Everybody hurts

Everybody hurts

All the things unsaid, all the feelings unexpressed. All the hurt behind smiles, all the tears locked behind the grins.

Why are we torturing ourselves, and one another, over the past, over what cannot be undone, cannot be unsaid? Feelings that stubbornly will not subside... Sense of guilt and responsibility, attachment and that make it all so  complicated. Or do we make it all complicated? It is perhaps what we do best. 

 There was such beauty in our relationship, between my friend and i, there was such seemingly boundless opportunities to grow and develop together... But there too was something beautiful in a parallel love that was just beginning to develop. One bloomed, but one was still in the bud, waiting, ever waiting and ever curious to blossom, sheltered from the elements that would let it all flower. And everything just came crashing, tumbling down. In the end there is nothing. No one has anything.  Nothing. Nothing.

No one person is to blame, but no one is wholly clean and innocent. I know I have hurt people, I know I have held back and hurt my friend, turned him away when he wanted me most. And perhaps the confusion, the pain is the punishment, and hence the tears, the incessant flow of tears...

All the things unsaid, all the pain hidden and tightly kept. In the end, everybody hurts, inside.

...back in Europe

When I spoke to mum a few days ago, she expressed to me how much she missed home. She was sparing in the details, but I could detect that she was no happy staying with my brother.

Today I called, and it was my brother who picked up the phone. After a bit of small talk, he out of nowhere asked me what was wrong with mum.

I was surprised. How am I supposed to know, especially as I've not seen her or been living with her for the last three weeks or so. My brother said she has been staying in her room, only coming out if necessary, and she stays out of the house, has her meals out, and does not seem to interact much with them.

How disappointed I was to hear that, especially I had hopes that mum could spend some quality time bonding with my brother and my sister-in-law. Yet, somehow relations seem to have soured, and brother does not know why. And I don't know why either, though I can suspect a few reasons why...

Even before going over to Europe, mum had already expressed reservations about staying long with them in their home. Last year, during a visit to my brother's, things completely broke down, because mum felt very unwelcome there. A lot of it comes down to money, and she was made to feel as if her presence was a financial burden on him. I can only suspect that this is perhaps the same issue, the same dead horse that has been revived and is being beaten again this time around.

I told him please just go and see what is wrong, if anything. What is the reason behind her silence? What is the reason for her being out all day and not wanting to be home? Talk to her, I said, open up to her, express your feelings, let her express her feelings and frustrations, if there are indeed any.

"Treasure the moments you have together," I advised him, especially as there are now only two days left till she leaves. "We don't know if she will come visit again," I said. And I think he understood what that meant, or is meant to mean.

I did not manage to speak to mum on this occasion, even though it was only a little past nine in the evening. Brother had no idea what she was doing, only that she was in her room. As soon as I hung up the phone, I wondered to myself how it had come to this. How can mum feel so estranged, so alienated about staying with my brother and my sister-in-law? I know mum can perhaps be a difficult person, and especially after her illness her temper has changed. She has become depressed, perhaps forlorn, and I can imagine perhaps very scared and confused about her condition, about abandonment and dying... Perhaps with brother and his wife, she feels like she has no longer a role to play, for that has been substituted. And perhaps, having spent time with me, and now with brother, she feels or realises that she really does not belong any where, that she cannot go and just live with either of her sons. None of this, if anything of this is really what she is feeling or thinking, is good for her health or state of mind.

These are just what I imagine may be going through her mind... the fears, the disappointments, the realisations of a mother visiting a child who has built up his own home.

I wish I could speak to mum more, in person, and understand what has been troubling her. Of course, there is very little I can do, for I do not fully understand what has made her turn inwards and (as brother put it) hide herself in her room a lot. I just wish that with the two days remaining, she will come out, and interact more with brother and his wife, and that mum can go home with good memories of her time together with them.

Talk

It was never a going to be an easy conversation, we both knew it. We have both been dragging our feet and not wanting to face it. Perhaps we feared the conversation may lead to the end of things... The end of all the comfortable and familiar relationship we have grown into over the last two years. Or perhaps we feared things were going to change fundamental between us, and perhaps neither is not willing to let go yet, just yet.

