hugs

It's so beautiful to lie next to someone, especially someone you care a lot about.

Just lie there, perhaps arms over one another in a locked face-to-face hug as you feel the other person's breath on your cheeks, as you stroke softly the soft skin of the other person's naked body.

There's something so magical, so miraculous, so heart melting to be in the arms of another. I love it when I am behind someone in a spooning position, our bodies licked tightly together with as much skin contact as possible. I love it too when the other person is behind me, the crotch filling the nape of my buttocks, the legs intertwined, the person's arms locking together around my upper torso.

There is such a beautiful connection there, a connection like no other at that moment in time, at that place. Just two people lying together, blessed by the warmth of one another's touch and caress, fortunate enough to find in this vast, and oftentimes lonely, world another to hold, to cherish and to live and care for.

In that moment, all the world's troubles and noises seem to cease, all the whispering voices and nagging thoughts seem to be silenced. There is only the two beating hearts of two people beating ever faster, pushed on by the magical intimacy and contact that is being enjoyed. Questions of what is right or wrong seem irrelevant.

There is no past arguments, no future uncertainties or fears. Just this moment of two people lying next to one another and drowning perhaps the greatest and simplest pleasure this world has to offer.

It is so beautiful, hugging with another.

Fuss

I don't know why I seem to cause so much fuss about nothing. Why do I have to create trouble when there is none? I did it this morning with my mum, caused her some grief when I was distressed about some official business I needed to take care of. And I did it again this afternoon, ruining a perfectly beautiful bike ride together with my friend when I brought up how I felt some what uncomfortable  about going on a trip together with him. 

Where is the problem? It is all within me, all caused by this distracted and disturbed mind of mine that is constantly at work, constantly wanting to please people, but in the end causing myself much distress and unrest. 

sitting by the seashore

Sitting alone by the seashore, watching the sun set. Across the water, lies the sprawl and tall buildings crowding the waterfront of Halifax. A half moon hangs high in the dimming sky. A salty sea breeze is blowing on my face, tickling my hair.

Another day almost gone, it's always nice to spend a bit of time alone by myself. To calm down, reflect and to tell myself that it's alright to be alone once in a while. But also, it's good to spend some time alone and away from mum, who can be very dependent and clingy, especially as she does not like to venture out and try new things. Partly it's the language barrier, but partly also because, as she said, she's losing that drive of life slowly.

Another week to go until the end of her stay here, and other than the two days of arguments and crying, things have generally been going well. Strangely, she seems to now take more interest in my friend, occasional asking me questions about him, which I find somewhat awkward to answer, especially as we are no longer together. They have met on separate occasions, and mum does think he is a pleasant and smart boy with good tastes. I'm not sure what to make of that, though.

I think she is slowly getting used to and enjoying life here, despite it being somewhat foreign and (in her words) less refined compared to Europe, where she has lived for many years. I think the natural beauty and vast open spaces of this land has left a deep impressions on her and she has said she'd like to return again.

Today, after visiting the museum of Canadian together, she started to reminisce our first steps away from our home land when I was still young, and the little memories, setbacks and accomplishments since we settled down in Europe. Seeing the writings and pictures of all those immigrants, sensing their excitement, and perhaps anxieties, about arriving in a new home, made mum and I relive some old memories. Hopefully one day soon, I will, like all those millions of immigrants who have landed on these shores, proudly say out loud that I am Canadian.

train journey

I fell asleep soon after lying down and pulling the blanket over me. But it was not too long, perhaps an hour or so later, before I woke up and had trouble sleeping.

The romantic feeling of being on a night train somehow had motives into fear, as I would be waken by sudden jolts and vibrations and loud squeaking and clanking of the metallic carriage. I remember lying in my cabin, a little frightened, and also worried about whether mum was getting any sleep at all from all that motion and noise. I remember lying there a while and thinking i should knock on her door and give her earplugs. Bug I never did that, for I was afraid I would wake up her.

By four or five I was awake, and the sky was already brightening. Unable to sleep, I went up to the dome and watched as the day slowly broke.

So tranquil, so mesmerisingly beautiful with that thin, thin veil of morning mist over woods and patches of water. It reminded me of the scenery of morning break at the monastery I stayed at for a ten day retreat last year.

train to Halifax

There is a feeling I've always found to very romantic riding the rails. So beautifully romantic that it makes my skin crawl (in a pleasant way) and heart lightly swoon.

I don't know if it's the gentle rocking motion, or the muffled rumbling of metal wheels as scenery after scenery flashes by. More exciting is falling asleep to the rhythmic rocking and vibrations of the train as it speeds through the night, and the knowledge that when you wake up the next morning you're already hundreds of kilometers away.

