Pass in time...

 Facebook reminded me of a song I shared three years ago to the day. It was 3 October 2012. Three months a few days after losing mum. It was a hundred days after losing mum. The feelings were so raw, so real. They were kept at bay because I needed to be strong for the sake of those around me. I needed to keep calm, carry on, I needed to because mum (and dad ) in heaven would not want to see me cry and break down. How that would break their hearts to see their dear son all alone and crying.

But three months after losing her, I lost myself.
The emotions could no longer be held at bay.
I had changed. And who knew, grief would change me and perhaps play into that fear that I would forever lose my humanity and ability to care, to love, to give, to be who I am and have hoped I will always be...

Three years later , hearing this song, I am filled with bitter sweet memories. Mum-ories. I have come such a long, long way, I really have. I have a job (even if it pays poorly...), a  condo, cats, and all those memories and very regrets about how it all happened. I may not have it all, I may not be rich or may not have found the love I so want, but I am stronger, more together than ever before.


It will pass. Grief will pass. And the past will remain in the past. I must continually remind myself that... continually tell myself, calm myself whenever I have nightmares, whenever I feel the loneliness and deep, deep sense of isolation creep up and haunt my very being, my very insides and soul, that the past is the past, and I must let it all go. However hard it may all be, let things be.

I'm just "here for a while"...

"Oh darling, darling, don't you be like me.
You will fall in love with the very first man you meet."
But mother, mother, some will never know;
The love that you have is still holding my soul."

Indeed, how vulnerable I have become since losing mum, losing the people dearest and who are deepest in my heart and soul. And I must, perhaps for the rest of my life, perhaps for another year, another decade, contend and cope with that. Only in letting go, in moving forward with life and with all that has transpired will I truly be able to move on. 

"So much stays unknown till the time has come.
Did you imagine you could ever be so strong,
Then watch your fear just turn into relief?
Your sea of doubt become your own belief?
Though tears don't come to cry some grief away,
The tears will help to keep your need at bay.

So come on now, come on now, child.
You're here just a while.
Come on now, come on now, child.
You're here just a while.

A mother told me just before she died
My mother told me just before she died,
"Oh darling, darling, don't you be like me.
You will fall in love with the very first man you meet."
But mother, mother, some will never know;
The love that you have is still holding my soul."

Aunt's visit

She opened her suitcase, and there was a bag full of goodies. Tea of the highest quality, nuts and delicious cookies, and a carefully wrapped and fragile item (which I have not yet opened) which my auntie hand carried and packaged so meticulously to bring to me and to gift me for having purchased my new condo. Later, she stuffed an envelop full of money and insisted I take it...
This is kindness, hospitality and genorosity only family members, and dare I say Taiwanese people, are able to show.

She had flown thousands of miles to Canada and brought me all these goodies knowing that I am here all by myself, far away from any family or close relative. She said the message I sent her, wishing her happy Mid Autumn Festival, moved her... I said I miss my family most of all on that day. And she felt she wanted and needed  to do something to make me feel I am not alone, and that there are still many at home who care about and think of me.

We went for a walk, and I led them through the university campus and up to my office building. They were impressed with the setting of my workplace (a really old mansion, antique walls and stained glass windows... really fancy and prestigeous looking...). When mum came, she too went to my office and met some of my colleagues back in 2011. And my auntie stood in my office, for a moment (and I managed to capture that moment on camera) she looked around and it was as if her eyes misted... Perhaps she was thinking of mum, thinking about how mum stood there in that same building barely three years ago...

We went to dinner, or at least she and a friend of hers insisted on taking me to dinner for I had not eaten and was waiting for them all evening to arrive at their hotel. We chatted more, catching up on life and reliving memories. All those trips! All those memories/mumories of travels with mum... funny stories, one or two I did not know till tonight (when mum was in the washroom at a train station, and a drunk barged into the washroom and was trying to kick in the door because he really had to go... it terrified my auntie, but mum did not realise what was all happening as she was inside a stall and busy...)... beautiful stories of trips we took together, of restaurants we went to together... of such wonderful times we had together... When mum was still around... when mum was still all smiles and had that energy, bore with her that kindness and warmth as she took my aunt and a friend of hers to places all over Europe... My aunt got misty eyed again as she spoke.... spoke about their childhood together (they are cousins), about how my mum really looked out for her. And I reminded her of how highly my mum spoke of her mum, for were it not for my auntie's mum, my mum probably would never have that opportunity to go to university and get a good job. All thanks to her mum, who offered to pay for after-school tuition so that my mum could get good grades and excel and in a way escape from the life my mum's stepmum wanted her to have (that of a simple housewife, for in the stepmum's eyes,  women need not study...)