But talk we did today, after sleeping next to one another. It began over breakfast... He made a comment about how at one point in time I had said that I could imagine myself staying at home while my partner goes out to work to support the household. Yes, I did say that, but I think it was jesteringly, as a joke, for I never have really imagined myself doing nothing and just sitting at home like a house"wife" waiting for the "man" to return from work. Even so, that flippant remark and attempt at a joke triggered alarm bells on my friend's side back at the end of April, and together with compilations we have had since the start of our relationship, things just went downhill till our eventual breakup.

I was surprised to hear and know that what I blurted out had affected his opinion of me, and of our possible future together, so much. But deep down, I knew it was true. To the outside world, the last two, three years I have really slowed down. My life, my hopes and dreams seem to have ground to a halt. I live from day to day, without much purpose it seems, eating, sleeping, defecating, and occasionally reading and blogging, and traveling. But what can I really say I have accomplished? career-wise, I am lost. Academically, I am stuck in a grove trying to dig myself and find my way out. What have I really done that I can be proud of...?

I feel it myself, I feel the energy levels, the enthusiasm for life, for work, for happy, for exploring and discovering things has somehow just escaped me. Where was that hardworking boy I once knew who had such fascination for life and for the pains and struggles and injustices of this world? Where did that all go?

It is all to easy, I know, to point to what has been troubling me and weighed me down. Dad's death, loss of dear friends, the cancer of having to deal with mum's recurring illness and the uncertainties of mum's condition... The looming spectre of loss, and being alone in the world when mum takes her final farewell... It is all a lot to take... But is it all a "good enough excuse" to slow down, to grind to a halt and be an underachiever...?I ask myself, torment myself and kick myself when I look back and see how little I have accomplished. Little did I know it would be a reason why my friend broke off our relationship...

I want to pick myself up again... I want to live, with passion, work with determination and eager. To discover, to achieve, to strive and to live! I want that more than anything now...



My friend then said that after all the complications of the past couple of months, he is lost and confused as to what he wants (as am I). Why is he so attached to the boy he met, why is he not willing to let that go yet? I cannot understand, and perhaps he cannot either. I probably can not give my friend what he received from the other person in the short period of time they were together. And he cannot know now, because I broke apart that chance, I soured that opportunity, and it will take time to uncover, or perhaps bury, that couriosity or even fascination of being and getting to know someone new and exciting.

But at least now I understand more... about his hesitations towards "us", because of our complicated past, about the resentment he felt toward me for suddenly turning around and breaking apart a relationship that was budding back in December with the boy he met and dated... I understood more why we are broken apart ... I have been perhaps too clingy, too needy, and for my friend who had just come out of a long term relationship, that was too much to handle. However much he cares for me (or loves me?), he cannot at this moment enter another relationship and commit.
 
So we are in the situation where we are now... not quite lovers, but not just friends... not just friends with "special benefits", but not quite two people who are in a committed relationship with one another. I failed to declare my feelings for him at the time when he was chasing after me with such passion and vigour, and how insensitive it was to suddenly turn around and want to be with him at a time when he was just getting over me after my rejections over the course of two years. Nobody is at fault, but nobody is completely guiltless either...

We have had many conversations, many teary nights how we ended up where we are... Where are we headed? Neither of us is sure. Are we going to be together, in a loving, strong relationship where there is no doubt, no questions, just commitment and wanting one another? We do not know, I do not know. I can foresee it happening... He said he can foresee it happening too. But now is not the time... Despite the comfort of being in one another's arms, despite the special feeling of feeling the warmth of one another's hand, despite the woozy feeling of smelling each other's body and lying next to one another, despite the deep heart-to-heart conversations and flippant remarks and insider jokes we can play on one another, now is not the time to be together. If that time will come, or when that time will ever come, nobody knows... Nobody knows... Perhaps our fate is only so much, our connection is only so deep, only so lasting, but not ever lasting.

