Bright eyes...

Suddenly as soon as the music sounded in the room and the words flashed across the screen, I began to tear.I have not cried since my return from Taiwan, since I bid farewell to my mum, my dad a month ago...

Is it a kind of dream,
Floating out on the tide,
Following the river of death downstream?
Oh, is it a dream?

There's a fog along the horizon,
A strange glow in the sky,
And nobody seems to know where you go,
And what does it mean?
Oh, is it a dream...?

It's just a song. Just words, sentiments, sounds, notes, just the softness of an artist's voice, just the emotions evoked by vibrating chords on a guitar... Yet they mean so much more to my ears, so much more to my weary, weary heart and soul. A word, a sign, a song, a smell, a taste, a picture, a thought, a memory... everything and anything could cause the false sense of "I'm-over-it" to completely crumble and drive my mind and mood to experience such intense pain and loneliness...

Bright eyes,
Burning like fire.
Bright eyes,
How can you close and fail
How can the light that burned so brightly
Suddenly burn so pale?
Bright eyes.  

I saw my mum's eyes before me suddenly... eyes that once were so bright, so filled with love slowly fade as signs of her life waned and faded... Those soft, loving eyes that looked at me with such love and affection, that looked at me with such motherliness and unconditional care. Where could I find such a glance again? How can such bright eyes suddenly fade and become so eyes? How can the eyes of the mother I grew up imagining would watch me grow up and grow older, watch me graduate and settle down to found a family, so suddenly "close and fail..."?

Just as you think things are ok and life is back to "normal" again, just as you believe you can "move on", the sadness and the pain that is so deep and so personal comes back to remind you you are still vulnerable, you are still so very vulnerable and need to heal... "You don't move on from it, you move forward with it", I heard some one on the radio say the other day.

Move forward with it... move forward with it in the hope that one day, one day, the load will lighten, and that my eyes that "burn so pale" and are dampened with tears  will again "burn so brightly"...












Is it a kind of shadow,
Reaching into the night,
Wandering over the hills unseen,
Or is it a dream?

Two sided

I am always surprised how two sided people can be, and more and more I see it around me. Was I naive before, and did I for too long refuse to see the "real" face of people? Did I cling too long onto the idea that everyone is innately good and kind and selfless?

At work, a series of events over the past year or so have made me so tired and cautious at work. People stepping over one another to get recognition... people bickering and feuding privately, yet openly and publicly maintaining this charade of being the best of friends... mud-slinging and bad-mouthing when someone is not around, and yet praising and boot-licking when the person appears... the hypocrisy, double standards, the pride and prejudices, the "daggers behind smiles" can be sometimes nauseating. But this is every day life... every day politics at work, amongst colleagues and "friends".
 
And it is ugly. Uglier yet when people you held such respect for could in favour of money, fame, glory, respect, shed their lofty academic credentials and titles and become such petty people. It just shows, we are all human after all, and titles, degrees, number of books written do not make a person better. In any way.
 




They say as you grow older you become disillusioned with life, you begin lose hope and lose faith in the world and in people. They say that. But somehow I still want to believe people are not inherently selfish; people are just ignorant and unaware. I still want to somehow believe people are the way they are because of circumstances and their upbringing, experiences and surroundings.

But with all that's going on at work, it just makes me want to move on and move away at the earliest opportunity. 

Family

I received a census in my email and began filling it in. There were questions about my family, my background, my childhood (even very personal questions about abuse experiences as a child...). And there were questions about whether I want to have a family.

Yes, I do. I haven't thought about it for a long time, not since last year, but it's always been at the back of my mind. The reason why I've not thought about it is simply this: you can't have a family being single, and for now, for too long, there's just no longer any potential to start anything. The closest family I have now, at least in the immediate surroundings, is my cat. And perhaps my collection of stuffed animals. My brother and his family are family too... But they are too far away, and in many ways since he got married two years ago he started his own family, one with a lovely and lively one-and-half year old.