I have been feeling somewhat down and missing mum a lot this past week or so, pretty much since the full moon on Mid Autumn Festival. That date is so special, the day when families come together and sit under the full moon... The sense of nostalgia and the longing for days and childhood gone by saddens and weakens me greatly. Seeing my auntie and reliving some of those memories helped, and I realised again how not alone I am for there are those who miss mum and her warmth and her presence still...

Floating Thoughts

"Where do we go from here?
This isn't where we intended to be..."

How it sucks when you develop feelings too quickly and are left wanting and with unfulfilled emotions...

The night before yesterday, I had a long and deep discussion with the nurse , and we kind of came to the conclusion that "whatever will be, will be". I don't know why, I suddenly woke up at 5ish in the morning and couldnt sleep , and at around 7 I got up to write a long and heartfelt email about how I felt. The rest of the day I felt exhausted, and like crap. Perhaps partyl because I did not quite get the response I was expecting... But what was I expecting? It was a polite reply of appreciation and akcknowledgement, nothing more . What else could or did I expect? As we had discussed, it was all too uncertain, and we were just beginning to know one another.

Even so, after our talk, after he described how he met his ex and that powerful magic he felt from the first moment they met, I felt whatever is between us seemed doomed and would not last... How do I compare with that apparent confidence other people seem to have? How do I feel good about myself in a way that others would appreciate me for who I am?

Again, in being with someone, I find myself questioning and doubting if I am good enough... Good enough to receive love, good enough to give love in return... Good enough to be loved, good enough to maintain a relationship and have that sense of stability and familiarity that I so much crave...

But I am not other people, I am my own person, with all my insecurities, warts and beauties... This is not a competition.

What is meant to be is meant to be. What cannot be will not be.

Three months...

My boss called me today at the office and spoke to me for a long time. He thanked me for the great work I did editing a paper, and also offered me opportunities for getting my name out there. Toward the end of the conversation, he suggested that I consider applying to the PhD programme again, something that due to politics and bias (and unprofessionalism on the part of a decision maker) I was rejected from earlier in May.

Do I go...?
Do I stay...?
What do I do?

I feel my mind filled with such nagging questions, and a growing sense of sadness and heaviness as the days toward my planned departure approach. I set December/January as a deadline for me to leave this place, to bid farewell to all that I have known for over 7 years so I can start life anew and fresh in my new condo. But  things are uncertain... I feel my mind in flux. I feel tired and demotivated. I feel I lack support and guidance, feel that I am again drifting and cast in doubt.

These feelings have been exacerbated by the fact that I met someone early September. A simple, innocent message has over the past three weeks or so (since that Labour Day night, 7 September) turned into several encounters and three occasions we could not be apart from one another for 30something hours... He's smart, beautiful, doing his PhD while being a nurse on the side... He's kind, compassionate, loving and most of all listens. It seemed like such a wonderful match, and we enjoy each other's company a lot (and we pretty much enjoy the same things in bed, which has always been a huge obstacle for me to be with someone for the long term.

But I am leaving. And just before we met for the first time, I told him, for  I did not want to hide or conceal anything from anyone, that I am leaving. I knew that would kill the buzz, would unseat hopes and stunt whatever feelings may grow, but he needed to know, and I told him.

Last night, we had a deep conversation about where we are going. We seem to care for one antoher and treasure one another;s company... but is that enough? Where are we going? Do you invest more time together, or just recngise that this may all be doomed and just try not get too attached? Can I even consider being "the other" after a few months ago his first long term *3 years) relationship ended because of long distance?