him that it is all ok...

He had a good time away with the guy he is so into, and the rest... The rest I do not need to know. I hope he is truly happy, and hope he can find his peace. For too long my ex's has been stuck between two people. And now he seems to have found a way to move on. Move on to be with someone else, or at least, try to be with someone else.

So I did what I could: I let him go.

As much as it hurts me, disappoints me, as much as it tears me up inside, especially at a time when I am so heavily struck by mum's condition, I let him go. Not on bad terms. Not with exchanges of angry words, not swearing and without ill feelings (though I admittedly I may at times have been snappy and curt...). It was that easy, even though it was so very hard...

For I love him, I care about him more than anyone I have met. I care about and love him more than anything, more than myself, because as I told him, in caring about him and loving him, he taught me to love and care for myself. And because of him, because we were together for however brief a time, because we are now apart, I love myself more. More and more, I can now see the beauty in my own smile that i have never seen before. I am sad, broken, lost, but I care about myself now, care enough not to drown myself in pain and hurt. At least not for long.

I gave him the freedom he always wanted. I gave him freedom from me, freedom from being responsible for me. I have given him everything, everything... My affection, my love, my heart, my mind, my body, my deepest, darkest secrets, my most wonderful and childish dreams... He knows everything about me, knows me more and better than I know myself perhaps. I have no regrets ever giving myself completely to him, ever making myself vulnerable and weak in front of him. I did it because he, with all his care and affection, support and intimate touches, allowed me to give myself up. He opened me up like no one ever has, because he touched me so, because he touched me and soothed me and my past and present pains in ways no one ever could. But I gave him all I could give him, all I could possibly give anyone, too late.

I apologised for all the hurt I have caused him, for all the hurt and tears I am causing him still. I have been petty and mean, I have been selfish and did not see how good he was for me when he was there for me, fully and completely. And look where we are now... Crying, feeling frightened of forever losing perhaps the best person either of us have encountered, and scared to let go.

I thanked him, thanked him again and again, with words, with little kisses on his cheeks and head, with strokes of his face, caresses of his body. Thanked him for he has been so caring, so loving, so supportive for so long, and still wants to be there for me. I thanked him, for all the memories, all those beautiful moments together. I thought and imagined often there would be more, that I could build a future and life with him. But now he has found something else, found someone else, and I must let him go, let him find what he really needs in life, find out what makes him happy. Isn't that what anyone and everyone wants? Just to be happy. A happiness that is lasting and deep, meaningful and uncomplicated.

He tells me he loves me, how he loves me so much. He told me that and mouthed that to me as I turned to leave. Only he knows what he truly feels, and I will take his word that he loves me, and find comfort in that. Even if everything that is happening, even if what he is doing seems to contradict that... He tells me he can think of being with no one else who is kinder, more generous and caring, and that he still imagines us being together one day. But today is not that day. I listened, let the pain and sourness those words made in my heart pass over me, and just let things be. Whatever will be, will be.

Just like that, I left his apartment. I gave him many hugs before we parted. With each passing moment, with each passing second, I silently wished him strength, happiness and peace... Wished, like I wished when I held and hugged mum, that whatever positive energy, love and metta I have in me would flow from my body into his...

Strength to find himself and to pick himself up again after this ugly and long-drawn out episode of hurt and being torn between two people... happiness to make him smile and laugh and face every day with hope and pleasure... and I wished him peace, the peace to find himself, to carefully look inward and realise what it is that truly matters in life. Strength, happiness and peace to weather whatever obstacles that may come his way, strength, happiness and peace to carry on even if I am no longer around to give him that...

Farewell, my lover, farewell...
Be strong, happy, and peaceful.