But it is the way it is, things are the way they are, feelings are the way they are. It is as I suspected and guessed, but it was good to have it confirmed after our deep heart-to-heart talk to uncover our feelings for one another. What more can you want? What more can I ask? 

For now, he is the only person in the world who has been able to touch me, move me, and sway me off my feet. We will always be special to one another... always have those beautiful, beautiful memories together that no one can ever take away... Love developed between us, slowly (and perhaps haltingly). That love was jeopardised, that love may have subsided and waned, but the friendship remains...

We are, and always have been, friends first and foremost.

gift

We decided today to go cycling, a long, long bike ride, which we have not done for a long time. So together with my friend, we hopped on our bikes and pedalled hard.

The weather was wonderful, not too hot or humid, and if it weren't for the wind, it would have been perfect for going at high speeds, which we both enjoy so much on our two wheeler. I had just fixed up both bikes using tools and with help from a bike collective at uni, and the bikes rode incredibly smoothly.

One thing I thoroughly love doing with my friend is just biking. Barely two years ago, he had not been on a bike for years, but as soon as I reintroduced to him how convenient and free it feels on a bike, he was hooked, and ever since we've gone on many long rides together. It really is something that brings us together, and that sense of achievement seeing how fast and how far we've pedalled, and giving each other high fives, really is such a simple fun an joy.

We found a nice secluded quay an just lay down next to one another under the afternoon sun. I called my mum, and chatted about how she was doing with my brother in Europe.

She sounded disappointed, though she was sparing on the details. I could guess what went 'wrong', but I told her that on a few more days she will be gone and back in the comfort of her own home.

Sometime ago, my friend was in Korea, and has asked me specifically what to buy for mum. I didn't want him to spend too much money and to go through too much trouble, but he did anyways. Mum told me that she just received the gift package- ginseng tablets. Not just any type. My friend had gone through the trouble of asking around and buying something that is specifically for cancer patients, as mum told me there was a special ingredient in the tablet which is effective in battling the spread of cancer.

When I heard that, I was so touched, so very touched... My friend was next to me, and immediately I leaned over to stroke his arm and whisper " thank you, thank you" in his ears. After I finished talking to mum, I gave him many big hugs, and again and again I thanked him for the wonderful and very meaningful gift...

Later on i would say many mor " thank yous" to my friend... But how could I really make him feel how I feel deep inside? The gift, and the fact that it's something that can help combat mum's illness, means so very much to me, especially as the gift is for the most important person in my life...

I don't know if my friend realised how special that is, and I cannot imagine what trouble he went through to get that special gift into my mum's hands. But really, I was and am still very touched when I just think about it...2

first concert

They say the first time is the most memorable, and it's true. It was, as the evening drew to a close and as my friend joke, "orgasmic" with all those lights, the fans, the music, and the highlight of the singing and dancing live on stage.

I was invited to go to the concert a few weeks ago, and at first i wasn't too enthusiastic about it. There were some complications (or perhaps I was making it feel as such...) about who's going and whatnot. Plus, I feel I've been spending far too much money, especially after seeing my credit atrocious card bills after mum left... And, though I may know the tunes and songs when I hear them, I've never been someone who goes out to buy an album of any singer in particular, so I feel kind of left out when it comes to who sings what and what the chart topping hits are.

But that all didn't matter much in the end. A pop concert is in the End much like an evening at the theatre or musical, except the entire act revolves around a star, and in this case Janet Jackson. She sang various songs from her best selling number ones, some of which were from before I was even born, but some songs of which everytime I hear on the radio can easily make my heart swoon and at times eyes moisten.

During the concert, there were moments we all stood and danced and clapped our hands to the beat. And then there was this slow, romantic interlude in between, with songs that spoke more meaningfully to me than ever before... Broken hearts, deep longings, lost love, and dreams of togetherness with the one again... I don't know what my friend felt, but sitting next to him, and at times gently, subtly stroking his hand and body, it felt bitter and sweet, romantic and, at the same time, there were feelings that were strange or even misplaced.

