Another issue I've been 'dying' (unwise choice of words, as you'll see)
to write about, but could not on my regular blog.
So I just returned from visiting my friend, who unexpectedly became pregnant and did not realise before it was too late. She decided to have the baby, despite many doubts and tormeted sleepless nights and days thinking about it. Eventually the thought of removing (thereby killing) an alive and wriggling being inside of her, which by the time she discovered she was pregnant was the already clearly visible on the echograph, was simply too much.
To my surprise I was just told by my brother's girlfriend that her period is 'late' and has tested 'positive' for pregnancy on more than one occassion. My brother didn't have the courage to tell me himself. I suspected something was 'up' for a few days, since both their behaviours were 'unusual'. And his girlfriend one evening just said she couldn't bear to hide it any more.
OK, it seems like unwanted pregnancies seem to have become the norm these days. In two months I've come across four people who are confronted with the situation. In my brother and his girlfriend's case even protection didn't do the protecting it was supposed to. Well, they did expressly state that it's only 99.9% safe...
There's not much choice except to abort. But I am a little surprised, so far, how easy both of them are taking this whole issue. Admittedly, his girlfriend is in no position to have this baby, financially and physically. And if she did, it'd probabaly be scandalous and defeat the whole purpose of her stay here, which is to study. She's my age, and perhaps it's a little too young to bring up another child, when you yourself are still in the process of being brought up.
But the way they talk about it, it were as if it were the easiest thing. There doesn't seem to be any struggle on the conscience, or at least not that I can sense. Perhaps the effects will soon dawn on her, who knows. To be fair, she did mention that it would make her and my brother both 'murderers'...but there's no other choice.
And the other ridiculous thing is that my brother wants me to go with her to the clinic when it needs to be done. He says he doesn't want to miss work, since it'll be the first week so he doesn't want to leave a bad impression.
I mean, HELLO?!?!?! What is that?! I told him outright no, I will not go! I told him he is the one responsible, so he deal with it. How insensitive to not want to accompany his own girlfriend through something as 'big' and significant as this?
I can't understand it.
Well, perhaps like my brother's girlfriend joked the other day, I'd never have to worry about this, since I don't have a girlfriend.
And I never will.
06 May 2006
Flair?
I guess this is one of the big questions that's been nagging me recently, and why I started this alternative blog thing.
While visiting my pregnant friend in France, I had many thoughts and came to, more or less, some conclusions. Being with a mother-to-be and basically assuming the role of a father-to-be (though I'm not the father!) made me think about myself. There were moments of when we were really close, doing stuff probably the boyfriend or husband would be doing (but without the passion or 'spark'), like rubbing her back, or helping her walk about, covering her with a quilt at night etc. I didn't feel a thing. I'm sure if the person I was rubbing or holding hands with were some guy, there'd be 'sparks' and butterflies. Another indication of my gay-ness : P
I've always been scared of being close to girls...and I think it's a bit too old for this fear to be just 'playground cooties'. There were a couple of times at high school when girls came onto me, and I totally freaked out. One or two tried to get intimate, like holding hands or touching. Whenever that happened I just froze and felt very stiff and unnatural. I'd pull away quickly and try to avoid the person, but that would end up hurting them...which I don't like doing.
And at times while I was with my pregnant single-mother-to-be friend I felt this same unnaturalness and discomfort. Especially when I walked with her on the street, the way people seemed to be looking at us scared me. It's probably all in my head, but to me the way people looked at us seemed to be with such disapproval and disgust. I think it's the thought that people may interpret us as a 'couple' that scared me a lot. Even though we're not a couple, and definitely could never be a couple, the thought seems haunting!
Well, my friend seems to have a thing with gay people. She says she knows so many gays and lesbians, and could easily tell whether someone is gay or not. She said she could tell I'm gay from the very start. It's in the way I walk, she said, saying that it's a bit 'much' (ie camp). I don't expressly do it, and if she hadn't told me I wouldn't even know. I mean when I walk, I just walk. I don't intentionally walk and swing my legs and butt from side to side...I just walk! The comment did effect me somewhat, since I've never seen myself as 'camp' or never imagined that the way I walk or behave would 'give me away'. I'm not going to start changing the way I walk or behave just because of what she said, her comments did affect me somewhat.
