"Time to say goodbye"

Slight drizzle, overcast skies.

Light tears, clouded spirits.

Dad's clothes carried his smell. I sat on his bed, as mum and brother gathered around and cleared out his closet. For the past month or so, we dare not disturb his room too much. I only went in in the evenings to turn on the light, the one he used to use to spend hours reading with. For the rest, his belongings, mug, papers, and glasses lie resting peacefully as they were the day he was brought into the hospital.

Brother wiped his tears. Mum sobbed. I remained still, and continued folding the clothes dad would need to take with him, when he finally crosses over to the Other World tomorrow.

"Up till this age, I have never folded dad's clothes before," brother said, sadly. More tears flowed. I remained still, memories of dad's smile and kindness in my heart, the scent of dad's odour drifting up my nose, and the feel of the fabric soft on my fingers.

"Think of the good things about dad," mum said.

Dearest dad... Time to say goodbye.
The musical steps of the library you used to climb up and down daily...
the green nature clouded in mist and wafting with the smell of fresh sulphur in the mountains you so loved to loose yourself in...
the restaurants we shared many meals and many precious moments in...
the living room where we sat in, sometimes in silence, other times, chatting, catching up and sharing life stories,
the hospital ward where you so peacefully passed away in my arms, in the company my prayers and butterfly kisses,

Dad... the past few weeks, I have tried to go to the places you went before. I have tried to go see the sights and hear the sounds that were once so familiar to you, and to me. But nowhere, not in the bedroom where you told me bedtime stories and held me in your arms to sleep, not in the offices where you toiled night and day to provide us a decent and carefree living,
nowhere holds the memory of your being and life more freshly than in my heart and soul...

I know I may not have been the perfect son, dad, as I did not go to Cambridge, as you would have liked, and I never had a girlfriend you had hoped for. I know sometimes I made you angry because of my stubbornness and live-and-let-live attitude to life and all that it brings. I know I may not have attached the same importance to pride and material enrichment as you did, and perhaps I have been blunt and rude in saying certain things that a child should never have said.
But even so, even despite all my flaws, throughout my life you have stood by my decisions and choices, and supported me wherever I went.

You gave me the freedom to excel in the subjects I loved most, you gave me the means to travel the world and see peoples and cultures that make me richer than many others. You gave the the freedom to discover the world, and learn from my own mistakes, and you gave me the means to spread my wings and fly, when others were still save and sheltered. Most of all, in your silence and in your tender sternness, you held high hopes for my future, even though I at times had none.

Dearest dad... Time to say goodbye.
I hope you can be proud of me, proud of me for what I have done, and for what I have still yet to achieve. As ever, I do not know where the future will take me, and this may be a source of worry for you, as always. But believe me, dad, I will try and I know I will succeed, as always. For I know, behind me, even though you are no longer there, you will be there to support me.

How you have sacrificed yourself, how you have worked so hard to provide for me, I will never realise. And sadly, I will never ever be able to return the favour. I can only hope that with my quiet determination, hard-work and humble virtues, I will one day be able to contribute some good to the world, as you have always hoped for.

Dearest dad... Time to say goodbye.
Your passing left behind scores of memories, beautiful and vivid. Of course, as with everything in life, there were dark periods and solemn memories... but your presence and life in my life, and in the lives of others, is too precious to be clouded by obscure thoughts.When I think back, I cannot but smile and feel my insides warm up in comfort. And I hope your memory will forever continue to live on within me, and be captured by these little words.

As I flipped through the photo albums in your room, I am touched and brought back in time by the countless pictures of you... of you in your vibrant youth, of you in those days when we were living abroard... of you holding my hand, hand in hand, passing through the years of innocence. How young we were then, how happy and free. I hope tomorrow you will take these pictures with you, and forever treasure the people who loved and cared for you dearest of all. Know that, though in your final years we slowly grew apart due to time and distance, in my heart, dreams and memories, your face and your words still stay with me.

