Stilettos

I don't know what I was doing in that store, surrounded by all these colourful stilettos with 10cm heels. I've never even owned one, nor do I ever intend to own one. Yet, something about them attracted me into the store.

And so I waited and waited until I was served. People kept pouring into the store, grabbed whatever they like, men and women, and paid for it. When it was my turn, I put on a pair of blue ones, and walked around. It was not as difficult as it seemed, and I seemed to become so much taller. The world looks different from a different height.

"How much?" I asked.

"I'll make you a deal since you waited so long. 850."

For a pair so shoes?! I was shocked, but embarrassed to say I don't want them anymore, embarrassed to seem cheap, or seem like someone who just looks but does not buy. But I definitely could not afford that price for just a pair of shoes.... even with 10cm heels.

So I lied. I made up a story, uncomfortably, about how I'm waiting for a cheque to clear, and after that I'll have the money to buy it. When the shoplady asked for my contacts, I made up a name and a number, and an address right there on the spot. I was nervous, afraid people would seem through my trickery and deceit..... so scared....

....I don't know why I had that dream, or what it all meant. Maybe because I was joking with someone the other day, after seeing a three hour drag show, that I'd dress in a wig. He joked back saying he'd come in stilettos.

But why did it all manifest into the dream?

"Oh, Romeo, Romeo..."

With love's light wings did I o'er-perch these walls;
For stony limits cannot hold love out,
And what love can do that dares love attempt;
Therefore thy kinsmen are no let to me.

Risking thunder and rain, I rode toward the park on the riverside. The outdoor performance went ahead as planned, despite the flooded grassfield and no more than fifty people watching. I sat down, just as the sun was appearing before it disappeared for the day.

The great romantic tragedy of Romeo and Juliet... I've seen it numerous times, in theatres, dance theatres and ballet halls. The story of two forlorn lovers torn apart by the feud of their families. An impossible love in life, and in death. A tragedy, bitter and painful, but perhaps worth it all for they had once tasted the sweet, sweet taste of love's nectar, and forever long for and remember it.

I sat on the ground, a plastic bag to keep me from getting wet from the puddles all around me. I listened to the poetry, the magic of Shakespeare, heard and let his epic words wash over me, conjuring images and memories that only he (or they?) could put so beautifully into words. In the distance, I saw flashes of light in the looming clouds. Clouds that seemed to inch closer and closer with each passing line spoken on stage.

The lightning was spectacular.... sudden, unexpected, swift and merciless. And for those few moments or micro-moments, the sky would brighten as bright as day. Clouds with their orangey glow from the pollution of bright lights in the city moved ever faster, and was soon overhead, overshadowing the open field, overshadowing the performance on stage.

And soon it began to rain, as people ran. I sat there and moved slowly. Savouring the rain, the echoes of Romeo and Juliet's exchanges, and felt the fading romance of the night before the torrential downpour and horrendous sounds of thunder took over.

"How to be alone"

Waking up this morning, a friend sent me a link to this poem/song. He wrote in the message that for some reason he thought of me when he first heard/read this,

If you are at first lonely, be patient. If you’ve not been alone much, or if when you were you were not okay with it, then just wait. You’ll find its fine to be alone once you’re embracing it. We can start with the acceptable places, the bathroom, the coffee shop, the library, where you can stall and read the paper, where you can get your caffeine fix and sit and stay there. Where you can browse the stacks and smell the books, your not suppose to talk much anyway so its safe there. There is also the gym, if your shy, you can hang out with yourself and mirrors, you can put headphones in. There’s public transportation, we all gotta go places. And there’s prayer and mediation, no one will think less if your hanging with your breath seeking peace and salvation. Start simple. Things you may have previously avoided based on avoid being principles. The lunch counter, where you will be surrounded by “chow downers”, employees who only have an hour and their spouse work across town, and they, like you, will be alone. Resist the urge to hang out with your cell phone. When you are comfortable with “eat lunch and run”, take yourself out to dinner to a restaurant with linen and silver wear. You’re no less an intriguing a person when you are eating solo desert and cleaning the whip cream from the dish with your finger. In fact, some people at full tables will wish they were where you were. Go to the movies. Where it’s dark and soothing, alone in your seat amidst fleeting community. And then take yourself out dancing, to a club where no one knows you, stand on the outside of the floor until the lights convince you more and more and the music shows you. Dance like no ones watching because they are probably not. And if they are, assume it is with best human intentions. The way bodies move genuinely move to beats, after-all, is gorgeous and affecting. Dance till you’re sweating. And beads of perspiration remind you of life’s best things. Down your back, like a book of blessings. Go to the woods alone, and the trees and squirrels will watch for you. Go to an unfamiliar city, roam the streets, they are always statues to talk to, and benches made for sitting gives strangers a shared existence if only for a minute, these moments can be so uplifting and the conversation you get in by sitting alone on benches, might of never happened had you not been there by yourself.

