Departure

He was in tears. We hugged. "Sorry..." he said. I think I know why.

"You don't have to be sorry..." He took time off work to be with me. He bought an expensive ticket to fly here and has to work weeks to catch up on work. He cried and put himself through such painful experiences. For me. What more can I expect of a friend? What can I expect from just a friend?

"Be happy... Be free..." I wished him.

He continued to tear as he entered the immigration control. He turned back and mouthed, twice, "I love you..."

I smiled weakly back.

Empty nest

Sitting in the dining area, where mum's altar was for the last two weeks. It's so quite here. No more chanting machine, no more incense in the air. No more mum.

There's an empty feeling in the room, in my heart. Perhaps I never realised how strong these feelings are, but they are there. And they are surfacing more and more with every tear I shed. Though friends are around me, I still feel so empty inside. I know not how to turn to them. And I have this image of me descending into deepest, darkest void I've ever known in my life.

That is scary. And I am perhaps for the first time since mum passed away, very afraid.

New home

I began crying almost as soon as I saw the sea. For four years, the view of the vast open Pacific was associated with the view dad would 'see' from his final resting place. After today's events, mum would share the same view...

Mum 'moved' into her final resting place today. We prepared some of her favourite foods and drinks and after a quick and solemn ceremony at the temple, we brought her remains up to the sixth floor. It's the VIP section, a beautifully decorated and bright section of the temple where urns can be kept behind a 'deposit-box' like space with a transparent glass cover. The urn is placed all the way at the back, whereas in front is a little space containing the statue of a Buddha, and room to place some personal items.

We picked out two pictures of mum, both of which were of her smiling dazzlingly. One is her in southern France, about to enter a fancy restaurant I believe. It shot that was captured captured the moment a cat jumped onto her shoulders. She bent over and laughed from the sudden surprise of it all. Brother took this picture. The other picture is of mum on a train in Switzerland. We were going somewhere together, on perhaps our fifth trip to Switzerland together. She looked outside the window and had a beautiful smile-- a smile showing quiet contentment and a certain gentleness. I took this picture. Inside her new 'home', right next to her urn, we placed her glasses and a pair of her sunglasses. "She would need these if she were to go traveling," brother said. Indeed in various pictures of her, she is seen with her darkened lenses against the brightness of a sunny day. We placed her wallet inside too, with the remaining NT$1100 and some spare coins she had in her wallet the day she left the hospital. We took out her cards, namely her national ID card and national health insurance card. We would like to keep those, for memory's sake. But we placed in her wallet a public transport travel card. "In case she needs it to get from place to place," brother joked.


Just before heading to the temple with mum's remains, I picked up two more things that eventually decorated her new 'home'. A wooden tulip, a symbol of the Netherlands where she lived for so many years and where my brother and his family lives, and a gold-plated maple leaf, a symbol of where I live and where she had fond, fond memories of her last trip abroad. These momentos would remain with her forever. These moments would remind us of who mum was, and where she made and shared with us beautiful, beautiful memories.

As the left the temple, I looked back at it. I cried. I could not control my tears or my thoughts. Before, it was just my dad, but from now on, both my parents are resting there. The depth of loss and pain dawned on me, clearer and more painfully than ever before. For several moments, I could not help but shed such sadness and tears. I pressed my head against the car window and tried to get ahold of myself, tried to tame my emotions. But the pain was tearing my heart apart.

"Farewell, mum..." I thought inside my head, "Please take good care of yourself... I will do the same..." Or at least, I will try to do the same. "I will be strong, so you don't have to worry about me..." My face contorted in spite, and my lips quivered from the pain. My ex saw that, and extended his hand to comfort me. But the pain is deep, and the pain is so deeply personal.

