While I am here by myself, sweltering in the heat and trying to pick up my thesis work, mum is enjoying life with my brother and sister-in-law, and the cooler climate in Europe. And that is great! It really is.
"He really has changed," mum said, referring to my brother. She has not seen him so happy and put so much effort into something the way he is busy nowadays preparing for the arrival of the baby. Yesterday, they went to the gynecologist, and for the first time, mum heard the baby's heart beat broadcast on speakers. I don't know if they also managed to see echographs of the first baby of my family's next generation. I could hear the happiness and excitement in mum's voice, and that was so very moving.
The way she described how things are there, and how well mum is getting along with brother and my sister-in-law made filled me with such joy I was close to tears (yes, I am for some reason very emotional these days still...).
It is just as I had hoped, and not as I had feared. However much I would like to go there and be with them, deep down I would like them to spend time together. However much I would like to go and enjoy hiking around the forests behind house, or go walking on the beach at sunset with them, I want them to bond, to have and make precious memories together. I have had my many moments with mum, and it is their turn. Mum also needs to have the moments alone with brother (and my sister-in-law) to talk about things that perhaps they would otherwise not do if I were hanging around all the time. For, if anything should happen, the experience of living and being together these coming few weeks will provide mum, brother, and his wife with beautiful moments they can always recall and cherish.
22 July 2011
21 July 2011
summer storm
Sat on my balcony, and watched the dark clouds brighten and dim like an exciting fireworks display. A summer storm is expected, for it has been simmering, gathering, hoarding the rain and tensions and coolness in dense clouds that slowly, slowly approached the city. A release of all that pent up frustration, all that fury from the oppressive and unbearable heat will be a welcome change.
I began writing, and now I feel the soothing drops of rain splash on my feet, skin and face. The lightning came quietly, without the thunder, and finally, the heat is gradually dissipating as the rain cools the earth an the night. The rain is not as heavy as anticipated, the release perhaps not as orgasmic as imagined. Or, perhaps, the dripping wet rain is waiting for its passion to brew and ripen?
After the wet release, there follows a gentle calm, a clean fresh start from the delirious heat of day.
I hope to sleep better tonight...
I began writing, and now I feel the soothing drops of rain splash on my feet, skin and face. The lightning came quietly, without the thunder, and finally, the heat is gradually dissipating as the rain cools the earth an the night. The rain is not as heavy as anticipated, the release perhaps not as orgasmic as imagined. Or, perhaps, the dripping wet rain is waiting for its passion to brew and ripen?
After the wet release, there follows a gentle calm, a clean fresh start from the delirious heat of day.
I hope to sleep better tonight...
20 July 2011
18 July 2011
war museum
Visiting the Canadian War Museum, seeing images of mangled bodies and souls, staring in the eyes of forlorn victims, of soldiers longing for loved ones, of relatives waiting and praying, you realise what true loss means.
War, conflict, skirmish... They mean the same, just words that try to capture and water down the magnitude of agony and suffering, destruction and despair, madness and chaos, senselessness and the human ingenuity to inflict an unleash pain on others, and the environment all around.
War, conflict, skirmish... They mean the same, just words that try to capture and water down the magnitude of agony and suffering, destruction and despair, madness and chaos, senselessness and the human ingenuity to inflict an unleash pain on others, and the environment all around.
Change
A friend came over tonight, and we chatted and caught up on one another's lives over the past two months.
I unloaded what has been on my mind a lot... the constant struggle trying to reconcile events that have been unfolding in my life. "Change," my friend told me, "Sometimes it is best to make changes to your life." Change your perspective on things, do new things, meet new friends and leave the past behind. Dwelling on things will not help, for I have so much to live for, I have so much potential. And my duty is to my own happiness, to my own wellbeing, which I often neglect in my willingness to be there and offer myself to others.
Focus on the big picture, on the long term perspective, on the happy things in life that are unfolding. Change, for the better.
I unloaded what has been on my mind a lot... the constant struggle trying to reconcile events that have been unfolding in my life. "Change," my friend told me, "Sometimes it is best to make changes to your life." Change your perspective on things, do new things, meet new friends and leave the past behind. Dwelling on things will not help, for I have so much to live for, I have so much potential. And my duty is to my own happiness, to my own wellbeing, which I often neglect in my willingness to be there and offer myself to others.
Focus on the big picture, on the long term perspective, on the happy things in life that are unfolding. Change, for the better.
17 July 2011
illusions
It told me to imagine, for imagination is reality, is what is beautiful. This world, the reality of it is but an illusion, ere changing, ever dying. But imagination cannot die, it lives on in dreams, fantasies and as long as the mind is open...
"If you want to be with what you're magnetizing, you have to put yourself in the picture..." ('Illusions', R. Bach)
I closed my eyes, let the evening breeze mingled with the scene of green grass and a sun-beaten lake, wash over...
I imagine lying on the grass with my eyes closed. I imagine I am not alone, but in the warm embrace of another. A beautiful person, soft and warm hearted, caring and understanding, lying next to me. No complications, no conditions, no expectations. Just being, just being together and savoring the moment together, just savoring life together.