Society is afraid of alone though. Like lonely hearts are wasting away in basements. Like people must have problems if after awhile no one is dating them. But lonely is a freedom that breaths easy and weightless, and lonely is healing if you make it. You can stand swaffed by groups and mobs and hands with your partner, look both further and farther in the endless quest for company. But no one is in your head. And by the time you translate your thoughts an essence of them maybe lost or perhaps it is just kept. Perhaps in the interest of loving oneself, perhaps all those sappy slogans from pre-school over to high school groaning, we’re tokens for holding the lonely at bay. Cause if you’re happy in your head, and solitude is blessed, and alone is okay., Its okay if no one believes like you, all experiences unique, no one has the same synapses can’t think like you, this me/ be ?, keeps things interesting, life’s magic brings much, and it doesn’t mean you aren’t connected, the community is not present, just take back to you get from being one person in one head and feel the effects of it. Take silence and respect it, if you have an art that needs practice stop neglecting it, if your family doesn’t get you or a religious sect is not meant for you, don’t obsess about it. You could me in an instant surrounded if you need it, if your heart is bleeding, make the best of it, there is heat and freezing be a testimate.

I was touched after watching the videoclip. Somewhat by the fact that this friend 'understood' me and saw me for who I was, even though we don't really keep in touch much. But I was touched more by the song/poem's message, by the way it makes simple moments and activities undertaken alone so simple and so normal.

For someone as self-conscious and low self-esteemed as I am, it helps to be encouraged by the echoes of someone else's mind. Ironically, "How to be alone" made me feel less alone...

How often I have thought to myself that I must be 'sad' or desperate to be doing a lot of things alone... but really, when I come to think of it, I seem to enjoy a lot of things alone. Less opinions, less conflicts, more freedom, more ease to go and come wherever and whenever I want. Especially after some tensions and letdowns in the past few months, I do feel a bit happier being alone.

Of course, that doesn't drive away the longing for the company of someone special in my life... but as someone once said to me, I can only learn to be with someone if I can first like being alone. And all these years and moments of solitude have taught me that being alone I can see more, hear more, feel more than if I were surrounded by a cacophony of voices and opinions (other than my own, because sometimes there too are many voices and opinions inside of my mind...)

Wash away

I stood on the shore, and watched the water wash, wash, wash against the rocks. The rocks stood their ground and would not budge. I wished the water would wash away the myriad of thoughts and voices that were rushing through my mind... wash away the petty feelings, the discontents, disappoints and leave my mind clear.

One of those days when I am awash with thoughts, when I just want to be left alone (ironically) to be with my thoughts. I deeper I dig, the more disconnect and distance I feel towards people around me. And I cannot express what it is that I am feeling, what it is that leaves me sometimes frustrated towards others, and most of all toward myself. Could this be the result of lacking meaning, lacking purpose in my life? Could this be the effect of longing, longing for something (or someone) but then growing every bit more bitter with each passing day? What is it that I want? What is it that I need?

The river answered with the constant murmur of its flow. The water all around me replied with the soothing sounds of splashes and ripples.

A steady breeze blew, blew, blew against my face as I looked into the distance. When I arrived, the sky was splashed red with the last rays of dusk. But now it was almost pitch dark, and I was left alone, standing there by the shore, watching the river, and feeling the breeze against my face. I wished it would blow away the anxieties, the dreams, tensions and repeating memories that were making me dizzy and tired. I wished the wind would blow me away, or that the river would suddenly sweep me off my feet, and take me away...

Origins of discontent

I'm not even sure if "discontent" is the word for it, for what I'm feeling. I'm not extremely happy or extremely sad... just feeling something that I can't put words to, and the closest I can think of is "discontent", or to be optimistic, "content".

I'm not sure where this feeling comes from... things in life are generally going well. I've been settled in the comforts of my own home for just over a whole month now, which given my travel records of the past year, is an amazing feat. My work is going relatively well, or at least progressing, since I've been disciplined enough to get myself to the library everyday. Mum's health condition is relatively stable at the moment. And I'm meeting new people too to see if there are any potentials out there...

But could it be that in comfort there is discomfort? Am I someone who actually prefers to live in uncertain and confusion, and gets apprehensive when things are settled and stable?

Maybe, as friends have told me before, people always need something to look forward to. Something to work towards, something that will in the short term give you some kind of gratification, result or reward. And it's true, at the moment there really isn't anything for me to look forward to because everything is relatively calm and comfortable...

Dream

I saw dad's face, his smiling face. In that dreamlike state of consciousness, dad smiled back at me, and he looked very, very happy. Did he want so say anything else to me? Did he want to touch me, to hold my hand, as much as I wanted to?

In that dreamlike state of consciousness, I felt again that intense sense of pain and longing...

High hopes

When you don't have high hopes you don't get disappointed. And often in life that's the philosophy I live by.

Whatever will happen will happen.