I grabbed the heart-shaped pillow that was part of my Mother's Day gift to her, my last Mother's Day gift to her. The heart stayed with her at the hospice till the very end. The bright red heart, and two stuffed animals, were there at the hospice with her, watching over her. The animals attended the funeral too, and got front row seats. They accompanied mum on the final stage of her journey, and also came along to bid her a final farewell. I held onto the heart-shaped pillow tightly, pretended it was my mother's warm body I was holding.

I closed my eyes, tried to shut away the loss and pain. Sleep drowned it all, drowned out the emotions and pain. I was woken up half an hour later or so to a calming, beautiful sunset. Golden and orange rays pierced the sky and dyed the inside of the minivan in a soft and soothing tone as the sun slowly set behind mountains surrounding Taipei. Gone were the tears, and the rain, from earlier in the day.

In Taiwan, a sudden dramatic spell of rain followed by a brightening of the sky is an auspicious omen. It is cause for rejoicing, and on the day when we bid farewell to mum, it is cause to find comfort in the fact that the heavens watching over her, and that she will have a steady onward journey to the world hereafter. 

"Farewell, mama... farewell, and walk steadily onward..."

Cremation

15.05

I watched as the coffin was pushed into the oven.

"Mama, get out of the way!" we all called out, as the funeral director instructed.

The metallic door closed. One last glimpse. "Farewell, mama... Take good care. Be happy. Be happy."

That would the last time I see her.

Breaking point

I sat before mum's shrine with my ex, and described a little more in detail of what happened in those final days. I told him the heavy burden I felt having been given this immense 'power' to decide the course of mum's treatment over the past few months, and at the end, having the power to, in a way, be given control over her life. "J'ai tué ma mère"  (I killed my mother)... these words kept on repeating inside my head, over and over, those last few days, especially when it came down to the decision to increase her dosage of morphine.

I missed mum terribly this evening, missed her so much I was so close to breaking and crying. I need to cry, but I only teared... Somehow, my ex seems more prone to tears than I am when I describe what happened and my feelings towards this all. Am I unfeeling? Am I cold hearted and made of stone?

I have an open road in front of me he tells me. After all is taken care of, the world is mine, and I am free. But deep down, I cannot but think: is this freedom better than having my mother around for a few more years? Is this freedom not at the expense of the dearest person in my life yet? He hugged me, and when the hug was over, I could see his eyes were again moist and red...

Eve of the funeral

I don't know what to write. Tomorrow is the funeral. I feel like I've not had much rest or time to reflect on what mum's death really means. Been busy with my ex here. And every day there are many phone calls and things to arrange. I feel exhausted, and yet at night I cannot sleep. I am afraid to sleep.

Today, while taking a nap in the afternoon, mum appeared in my dream. She wore one of the dresses I picked out for her. She looked alright, healthy and normal at least. I saw myself standing in front of her. I raised my hands and wanted to heal her. But instead, I broke down and cried. I woke up sobbing. Sobbing like I've not done since that night at Niagara Falls. I cried myself awake. It was so painful that my heart hurt so badly. I felt the tears were unstoppable. My ex lay by my side and tried to console me. But I felt so distant, so far away from everyone, everything. I felt such terrible void that it ached my heart so...

Tomorrow is the funeral. I have all the slideshow pictures prepared. I have a stack of notes written by people that are intended to be for mum. I am supposed to say a little something, have been encouraged to do it. Initially, before we started planning for the whole event, before a series of setbacks and people issues, I felt enthused to say something. But yesterday I suddenly became hesitant. I feel so unprepared...

But what is it that I am unprepared for? Unprepared to see mum's body shoved into the oven? Unprepared to see her lying there again? Unprepared for what...?

Loss and gain

I lost a part, a dear part of me and of my life. And what do I gain in return? No more watching a loved one suffer unnecessarily. No more sadness, depression, ups and downs of emotional that used to fluctuate with mum's health condition. No more hospital visits and waiting for appointments.

I lost my dear mother. But I gained the freedom of my own life back.

And that is so frightening and daunting.

