Dear friends

So I wandered the cold, cold streets at night for a while. My breath blurred my vision as I walked aimelessly in the empty streets. Peering into windows, families were sitting at the dinner table, dining, bonding, sharing amid twinkling last and an open fire.

Feeling upset I called a friend, just to talk. Within the next minute, he told me to wait. He was coming to meet me. For him to get to where I was he had to travel almost an hour, yet he was willing to do so. Just for a chat, to share a drink, to make me feel and know I'm not alone.

Just for me. As we parted later in the night, as I watched him walk away, I felt myself smile and warm up inside. What did I do to deserve such a kind, selfless gesture? And in a few more hours another friend will receive me, take me in, give me the warmth and hugs I need over the Christmas period.

How wonderful it is to have friends... friends who come to you when you least expect it, when you most need them most.

Ridiculous

I'm going out. More like forced out.

Came home just now after work to a house party. Not even the decency to tell me before hand there was going to be a party. Such bad attitude, treating me like I shouldn't even be there. And yet the table is set, with me included. Do they really expect me to eat with them? Just thinking about it I've lost my apetite.

I'm just going to go wander the streets for a few hours. Anything, anywhere to be away from here. But it's freezing, freezing cold out there...

Tomorrow I'll be gone.

Call before Christmas

A call to my parents before Christmas.

As we were talking, mum started sniffing.
Christmas and holiday seasons children go home,
And families are reunited.
Her colleagues talk of the warmth and love
When their children come home.
But I'm not anywhere home.

How guilty she felt, mum said.
It was thirteen when she left,
Thirteen when I was alone for the first time.
I cried at Christmas, at New Years, at Easter too.
But that was then.
And this is now.
The holidays have lost their meaning,
The time for reunion have lost their effect.
And I cry no more.

But mum did, and today still does.

Commercial Christmas

Almost twelve hours of deep, deep sleep later, I was fresher, livelier than before. The sun was shining, it was a new day.

A friend invited a bunch of us to go to her place for lunch. A nice little village close to Leiden, and for the first time ever I rode in a car which came with a diplomatic license and driver. Speed, honk, drive carelessly, and the moment people see the license plate they keep their distance. But being (self-proclaiming moral) international lawyers we knew not to abuse diplomatic immunities.

Turned out I was the only guy there. Well, it wasn't so bad, not when they were babbling about how and where to get a perm, what lotions to use, facials, back-scrubs and toe-nail painting. We did talk about other more normal things.... swinger clubs (which was apparently just around the corner in the middle of farmer country), mistresses, sugar-daddies, trios, drink and drugs. Funny.

One of them is about to give birth soon, so we talked about tips and exchanged experiences. To them I seemed like the 'perfect' guy... caring, kind, can cook and sensitive. When we somehow got onto the topic of star signs, the fact that I'm a Pisces made them swoon. "Oooh, Pisces are the most romatic guys".

I couldn't help but blush.

Well, Christmas shopping still had to be done, so afterwards we headed into town. For the next few hours wandered the streets prowling, with bank cards ready to swipe, and swipe again. To be honest, I don't like shopping, especially when you have to fight your way to the cashier with people hauling bigger bags than Santa Claus himself. But somehow Christmas has become a shopper's worst nightmare, and sacred heaven at the same time. Just look around you... where does it seem immune to the spread of that age-old Christmas spirit of commercialism and buying binges? Christmas carols that normally seemed so tranquil and so soothing had somehow morphed into the hypnotising songs of mercantilism conveying the subtle message of buy, buy, buy!

I got what I wanted for my mother-friend, her little baby, and some others. Beaten, tired, drained of money, I headed home, with full bags of goodies and gifts, yet emptily wondering whether Christmas meant much more.

And my doubt was, somehow, just answered by a beautiful, beautiful song...

Till I had you I didnt know
That I was missing out
Had to grow up and see the world
Through different shades of doubt
Give me one more chance to dream again
One more chance to feel again
Through your young heart
If only for one day let me try

I wanna see Christmas through your eyes
I want everything to be the way it used to be
Back to being a child again thinking the world was mine
I wanna see Christmas, Christmas through your eyes

I see the rain, you see the rainbow hiding in the clouds
Never afraid to let your love show
Wont you show me how
Wanna learn how to believe again
Find the innocence in me again
Through your young heart
Help me find a way, help me try

I wanna see Christmas through your eyes
I want everything to be the way it used to be
Back to being a child again thinking the world was kind
I wanna see Christmas, Christmas through your eyes

"True friend"

I just got this from a friend. It's one of these forward-to-so-and-so-number-of-people-and-your-wish-will-come-true emails. Well, I'm not going to do that, because I don't want to select who is a friend, and who is not. But if you're reading this, you must be, or at least could be. Which means "my true love" won't appear at midnight ... ...but I have friends. -------- I like you because of who you are to me... A true friend . And if I don't get this back I'll take the hint Tonight at midnight your true love will realize they like you. Something good will happen to you at 1:00-4:00 PM tomorrow. It could be anywhere -- Get ready for the biggest shock of your life. Please send to 5 people in 5 minutes . Remember: "A good friend will come bail you out of jail.... But a true friend will be sitting next to you saying . WE screwed up, but we had fun! " Proud to be your Friend! Make sure you read all the way down to the last sentence, and don't skip ahead . I've learned...that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes. I've learned...that we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for. I've learned...that money doesn't buy class. I've learned...that it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular. I've learned...that under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved. I've learned...that the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can? I've learned...that to ignore the facts does not change the facts. I've learned...that the less time I have to work, the more things I get done. To all of you...make sure you read all the way down to the last sentence. It's National Friendship Week. Show your friends how much you care. Send this to everyone you consider a FRIEND, even if it means sending it back to the person who sent it to you . If it comes back to you, then you'll know you have a circle of friends. HAPPY FRIENDSHIP WEEK TO YOU!!!!!! YOU ARE MY FRIEND AND I am honoured.