Time to say goodbye, dearest dad.
Time to bid farewell, however difficult and painful it may be. Time to wish you a peaceful onward journey, as you go further and further away, and gradually vanish away like dust in the wind.
I have been able to keep my eyes dry till now, I have spoken to you everyday when I offer your food and cigarettes, but I am not sure whether I can hold myself tomorrow. But know, dearest dad, know that should tears flow down my cheeks, should I turn away and sob, I am forever grateful to have known you, to have been cared for by you... and to have been loved so dearly by you, even though you never said it out loud.

Memories of you may fade, as the pain and the love may fade with time, but the fact that I owe my life and successes to you and your sacrifices, hopes and dreams will remain, forever, and ever.

Dearest dad...
May you be peaceful,
May you be free,
May you be happy,
And may you be free from all sorts of suffering,
Forever and ever...

your son,
yours forever,
WeiWei
偉偉

"Time to say goodbye"

When I'm alone
I dream on the horizon
And words fail;
Yes, I know there is no light
In a room
Where the sun is not there
If you are not with me.
At the windows
Show everyone my heart
Which you set alight;
Enclose within me
The light you
Encountered on the street.

Time to say goodbye,
To countries I never
Saw and shared with you,
Now, yes, I shall experience them,
I'll go with you
On ships across seas
Which, I know,
No, no, exist no longer;
With you I shall experience them.

When you are far away
I dream on the horizon
And words fail,
And yes, I know
That you are with me;
You, my moon, are here with me,
My sun, you are here with me.
With me, with me, with me,

Time to say goodbye,
To countries I never
Saw and shared with you,
Now, yes, I shall experience them,
I'll go with you
On ships across seas
Which, I know,
No, no, exist no longer;
With you I shall re-experience them.
I'll go with you
On ships across seas
Which, I know,
No, no, exist no longer;
With you I shall re-experience them.
I'll go with you,
I with you.

2.28

I lightly tapped mum on the shoulder. No response.

I tapped her again, her head rested on the pillow, her face buried under the duvet, back against me. "Mum...?"

She groaned a little, and turned around to look at me. "I feel ill, and I feel so cold!" She looked tired, and unwell. I sat next to her, as she continued to sleep. Crow-feet pressed lightly against the corners of her eyes, the wrinkles on her eyelids show tiredness and old age, the light breathing and breath against my cheeks a source of comfort and warmth. Loneliness, loss, over-exhaustion, worry, stress and death. Mum has experienced it all. And now her body is slowing down, telling her that her years of worries and fears have triggered a turbulent symptoms that will weaken her even more and more as time passes.

I let mum sleep more, and quietly walked downstairs, hoping that she can soon regain that vigour and strength that I so admired and so looked for for protection while growing up.
Now, I can only hope to return the favours by pouring her warm cups of water and making her meals in the hope that her health can be nursed back to what it used to be.

I too woke up this morning feeling really sick. While making breakfast, the food I was cooking made me like throwing up. Nausea, dizziness, and soreness all over. Perhaps the weeks and weeks of exhaustion is taking its toll on my health, and I felt like the cold is reaping in its award.

Originally, I had planned to go and attend the commemoration ceremony of the 228 Incident, but I was too tired and feeling so miserable I rolled back into bed after offering breakfast to my dad. Dad would have wanted to attend the ceremony, which remembers the tens of thousands of Taiwanese civilisans massacred by the invasion of Nationalist Chinese troops, and the beginning of over 40 years of martial law known as the White Terror. It began in 1947, coincidentally the same year my dad was born in. Now, 61 years later, Taiwan is peaceful and free. Now, 61 years later, my dad is also hopefully peaceful and free.

With two days until the funeral on Saturday, most of the arrangements have been made. Throughout the past few weeks, we have been busy looking for a suitable final resting place for my dad, and it seems we found one in the mountains of the North-East Coast, overlooking the sea. Friends and relatives came by our house to pay respects to my dad, and spoke of how kind and gentle a person he was. They praised his calm nature, his love of reading, and emphasised his excellent writing skills. Perhaps this is a heritage that I will hopefully be able to inherit now that my dad is gone.