Breaking point

Tears at 3AM

He said he wanted to go for a walk by himself. He was in shambles and tears like I've never seen him, or any before. I followed him, afraid he might do something rash, afraid he might get lost in a foreign city, the language of which is just a foreign.

How did it come to this? A day after he arrived to be with me during this most difficult time,  he is the one breaking down and crying about how torn he is. He said he wants to be strong for me, he said he feels guilty not being able to be strong for me, and yet he lay next to me about how he tried to break up his relationship, but was too weak to do so.

Who just died? Who lost a mother?

And how bizarre that the topic of our conversation, a topic that has caused heated arguments and tearful exchanges over the past year or so, is our relationship and my ex's inability to let go of a relationship he himself tells me has no future. I comforted him, held him, took him into my arms and into my heart, and yet felt so out of place... was not the purpose of his trek across the world not to be here for me? And strangely, I am here for him, listening to him as he pours out how very torn he is, how he has such a difficult time letting go of his current relationship, and how he dreams so much of being with me and building a future together. What of my own loss? What of my own sorrow, my own uncried tears?

I don't know what I believe anymore. This is all so twisted, all these emotions and tears are so draining, so overwhelming! I have a funeral to attend, I just lost my mother after so much time spent giving her love and affection and hopefully an easy passing... and at a time when I most need someone, my ex is here exhausting me and my already exhausted mind and heart.

Why is this more upsetting than losing my own mother? Because he gave me hope, he came to be with me, his actions spoke louder than anything else that he does care about me. He made a promise to me (and to a mutual friend) that he would resolve issues. And yet he is still trapped in a situation of his own doing, and pulling me in with him. Or I let myself be dragged into the situation, even though I vowed time and time again not to be involved with him anyone. I believe him, believe everything he tells me, believe that his feelings and love for me goes further than anything else and can overcome all the obstacles that have come our way. Friends told me and warned me about how deceitful he is and how he would never change, and yet my heart melts every time I see him cry, every time he sobs so uncontrollably.

I care about him deeply, so deeply he does not seem to realise or understand how it hurts to see him cry.

Will he remember this night? Will anyone know what happened this night? Will anyone know how he cried and cried and how I needed to comfort him? When the funeral is over, when this visit is over, what then? Will he go back and forget it all? Go back to the relationship he says he wants to leave and yet feels he is not strong enough to, and leave me hurting, leave me with broken promises and dashed hopes?

He does not realise how much I care about him, how much patience and kindness I have shown him, and again and again I let him into my life when I am dealing with the illness and death of my own mother? I let it happen, I let him into my life, because I imagine and smile at the thought of us together again, at the thought of us traveling together, making a home together, at the thought of  growing old together...  again and again, I fall for his promises and the expressions of how much he loves me and wants to be with me. Yet how much of those dreams he once shared with me is still real, still achievable, still shared with me? Perhaps he forgot about it all, and is now sharing his dreams and life with someone else, while all the time trying to keep me from hurting by dropping hints here and there how much he cares about me and loves me still... Only he knows. He has to live with the consequences of giving me hope, and then shattering it all again.

What is wrong with me?
Am I just too weak or too foolish?
Or am I just too soft and too willing to believe anything at this time?
Am I just too weak to withstand the sight of his tears and the sound of his sobbing>

I love him still, I care about him deeply, more than anyone else I have ever cared about (except my own mother...). If not, then why would his presence and indecisiveness and the way he has affected my feelings and life cause me more pain than my own mother's passing?

I just wish he could really feel what I feel, really see and understand my emotional state of mind, and realise really what it means to lose someone dear. I just hope for once he could be true, true to himself, true to me, and to true to life!

Because in the end, when you lose someone, really lose someone nothing else matters but how true and faithful you have been to the person and to yourself. Nothing else matters. Not arguments, not tears, not hurt or pain... nothing else matters but honesty and love, and giving yourself to someone fully, fully.