Cleansing

I have moments when I saw myself from afar: eyes tired from lack of sleep, my face heavy with thoughts and worries, my body weak and slouching from fatigue and longing... Yes, I am exhausted, smiling still because I always manage to, but mentally and physically drained and frustrated.

Who could I turn to and talk about this without feeling like I'm burdening the person? My ex, my former confidante and rock who has been around for so long, seems to be caught in his own fatigue and emotional issues that these days feel i have much difficulty in talking to him. Other than the nagging and unanswered questions of whether he still care and whether he really wants to listen to me lament about how I'm feeling after long hard days at work, I know myself to be truly strong, and to truly get to the bottom of my problems, I must turn to myself for help.

I am trying. Trying I really am to take time out to travel. Or at least that is the plan. I've been wanting to go to India for a while now, and I remember so many moments when mum slowly declined, I said to myself, and on occasion to her, I'll go to India one day when all is over.

And now all is over, and I should live up to my promise-- to myself to and to mum.

But plans change, and nothing ever goes according to plan. Despite having booked a ticket almost a month ago, increasingly I've encountered obstacles on my way to leave... Visa problems, time issues, work still to be done, preparations I should do for a trip into an unknown land that does not have a reputation for being safe or hygienic...I've had to cancel my tickets today because first of all, the notices the price I paid is exorbitant compared to how much I only have to pay now, barely two weeks before my intended departure. And it may have been worth it if I were flying on the latest Dreamliner for part of my journey... But even that is not happening because of delays in delivery the new plane...
So after weeks of wrangling, searching and finally sitting down to buy a ticket, I'll need to start all over again...

I am frustrated, feeling pressed for time, feeling pressure from work, and generally feeling like a failure because things are not as simple and as easy as I thought or planned. Why is it that other people can just book a flight and just depart so easily, whereas I'm wondering about the ifs and whens or hows?

Well, all I can say is life is always changing, and I am experiencing it fully, whether I like it or not...

N

Operation Secret Adoption

I went into the animal shelter for my weekly volunteering period. It was quite empty compared to when I first started over a month ago. My heart sank when I could not find "my cat"... The very cat which was till today the object of "Operation Secret Adoption".

I fell in love with this Russian Blue cat, beautiful soft eyes and gray hair. On her chest is a white tuft, and after I sent a picture of the cat to my ex, he came up with a name for her: Tufty (her name at the shelter was Geisha...)

The cat would affectionately butt me with her head whenever I approached. I must admit, she melted my heart and made me feel so loved. And how she purred and purred when i stroked her soft fur, rubbed her chin and cheeks...
So affectionate is she...

For some reason my ex fell in love with her, even though he'd never seen her or played with her. He kept on saying he wants to adopt her, and I secretly planned to make it happen, to give him Tufty as a birthday gift. I asked about it, but problem is she needs to be adopted alone, and I already have a cat, and with my planned trips away I could not possibly adopt a cat and leave two cats at home... They'd have a... Cat fight!

When I opened the door to the room where Tufty stayed in for so many weeks, she was not there. My heart sank. There was an adoption drive this weekend, and she left along with 15 other cats.

In a way I'm happy for the elegant little gray missus, and I hope she has an owner who will give her all the love and affection she deserves till her ripe old age... I am sad and disappointed because I have been planning clandestinely to surprise my ex with the cat, and came up with these little ideas on how to keep it a secret until his birthday. I even got cards with cats on it and also printed out a picture of Tufty to include in a birthday package I'm planning to give/leave him (as I won't be there on the day itself)...I even dreamed that this would be another way to cement our relationship. Yes, I do daydream and imagine beautiful things.

But things are not meant to be. And I'm saddened by it. Though I guess, and I'd like to imagine, the cat is loved now and well taken care of by someone out there..:

I'll miss that little cat we called Tufty who for those few hours managed to touch my heart and touch the heart of my ex.

Dream: mum and dad

The clock went back an hour early this morning, and it's officially winter time. And the sudden drop in temperature really revealed winter's approach.
I took the opportunity to sleep in, sleep properly till I wake up naturally.

I was woken up around 8or so by the need to go to the washroom. I went back to bed, and I dreamed...

Mum and dad appeared before me. They looked lovely, caring and warm. I reached out to touch them, at least I tried... I reached out to feel their warmth and feel love, for its been so long since I felt the warmth of another, felt true love from another...

But they disappeared. I ended up crying...