When Janet did a quick, upbeat rendition of "Together Again" I could not but feel for her, and myself. Images of her brother flashed on the screen behind her, and despite the cheeriness of the music, the gleeful dance movements, it is such a personal song...



"Everywhere I go
Every smile I see
I know you are there
Smiling back at me

Dancing in the moonlight
I know you are free
Cuz I can see your star
Shining down on me"

Personal for different reasons... For her, she dedicated the song originally to a friend she lost to AiDS, but after her brother's sudden death, it must have gotten new meaning.

I wiped away my tears as my memories drifted uncontrollably to dad's smile, smiling down at me from up above... The music, the dancing, the cheering and close of the crowd did not easily distract from the emptiness I temporarily felt inside.

My friend comforted me and I felt better after a late night snack and lighthearted chat.

But it was an evening to remember, for sure.

Ghost Month

It's that time of the year again. When the Gates of Hell open, and when the ghosts and spirits of our ancestors come out to 'play'.

Speaking to mum today, she said dad appeared in her dream last night. Only when she checked the date in the morning did she realise that today was the first day of the "Seventh Month". It had been a long time since she last dreamed of dad. Though details are vague, as she could not remember them, she said she spoke to dad as if she were sitting right next to him. Dad asked about how we were doing, and mum replied that we were doing well. "The children are well," she said-- something she can attest to after visiting me and now staying with my brother.

Is it true, pure superstition or complete nonsense... I do not know. But hearing mum talk of dad reminded me again how long it has been since I lost him. I tried to picture his face, picture his figure and how dad looked like in the dream while he was conversing with mum. Whether he 'appeared' or not does not really matter... It left an impression on mum, perhaps even made me nostalgic and left her full of longing. It left an impression on me, even though I only heard about it.

The dream seems to say that he still cares deeply about our wellbeing, and that is something extremely moving and personal... something, as I am recounting and writing about now, moistens my eyes...

Yes, dad, we are doing fine...  Brother is having a son soon, and he is now settled with his wife... Mum is alright, despite the aches that are returning to bother her, despite the loneliness she may feel... And I am relatively well... I may be confused, I may be emotionally troubled, but I am healthy, and I am trying my best to finish off my studies and begin my life... Yes, dad, we are doing fine.

From my heart, I really hope you are fine too... Please take good care...

Sights and sounds

I walked into my bedroom in the evening, and made my bed. Messy after the morning I had spent with my friend, and unmade as I left the house in a hurry to meet friends and enjoy the beautiful day. In the room lingered a scent, his scent, and upon closer sniffing of the pillow cover and the duvet, was the smell of his hair, his body.

The past few days we have spent almost constantly together. It was the first time we saw more each other and had most time together for the last two months or so, at least since we broke up in May. We laughed, we joked and poked (fun at) one another, we remembered happy times together, we cherished one another's company. We cycled, trailing behind one another at great speeds, trying to play catch with one another till we come to a stop and pant and high-five one another for the great exhilarating exercise and distance we have just done. We slept together, cuddled and kissed, had beautiful, intimate moments. It all feels so good, and so familiar. It feels like there is nothing wrong, that we are just a happy couple enjoying the warmth and comfort we provide one another.

But we both know, deep down, there is something amiss. Perhaps we are both avoiding the conversation, trying not to let the deep, painful and perhaps difficult conversation ruin the beautiful moments we can create and share with one another.

As much I enjoy his company, at the end of the day, I ask, consciously or subconsciously, willingly or not, how long this can go on. Should I even be asking? Should I not just let things be, let nature and fun run its course? Does it matter what we are, what label we apply to ourselves and our relationship? We both know it is special, strong and filled with the ups and downs that two people being together can have. Perhaps that is enough to know, and it is not necessary to question, analyse and explain. It is ok to be this way... to just be... to wink at one another seductively, to be playful, to be naughty (in different senses of the word), to flirt and to stroke the other person's body softly, gently, caringly... it is ok to be this way.