I imagine the grass field, a little damp from the morning dew, his body, skin to skin, next to me. I imagine our eyes are closed, but our hearts are open to one another. No secrets, no things unsaid, no feelings unclear.
I imagine the breeze blowing over our bodies, covering us in a gentle blanket of air. I imagine that we can lie together in that position, that we can always somehow find ourselves in a similar position under different circumstances, at different points in our shared lives, and never ever tire of one another.
That is my imagination.
And that is reality.
"If you want to be with what you're magnetizing, you have to put yourself in the picture..." ('Illusions', R. Bach)
I closed my eyes, let the evening breeze mingled with the scene of green grass and a sun-beaten lake, wash over...
I imagine lying on the grass with my eyes closed. I imagine I am not alone, but in the warm embrace of another. A beautiful person, soft and warm hearted, caring and understanding, lying next to me. No complications, no conditions, no expectations. Just being, just being together and savoring the moment together, just savoring life together.
I imagine the grass field, a little damp from the morning dew, his body, skin to skin, next to me. I imagine our eyes are closed, but our hearts are open to one another. No secrets, no things unsaid, no feelings unclear.
I imagine the breeze blowing over our bodies, covering us in a gentle blanket of air. I imagine that we can lie together in that position, that we can always somehow find ourselves in a similar position under different circumstances, at different points in our shared lives, and never ever tire of one another.
That is my imagination.
And that is reality.
Baby's room
Through skype they showed me the baby's room. Beautifully painted in a light brownish shade, with shapes of stars and planets as decor on the wall face. There is a set of white furniture my brother spent two days assembling, and in the closet, already half filled with clothes that mum just both grandmas are fighting to buy for the baby. How lucky the baby is, and he is not even born yet!
In the corner of the room was a blue doll. I couldnt recognize it at first, then upon closer look, I saw it was a handmade rabbit doll I bought for the babu in Halifax two weeks ago. I could not contain my smile seeing all the cute little toys, the Miffy dolls, the stroller, the stacks of nappies. And I could see mum wad really getting very excited too, which is a big plus for her general wellbeing and health.
Tomorrow is the official wedding day, but shame I cannot be there with them to celebrate. Buy I have already sent them my best wishes, and gifts, and tomorrow I will think of them, and miss them dearly...
In the corner of the room was a blue doll. I couldnt recognize it at first, then upon closer look, I saw it was a handmade rabbit doll I bought for the babu in Halifax two weeks ago. I could not contain my smile seeing all the cute little toys, the Miffy dolls, the stroller, the stacks of nappies. And I could see mum wad really getting very excited too, which is a big plus for her general wellbeing and health.
Tomorrow is the official wedding day, but shame I cannot be there with them to celebrate. Buy I have already sent them my best wishes, and gifts, and tomorrow I will think of them, and miss them dearly...
dream
Had such a rough night, lying in bed with so many thoughts in my head. There were so many things i wanted to say out loud to someone, but i could not, just cannot, at least not at this moment. It was getting brighter and burghers by the time I lost consciousness.
I slept badly, and a dream woke me up. I felt like I was late for something, to catch a train I think (tomorrow I need to wake up early to do just that). But in the dream I overslept and by the time I woke up, I had already missed my train, and missed the time I needed to be there for an appointment.
Then in my dream, as I sat there on my bed realising I had missed my train, my thought suddenly turned to mum in the next room. I quickly ran to her room, for she had a plane to catch, and at that she already missed it by two days. How could I completely forget about her flight, I found myself scolding myself in the dream. I entered her room, and indeed she was still sleeping, and just waking up when I walked in. She looked distraught.
I woke up from my, and was so powerfully overwhelmed by a deep deep realisation... Mum is not there any more. I started to moan out loud from the pain of realisation, and I cried, even there were no tears coming out...
I slept badly, and a dream woke me up. I felt like I was late for something, to catch a train I think (tomorrow I need to wake up early to do just that). But in the dream I overslept and by the time I woke up, I had already missed my train, and missed the time I needed to be there for an appointment.
Then in my dream, as I sat there on my bed realising I had missed my train, my thought suddenly turned to mum in the next room. I quickly ran to her room, for she had a plane to catch, and at that she already missed it by two days. How could I completely forget about her flight, I found myself scolding myself in the dream. I entered her room, and indeed she was still sleeping, and just waking up when I walked in. She looked distraught.
I woke up from my, and was so powerfully overwhelmed by a deep deep realisation... Mum is not there any more. I started to moan out loud from the pain of realisation, and I cried, even there were no tears coming out...
One night
A lot can happen in one night. Many unexpected things and people you may encounter that can change the way you think about yourself, about your life and experiences.
A lot can happen in one night. Minds are cleared, at least for the short while they are open and aired, decisions are made, at least for that moment when there is clarity and certainty.
It takes only one night, or just one split second, and things can change forever.
A lot can happen in one night. Minds are cleared, at least for the short while they are open and aired, decisions are made, at least for that moment when there is clarity and certainty.
It takes only one night, or just one split second, and things can change forever.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)