Cheating...

Can it be called cheating if you're not officially in a relationship? It still does not take away the shock and surprise, unpleasant surprise.

So eight weeks ago I met this really sweet guy, and we have been seeing each other every single week since. It became a sort of routine, every Thursday after my French class we would meet up and spend almost the whole weekend together. We'd have hours of fun chatting, watching series online, and sleeping next to one another... He liked  me, and I liked him.  A lot. For the first time in such a long time, I felt I found someone I could talk to, especially as he lost a parent recently as well. There was so much passion, and intimacy, and it felt beautiful...

The second week or so, just before he left, I asked him what we are... "We're dating..." he said, "exclusive with one another." and he said he'd be very jealous if I went to see someone else or slept with someone else. I'd pamper him with what he told me are his favourite foods, and treat him ever so dearly, the way I would a partner. He told me a couple of times I'm too nice to him, and that he doesn't deserve me... Last week again he told me how much he likes me, and how he is so attracted to me...

Tonight I found an ad online which sounded so similar to the one I responded to and which led to our meeting (yes, I was looking online because it's a turn on...). Curiously, I answered it (with a fake email and identity... I admit, my bad...) And within an hour or so came a reply, with the same guy's pictures. I was surprised. What made it worse was minutes before he replied to that email, he was still exchanging messages with me. I asked if he wanted to come over, like he'd done over the past few weeks. He said he was too tired, and that he wanted to stay home...

Stay home? More like hooking up online... 

I'm in shock... and very sad. Over the past few weeks I thought we've really bonded and perhaps I was a fool to dream and imagine that it was something really special. Maybe he's just one of those young guys looking for fun, moving from one to the next without commitment or thinking of tomorrow. Who can blame him, especially being younger and having so many years ahead of him still to figure out what he wants...? But I'm deeply disappointed and feel like I've lost a dear friend.
It doesn't help me to heal, but makes me want to withdraw more. Are all guys like this? Dishonest, two-faced and immaturely looking just for instantaneous fun without attachments...? It's scary to think that this is the way the world is...

Uselessness

What did I do today? Woke up at eleven, three hours later than the alarm rang for the first time. Skipped work, and was in no mood to study.

A friend dropped by and we went house hunting. Twelve hours later, after a few drinks in a bar and a few shooters at a club, I'm heading home. Tipsy, my head swaying, music in my ears, typing frantically on the iPhone.

How do I feel? Pensive. Exams due in two weeks. Unprepared. My mind is thinking of flying away, disappearing, hiding. My mind is imagining the bright lights of Las Vegas, the tranquility of the Grand Canyon. I dream of going somewhere to feed and nourish my broken and tired, tired soul. My mind drifts to Taiwan, to a trip I will be making in less than two months. It is as if I want to be anywhere but here... Anywhere but in this moment...

Overwhelmed I feel, by what I am not sure. Exhausted I feel, but I cannot say why or how I have become this way. All the time I think of the law exams I am planning to do that will eventually lead me to qualifying for the bar. All I feel inside is dread, fear, and absolutely can find no motivation or reason for doing them...

Guilt, I feel. I am as good as dead... Squandering away my days and youth, burdened by this heaviness I cannot seem escape from. Many have told me I must go through this before I can heal and before I can rise and soar again. But I am impatient. And it does not help when others look at me so critically and give me the feeling I have become so useless...

I feel this sense of isolation, of detachment. I feel so useless, as if I'm wasting my life away. Why do people look so happy? How can they dance so happily with friends, how can they easily hook up with another? Why do I feel such loneliness deep inside? Why do I have such difficulty finding someone who could recognise my feelings and who could hold my hand and tell me it'll all be alright...?

I so long for someone to sleep with me, to hold me and to show me the meaning of life, the purpose of living and giving once more...

readjustment

Night rider

Frustrated after a day of unproductivity, I grabbed my bike and my iPhone and rushed out the door. I feel like my head could explode, feel the loneliness grab at my heart and feel like I could stop breathing.

Biking helped. The release of adrenaline and sweat helped. I biked along the canal, to a point overlooking the city skyline.


Two summers ago, my ex and I biked here. We sat and chatted, and admired the city in the distance. I felt naughty and sat on a bench became very naughty. It was a warm and wonderful evening...

Tonight, I sit here alone, on a chilly night, watching the same city in the distance across the canal. How much has changed, how the city has changed!

I can barely contain my tears, it feels like. Yet I cannot cry... I cannot cry for my heart is dry, so drained and dry...

Slump

Inability to do anything, to feel motivated, to feel excited or to be productive...

It's not my fault.

And what a slap in my face when someone comes to tell me I have so much and should consider myself fortunate and (just shy of) telling me to get on and stop complaining...

Worthless feeling

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A friend came by last night, I've not seen her for around two weeks.

There were award silences because I did not feel I could tell her much. What I tell her will most likely be passed on elsewhere. This is sadly the nature of the closely knit friendship circle I am in.

And least of all I cannot tell her how I'm feeling, how I'm really feeling. Depression, therapy, tiredness and lethargy... I've tried to talk to her about it before. But the response I get from her makes me feel even worse. Worse, makes me feel worthless and like I'm a whiny sod who enjoys complaining when I have nothin to complain about.

So there was really little I could talk about. The conversations were forced, about very little. At one point I mentioned that I've been unproductive and very tired. I said I feel like I have so little purpose, that I have no motivation and no direction in life. Those were my true and honest feelings I've been wanting to share with someone, hoping someone will be able to understand and sympathize.

Well, that was a mistake on my half... my friend gave me a talk about how fortunate I am, about how I have so much and should really just get on with things. Maybe it was her way of encouraging me, her way of reminding me what I have and a way to push me forward. I imagine she means well, for why would she wish me ill?

But I felt horrible. As she spoke, I closed my eyes and shut out her words. I felt horrible. Horribly useless, as I were some spoiled brat who has it all and yet does nothing but complain. Her words ("People have to work! life goes on!") made me feel like I am a good-for-nothing layabout. Her tone made it sound as if I am making things difficult for myself, make it sound as if I am enjoying being depressed and unproductive.

At one point I really wanted to ask her to leave... But I kept my cool and just changed the topic.

The episode again showed me how and why I feel so distant from my friends. The episode showed again how very little people understand and how they cannot, cannot, cannot know what I feel like or why I feel like this these days. It just adds to salt to emotional injury I am trying to recover from.

And I am supposed to feel better? And I am supposed to be able to just shut away the pain, emptiness and loss inside and get on with things?


If there were a way, I would be dying to find out. If there were a way from this slump, this lethargy and indescribable emptiness I feel inside, I pray I could know.