The moon hung low on the horizon, almost sinking. Its face was swollen red, and half hidden in darkened shame.
I picked up some sand, and felt it between my fingers. Deciding it was dry enough, I gently sat myself down. As always, in a shy and isolated part of the beach, away from the crowd. But it actually offered the best view, as the barge drifted in the calm, calm sea to a position just directly in front of me. Most people somehow had the impression the fireworks were going to be on the other side of the pier.
It was empty, and there was a slight chill as the last light of day set. I sat there, cross-legged and let the sea breeze and sounds wash over me. Out of nowhere, a meteor shot across the sky... and vanished as soon as it appeared. A premonition of the show ahead, perhaps.
The anticipation was suspenseful, as the hands of my watch inched towards 11. Last week had been a big disappointment, as I arrived only to be told storm-like winds blew off the fireworks display. Just then, floodlights on the promenade unexpectedly dimmed, and the beach, normally so busy, loud and bright, seemed to suddenly silense.
A golden stream noiselessly soared into the sky. And exploded sending a loud bang echoing across the waves and the beach and countless sparks spiraling down to earth. More streams followed, and the fireworks display got underway.
For the next twenty minutes or so, I sat there awed and inspired by the dazzling colours and bangs, flashes and sparkles that at times seemed to bright the sky as light as day.The explosions were deafening, and the sound of the crowd cheering excitedly in the distance mingled with the cries of frightened babies. One by one, as each firework shot upwards and lived their short-existence, I could almost feel a rush through my veins, wanting even more, even bigger, even higher, hoping the next would over shadow the last. Huge balls of red, green and purple imploded in the sky, and sent thousands of golden stardust falling like rain into the sea that reflected it all like a mirror below.
Children as young as five, crying, praying, fainting together at the command of the preacher. Intense, shocking, emotional.
Children homeschooled and taught that there is no truer word than the word of Jesus, and that all you do in life, you should pray for his blessing, and repent for your sins.
Children indoctrinated by 'born-again' fundamentalists, and who believe that Christianity must take over the US, and who believe that Bush is on the right path to rooting out the evils of abortion, liberalism, homosexuality and anyone who is not like 'us'.
That's what Jesus Camp was about. A beautifully made Oscar nomination documentary about the lives and one summer camp of an evangelical children's group who are taught to be God's 'soldiers', and told to wage war against everyone who is not with them, and anyone who is against them. A message that is perhaps all too similar in the War on Terror.
I sat there in the little art-house cinema, disturbed, and shaking my head, but at times also bursting out in laughter at the absurdity of it all. I have no problem with religion... but taking and forcing it on young children and filling their vulnerable minds with black-and-white messages of sin and salvation, good and evil, them and us, Jesus and the devil is just psychological torture and traumatic on the upbringing of so many innocent children who may grow up trapped and confined to this narrow and closed-off world of God, gospel and prayer.
My friend sat next to me, and she too was shaking her head in disbelief, and was even at times horrified and embittered by what she saw. Religion can heal, can fill gaps in people's lives, but when taken to an extreme of fanaticism, it becomes pure propoganda and a drug to control and subdue people. It becomes a means to create senseless masses with no free will, with no freedom of dissent, and creates a whole hysteria based on blind faith and following.
And to think these kinds of people are governing and guiding the most powerful and supposedly freest and most affluent nation in the world is just baffling...
After the movie, my friend and I went for a drink. Hours just flew by. We just sat down and talked and talked and talked. First about the movie, sharing our ideas and thoughts, but eventually we went deeper, and started to share our lives and pasts.
It's refreshing to talk to someone, one-to-one, and amazing how you can get to know a person, and realise how people have so many similar fears and needs. It's like holding a mirror to yourself sometimes... and just listening and watching, while the image talks. You learn, but also 'teach', and in 'teaching' you learn. Sometimes it takes listening to just help someone. Offering a few simple nods, or a smile of sympathy, or a short but meaningful phrase like " I understand" goes a long, long way.
