Tears

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We hugged in the middle of the street. She cried, and I cried. I alway thought her as a strong girl, an strong outgoing and confident girl, but she was shedding tears. For me, because of me. I cried more...

All the years we've known one another, she has been supportive in many ways. She always manages to bring a smile to my face, her parents were such darlings to me when I visited them. And here she was crying with me as we said goodbye.

"You are so inspirational. You're so strong..." she said, "You are a good son, and it is reflective of your mother."
Her words made me cry more.

I hugged her, kissed her, and she kissed me. There is so much I wanted to say to her, and to her parents, for they have been so supportive ad encouraging. I did not have the words, only deep, deep gratitude.

"I look forward to visiting you and your parents again when this is over..." I said. It is another thing I want to do to help me recover, to help me find myself and be strong again after everything is all over. I know I need it. I know I need friends and trips and things to look forward to when things come to a close.

She told me again I am always welcome, and that I need not hesitate to call or write whenever. I hugged her again. The hugs said so much with so little. Love, compassion, understanding, "Mitleid" (German for "suffering with" someone, or loosely translated as sympathy/empathy), "medeleven" (Dutch word for "living with" someone, again a term for which there is no english equivalent...).

"Thank you... Thank you for so much..." I said.

"Shush! We are all here for you..."

And that means so much to me.
That means the world to me, and means that there is a life after death...

Graduation

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It still has to sink in what it all means. What holding this piece of paper (degree), what being a graduate really means.

I was just dazed today. Dazed and lost and emotional. So many people were there with me, so many stood by my side and congratulated me. But I was so "out of it", so lost at moments all the speeches that were made, all the pomp and ceremony, all the congratulatory words that were said just washed over me and did not register...

I appreciate so much how people made special plans just to be with me. How they went to all the effort to take time off, to journey here and to get dressed just to be able to stand with me and hug me, to hold me, to tell me how hard I've worked and how courageous I have been despite all odds.

I appreciate it all greatly, really I do. My ex took his first day ever off of work to be here. A friend, a classmate from the same year I began, took several days off to celebrate. Another friend pre-poned her return to Canada just to attend my graduation. Another traveled especially to Montreal just for one day to attend my graduation, before she had to fly back to London (UK) the very next day...

These are such grand gestures I did not feel I deserve, and they are true signs of how much the friends mean to me, and I guess also how much I seem to mean to them.

But I sat there today in the auditorium and was overcome with sadness. The valedictorian gave a speech about being grateful to family, friends and pets for our achievements. I am, but how I so wish mum were by my side to see all of this... To see me walk up on stage and see me in a split moment of honour and glory... I teared a couple of times during the ceremony. And that split second when my name was called I was not there. I was like a zombie walking across the stage, a zombie trying to force a smile, trying to be happy. I'm not sure anyone noticed. But the pictures that a friend took of me sitting there waiting for my name to be called certainly did...

Graduation day

I called mum. It was one in the morning, one in the afternoon for her. I saw her, she saw me. She looked so thin, and her hair looked somehow as if it had thinned. She looked so ill, so scary, so weak. Her lips moved up and down like fish, as if she were gasping for air. Whatever she looks like, she is my mother, my ex reminded me.

She mumbled something. I could not hear her. She moved her thin arm slowly, and her thin, thin fingers seemed to rub her eyes. She probably had idea I could see her, see her every move.

"I've never once made it to your graduation..." she said again. "Not once..."

"It's just a ceremony..." I said, though my heart wrenched terribly inside.

How I wish mum could be with her, how I wish my family could be with me. I am so fortunate to be surrounded by friends who love me and care about me, who have journeyed from various far away places just to see me and just to be with me on this special day... But I miss my family. I wish I could walk down that podium tomorrow and walk into mum's arms, and whisper to her: "This is for you, dear mother... This is for you..."

Mum turned away and curled up in a foetal position. "I am tired..." she said. Her eyes were wide open, she looked so small, so fragile, so much like a little child. Like a little child I so want to protect and keep away from harm...

"Take care," I said, "Sleep well..."

I waited till brother hung up the phone. But even with the darkened screen of the computer, the image of mum lying there, curled up, thin to the bone and with wide open eyes bulging out o her sockets, stayed with me and haunted me. The tears waited till brother hung up the phone, and then they fell.

Flying home

I was already awake, but too tired to get up and start the day. My phone rang. It was my brother.

I had waited for him to call till two in the morning. The fatigue brought me to sleep. Half past eight he rang and talked about the day and visit of the hospice carer and family doctor. "It's time..." they said. Time to enter hospice care. She is now on the waitlist for a room.

Brother kept on saying it's not yet that serious, and told me to stay put. But really what does it mean to enter the hospice ward?

I know, some people go in and ate discharged home a week or two later. But some never make it out.

Brother talked more about arrangements. At this stage, a close friend of mum's suggested looking at a place where we can place her altar foe the period from her passing to her funeral. Brother mentioned more about insurance payouts and inheritance. I listened, but not much of it registered. I know it is important, but it's just money, right? Money... Money.

