Retirement

Mum said she was moved to tears yesterday. It was her last day at the office, and her colleagues surprised her with a feast. She felt awkward to be at the centre of attention, and never been a good public speaker, was suddenly asked to make a speech.

And then they all broke out in song:

I come by chance, like a grain of dust

Who can see my weakness?

Where do I come from? Where does my heart belong?

Who will call out to me in the next moment?

Though the heaven and earth is broad, 

Though this road is difficult to walk on, 

I have seen the hardships and toils of this world.

I still have so much love, I still have so many tears, 

Let the whole heaven know, I do not recognise defeat.

A heart of gratitude, thankful for you[r being]

Accompanying me my whole life, allowing me the courage to be myself.

A heart of gratitude, thankful for life and fate.

Flowers blossoming and flowers shedding, I will treasure it all. 

Mum cried, and a friend quickly handed her a tissue to wipe her tears. I can just imagine the scene and the moment... in that office I have visited so many times in the past, in that office where sometimes even in evenings and in weekend I would spend together with mum as she worked overtime... in that office where everyday mum would bring scraps and dried food to feel the many stray and hungry cats in the back garden. The same office where I saw her laugh and be so happy to be surrounded by good friends and caring co-workers who have been so supportive and understanding of her situation.

On the phone, she said she did not know what made it cry, why she got emotional... I assured her that everyone must have valued her contributions, her presence and dedication. Twenty-five years of her life she has served in the civil service, there have been ups and downs. Now, finally at the end of it all, she can start the a new chapter in the rest of her life in relative peace and ease.

I did not say it, but perhaps deep down, mum felt remorse and sad that after all this time working, and now finally being able to retire, her health is no longer what it used to be. When others are just beginning to rediscover life, she is forced to fight for it again and again...

Part of me and my mind goes back to almost five years ago, to that day when dad retired. I was there to celebrate his retirement, to thank him in person for all the hardwork and sacrifices that allowed us (me) to enjoy such a good life and education. Dad did not really have long to enjoy his retirement, and for a year or so before his passing, he basically stayed home and read... Maybe that was his hobby, his escape, his life as he saw fit. But sometimes I feel he could given himself much more, could have enjoyed himself much more-- much more than what he has given me in life...

Mum deserves every bit of happiness and well-wish on this important day.

And I can only hope that she will take the time and moment to enjoy her life, to finally live her life with regret or worry.

Complicated

"Okay, so there's no permanent love in this world, and you can never really know anyone, but at least there's heaven. Perhaps heaven is being in love and the feeling never stops- the feeling of intimacy never stops- you feel intimate forever". from Player One: What is to become of Us?

Why is it that human relationships are so complicated? Or is it because we humans make relationships so complicated? Constantly we are bombarded by emotions, by words and sounds from the outside world that often times overwhelm the voice deep inside. What is it that you really want? What is it that you really long for? What is it that you are giving up and living for? These, and so many other questions, make us all feel so insecure, so uncertain and so afraid... When all the time, we just want to be happy, to be loved, and to love in return.

Love is friendship on fire, someone once said. Isn't it easier to meet someone, and allow feelings to gradually build and develop? It's romantic, heart-warming to just think about it, to just dream about it. It's something I've been longing for for such a long, long time, especially as bits and pieces of my life have been slipping away in recent years. And I feel the more dear people in my life slip slowly away, the stronger the longing for love grows... Perhaps as a means to compensate for my losses, perhaps just because I'm in need of distraction to mask and numb the pain inside...

But do I really know how to love? Beyond the physical, the sexual intimacies, what is it that connects two people on a deeper level?  I've heard of stories of people who wait patiently for their "one true love". I've heard of people who love from a distance, hoping and praying for an opportunity to get close(r) to the one they love. What is it that drives them, these hopeful romantics, to wait and to hold on to hope? What is it that makes someone love so deeply, even if that feeling is not reciprocated or acknowledged?

Do I really know the meaning, or what it takes, to love and be in love? What do I have to feel? What do I have to do? Am I blind and deaf to it all? Is a synapse that connects the feelings of the heart with the processor of the mind fundamentally missing within? Is my heart closed off to deeper feelings that throughout time have driven people to sing and cry about? Is the abused child inside erecting impenetrable barriers so as not to be hurt or abused again? And what does it take to sustain the love, to keep the passion burning with the passage of time, to keep the mutual affection youthful and refreshing day and night? My mind can be so weak, I know it, so weak and so susceptible to boredom and unfeeling-ness with time...

So many questions, but no answers. Perhaps love should not be approached with words and questions and rationality. Perhaps love just is.