My friend did have something positive, I guess, to say. One night as I dressed up for a night in town she mentioned that I definitely could be "A-class" material on the gay market, if only I would be more confident about myself. The way I talk, the way I look, the way I treat people...it's all good and desirable stuff, but without confidence I would never 'shine'.
I guess ever since last year I've been really trying to take more care of myself, and like myself more. It's difficult, but I'm progressing. I've changed somewhat, in the way I dress, I way I do my hair, but the most difficult is changing the way I feel about myself. Feeling worthless and unwanted shows in the way you interact with others, and if you can't feel good about yourself, how are you supposed to make new friends, let alone develop a relationship? That's always been something that's been nagging me. I want to change the way I feel about myself! I want to be free from this inner voice inside of me which makes me so self-conscious and critical of myself! I want to open up, be spontaneous and have a good laugh like everyone else!
I wrote this the night I went out:
This pretty much sums up how I feel about myself, and how hard it is to meet people, let alone develop something further.
While visiting my pregnant friend in France, I had many thoughts and came to, more or less, some conclusions. Being with a mother-to-be and basically assuming the role of a father-to-be (though I'm not the father!) made me think about myself. There were moments of when we were really close, doing stuff probably the boyfriend or husband would be doing (but without the passion or 'spark'), like rubbing her back, or helping her walk about, covering her with a quilt at night etc. I didn't feel a thing. I'm sure if the person I was rubbing or holding hands with were some guy, there'd be 'sparks' and butterflies. Another indication of my gay-ness : P
I've always been scared of being close to girls...and I think it's a bit too old for this fear to be just 'playground cooties'. There were a couple of times at high school when girls came onto me, and I totally freaked out. One or two tried to get intimate, like holding hands or touching. Whenever that happened I just froze and felt very stiff and unnatural. I'd pull away quickly and try to avoid the person, but that would end up hurting them...which I don't like doing.
And at times while I was with my pregnant single-mother-to-be friend I felt this same unnaturalness and discomfort. Especially when I walked with her on the street, the way people seemed to be looking at us scared me. It's probably all in my head, but to me the way people looked at us seemed to be with such disapproval and disgust. I think it's the thought that people may interpret us as a 'couple' that scared me a lot. Even though we're not a couple, and definitely could never be a couple, the thought seems haunting!
Well, my friend seems to have a thing with gay people. She says she knows so many gays and lesbians, and could easily tell whether someone is gay or not. She said she could tell I'm gay from the very start. It's in the way I walk, she said, saying that it's a bit 'much' (ie camp). I don't expressly do it, and if she hadn't told me I wouldn't even know. I mean when I walk, I just walk. I don't intentionally walk and swing my legs and butt from side to side...I just walk! The comment did effect me somewhat, since I've never seen myself as 'camp' or never imagined that the way I walk or behave would 'give me away'. I'm not going to start changing the way I walk or behave just because of what she said, her comments did affect me somewhat.
My friend did have something positive, I guess, to say. One night as I dressed up for a night in town she mentioned that I definitely could be "A-class" material on the gay market, if only I would be more confident about myself. The way I talk, the way I look, the way I treat people...it's all good and desirable stuff, but without confidence I would never 'shine'.
I guess ever since last year I've been really trying to take more care of myself, and like myself more. It's difficult, but I'm progressing. I've changed somewhat, in the way I dress, I way I do my hair, but the most difficult is changing the way I feel about myself. Feeling worthless and unwanted shows in the way you interact with others, and if you can't feel good about yourself, how are you supposed to make new friends, let alone develop a relationship? That's always been something that's been nagging me. I want to change the way I feel about myself! I want to be free from this inner voice inside of me which makes me so self-conscious and critical of myself! I want to open up, be spontaneous and have a good laugh like everyone else!
