But my feelings and mind has become so disturbed lately, that I just felt I needed to talk to someone I can really relate to on various levels. Sure, friends are helpful, but the monk I met a few years ago has since become my guide and refuge, and so as I last resort I gave him a call.
I felt embarrassed at first, especially having not been in touch for a while. But quickly we got talking, and connected like I just saw him yesterday, even though it's been over half a year since we last saw one another. I begun 'unloading'... about my frustrations at having to drop everything, about my fears for my mum's health, about me feeling envious of other people who seem (to my mind) to have such easy lives (and loves)... about the negativity and toxic feelings welling up inside.
"Be easy on yourself! Love yourself" the monk said. "Give yourself love and kindness. Of course we will have angry feelings, negative feelings. We are not enlightened beings. We're not like the Buddha. When there is anger, realise there is anger, and watch that anger come and go."
I smiled as I listened to him. All this ideas are within me, all these principles have been repeated to me at different times, at the meditation retreats I've been on, and I understand them (I think...) But really, practice is the most difficult bit. Practising the teachings of letting go, of taking life not so seriously, of not being so hard on yourself and so self-hating.... that's the a big hurdle to overcome. I see and feel the anger and frustration and sadness. And that is already the first step-- a step more than a lot of people.
And I realise that these feelings are impermanent, are not part of me, are one day or at any one moment going to go away and vanish as quickly as they appeared. That's already another step further.
The next step is cultivating patience, self-love and embracing those feelings simply as they are, without clinging or without wanting to get rid of them. Patience takes time and energy... to simply 'be' and 'see' the negative emotions, but not be caught up in them, not to be dragged down deeply by them. And if you want too much to get rid of something, it seems to take root even deeper than ever. Just notice the feelings... just watch them. If it's anger, then just note "There is anger... there is anger..." If it's sadness... then note, "there is sadness, there is sadness". They will not be there forever.
And self-love, perhaps the most difficult of all, especially for me. To love myself, embrace myself for who I am, with all my flaws and gouts and illness. It takes courage to admit to myself that I'm not a perfect being, that I'm just someone who is trying to live a good life, trying to live according to the Buddha's teachings on true happiness and loving-compassion. But true happiness develops from within, develops in the depth of someone who is contented with who he is, how he is, even if at times he is frustrating and angry. Even if at times he may behave in ways or say things that are unwholesome and unkind.
"You're one of the kindest persons around, and I'm around over sixty!" he said to me. I felt myself blush as he mentioned the good and kind qualities that I possess (and I'm not writing all this to inflate myself with pride and ego...). So why can't I see that? Why can't I see those qualities in the moments when depression and glum overwhelms my mind? Why can't I see and remind myself of all the things I have done for others, of all the lengths I am willing to go to (sometimes literary) to take care of someone, to reduce someone's pain and discomfort? Why can't I remember how many times someone has said any parent would be proud to have me as a son ? (actually, someone did say this to me today, again).
"You're really someone who needs love and warmth", the monk said, as if he knew me better than I know myself. I do need someone to fill me, to replenish my often drained and exhausted mind and soul. Sure, I have a cat, who makes me feel warm and fuzzy whenever I pet her and whenever I hear her purr. But there's only so much my cat can give me. I have yet to find someone, yet to meet someone who will make me feel fulfilled and whole, to give me what I need to satisfy my emotional and physical needs (of course, in moderation and fully knowing that all these are all impermanent). But that moment will come when it will come.
"Thank you," I said, once more like so often filled with gratitude and being so touched that someone (actually, many people) out there cares so much to listen, to care, and to keep encouraging me to go on being myself, to go on improving myself, despite the obstacles in my path.
I'm not sure how long this feeling of renewed hope and encouragement will last, or whether they are enough to battle the demons and manifestations of my own fears and unwillingness to accept things as they are. But have patience... be kind to myself... accept myself, embrace myself. And leave tomorrow or the next feeling in the next moment to exactly that: the next moment.
