Dream of mum and dad

Such a horrible, horrible dream. I dreamt I was home (my own home...) and was trying to do some studying. Suddenly emotions rose from nowhere and I began to sob...

The sobbing and crying continued endlessly. I could not stop crying. There were all these people around I know, relatives, some acquaintances, and they were all lost as what to so. I cried so loud and so hard they gathered around me but could do nothing...

Images of mum and dad surfaced one by one. I missed them terribly. Terribly, terribly... I saw myself holding onto their hands and bodies as they slowly stopped breathing... I saw myself rubbing my face against theirs... I saw myself whispering soft words into their ears trying to placate them at that final moment of life before life escaped  their bodies... I heard that death rasping sound coming from the backs of their throats... I heard death, saw death coming, and was inconsolable...

I broke down and collapsed onto the ground crying. So intense were the emotions. So powerful and overwhelming. The tears were endless, the sounds of pain and mourning coming out of me harrowing and haunting...

I felt myself crying as I stirred from the sleep... 

Picture of a thousand words

I sat on the lakeshore at dawn, and next to me were my two traveling companions. Taiddy, a bear mum gave me a year or so before she passed... Billy, a bear my ex insists I must have with me to act as my "bodyguard". 

They are the closest connection I have to the people I care about most in this world. One is gone, physically gone and can I see her or hear her again. The other is gone too, in many ways, and no longer can I be or act like the natural and completely open person I was before with him. 

I asked a picture to be taken of me sitting there on the lakeshore. surrounded by so much beauty, and I have two inanimate bears with whom I can share my thoughts and feelings. 

The green-blue water was so still, so tranquil. I watched the mountains and snowcaped cliff faces in the distance. Moments earlier, I was on the lake. I could still feel the ripple effects and rocking motions of the canoe.

Things change, sceneries and people change. And I must with time.

Return to Lake Louise

I promised mum I would take her back here. Even though she is only here in spirit, only in the form of a pouch left over from her cremation, I know she is here with me... 

Two years ago, she sat in the front as I peddled. We drifted on the lake and admired the sun rise. I saw her smile, heard her laugh. It was the most joyous few moments and experience of my life (to date...)

I can see her smile still when I close my eyes. And in these mountains, behind those lush evergreens, beneath the green blue water is the echo of her laughter, the shadows of her presence...

What beautiful bond we still share, a bond nothing and noone can ever sunder.

Return to Lake Louise

This is for you mum...

Thank you for making such beautiful memories with me two years ago.

http://alternativeformosa.blogspot.ca/2011_06_19_archive.html

Thank you for being there in the formative years of my life.

This is for you.

Operation Serenity

Traveling to the "Middle Land" with mum in my backpack...

Biking to support a cancer charity... 

Traveling home to pay respects to my late mother... 

Taking the law exams that would eventually lead to the bar... 

And now, a journey through the Rockies to retrace footsteps I have taken with mum, and soon canoeing on Lake Louise with mum's "remains"...

All these steps are part of what I call Operation Serenity, a long term mission to find and rediscover life after death, to find treasure the beauties of the world after experiencing and seeing so many terrible and painful things. Most things I have already done and can be proud of. I can perhaps be most proud of the fact that one year on, I am stronger and a bit "better" than before. But dear god what a terribly lonely journey it has been...

Is it too much to expect others to share in my joy as I slowly, slowly overcome grief? Is it too much to ask that others try and understand and show some compassion instead of shunning me when I am down and sad? Now, surrounded by the desolate beauty of the mountains and nature all around me, I feel that deep deep emptiness and those painful thoughts: I could disappear right here, right now, and nobody would miss me. Nobody would ever know I existed. Nobody would ever know what I did, what I once offered to those dearest to my heart... Nature has this magical way of making you feel so small and insignificant. Nature has a way of reminding you how alone you are in this world.

I daydreamed that on this very journey through the Rockies as I embark on this very meaningful trip, someone would be by my side. But it was not meant to be. 

We come to this earth alone, we travel alone, and we will die alone. In between, when you are fortunate to find that soul mate and dear lover, you may enjoy the warmth of love and companionship for a little while. But when it comes to the most personal connection with life and death, when it comes to the spiritual journey of healing and rediscovering yourself, you are on your own. 

