I was at the beach last night to watch Germany and Brazil compete as part of a three day international fireworks competition. It was rainy and windy, like a storm was passing through just as the fireworks climaxed, but I stood bravely there on the beach and continued to watch. Alone.
Tonight was Spain and China's turn to compete, and of course being the inventor of fireworks, China seemed out-shine and out-bang the rest. I sat on the sand and felt the salty sea drench my pants. It didn't matter, as the big explosions of colourful flashes lit up the dark, dark sky. It was like watching flowers suddenly blossom above you, brightly red, green and yellow... big balls of bright flowers that suddenly wilted as the splinters and sparks drooped and fell to the sea.
I sat on the sand, and admired the fireworks, with my head turned up to the sky, taking in the spectacular sights and awing sounds that gunpowder can muster. But at times I looked to my side. And for a change, I wasn't alone tonight.
They say that beautiful things are even more beautiful when shared. Which is true. Despite having told many friends that there's amazing fireworks every week at the beach this month, this was the first time that I could enjoy it with someone special. And that made it even more special. Just sitting there with my close girl-friend on the sand, oooo-ing, and aaaaah-ing, and at times turning to one another and seeing the excitement in each others faces.
After the fireworks, we warmed up next to a warm fire at a beach cafe, sipping hot cups of tea. Such a simple source of pleasure, to just sit there and talk to someone, and to listen, but it means so much more.
More pictures of the Fireworks Competition at Scheveningen CLICK HERE!!! : )
[...] whether it be better to be loved than feared or feared than loved? It may be answered that one should wish to be both, but, because it is difficult to unite them in one person, is much safer to be feared than loved, when, of the two, either must be dispensed with. Because this is to be asserted in general of men, that they are ungrateful, fickle, false, cowardly, covetous, and as long as you succeed they are yours entirely; they will offer you their blood, property, life and children, as is said above, when the need is far distant; but when it approaches they turn against you. And that prince who, relying entirely on their promises, has neglected other precautions, is ruined; because friendships that are obtained by payments, and not by greatness or nobility of mind, may indeed be earned, but they are not secured, and in time of need cannot be relied upon; and men have less scruple in offending one who is beloved than one who is feared, for love is preserved by the link of obligation which, owing to the baseness of men, is broken at every opportunity for their advantage; but fear preserves you by a dread of punishment which never fails. 'The Prince', Michiavelli
Shiveringly scary...! But imagine if I were somehow to become some kind of power-hungry and people-manipulating person who would do anything to get his hands on influence and respect!! It would go against everything I believe in, and everything I stand up to, and everything I promised myself a long time ago I would never become...
At work today, my boss spoke to the bigger boss, and the proposal that I stay on for the coming year has been more (or less) OK-ed. There are just more details to be worked out, and more people to be informed (read: convinced). To put a long story short, it involves a lot of power politics, and complicated people politics. It exhausts me just to hear about all these things that go on, and to think I could be part of the 'system' makes me a little intitmidated.
It amazes me every single time to see the bureaucratic and long-winded decision-making process in action. As I found out, they had almost four months to look for someone to be the director in charge of the office I'm just temporarily staffing over the summer. But nothing was done. No initiative was taken. At all.
My boss was really pushing for the idea of me staying on, and again today said I would be really suitable for the position. Last night I lay in bed, until three-ish in the morning, thinking about the whole idea and just wondering a bit whether I could be in charge of a whole office with 'staff' underneath me. Imagine the responsibilities... but then also the powers and contacts that I could gain. I was just lying in bed, and thinking back at the year I was volunteering there... I was basically just doing what was necessary, and if I had questions or was unsure what to do, I could always turn to my boss, and who would make the decisions, and indirectly also bear the responsibility. Just thinking about me being in that position at this age just seems like a very strange picture! I guess I've never seen myself as a 'leader', as someone to be in charge of others and in giving directions. It takes a lot of courage and confidence, and faith in what I'm doing... which I don't really think I have.
But that close friend I have reassured me and kept on reassuring me: people are placed in a situation and they realise they have abilities they never knew existed. And besides, she said, there are different kinds of 'leaders', some stay in the background and may not seem to say much, but do a lot. And it'll be a wonderful opportunity to learn and to make contacts. And to think of it, what is in a title?
It's all still a bit daunting, and I really need to push myself to believing I can do it all. And again, things are still not set in stone, so it's really not the point to open the champagne just yet. Of course, I was really grateful to my boss for believing in me, and putting all these proposals down and thinking also about my interests and about my future plans to move to another country and start life fresh next year... I kept on thanking her, and was a little embarrassed. But she turned around, and thanked me instead, saying something along the lines of she has just as much to thank me compared to what I have to thank her for.
"Am I competent enough?" I asked, for the second time. And my boss said yes. "Why not? You have a master's degree in law... well, almost!"
We were just talking, about work, and suddenly out of the blue she made an offer. I was totally surprised and of course excited. But being the very insecure person I am, the first question I asked (after thanking her of course...) was whether I'm competent enough. She quickly reassured me, and told me of all the good work I've been doing at the office. I just couldn't believe the whole suggestion and offer, because it seemed so surreal... but it certainly helps a lot to build my confidence to know that people see me in a positive way, and believe in what I am capable of...
Funny... just as I was worrying and wondering till my head hurt about what I want to do next (see last entry!!!), a sudden job offer came! It's to basically stay on working at the university, and be the manager to organise the big international law competition I've been helping out with for the past year for free. But of course, the job offer is paid! I was so excited and very happy, and smiling the whole way home that I almost got hit by a van (partly also that driver's fault for driving and turning so fast in a small lane).