Sitting alone on my bunk bed, which is separated by a wall from mum's cabin next door. It's very cost here, and seeing the made bed I had a feeling I'll sleep wonderfully tonight. Only pity is that I'm in the cabin alone (save for the two teddies my friend asked me to take along....). How exciting and arousing it would be, i imagine, to cuddle up next to someone on the small bed and rock ourselves to sleep with the train's swaying motion.

Friends of mine said I was insane to take this twenty two and a half hour journey ( especially as the plane would take only one hour), but like so often in life, the trip itself is the journey. I love train journeys, and have been fascinated by trains since a child. So this is another experience that I'll remember for a long time to come (though I've done part of this journey two years ago too)

Sitting in the glass dome of the panorama car at the end of the long train, I could not but again feel so lucky and blessed being able to take mum on this long, long journey. Mum has once again that contented look on her face, and she did say that she felt much better than earlier today.

Making more memories and hoping we can savour every moment of another trip together.

Returning sores

Woke up in the morning to the sun in my face. Slept late last night as I was out with friends.

Mum was up a few moments after I started making fresh juices for breakfast. She looked tired, and something was bothering her I could feel it.

The soreness and numbness in her left arm has returned again, and it's causing her great discomfort. I originally wanted to go out and spend some time with friends, but had to cancel.

We walked around looking for a place where she can get a massage, for back home she would go to one at least once a week. It helps her a lot, and makes her feel relaxed and gets her blood circulation going, which is important. And it's been almost a month since her last one, so her body is (almost literally) aching for it... Luckily, we managed to find a masseur just a few steps from my house, and mum is doing her massage as I type.

As we walked around, we talked a bit. Again she was in one of those strange moods. It was more than just her body causing her discomfort, I knew. And eventually she admitted it. She does not feel at ease being here, much less than if she were in Europe, she said. She doesn't know where to go, and says everything is in French, and I suspect also she feels that I am "abandoning" her when I make plans to meet friends.

I was already distraught by her returning sores, but again to be told that she is feeling uncomfortable here makes me really lost as what I can do. I'm not sure what I can do to entertain her, and I try to make the most of my time with her, but also long to see my friends occasionally because it has been such a long time since I interacted with my peers. I mean I have already spent so many weeks almost constantly by her side, and today we're taking a four day trip away together, and yet she still feels abandoned. What can I do then...? Can I no do anything at all without feeling guilty that she is all cooped up at home and feeling isolated in a foreign land? I have shown her places to go, things to do, and yet she will rarely venture further than the local park if I am not by her side...

I cannot blame her if she feels there is a language barrier and feels foreign here, but am I supposed to spend even more time with her and put off plans with my own friends? But I feel myself getting moody and more and more impatient when I am constantly at her side and constantly accompanying her. How can anyone not when you are with any person for a long time, even if it is your own mother?

However idealistic I imagined it, I never did imagine that bringing mum here to Canada would cause so much unease in her life, and also in mine...

dream

An empty hotel room, all by myself. I know the place, somewhere downtown in Montreal. What I was doing there I did not know, but I had just woken up, and was wearing a suit that I did not bother to take off going to bed, so it was all wrinkled when I woke up.

I was alone, but someone else was in the room before, though the person had already left, leaving a terrible mess behind. Clothes everywhere, pieces of paper, rubbish all over the floor. The tv was on, quietly reporting the day's news... Wars, diseases, criminals, natural disasters.

I got up and went near the window. Looking down atthe street below I realised I was in Montreal. The sights appear so familiar, and yet all so foreign. I looked at myself in the mirror, smiled, or tried to smile. There was a scent in the air, perhaps of whoever had left in a hurry earlier before I woke up. I looked at myself in the mirror, and I heard myself say out loud: "Be happy! Whatever happens, nobody can take away your happiness!"

The last moment of the dream, I saw myself crouched down on the floor, cleaning up the mess, bit by by. On my face was the look if contentment, of gentle calm, while the tv continued to transmit images of chaos and violence...

Turning point

Talks over the last few days, and events over the past two months have really shaken me up.
Maybe it's a wake up call. Maybe it is all meant to give me a slap in the face and tell me to start living more, for myself and not for others.

Sometimes you place your hopes and dreams and all your efforts to making someone happy and well, but in the end nothing turns out the way you wish for. It can be frustrating and dissatisfying, and leave you wondering at the end of the day what it is all for, what it was all about. 

You can only care so much about people around you, but you cannot make make them happy, you cannot change them and mould them to be the way you would like them to be. When you expect too much from others, when that expectation is not realised, and when there is disappointment, you end up hurting. Hurting, and crying, like I have done a lot in the past few days for a variety of reasons. 

It is not that I should be selfish and stop caring about people I love and care about in my life. I just need some distance, and take the space and time for myself, to take care of myself, to love myself more, and figure out what it is that I want in life.

 All the traveling around, all the little things I do to try to make people smile and feel touched; while they may be endearing, and while I may enjoy doing them, I should do more for myself to make myself smile and happy.

Most of all, I should be