At YYC

Last night, I accompanied a friend's mother to Vancouver. It was exciting in a sense to travel with her, especially as she doesn't enjoy going out much. But she and her daughter have been very kind to me, almost as soon as I moved to Canada almost five years ago. 

My friend moved to vancouver for work back in June, and I promised to help her move some (or much!)  of her  belongings whenever I go see her. Given that I have status with the airline, I can carry three suitcases of up to 32kg each. That's a lot of things. True to my word, I took three large suitcases and her mum with me last night, and secretly without the auntie knowing, switched seats with her so she could sit in business class (I got a free upgrade...). She was so happy when she got off the plane, and said she was so stuffed with good food and lounged in comfort. 

Actually, Flying to Vancouver last night was a bit of a detour for less than twelve hours later, I'm now in Calgary, about to embark on a clandestine but very meaningful mission. My friend felt bad I flew out of my way to bring her her belongings (and mum...) But a promise is a promise, right? Anyway I can help, I try to. And what more beautiful thing is there to help reunite a family, for if I didn't  take her mum, it's highly unlikely the auntie would travel by herself...

So what am I doing here in Alberta? Retracing my own footsteps, ones I have made two years with my own dear mum. This trip to return to the Rockies has been planned for over a year. And I am beginning to feel the emotions come. 

To think, two years ago, I sat with her on a bus as we traversed the beautiful Albertan landscape.... To think, two years ago, I could see her, touch her, put my head on her shoulder, hear her voice (and snoring...), catch her smile at me and feel her hand grab my arms when we walked side by side...

Now she is gone, long gone it feels like. It was as if my childhood, my life with a mother in it, and all those journeys we took together (including one I am about to retrace now...) are all a dream. A sweet, loving, tender and motherly dream that leaves you longing, and leaves you aching inside. 

Cancer and life

Recall

We all have our version of events, do we not? Our own perspective of how things happened, why things happened, why we did or said (or did not do or say...) what we did or said. 

Do we all not feel we are victims of circumstance? Do we not all feel like we had not choice but were forced, against our wills, cajoled or even blackmailed into doing something that perhaps, when we look back now, make us feel regret and cry? 

Is it self conceited to stay stuck to my own view of things? Do I really never want to listen? And how well do others listen or want to listen? These are questions that will continue to ask themselves as I go on in life. 

The past happened. The past cannot be changed. Things are the way things are. Things have moved on. Things and people have changed. Relationships severed and made. Tears have been shed, pain has been done and felt again and again. 

Memories of my mother's funeral, the final farewell, has forever been etched with memories of someone i love and care about so deeply who came and stayed by me and gave me hopes and promises... Memories of those tumultuous days after mum left are in my eyes inseparable from memories of crying sessions and wrestling with love and promises of a relationship. from the farewell at the funeral to seeing and being with my ex, from the day mum died in my arms to the moment I was in my ex's arms, nothing is separable, everything jumbled mess I was tryin to figure out and am still trying to unravel. 

Can nobody but me see that? Does any of that not matter at all? All I want is some recognition that what I went through mattered, some recognition that how I went through it all was so brave and so amazing and even more amazing that I an still standing (though struggling a little...)

Instead, in the days of mourning and grief that followed, I've met so much lack of recognition and respect for my feelings and experiences that it sickens me and dislluisons me... 

You can move forward, or you can keep on hurting. 

You can believe you have been so wronged. You can believe everyone is out to get you, to abuse your vulnerabilities and trust. certainly, this belief is deep because of past and extremely traumatic experiences of abuses of trust, confidence and my body... 

But what is the point of dwelling

Have I not taken care of someone till the very end and gritted my teeth so bravely through all the horrific experiences of battling for life against illness and death? Why does it frustrate me so when people  cannot see what I have gone through, do not recognise or do not remember what it is I have gone through? 

But I will suffer. 

Suffer and suffer while other people look at me with such judgmental eyes and wonder what is wrong with me... Have I not suffered enough? Do I not wish to be free from pain and hurt, perceptions of deceit and betrayal? Do I not long for, deserve love and respect? I do. I do. Do I not need it, now more than ever, the love and devotion of another human being? I do. I do.