I look at pictures of my nephew an am often filled with envy and longing. Sure, behind the cute poses and laughters must be a long of frustrations and exhaustion  ( having and raising a child is not easy...) but the beautiful moments together, family time, dinner together, coming home to a child wanting for you, watching the child grow up, take his/her first steps, speak the first words, bike, go to school for the first time and so on and so on... Those are moments and experiences that are so precious. Precious in part because they provide you with the opportunity to relive what you experienced earlier on in life.

Mum dying and leaving this world last year made me long more for the idea of starting my own family. When you begin to lose something, you long for it even more. losing mum was a final break in the disintegration of the idea and feel of family, and I knew it. Hence the hurt and paralyzing disbelief and lingering pain when my ex made all these promises that with time became more like words to placate me in a time of desperation and longing for hope.

But that's all in the past now... Or is it? 

My ex called and we spoke last night ( he calls almost every night... Strange, yes.) and somehow we got onto the topic of babies and children. (Must have been triggered by the news of the birth of the latest heir to the British crown) He and I both want to have kids. For a few minutes we talked about how wonderful it would be, about how many children we like to have. It felt familiar, felt comforting. Felt at the same time also like a dangerous trap. 

Maybe for him, it's just wishes and dreams he's sharing with a friend, an ex. For me, talk like this with him just conjures up memories of dreams we once shared together, and raises hope and wishes that in the end will end up hurting me and hindering my progress to moving on and being less attached to him and to what we once had. Maybe to another person it's just all talk, but to me, a dreamy Pisces who is gullible and so easily lead on, talk of babies and family  means so much more... 

I wish I were not like this. I wish I did not feel like this, I wish I were not so vulnerable and easily swayed by talk of family, a beautiful family and a future filled with love and security, stability and the comfort of not being alone... But this is the way I am. Take me as I am.

Restlessness

It's a little after 5AM. I have been waking up almost every single hour, partly because the day's been restlessly running around. And these days, especially after the close call of having my bike stolen in front of my own door step,  every little noise at night keeps up awake and on edge.

What's wrong with me? Why can't I sleep? I had such "good" productive day yesterday, went in early to work and left after 7pm to go home and eat before working a bit more before sleep. 

But I couldn't sleep... Not until well after 1AM... It's going be a long exhausting day...

1.53AM

I fell asleep early, abnormally early. Half a day of spent listening to friends about issues affecting their relationship is so draining. I was so exhausted, so exhausted when I came home and collapsed into bed...

I dreamed...

Ghosts. Terrible and horrific haunting Images of ghosts and ghouls that frightened me so. I broke out in a sweat and opened my eyes. Only close to two in the morning. I was so scared... And I got paranoid. My mind conjured images of burglar, of someone trying to break in in the dead of the night. 

I heard creaks and noises. Is someone here? Am I alone?

I'm so frightened. So frightened...

In between

Why do relationships break down? Why do people who loved one another once become so estranged? Why do people who once was so filled with love and hope become disillusioned and bitter?

I will never really know or understand why. With the death of my parents, I came to the conclusion that if people really experienced death and ever really saw it take away a loved one, then they would not fight or bicker or be filled with so much ego and pride. If people really understood death and fragility of life, perhaps they would truly treasure and realise the real meaning of love, and really see how magical it is to find someone you love and think of so dearly...

My own experience with love and relationship has been so fraught with dashed hopes and broken dreams. As a child, I prayed and prayed so hard for peace in the family, I hoped and wished and promised god (whoever he was or whatever he meant to me at the time...) that I would give my own life for my parents not to argue and to make up. I hated being in between, hated being the bridge. And it seems once you are in that role, it is hard to get out of it.



Again, I find myself caught in the middle of something between two friends. What can I do? What can I say? I never wished to be involved in the breakdown of a relationship... heck, I am longing and dreaming every night and day to be in a relationship myself. But it seems I am on the outside hoping for peace while in front of me, all around  me, relationships break down and love turns to bitterness and anger.



One day, I maybe will understand why.
One day, maybe I will stop believing that love and peace can cure all ills in the world.