Anniversary eve

The teddy bear mum gave me and said  I should keep forever, for he would protect me after she is gone, is lost... I thought of him tod thesy because I was planning to organise a ceremony to honour my mum. This will be the first time that bear will not be attending the ceremony.

But what matters is that I attend, that I still remember, that I still cherish the moments mum and I had together, however difficult the remembering may be sometimes. 

I've been emotional for the past week or so, partly due to this, partly due to some upheavals in relationships with friends. At the end of the day,  what is more important? I choose to focus my energies on commemorating mum, and it is energy and time much better spent.

With the help of a friend, I managed to get a hold of a whole chicken, cut up and nicely presented. It is perhaps the most important dish, the most symbolic dish. Chicken is homynous with "family" in the native language I used to speak to mum in, a language I have not used much since she left. Chicken symbolises continuity of family, of family relationships even after the departure of a loved one. I will offer this chicken to mum, and remember when I take bites into it.

Two years now, according to the lunar calendar, since mum left this world. I remember all that , events of that very day so vidivdly .... How I wrote a note and left it in her pocket, my final note to mum, my final farewell note.... How I held her hand till the very last moment, till the very last breath...

Two years... Two years...

I hope mum is doing well. I miss her terribly, more on days, painfully on other days. I think of her fondly. She was my mother, the one who have me love and affection and taught me all about honesty, giving, kindness and compassion... The one who showed me kindness, love, warmth and affection I have never experienced in my life, and I doubt willl ever experience again in the same way.

This night I remember the moments, the final houes  I spent next to mum's bedside.

Tomorrow I will honour her presence, her love, and her life.

Mum, I miss you...

Eve

How do you break the mould of grief and and mourning? How do you resist the temptation of feelings that are so easy because they are seemingly all around you?

Do something different. 

Leave familiar places and people and go somewhere new.

Why is it that I've been traveling so much these past few years? Partly because of wanting to be with mum, but now that episode has come to a close, its because traveling makes me forget, or at the very least remember less the painful and difficult moments and traumas, and allows me to see more of the world that for so long had been darkened by the shadows of illness and death. 

It does not matter most other people do not understand it.

It matters only that I realise I need it to heal and make me whole again. because, as a friend recently told me, I have come a long long way on my own. How...? I don't know how... I stumbled and fell and cried more than ever before on my own.

From grief and loss to venturing into unchartered and potentially dangerous territories. These are not small feats, most people do not realise.

On the eve of the second anniversary of lice without mum , without a parent, I close my eyes and blink away the tears and fears. I blink away the pain, the emptiness, the sorrow and the void.

I will break away.

Who can do no wrong?

You who can do no wrong. 

Used my place for two weeks in a row , but did not have even a few moments to make sure the place is relatively clean, left nacho chips and chocolate stains on the bed. 

And turning to accuse me of being ungrateful? Just because you helped return a beloved item of clothing to me means that you can leave a mess behind and that I should be ok with it all? 

And I'm the one acccused of lacking in social etiquette (at a time when I was mourning, no less). Where is the compassion, understanding and being the supportive friend you claim to be?

In some ways I feel sorry for you, for you seem to believe everyone is fooled by your lies and attempts to cover up things and manipulate people and facts. One day, you may wake up and find yourself tangled in a web of lies. 

I have told you before how you should 've very careful what you do and be wary of what people say about you when you are not around. You really believe every time you visit it's all fun and games and people welcome you with such warmth? You would be sick at the things people say about you, how they laugh at you and the way you blunder and make a mockery out of relationships. The past few years have just been a joke to our friends, and some are just too ashamed too admit it perhaps because it gives them joy to watch what nonsense you will get into next. 

Say nothing...

And I am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all

And I will stumble and fall
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl

Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
Anywhere I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I will swallow my pride
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye

Departures

It felt so real, so heart-wrenching.

I saw myself on the way to the airport, and my mum was net to me.
I just broke down in tears from the anticipated farewell. It felt like I would never see her again after seeing her off.

Mum sat next to me and touched my arm. I cried even more.
I could not bear it...

where was she going?
Why did she have to leave?

I cried even more as though questions tore through my mind and seared my heart.

Then suddenly was the empty airport hall. I was all alone. All alone.
I fell to the ground sobbing like a wounded animal...

T- 6.

Departures

It felt so real, so heart-wrenching.

I saw myself on the way to the airport, and my mum was next to me. 

I just broke down in tears from the image, the sight of mum.