It's almost Christmas...

Oh, that wonderful feeling.

It started the moment I put the last punctuation mark on my exam this morning. No more international law... no more assignment deadlines... no more pre-exam sleeplessness nights... at least for the next couple of days.

Had to quickly go straight to work after the exam, but I was feeling somewhat lighter. As the day went by, filled with hours and hours of stuffing envelops and sticking stamps at work, I realised how tired I was. Three hours or so I slept last night...sometime between 3am and 6am. And despite feeling that adrenaline rush just before and after the exam the drowsy feeling and sore eyes started to show.

I really don't like talking about exams after it... and like it even less when people insist on discussing what you put for this and that question. But I guess on the whole I did well, or at least, well enough to pass . And just now I received an email from the lecturer of the other course I was doing this term (International Relations), and I managed to pass with a 9. The lecturer added he actually has "never given a higher mark" before! : ) He even said I met the test of an "advanced Master student with honour". I think it's the paper I did... a critical assessment of the EU's human rights dialogue with China, written in almost as many words as a full masters thesis. Maybe I'll post it up sometime, because even I'm very satisfied with it (and it isn't often).

So, three months, almost 500hrs of study, four subjects, thousands of pages of readings, two exams, two class presentations, five papers later, I can't believe I'm actually half way through my course already. Two weeks of holidays we have, but in the first week of January we have two exams and one more paper due. Not much of a break from studies I guess.

Next few days I'll just 'shut down' for a short while. I think I deserve, and need it. Two more days, and then I'm off to Strasbourg, to see my friend and her sweet little son. Ironic that I should leave home to be home for Christmas. But then again, family is not always the people you're related to.

Still need to do some first-minute Christmas shopping, send a few warm wishes to people near and far, think of all the people and places that made this year so worthwhile, and me smile. Because...

...it's almost Christmas.


PS:
The paper is uploaded on my other blog!!

Grade!

Just got my grade for my third and last assignment for Public International Law.

Overjoyed, and surprised too, to see I've steadily improved since that 7 I first got in September, and now up to 8.5! : ) Those weeks of reading and writing and long hours in the library really paid off... Which puts me above the class average, and in a more (or less) confident position to face the exam tomorrow!

OK, must study. 19 hours and counting....

Encounter

While taking a break from studying I met an old colleague from the time I worked at the faculty as an intern. His son passed away some months ago while travelling in the Himalayas. He was my age.

I was surprised to see my colleague, and he to see me. How haggered and torn he looked, sorrow written on his face, grief showing through the blank stare in his eyes. I wasn't sure what to say, but, perhaps awkwardly, asked how he was feeling, and how he's been coping.

"It's the darkest period of my life...", he replied, shaking his head, and looking down at the ground.

As he left after our brief encounter, I told him those words I say to everyone whenever I part company with: "Take care..."

And this time I meant it, more and with more meaning, than ever more. He grabbed me by the arm and patted it gently, like a father would. His eyes seemed to shimmer.

His son was my age.

Fog

It's one of those still, silent nights. After ten hours in the library I walked out of the law building, to be confronted with a world shrouded in fog. A surprise, since the whole day the weather had been quite clear and crisp. I guess a lot of things happen when you retreat away from the real world into the supposed black and white world of law.

Cycling home, past the forest and woods, the front lights of my bike created a tunnel of light, beaming ahead of me. All around me, a semi-transparent layer of vapour and cold. Somewhat refreshing, to breathe in, and feel the dew condense inside of you. Somewhat a mysterious feel to everything too, as if everything is veiled over by a thick, thick blanket, whereas I'm the only one speeding ahead, speeding home in the middle of the night.

It was a slow start to study today. Went in early, hoping to get more work done. Chose a place under the huge skylight so as to get plenty of light and sun, and to keep me awake. But it didn't help. Somehow I'm not all that efficient in the morning. After dozing off a couple of times, decided to go out and take a stroll. A breath of fresh air can do wonders, and it really did help.
After I went back in the afternoon, I more or less sat and read, and read....

....and besides the occassional shy, drifting eyes whenever some good-looking guy walked by, I did manage to focus, more or less, and actually understand some of the complicated issues we've been dealing with over the past few months. What wonderful eureka moments, after some muddling around confused and lost, only to have ideas and thoughts suddenly click together like a puzzle!

Two more days to go.

Things people argue about II

Well, I think I should start making a list of things that the others at home argue about.

First, let's not forget the chicken wings. How can we forget the I-suspect-you-have-something-with-the-ex bicker? Then, the toothpast-in-the-sink episode at half past seven in the morning. Once it was about a mutual friend of theirs who came over for dinner more or less unannounced.

Just now, it was the how-many-drawers-do-you-need-to-occupy argument.

It's pretty amusing, and a deserving entertainment break from my studying.