At this point nothing is certain yet, and my boss has to have the suggestion approved by the big(ger) boss. Though, without being overly confident, I suspect the chances are good for me. They really need to find someone ASAP to take over the office I'm manning during the summer period, because I officially finish work at the end of the month. To get the whole organisation (and it's a LOT of work!!) of the competition going by September, they will need to look for people with experience and background within two, three weeks. Which is going to be very difficult. And I guess after having worked at the office for almost a year, I know many of the ins and outs of how to run everything... and plus I know the people there too. And I think they like me... and like the way I work and do things so quickly and efficiently...
Nothing is certain yet, and anything could change... But imagine the possibilities, and what that would do to cut my worries about finances and being unemployed....!
I’ve been sleeping most the day today. And not been doing much over the whole of last week. Again, another lazy episode in my life, even though I know that the deadline of my thesis is looming near. In the back of my mind I’m thinking to myself I’m lazy now, but when it comes to the day or night before the deadline I’ll be kicking myself and regretting how I spent all those days doing nothing. It’s always like this!
Just heard from my mum that she’s planning to visit next month. It’s all very sudden, and of course I’m happy to see her again. She told me how she really needs a break from her tiring job, and also partly (I’m guessing) to get away from living with my dad.
It’ll be good that she’s coming in September, because (hopefully!) I’ll be able to graduate then and be able to share the experience with her. Even though in this country we don’t have any official ceremony or celebration, it’s still a special day, and my parents have never been to any of my graduation yet.
To be honest, I’m a little ashamed. I’m about to graduate, but I don’t have anything waiting for me. Most of my friends are already planning to move on to the next study, or to do an internship somewhere, or starting to work… but I’m still here wondering what to do and how to support myself next year.
But my mum told me not to worry over the phone. She said whatever I decide to do, and wherever I decide to go, she’ll be there to support me.
I heard that, and felt like crying…
Why can’t I be independent yet? Why can’t I go out there and get a job to support myself yet? Why can’t I decide what I want to do in life and just settle somewhere and stop having to rely on my parents? Am I really that useless? Or just lazy?
She said I shouldn’t worry too much, and that she’d do anything because I’m her son. She kept on encouraging me, telling me not to give up, not to feel upset that I didn’t manage to get the dream job I wanted at the European Commission.
She told me to just try, and keep on trying. Get an internship somewhere for a few months… get some experience and prepare myself for the job market… even if the internship is not paid. None of them are paid, but they are like a full-time job, which means there’s no time to get another part-time paying job. But without experience, I’m nothing with just a degree from university! Frustrating…
Mum said she has planned it all, and it’ll be alright…
I ran out of the cinema as quickly as I could. Fumbled for my keys, unlocked my bike and dashed home like crazy.
A quiet night alone at the movies turned out to be a complete creepy nightmare! I had been wanting to watch this Mexican movie called Broken Sky (El cielo dividido) for sometime, and finally had the chance tonight, since this local art-house movie theatre was showing it as part of a series of gay-themed movies they're showing over the summer.
Bought the ticket, and stood around in the hall waiting to get in. I immediately noticed people staring at me, mostly old(er) men, and I just looked away, pretending not to notice. I felt like I was some kind of exotic object, and people were just watching and watching... I was just dressed as I usually am, just being myself, but that somehow attracted a lot of attention. The unpleasant kind of attention... I'm not that good-looking... am I?
As the gates to the cinema opened I lined up to get in. And I noticed this old man looking at me, and watching my every move. He let people go first, and 'accidentally' stood next to me. I ignored him, and just go into the cinema quickly. I noticed him following me, so I made a big circle and went to the furtherest seats, and sat down next to a couple.
There were many seats, more than enough. But to my surprise that creepy old man sat down next to me. I smelt his body scent as soon as he sat down. I took out a pamphlet, and pretended to read and keep myself busy.
The movie started, and I was captured by the beauty and silent powerful emotions of the film. It was so artistically shot, the characters deep and touching, sceneries smooth and telling. Even though there wasn't much dialogue, their movements, kisses and love-making were able to tell a complicated love story more than words ever could. Love, and the way it consumes you, the way you long for it like a drug, and the way it leaves broken and ghost-like after it slips away....
I would have enjoyed it more, but throughout the two hours I was sitting literally on the edge of my seat very uncomfortably. Not because of the suspense in the movie, but so that that creepy man wouldn't touch me. I was trapped, sitting in the middle and couldn't get out at all. Every now and then, he'd just turn to look at me, and make me so uncomfortable and disgusted. He put his arm on the armrest of my seat, and had his elbow really out toward my body. So I basically was leaning to the other side so that we wouldn't touch. He had his legs wide open, and I swear a number of times he 'accidentally' brushed his leg against mine.... sending shivers up my spine.....
I felt pretty sick, and was hoping he'd just go away. In my mind I was thinking of things to say to him, and wondering what he wants from me. This isn't the first time people have done that to me, and it really frightens me. I thought if he touches me I'll scream and say something so that everyone would know he's a pervert trying to stalk me...
All the while, the movie was playing and there were all these homo-erotic scenes of the two main characters making hot, passionate love... It was beautiful to watch, but then next to me was this perverted old man who kept on watching me everytime I moved...
Normally when I finish watching a movie, I sit there a while, and watch the credits and let the responses that the film triggered flow over me. But this time I didn't have time. I just wanted to get out as quickly as I could.
The creepy man stood up, and looked at me again and had his eyes all over me. Quickly I grabbed my jacket, and pushed passed the other movie-goers, pushed out the door and ran to my bike. Shivering, creeped out, and feeling dirty from the whole experience....