Having my parents die in my arms changed me. Any experience of that magnitude or significance will change you forever. It teaches you the value of life, the fragility of life, and the true meaning of love. It is not fleeting or fun. It is devotion and compassion, understanding and openness, sharing and being there through till the very end. It is a commitment that can overlook the most revolting smells, the most sickening sights of the body and its functions and still allow you to see the person for who s-/he is... The person you love, the person you care about and will continue to care about because a-/he means more to you than anything in the world. That is love. True love in the purest and simplest form. True love that's the  most difficult to be found and most difficult to keep because it is so rare, so  very fragile.

Couple

Farewell

He left in tears and left me in tears. Rushing to the airport to return to his city. I would have gone with him, send him off as I have done so many times. But it is not meant to be. 

I poured out my heart again, how much I cannot understand what is happening between us. What are we to one another? Why does he call everyday almost still? Why is he still with someone else? I trembled as I tried to say how much all these questions been affecting me, bothering me, traumatising me even in my sleep. It's not fair, I said, not fair how it all happened at the same time as when I was losing my mum. But is anything fair in life? What nonsense am I blurting out? 

Emotional blackmail he called my attempts to explain my feelings toward it all. He loves me too much it hurts too much, loves me more than anyone else. 

And that is why we cannot be together. 

Not now, not ever? 

He needed to rush. We were crying on my balcony and the stairs leading to my place. I cried because again I feel I have alienated him and pushed him away even further with my harsh words and my deepest feelings. It really is not that I am angry at him... I just cannot understand how we once were so close and became so distant. I just want a reason why I am not able to love him, care for him, touch him and kiss him the way I used to be able to when he tells me he loves me more than anyone in the world. 

I hurt him too much. I stabbed him by trying to meddle in his love life, maybe I blackmail him like he says I do without even realising it... 

He turned to leave, I begged him to stay. One should never beg, it demeans you, lowers you and your self esteem. But I was deperate. I care too much, love too much, am perhaps blinded by my emotions to think of my own well being or self esteem. I just wanted to see him and say goodbye properly, just wanted us not to part on such angry notes an poor terms. He is taking a plane, ill be taking a plane tomorrow. Who knows what will happen. Life is too difficult at times already to live with unnecessary regrets.

"I miss you..." I hugged him tightly and sobbed and whimpered on his shoulder. He too sobbed and cried in broad day light in front of my house. He needed to go. This conversation came too late. We had moments we could have talked or spent time together alone. But like always whenever he visits here, I feel like he's so preoccupied with engagements, feel like I am intruding and taking time someone else's lover away. It's not pleasant to be the clandestine lover on the side who must watch and bear the pain of seeing object of your object and love, once the rock of your love, be with another person. It is the most bitter and painful medicine to swallow, one I concocted myself in part, and one concocted by circumstances of my life over the past few years.

We hugged again. He slowly walked away, turning back to wave and mouth goodbye. Another good bye, another prolonged and painful drama in the relationship between two people who cannot let go of one another, yet cannot be with one another either. Sometimes it takes resolve, determination, and circumstances to bring people together again. Sometimes once gone, never to return. 

He turned the corner and left. I stood, with tears running down my face,  and watched the corner for a while hoping to see his figure, his face, his person again. 

And he was gone. 

Sleeplessness

I couldn't sleep last night... Suddenly woke up at half past five after hours I twisting and turning around in bed. It's a beautiful day, a beautiful beautiful day. I saw the dawn sun rise and sky brighten outside my window...

I cannot sleep, and my head is a mess. So many thoughts, so many regrets and anxieties and fears. Stress is mounting, exams are looming. I feel directionless, and feel my life lacks meaning or purpose. Floating again. Lost and longing for company, longing for affection and care.

Can't Be Moved

"Cause if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me 
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be..."

Gone. Forever gone. 

  

Mum calling

I was doing so cleaning and opened a bag I have not seen or opened for some time. I opened it, and inside was a tape.

I played it, and for a few moments there was just blank. Then suddenly, the familiar sound. The motherly sound. The way my name used to be called by my own mother. Unmistakable. Much missed. Painful.

"Weiwei..."

I burst out in tears. It was mum... Mum recorded a message for me. My mum's voice before she died... Voice from beyond the grave... Heart wrenching. Painful...