But is it right?

Pride weekend

As with any pride event, the the Village this weekend was filled with crowded bars, pink decorations flying rainbow flags, drag queens and flamboyant gays. It was nice to experience, especially this open air dance and singing show, the music and the atmosphere, and it was wonderful bonding with friends and generally having a good time.

But, like every year, there gets to a point where I'm just bored or even tired of the 'scene'. , Of course, there is the beautiful part of it, where couples come out holding hands, kissing, hugging and proud of their love for one another. But there is also this sense of competition, this veneer of  overly sexualised energies. People strut down the streets, wearing flashy clothes, some bare chested showing off their package, all wanting to capture some kind of attention. And people point and stare and comment... how this body or that body is so wonderful, so perfect, how hideous or gorgeous the clothes are on a person. Looks, shoes, hairdoes, skin complexion, face and figure are all scrutinised and judged.

Of course, I do it too for I am not free from judgment and making up an opinion just based from what I see, and I make snide comments here and there. But it makes me wonder: is this  a gay thing, or just being human? Does the community, because it is a minority and because there are so few of us, thrive on competition to be the most magnificent, glamourous, beautiful, and worship only the outer beauty and the young?As ever, I feel disenchanted, isolated and do not really feel I can identify with the gay stereotype that is portrayed and perpetuated by the media, and in a way, by the community itself: the attention-hungry, loud, flamboyant, promiscuous, fashionable, beautiful gay man.

After all the partying, drinking, and judging is over and done with, we all go home, we leave the Village, and return to our lives. Some leave with someone (else) in their arms, others head home alone.  What was it all about again?

To write or not to write

This has been on my mind for some time. To write or not to write, that is the question.

I started this blog five years ago (already five years...!) to jot down my thoughts and my experiences of the world.

It is like a personal diary, but public.
 It is my confidante, but open.
 It is like my closest friend, but made up of words (and sometimes pictures) that come from me.

I began this personal blog, mainly because my first blog I had shared with friends and family. At some point, I was beginning to be asked questions about my blog, and at times it had been used as a source of gossip or talk, which made me uncomfortable writing. The solution was to start an alternative blog and shy away from all the attention or negative remarks.

And now I find myself in a similar situation with my closest friend who constantly reads this blog. At times, if my writing sounds melancholic or sad, he would call or visit to comfort me. This is something  I greatly  appreciate and cherish. But at times, when I write things that are of direct concern or relate to him, he would want to talk to me about it, which makes me feel uncomfortable, in a way having to justify my thoughts and feelings, when I cannot.

So the other day, he read something which he found had painted him in a bad light. We talked about it, and I realised perhaps it did unfairly portray him, and I apologised for it. But again, afterwards I felt kind of unsure what I should do: keep on writing, keep on sharing my thoughts and getting my feelings down, or bottle them all in side. Or perhaps I should find an alternative source of outlet?

I want to, I need to keep on writing, right here... this is my way of releasing my fears, my experiences. This blog is my way for me to look back and retrace where I have come from, where I have been, how much I have grown (or stepped back) over time. And this is, as the web-address suggests, the "alternative" side of my life: a source, a means and an end where I can be frank, honest and not feel like I have anything to hide.


Perhaps... no, it can only be a fact that this blog is biased and personal, because it exists for the very purpose of recording all the personal experiences and views I have on this world. This blog is my life and my interactions with the rest of the world laid out bare, and perhaps in doing so I should not fear the consequences of my words and my thoughts (provided of course, people and experiences are not written about maliciously or made up), even if it makes someone, especially a close friend, uncomfortable or feel criticised.

I write, and I hope I do so with responsibility, in the sense that I hope I don't overly paint people or experiences in a bad or overly biased light. Perhaps this blog is a useless running monologue of a depressed and lost  tweenager trying to find his way in life. Perhaps this blog is not worth the bytes of storage space and pixels on the screen. Perhaps I should be careful and not be so frank about sharing my deepest thoughts and feelings with everyone.

But to me, this blog is important and personal, and it is my life.