20 May 2006

"If only they knew..."

Just came home from two days of fun with a girlfriend. It's been over a year since we did anything together; she was away, and then I was away, and we never seemed to have time to meet, in Leiden, where she lives and where I used to work.

Went to dinner first at this pancake restaurant. For Dutchies pancakes are like pizzas and can be eaten with any topping your imaginary mind can come up with...fish, maple syrup, shaorma meat, pineapples, honey, anchovies, peanut butter, minced meat, chocolate sprinkles, mushrooms, vanilla ice cream, chicken curry....You name it, and it can be served. Maybe it sounds sickening, but really you wouldn't know until you try it.

Then off we went to her place, where we bored ourself with a not-so-funny-comedy ("Hope Springs"'...not). Thankfully the conversation that followed afterwards about the difference between male and female orgasms took the evening to a roaring climax. I entered the discussion armed with the second-hand knowledge I had consumed over the years through low-budget cliche porn flicks, while she spoke partly out of 'empirical evidence'. Somehow the conversation took another interesting turn and we ended up talking about people who have a fetish for sex with pregnant women. (For those wondering, yes it does exist and is possible.) No, sadly no empirical evidence to back up the discussion...this time we could only discuss our 'research' on 'pregnant sex' based on second-hand hear-say from sources close to us. All the while the channels showed half-naked women dressed in all sorts of clothes (SM, police uniform, school unifrom...) advertising 'hotlines' for your €1.50/minute quick pleasure. Fell asleep, after two am...with a smile on our faces.
Friday night, fun night.

Woke up today with a hang-over for some reason...strange, no alcohol, no spirits of any kind, just tea and coke and way too much chocolate and pretzels, but still really dizzy and groggy. My friend almost even fainted for some reason and had to lie down a while before she felt better. Quick brunch of croissants, baquette, omelette and cup-a-soup, and realised our hopes to pay a visit to the annual flower show at Keukenhof were dashed by the storm-force winds and pouring rain.

We had a few hours to kill until dinner at a friend's place in the evening. We made our way to Den Haag, and prowled the streets in search of a good parting gift. Being a (fashionable) girl my friend of course got distracted by the big sale signs in the shoe and clothe shops that delayed our objective of quickly buying something 'meaningful and not-too-cliche' for the friend who is about the leave the country for good. An hour of wandering around various shops, trying to contain my boredom and carring her bags, we ended up buying a book-- sort of story and picture book about the Netherlands, with all its quirks and anecdotes. Cannabis, the tax-paying prostitution industry, the windmills, cows, tulips...all the things Dutch, all the things so typical here and unique in the world are summed up in that little book. Nice.

A quick drop by at my place, and a stroll through the forest nearby--with the added guide to of the carefree teenage years of David, including: where I had my first kiss, where I first 'fooled around' etc.-- and we made our way to the friend's place for dinner. All the colleagues from where I used to work were there. A house full of academics, researchers and serious conversations. Maybe the freeest and most natural-acting were the three children and one dog that ran around screaming and playing. I watched them with envy, as I sat through various conversations which almost always invariably starts with: "So, what is your line of research...?"




My research? Well, where do I even start? I could tell them about the 'research' my friend and I had the previous night about our observations of sex. But that would not be intellectually stimulating. I could tell them instead that I have no research, and that I'm basically still trying to find myself and what it is that I want to do in life. But that would be intellectually stunted.
In the end I basically repeated to people what I've been doing (and not doing) the past year, which probably lost the incentive for them wanting to talk to me any further.

That's the problem with these gatherings of people working in the academia. With all due respects they know their specialisation, they know what they are talking about, they know how to debate and argue...but to someone who has no clue it's embarrasing and (frankly) bordering on boredom. But they're all really lovely people, really friendly and kind...and the food was good, and so were the drinks. And the 'pre-departure' speech by the friend who is about to leave was really moving. So it wasn't as bad as it sounds.

Then suddenly there someone rang my friend who was hosting us. She couldn't understand a word the other person said, except something about 'van Alkemadelaan'. Well, it was actually someone who dialled the wrong number. But it just so happens that 'van Alkemadelaan' is the name of the street I live in. So the joke somehow started circulating around the room.
'Oh, it must be David's wife and little children starving at home and wondering where he is.'

I just laughed, played along with the joke, felt quite embarrased at all the sudden attention focused on me. When the joke died down and people returned to their intellectual discussions in their little groups again, I turned to my friend and said, with a smile: "If only they knew..."

Yes, if only they knew the 'real' me; the me that is not so shy, not so socially inept, not so uncomfortable in front of people, not so fidgety with his hands, not so nervous-looking. And if they only knew the reasons why I wouldn't possibly have a wife. Not now, not ever.

17 May 2006

Oh! First novel online

Yeah, I've just had my first 'novel' posted in Nifty!

I've been reading some great stories online, and with some encouragement I also decided to give it a go. The story is partly fact and partly fiction, and some of things in it were inspired by my personal experience. It's my first attempt at writing a proper story, and I don't have an editor or anything like that, so it might be a little 'amateurish'.

Hope you will enjoy reading it over the coming period, and please give me feedback!!

: )

15 May 2006

"Cum and Swallow"

Must love Dutch TV, especially after 11pm.

Just watched this funny youth-orientated programme called "Spuiten en slikken" (Cum and Swallow) made by popular broadcaster BNN.

What was on the show today?
  • Drugs and beer, and how they could improve or hinder your performance in exams.
Cannabis in small doses could make you more efficient, but any more (you should know the limit!) and it could ruin you. Amphetamine, certified by an expert, is a definite no-no before exams.
  • How to make a blow-up doll for those who can't afford it.
You need a cushion, four balloons filled with warm water, some lubricant, tape .
Pile the balloons together in one corner of the cushion and wrap the whole thing with tape tightly. There should be a tight opening in the gap between the four balloons. Fill that with some lubes, and voila!

They actually had a man test it behind a screen (they first got a girl to suck his cock so that it would become erect).
Results: Not good.


  • Some other facts that you might have missed about sex and drugs:

...Pineapple seems to improve the taste of sperm
... if you drink coke it's also a sort of drug too
...it's a fable that the size of the nose, hands and feet say something about penis size.
... Het een dikke fabel is dat de grootte van de neus, handen en voeten iets zegt over de penis size?
... Italians and Americans score best with an average dick lenght of 9 en 8,8 centimeter
... your brains can shrink if you drink more than 3 to 4 glasses a day or more than 25 glasses a week
...men who cycle a lot have erection problems.
... a person experiences 16hrs of orgasm in his lifetime. Not continuously of course
... XTC stays in blood for maximum of 3 days


14 May 2006

Unicorn

Some Dutch marines in Afghanistan have protested against the name of their new peace mission: Unicorn.
(see also Uruzgan-missie niet voor 'mietjes')
"The Dutch soldiers think that a mythical name is fine, as long as they're not going to be associated as queer"
Shows how much the 'macho' culture is still dominant in the military, and how quickly the current Dutch cabinet is bending to such discrimination.

Originally the name was thought to be acceptable for the local Muslim population beacuse of the association with the peaceful mythical creature. But some have pointed out that Unicorn is also the name of a big gay-interest group in the US.

Well, perhaps they should think about changing the name of their base too:
Camp Holland.
: P