Old friend

I prepared the spare bedroom for her visit, and placed by the bedside a balloon I bought around two and a half years ago when she came to see me. Then, I was still trying to find my steps in Montreal, and who would have known only two and something years later, I'd have my own little place I call home, and my lovely little cat.

She and I have always had a special bond, perhaps because of our somewhat opposite personalities. I admire her for her courage, her aspirations and dreams, despite coming from a rough childhood... And I guess she admires me for my ability to care and extend a hand to others, and my ability to remain calm despite the odds of life. So in many ways, we are a great match, and since we met on university, we've had a great many wonderful adventures together.

An episode caused a strain on our relationship, and we were not really in touch for a few months. Even so, I think there's a bind between us that will not easily sever. We had shared many memories together, many tears, many personal and dark secrets that only she and I know about. She was there when I received the phone call that dad was breathing his last breaths... And I vividly remember she shed tears for my pain. And I was there, as a complete surprise, to accompany her on a very difficult journey to discover her past. We've had long conversations, emails exchanges, slept next to one another. It's like a relationship we had, but even better in some ways because there was none of the complications of love, jealousy that can tear couple apart. It was a relationship of respect, trust, and genuine care for one another's wellbeing and personal growth.

I took her to the river bank yesterday afternoon and just sat and watched he river flow by.



So vast the river was, and how small we both felt. Yet over the sound of the flowing river, we reminded one another of stories, exchanged lives and realised how far we have come since we first met, since that union of an unlikely duo between a scared and worried me and a confused, frustrated her.

"do you remember....?" Yes, there are many things and experiences that have tied our lives together. She as establishing her life in the Netherlands, and I was just about to take my first steps towarda Canada. Somehow, in that two years of so our lives merged before we parted ways, we enriched one another's lives in so many ways.

"People in my life know about you," she said at one point. It just shows how significant an imprint we have made in our processes of self discovery, and acceptance of the individuals we both are.

We nay not have seen one another much in recent months, and we may not have communicated much either, but she is often in my mind, as I am I in hers.

dealing with people

To be honest, I have always been somewhat of a loner. Though not the 'classic loner' who is content being alone and left alone, but someone who enjoys time alone, but at the sane time crave human contact and care.

A lot has changed in the past few years, and a pot I have had to face. And deal with, all as part of growing up. More and more I'm realising who I am, what kind of person I can be. There are sides of me that even i find endearing. But there are also flaws in my character that make me someone who is difficult to get close to, and difficult to comprehend.

And being in a relationship, especially my first one where I live in the same city as my partner makes me realise more and more about myself and how I am seen by others. There is a loving side of me that I have rarely wanted ti admit, let alone appreciated-- a side that as my boyfriend and I are getting more steady, I see coming out and surprising even me. Who would have thought I'd just spontaneously just want to kiss him or hold his hand as we're walking down the street? It feels so natural, so affectionate, and there is I think no greater gesture how much you care (dare I say love?) someone than wanting to feel his body and warmth, and not being afraid to do so in public.

But there are sides of me that come out too when we have disagreements or when I feel tensions between us. So far, most things have come and gone within a short period of time, and we always seem able to talk things through and 'make up' relatively quickly. In those moments of tensions or frustrations, I see just how clearly how impure the mind can so easily become, how things can sit and simmer, how I am a typical kind of passive-aggressive type who when upset 'shuts down/out' and becomes cold and silent and almost impenetrable, or even very defensive. Of course, it usually takes two to argue or have a difference of opinion, but I realise more and more sometimes when the heat of the moment is gone, the anger, frustration goes too. And it never hurts to admit and say out loud that you've been wrong (or been wronged), because after all we are all human, and all trying to find our place in this world, in living with one another in peace.

And I for one is a slow beginner trying to make sense of myself and how I can relate and live with others.

Dad's pillow case

I was cleaning up the recently evacuated spare room, and on the bookshelf I saw a box I've not seen or touched for many months.

It's a box with inside a light green pillow case, the very pillow case dad had slept on just before he passed away. I opened it, and gave it a sniff... That scent, is it still as I remember it, that smell I have when my hair is a little greasy having not washed it for a day or two? Or perhaps my longing and missing is playing tricks on my memory and smell sensation...

I peeked inside the box, but dared not open the wrapping around the pillow case. I'm afraid to see the strands of hair dad lost, afraid to see a blood stain he made in those final days...

Quietly I put the box away, till another day when I feel up to opening it, and opening up my memories...

By the river

Feeling down, weighed down by news of my ex-flatmate's continuing rumour-spreading, I jumped on my bike and biked toward the river.

It's windy, cold, not quiet yet Spring, but already the land and the river is awake from Winter's deep sleep. I had a sudden urge to call my mum, so I called her.

"listen to the water, mum," I said, " when you come, I want to take you here..." somehow that was an emotional moment, one that made my heart ache a little , and my eyes water.

There was a strong strong wind, chilling on my cheeks, roaring through the as-yet bare trees and wild waves...