I proceeded to book a ticket, flying out Sunday (four days from now). I hesitated to buy a ticket, hesitated and shopped around for a convenient flight that would allow me to fly with an upgrade on the long journey back to Taiwan (and back here, eventually). I know, how can I even think of luxury (and collecting air miles) at this point? But I think I really need it, I really need it to prepare myself mentally for the journey.

It will be a long trip, lasting a day and a half, and I should get there on Tuesday afternoon local time. Brother told me to wait a few more days till I buy a ticket, but I cannot wait. I want to know when I'm going back, I want to have the security of a ticket...

Things may change, circumstances may deteriorate, but at least now there is a date and a time...

Job offer

I am very fortunate. Barely have I graduated and I got a job offer. It's not a full time position, but it suits me well as my life is in flux right now and I have difficulty committing to something that requires me to be around constantly.

The offer is to take over the position of editor of the prestigious journal that my research institute publishes. it'll be a challenge running the logistics of reviewing and editing a publication, but it is a much respected position that wil definitely give me a footing in the academic world.

They proposed the position to me two weeks ago, and I was thrilled. Even so, I was doubting my capabilities because it seems to be such an academic endeavour and I'm not really sure I've got what it takes. But my colleagues and the incumbent editor assured me I'm more qualified than most people, even those who are currently doing a doctorate degree. More qualified and more reliable too. I was touched and surprised by the confidence they have in me. There are details to be finalised, and subject to final approval by director if the institute, but it should be no problem.

I told mum, and she was happy for me. It is important to let her know that I have something waiting for me and that she does not have to worry much. Because she really doesn't. I have been always so fortunate wherever I do, and wherever I go. And this new job offer confirms that.

Day before graduation

It's so easy to be distracted and not to think of home and what is happening at home. It is so easy to "hang around" with friends and just be lost in pleasure and smiles, just to forget mum is at the hospice ward.

Three more days, and I will know what it feels like to have "escaped" and to have been away from the realities of mum's current state...

Circus night

I saw the promotion yesterday and immediately had the urge to go. again, because of mum, as strange as it may sound. She and I went to Cirque du Soleil (Totem) around this time last year. I promised her to do that in Quebec, the home base of the amazing acrobatic troupe. And I lived up to that promise.

I called mum half way through the show and excitedly told her about where I was. "Oh, it's really cultured..." she said. I know she has fond memories of the show. The first time she saw it was with me in Taipei. The second time was with me, right here, right at the same location in Montreal, a year (or so) ago.

The show was spectacular, the performance elegant and performers beautiful. But my mind was filled with thoughts... Me flying, me waiting at te airport, the fear of not making it home on time, me at the hospital, mum sleeping and opening her eyes only briefly every few hours... So many thoughts and distractions...

After the show I saw several missed calls from brother. I called back.

"We're heading into the hospice ward now..." he said "There's a bed available."

My heart sank and felt so heavy. Earlier when I spoke to mum, she said she had troubled breathing and that her heartbeat was very weak. I told her to hang on. I told her that I'll be home Tuesday afternoon. She told me not to rush...

I hung up the phone. My friend was next to me. "It's not easy... You're so strong going through this. I can't imagine what you are feeling now..."

I cannot either.

Breakdown

I was talking on the phone with my ex. "I just hope she is not in too much pain..." he said.

"I hope so too... I hope so too..." I uttered.

"I wish I could give you  a big hug..." he said. And the tears just broke loose from my eyes. I had t cut short the conversation and just cry and whimper. I could not bear to speak to anyone. I had no words, and was so very tired, so hurting inside.

The whole evening I have been waiting for brother to call back, as he said he would. I called earlier in the evening to see how mum is doing. They were busy, as for the first time the hospice nurse and a doctor came around to check up on her. They are putting her in the queue for a bed at the hospice ward. They want to take her in for some IV drips. At the hospice ward...

I broke down, because I could not bear the thought of mum entering there. As I told my ex, "It is the first time she's going there. Maybe the only time..."

I cried for a while on my own while my cat nudged me and walked around my feet. It is her way of comforting me, I know it, I feel it.

Brother still has not called back, and I tried to call twice already but there was no response.

It will be a long night...

Leaving

We can have fun, we can enjoy each others company, we can lie next to one another, and yet there is always one thing between us. My ex is torn and conflicted.

The fragility of our 'relationship' was again unveiled last night, on the eve of my departure, when after a nice evening out, we came home and he said he needed to make a phone call. I went to take a shower. When I came out of the shower, he sat there and had this anxious look on his face.

I can imagine how he must be feeling. Having to pretend, having to perhaps lie and hide on the phone to his boyfriend, and having to face me. The awkwardness was not just felt by me. He felt it too.

He asked me what I was thinking. And i told him it's not nice to have a good few days and suddenly he has to go off and call. It just feels all too much like three years ago, when he was interested in me, interested in starting something with me, and yet still cannot get the courage to break it off with his ex.

He turned around and told me to take some responsibility. I should have foreseen this, I should have known how difficult it is for him to be spending time with me while he is still officially with someone else.

