So, at 01.00, I lie in bed, looking at the stars, wondering what my future will hold. I've already finished my university. Gosh, it was almost a year ago. This time last year, sleepless nights were common...as I tried to stay awake, cramming in all I could in the last weeks till the final finals. I remember watching stars at night too, as I lay on the grass in central London during my twenty minute breaks between studies...those were the nights!
The sky at night...
Now, almost a year on in my gap year, I 'm still as, or even more, clueless as what to do in the future. What do I want in life? What is suitable for me? How do I go about achieving it? Can I achieve what I want? What will my parents, or other people think? At just 21, these are questions I feel I shouldn't been answering. I feel I should be exploring the world more to answer these questions, and not be stuck one place and in one (confused) mindset and worrying myself to desperation, but without any results. At 21, I see others my age partying, having fun, enjoying life and , most of all, living life...but I go from day to day, wondering what I have done, wondering what I have yet to accomplish.
Been at the Van Vollenhoven Institute at Universiteit Leiden for almost a year, as a 'stagiair' (intern). I thought the experience would give me a guid to what I want. Maybe it has, but I don't realise it. Maybe the words and attitudes of people and work in the past few months have shaped me, unconsciously, towards refining my idea(l)s. In any case, my honeymoon routine of going to work and going home again is almost over. Now I must decide.
Choices have been made. Indonesia and Taiwan are my next big items on the agenda. I hope to do some research in both countries on the rights and situation of Indonesian migrant workers, probably with an emphasis on female domestic workers, in Taiwan. The motivation is partly personal, but also out of interest and facination of an issue which I feel is ever-present, embracing so many issues and ideas, and important today and tomorrow. The question now is how long I will stay in Asia. I had planned to stay until August and return to do a masters in Public International Law. But after a talk with my boss/professor, those plans have been thrown into doubt. He was right in saying I could afford another year out. Why should I dive into a study so quickly, when I don't even know what I want to do with it? Join an NGO! Experience the world, experience the people's lives! See 'life in the field'! It's all good advice, and I would ideally want to do it all...but then somethings are holding me behind. What will my parents think? Especially my dad, who I have not spoken with for so long...what would he think now? He wasn't too happy I stopped studying to do an intership. He wants me to study as high as possible and as quickly as possible, but he doesn't seem to understand that I want to take it slower. I've absorbed so much, and have had to endure so much alone the past few years, I just need to have time on my own, to reflect, to think, and most of all, to live!
So the question remains unanswered...what to do now? Ideally I would postpone my studies again till next year. In the meantime, go to Asia, do the NGO experience, do a research paper, join some other extra curricular activities, return in November at the latest to Europe...and then hope that I can get a job/intership somewhere so I can feed myself until my studies start. An internship at the International Court of Justice or International Criminal Court would be perfect! A friend of mine is there now, earning €1000 a month as an intern...imagine the exposure, the experince, and how it would look on your cv! But then now it's all a dream, a dream I dream without even going to sleep!
I am nowhere closer to answering all the questions I wanted answered, but at least I have written. I feel writing is like releasing all the energies and frustrations inside. It frees, it soothes, it defines and organises my thoughts, and it hopefully will be something to look back one day and allow me to relflect: how far I have come!
"Que sera, sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not for us to see,
Que sera, sera"