And then there are those beautiful moments, when you tell other how much they mean to you, how much they changed your life for the better, how much they've give you guidance and support. It sends shivers down your spine.... shivers of pleasantness, shivers you get only when you've found and treasure something so precious and close to heart. She admires me, and I look up to her... it's like we have this symbiotic relationship at this time and this moment. And that's a miraculous thing, in this great big world with so many people to just meet someone like that, some you can take from and is willing to give... someone you are willing to give to and who will take from knowing it's out of concern and 'love' or one another, and out of the purity of friendship. It's special, unique, like everything was meant to be.
We talked a lot about love and relationships. And one thing she told me very frankly, and that I never realise was this: am I really ready for a relationship?
I may be constantly longing for it, and constantly complaining about being lonely and alone, but it will come when the time is right. Perhaps it's just too early, and I'm not prepared at all. Perhaps all I want is to have that feeling given to me, but not really realising what 'love' or a relationship means.
If I were to have a relationship, would I not just completely and totally depend on that person and expect so much that I cling on and never let go? Isn't that unhealthy and just too needy? She was really right... I should use this time alone to figure myself out, to find out things I enjoy and to learn how to be alone without being lonely.... basically to learn to like and eventually love myself, before I start to like or even love another person. Only then could there be balance. Only then could a relationship be healthy. Too much longing creates too much expectations... and will be painful and hurt deeply if those expectations are not met. She was so right...
It will come, in time, when I and the rest of the world is ready.
We parted, at close to 1am on a cool night. But inside I felt pretty warmed and comforted.
It's nice to come home, and be appreciated. Especially after a long day at work, and a long, long time behind the computer writing and researching. It's so nice to open the door, and see a friendly face look at you and welcome you home.
Even if it's the cat's face.
Even if it's because she's hungry and waiting to be fed.
I guess things have been pretty alright lately... at least much better to how or what I felt a week or so ago. A few days ago I met my thesis supervisor, something I had been so dreading to do, and a meeting I had been postponing for almost two months... But he was extremely positive and helpful, and commended me for my good work. Especially after he mentioned (twice!!) that we should consider publishing the work in a law journal!
Imagine... my name, my work and ideas in a law journal.... published and circulated all around the world...
A distant dream, perhaps. But all his feedback and ideas really gave me the boost of confidence I needed to continue on my thesis writing.
Besides that, a really close friend just last week moved to the city I live in, and we've been doing a lot of things together. Cooking, going to the beach (even if it was just once until now), having deep heart-to-heart talks, and just being there for one another and listening to one another. Sometimes it's really that simple. Sometimes it's all it takes to feel like you are appreciated, to feel like you're loved even. And being appreciated and loved are things I really long for. But it's so difficult to find someone you can share life with, even though there are countless people always around you in the big city.
It's funny, because up until April I didn't really know this friend very well, and I only spoke to her once or twice at the library or briefly in the corridor. It was because of a project we were working on that we were brought together, and only then did we realise we had so much in common, and so much we could relate to. And I really need that, as a moral support, and someone to talk to.... especially now, I think, because every day I go to the office, and there's absolutely noone to talk to... and because most of my other classmates have all gone home... some never to come back anymore.
It's really a great feeling to find a friend... a true friend you know you can tell things to and know that you won't be judged. It's rare, especially in this day and age of fast friendships and on-the-surface-interactions between people. It's a great feeling to be able to be who you are, not have to act, and to feel utterly comfortable being just yourself, and to have that feeling given back in return. Even if it's just friendship, it feels so special, and warms my heart everytime I see or hear her.
She too will be leaving the country very soon, and at the back of my mind I already have doubts about seeing her go. But then, the consolation is that we met, better late than never, and that we shared so much together in the short time since we've known each other... and I look forward to more or the same in the coming weeks.
