I'm exhausted... drained, physically and mentally from the confusion, stress, insecurities and praises of the past two days. Finally, the Finals are upon us, and the Teldersdays are almost over. Today at the closing party, I was not very happy... distraught, dazzed, tired and drunk with some kind of deep, deep sadness I cannot explain... And all these people congratulating me, all these people applauding like I have never seen or heard before.... honoured and at the same time feeling defeated because I feel empty inside against the full onslaught of tiredness....
Too tired... too tired...
11 April 2008
10 April 2008
Competition day I
Tired, but still buzzing, partly from the excitement, partly from the ride of emotions throughout today. The Competition I have been planning together with my team started today. Three court sessions, nine courts, and two hundred guests. It's not easy, and this morning I had a stressful few hours when a number of things didn't go according to plan.
Stress, relief, gratitude, and worry... a mixture of emotions. And finally this day is over. Guests thank me, with such praise and gratitude, and I cannot but be appreciative and touched by their kind words and gestures. It moves me to tears, almost, the way they describe my hardwork and dedication. It's all come together, and all thanks to so many who have been there to support me, thanks to so many who have been there to help and extend a hand, or an ear.
I just came home, walking past the woods of Clingendael. Wearing the suit I wore to dad's funeral... I really wish dad could be here to see all this. I really wish mum could be
Stress, relief, gratitude, and worry... a mixture of emotions. And finally this day is over. Guests thank me, with such praise and gratitude, and I cannot but be appreciative and touched by their kind words and gestures. It moves me to tears, almost, the way they describe my hardwork and dedication. It's all come together, and all thanks to so many who have been there to support me, thanks to so many who have been there to help and extend a hand, or an ear.
I just came home, walking past the woods of Clingendael. Wearing the suit I wore to dad's funeral... I really wish dad could be here to see all this. I really wish mum could be
07 April 2008
Exhausted
Two days before the start of the Competition, and I am so frustrated. Last night, I lay in bed but could not sleep, even though I was so physically tired. My mind was awake, and racing with thoughts. Even trying to watch my breath or meditate did not help, and I just got more and more tense until I was so tired I fell asleep.
The last three weeks have been like this... a constant routine between work and sleep, work and sleep, and still there seems to be much to be done at work. Pressures from above telling me to cut down costs and bring in more money... and pressure of trying to make sure all two hundred or so students and guests from all over the world will enjoy a competition they will remember. And together with colleagues who really are sometimes not as enthusiastic as I want them to be, I feel kind of impatient that things are moving at such a slow pace.
I do not like to 'hide' behind my victim role, but sometimes I just wish people would be more appreciative of what I have been through and work with me more. I have just gone through a great loss, and my mum has to go into hospital for treatment every other week... these are really not easy burdens to combine with the work of mine as the coordinator of this event. A lot of work could have been done a long time ago, but still now we are just starting it seems... Frustrating... and I see myself getting somewhat short-fused about it. Not that I start shouting or screaming, but the work atmosphere is somewhat tense because there is so much pressure, from time and from the amount of work waiting to be done...
And suddenly, just now I got a call from a colleague. He spoke about the very things that had been bothering me, and he told me to look at the bright side of things. I had gone through so much, and the event is going stronger and stronger and coming together as we speak. Guests will be applauding for all the hard work I have done, despite all the odds. Just a few months ago, people wanted to pull the plug on this event, but I managed to revive it and bring it even more glory and fame... all these are not little achievements, and of course if there were a more cohesive team, then it would be easier, but things are still going well.
Tears oozed out of my eyes as he said all those things.... all this hard work, all this time at the office, and working evenings and weekends, and indeed everything is coming together. All I can think of is imagine how my parents would be so proud of me if they could see me, a few days from now, in the Great Hall of Justice, with over 200 people applauding at the work that I (and with the help of so many, many others) have accomplished...
How proud my dad would be... because all that I have been working for, is for him to see, and for him to be proud of me.
The last three weeks have been like this... a constant routine between work and sleep, work and sleep, and still there seems to be much to be done at work. Pressures from above telling me to cut down costs and bring in more money... and pressure of trying to make sure all two hundred or so students and guests from all over the world will enjoy a competition they will remember. And together with colleagues who really are sometimes not as enthusiastic as I want them to be, I feel kind of impatient that things are moving at such a slow pace.
I do not like to 'hide' behind my victim role, but sometimes I just wish people would be more appreciative of what I have been through and work with me more. I have just gone through a great loss, and my mum has to go into hospital for treatment every other week... these are really not easy burdens to combine with the work of mine as the coordinator of this event. A lot of work could have been done a long time ago, but still now we are just starting it seems... Frustrating... and I see myself getting somewhat short-fused about it. Not that I start shouting or screaming, but the work atmosphere is somewhat tense because there is so much pressure, from time and from the amount of work waiting to be done...
And suddenly, just now I got a call from a colleague. He spoke about the very things that had been bothering me, and he told me to look at the bright side of things. I had gone through so much, and the event is going stronger and stronger and coming together as we speak. Guests will be applauding for all the hard work I have done, despite all the odds. Just a few months ago, people wanted to pull the plug on this event, but I managed to revive it and bring it even more glory and fame... all these are not little achievements, and of course if there were a more cohesive team, then it would be easier, but things are still going well.
Tears oozed out of my eyes as he said all those things.... all this hard work, all this time at the office, and working evenings and weekends, and indeed everything is coming together. All I can think of is imagine how my parents would be so proud of me if they could see me, a few days from now, in the Great Hall of Justice, with over 200 people applauding at the work that I (and with the help of so many, many others) have accomplished...
How proud my dad would be... because all that I have been working for, is for him to see, and for him to be proud of me.
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