I take responsibility for visiting him, for lying next to him, for sleeping with him. But I will not take responsibility for the situation he is in. He knew already back at the end of February how he feels, truly feels, about me. He declared his feelings for me, he said he did not have want he wanted or needed. I distanced myself from him purposely to give him time and space to deal with whatever he needs to deal with, but it was not enough apparently. He said it was unfair of me to just suddenly drop a postcard and "summon" him to meet at a place and at a time (I thought otherwise... I thought it was romantic and so very special...) He said it's unfair of me to ignore him for so long and not to say explicitly what I want. But is it not clear what i want when the last two weekends I have taken the effort to drop everything and just go and see him?

He wants me to take responsibility, to talk to him and somehow be involved with his breakup (if that is truly what he wants). His reasoning is because he's doing this to be with me.

But truly, I fail to see what role I can play in a relationship he started on his own, a relationship I've tried so hard not to intervene in or get in the way of. He just does not want to feel guilty or take the full responsibility for having to break someone's heart. He just does not have the guts to open his mouth and break up, and he asks me to be there to support him.

In what capacity I don't know. How can I be there and talk to him about what he should do, when he could one day turn back and say to me "I did this all for you! You forced me into breaking up! You were telling me all these things!"?

This entire episode is very telling o what kind of a person my ex is, and it does nothing to quell my doubts and fears about getting back together with him. I sometimes really get the feeling he just does not want to face things, avoids them and wants people to be there to hold and comfort him, when really a lot of things are his own doing. He chose to breakup with me. He chose to start a relationship. He knew fully well a few months into the relationship, and perhaps even before the relationship, things would not work out in the long run. And yet he's not strong enough to let it go, to put an end to things. He's still making the other person believe there is something there, when at the same time making me believe there is a possible future.

There can be no future if he cannot deal with this very issue on his own. There cannot be a future if he cannot have a clean break from the past and really feels ready to move on.

Everything is in his hands now, as I said to him. But he seems to want to take my hand and hold it while he makes up his mind and gathers up his courage...

平安就是福

平安就是福


"Being safe and without mishap is a blessing" mum said. And she hung up the phone.

Fresh start?

Just as I thought it would be a fresh start, just as we're headed out to dinner, my ex says he has to call. To "report in" I guess.

Five minutes, he said, and told me to go ahead and wait and the restaurant. It's been over ten.

How did I get myself into this position again? How did I fall for the same guy who is already involved with another person? It feels like three years ago, when my ex had to "report in" to his ex back then, and had to sneak around and hide things, even though he was with me and having fun with me...

Sitting alone in the restaurant, waiting and waiting for him to show. I could jut leave, I should just leave. Around me are couples in love, couples holding one another's hands. I can't even comfortably do that with my ex...

How did I get myself into this? Why do I get myself into this? Do I never learn how humiliating and uncomfortable it is to be the "other person"?

Rush

Why do I put myself through this? There is no reason really. Why do you do anything? Why do you love someone or feel such an urge to see someone suddenly, even if it means waking up early and getting on a plane to go see him?

I know. Perhaps one day I'll regret it all. Perhaps I'm just under the spell of feelings and being manipulated into running back into his arms again. Perhaps my ex is stringing my heart and feelings and just trying to see where things are going before he breaks up his relationship. Perhaps I'm just too gullible to buy into his excuses and reasons...

But I just want so company, I just want some sense of familiarity and comfort. And more than anyone else in the world, he offers me that. He offers me that, and the possibility of a new start together... And that is worth going for, that is worth trying, is it not?

Unable to eat

I asked this question before: how long can a person last if she were unable to eat?

Brother said he has been trying to see if the hospital can send someone home to administer iv nutrients, because frankly what mum eats during the day is not enough to sustain her bodily needs.

"She told me again she wants to go to the hospital..." Which is something rare, for she detests hospitals. But perhaps she feels that she cannot go on for long without proper nutrition. "But don't worry, don't rush back here. It's not necessary..."

Moments later, mum came on the phone. She "complained" that calling twice a day is calling too often. I tried to joke that it's just breakfast and dinner. I don't call at lunch, because it's far too late for me given the time difference.

"I have so little 'meat' on my arse it hurts to sit long..." she complained. Those words seemed to slide over me, and I did not have a response. I was not sure what I could say that did not sound fake. And truth be told, I was rushing to catch a flight to go see my ex in a last-minute decision I made just a few hours earlier before I fell asleep.

"Nothin tastes the same anymore... I had some grapes and they tasted spicy," mum said. Spicy, as in the taste of chilly. How can something sweet taste like chilly?

"I did have a cup of fruit juice, which your brother made, and I finished it all. But I felt so bloated after that..."

I did not have a proper response to mum's complaints. What could I say? Really, what could I say? So very very little...

Evening with friends

Just laughing, joking, sharing stories and (s)escapades over glasses of wine and good food. It was a wonderful evening with friends, and for a couple of hours there seemed to be not a worry in the world. It is something I've so missed, something I've been long for. Something that makes me feel so young and alive and glad to have wonderful friends.

I know this is what I need to maintain. I know there will come a day when I come back here and I will need this kind of reminders of how life can be, of how life can go on after even the most difficult and traumatic of experiences...