I wrote this the night I went out:
I wanted to see the 'night life, and perhaps even experience a part of it. When I left, as usual, my spirits were high. Deep inside my childish dreams of meeting someone and spending the night in another person's embrace deluded me.
Again, the sheer sight of people, the laughter, the crowded spaces and tensions frightened me to the extent that I literally shivered out of fear a couple of times.
I just can't gather up the courage to go inside a bar and sit down to have a drink alone. I simply can't, despite so many cute guys I saw at many places. I simply freeze in such situations. So what do you expect when there are so many internal inhibitions?
...Though [my friend] said I'd be 'easy-picking' in the gay community, I wonder if it's true at all.
This pretty much sums up how I feel about myself, and how hard it is to meet people, let alone develop something further.
01 May 2006
Yeah~ New blog
Welcome to Lonely Island, my blog about
"Being a wanderer, being gay, being a 'survivor'. These are the sounds from the deeper parts of my life."
It's been just over a year since I started blogging. I enjoy it a lot, and I'll keep on writing down my thoughts and personal experiences for other people to read. But I guess I've reached that stage when so many people are reading my blog that I can't easily write about just anything I want to.
So, the solution?
An alternative blog, this very one you are now reading!
I've been wanting to do this a while now, but just wondering where the best place would be to host it. I'll just stick with the ease and user-friendliness of Blogger !
There are some parts of my life that I just don't feel comfortable at the moment revealing to everyone..., you know, the things you'd rather not have your not-so-close-friends, parents, relatives know about. For me, those are the parts about
-me being gay,
-which also relates to my current non-existent and desperate love life,
-the part about experiences I had as a child,
-about the ways (eg1, eg2, eg3, eg4) it has affected my life deeply,
-and other parts that I feel may hurt other people's feelings if I write about them on my main blog.
I'm creating this new alternative blog with mixed feelings. Ever since I started blogging, I guess I've always followed the motto "My life is an open book". I mean I'm not exactly ashamed to express my feelings and thoughts, but then sometimes those same feelings and thoughts are best kept seperate and safe from others.
I don't know if you could call it self-censorship by creating another blog altogether. Perhaps not, since I'm still going to write about them. I wish I could just write about anything and everything in one place and not have to manage so many blogs at the same time. I do hope that someday I will have the courage and ability to combine what I write here with my main blog, so that people, whoever they are and however well they know me, will know the real me.
Happy reading~
"Being a wanderer, being gay, being a 'survivor'. These are the sounds from the deeper parts of my life."
It's been just over a year since I started blogging. I enjoy it a lot, and I'll keep on writing down my thoughts and personal experiences for other people to read. But I guess I've reached that stage when so many people are reading my blog that I can't easily write about just anything I want to.
So, the solution?
An alternative blog, this very one you are now reading!
I've been wanting to do this a while now, but just wondering where the best place would be to host it. I'll just stick with the ease and user-friendliness of Blogger !
There are some parts of my life that I just don't feel comfortable at the moment revealing to everyone..., you know, the things you'd rather not have your not-so-close-friends, parents, relatives know about. For me, those are the parts about
-me being gay,
-which also relates to my current non-existent and desperate love life,
-the part about experiences I had as a child,
-about the ways (eg1, eg2, eg3, eg4) it has affected my life deeply,
-and other parts that I feel may hurt other people's feelings if I write about them on my main blog.
I'm creating this new alternative blog with mixed feelings. Ever since I started blogging, I guess I've always followed the motto "My life is an open book". I mean I'm not exactly ashamed to express my feelings and thoughts, but then sometimes those same feelings and thoughts are best kept seperate and safe from others.
I don't know if you could call it self-censorship by creating another blog altogether. Perhaps not, since I'm still going to write about them. I wish I could just write about anything and everything in one place and not have to manage so many blogs at the same time. I do hope that someday I will have the courage and ability to combine what I write here with my main blog, so that people, whoever they are and however well they know me, will know the real me.
Happy reading~
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