Cycling in the cold

The setting sun shone through the window and brightened the darkness. In a spur, I grabbed my bike and cycled toward the river.

 The temperature was close to freezing, but with each breath I felt refreshed. The icy coldness entered my lungs, cleared my insides and mind, while the  rays of orange that spread around the silhouette of naked trees along the canal was the colour of warmth and, strangely, of hope.

I sat on the river bank, listening the the water flow past me. The river was quick in its motion, whereas I stood still. The sun sunk on the water's edge, in a disappearing act that seemed to hasten the more the sun's face vanished into the river. I looked up at the trees around me, at the trees that in a matter of days had shed all their leaves. The autumn storm stripped them all bare, and now, looking almost dead and lifeless they are ironically prepared for the winter to come. In the distance, the metallic clinking echoed on a  bridge as the commuter train rushed to bring people to the safety and warmth of their homes.

The sun set, and almost suddenly the day descended into darkness. The cold grew colder, and I picked up my bike, zipped up my coat, put on my hood, and rode to the safety and warmth of my own home.

Fears

Maybe unfounded, maybe not, but the sense of dread and uncertainty that has overshadowed my feelings ever since I received news of mum's latest health conditions has left me somewhat paralysed and lost as what to do. Most of it is due to fears, fears that manifest themselves in various ways and in many forms. Fears I know I should not get too deeply drawn into, because in the end they are destructive and in no way help me in my practice and search for a worry-free life.

Sometimes, I must admit, the child within me feels it's so "unjust" and "unfair" what is happening to me again, and again. Just as I am settling down and beginning to progress on my work, I am exposed to another "upheaval" in my life. Just as I am hoping to stay rooted and start making plans to take up language lessons, to become engaged in volunteering work, to start meeting and seeing new people, I am again juggling dates of when I should pack my suitcase and leave here, uncertain of when I will return again... Just as I thought I could be with my cat for more than a few months at a time, just as we are bonding nightly in bed in our slumber, I have to abandon her and leave her all alone... It's cruel.

I look at my friends, and I envy their stable relationships, their seemingly less troubled family lives... And I admire how they can live in such relative certainty and pursue their plans and careers without having to fret  about things like whether one of their parent is going to be around this time next year... Why, I cannot even commit to tasks or projects people at school would like me to be involved in because I don't know if I can be fully myself or if I can be there when the time comes...

Of course, everyone has their own pains and sufferings, and my worries and fears cannot compare to that of others. Of course life and everything else in the world is changing and my turbulent life could easily be that of another person... But so often I just crave certainty... I just crave security... I just crave safety... So often I just want to know and feel that the moment I open my eyes in the morning I can feel good because there is something or someone I can look forward to.

But, as the teachings go, it is that craving for something and that aversion towards something I cannot change that creates so much suffering and pain, so much remorse and such a disturbed mind. Whatever I feel, however I feel and react to how I feel is a construct of the mind. The world is what we make of it. Events are what we perceive it to be. People, their pains and sorrows, are just the way they are.
Whatever will happen will happen... it may not happen in the way I want it to happen, it may not all be made of big happy smiles and laughs, but it will soon come to pass.

And in the end, I will go through it all, I will have to wear the turbulence, weather the storm.

And if I do not capsize, if I do not go insane with frustration or rage at all that life and death has to throw at me, then I will live. And no doubt I will become stronger and more tested.

Seizing control

I really need to seize control of my mind, my life before I spiral deeper into worry, doubt and fear. It cannot be healthy being so plagued by tiredness and sleepiness all the time. It cannot be good when the moment I lie down and pull the covers over my head is the happiest moment of my day.

I really can no longer let sadness and worry ru(i)n my days and set my life adrift from one day to the next.
In the coming weeks, I'm going to have to make a number of fundamental changes.

Weather

Moods, like the weather, are unpredictable and ever-changing. Sometimes it's bright as a sunny day, other times it's gloomy and dull. Sometimes, it's violent as a sudden storm, other times, it's tranquil and gentle like the first snow of winter falling slowly and softly.

And are you going to get upset about the weather? Are you going to go out into the world and demand that the rain, sunshine, wind or blizzard stop at once? No. Of course not. You let the rain fall, let the sun rays beat down on the earth, let the snow cover the roads and trees, let the wind sweep away the leaves. You can enjoy the agony of the storm, bask in the warmth of a hot day, soothe in the caress of drizzle falling like moths on your face, or you can seek refuge at home until the weather front has passed. But you let the weather be. There is no point to get worked up about the weather. There is no point to get upset when it is not the weather of your liking (or disliking). The weather is just the weather, just as the rain, the snowfall, the sunshine are just the way they are, and nothing more or less.

And it is the same with your mood... agony, anger, frustration, depression, coldness, joy, rapture, elation... they are just the way they are, nothing more and nothing less. You can hide from them, wear the strongest willpower and forbearance to weather them... or you can be with them, enjoy them, ride with them. Only as long as they last...

Moods are like the weather, ever changing, out of your control, and pointless to cling onto. Just let them be, just let them come and go. After the sunshine there is bound to be rain. After the freeze, there is bound to be warmer temperatures. After the fog, the air will eventually clear. It may take time, but with time you will realise the continuously appearing and disappearing of it all. Nothing is permanent, nothing is the same or stays the same. Not the weather, not your moods, and certainly not this notion of 'self' that we cling onto as if it is the surest thing we have in life.

Saturday night in

Maybe he could hear the strangeness or sadness in my voice. But as soon as my friend called, he noticed something was wrong.

Something was wrong. I feel down, deflated and depressed. I try to work, but I long to lie down and fall asleep... to dream away, even if they are terrible and disturbing dreams, they seem less frightening than the prospect of facing reality. I guess I am an escapist. A Pisces who likes to (day)dream, who likes to swim in a river of fantasy towards a place of eternal security...

But life is rarely like daydreams and flights of fantasies. And it is in shows of friendship and companionship that makes life bear living. We don't have to be doing or saying anything... in fact, we watched movies we've both seen already, shared food and drinks, listened and sang some songs we remember from our childhoods. And those little things are enough to distract from sombre and dark thoughts eating away the peace and sanity of my mind these days...