Farewell

He left in tears and left me in tears. Rushing to the airport to return to his city. I would have gone with him, send him off as I have done so many times. But it is not meant to be. 

I poured out my heart again, how much I cannot understand what is happening between us. What are we to one another? Why does he call everyday almost still? Why is he still with someone else? I trembled as I tried to say how much all these questions been affecting me, bothering me, traumatising me even in my sleep. It's not fair, I said, not fair how it all happened at the same time as when I was losing my mum. But is anything fair in life? What nonsense am I blurting out? 

Emotional blackmail he called my attempts to explain my feelings toward it all. He loves me too much it hurts too much, loves me more than anyone else. 

And that is why we cannot be together. 

Not now, not ever? 

He needed to rush. We were crying on my balcony and the stairs leading to my place. I cried because again I feel I have alienated him and pushed him away even further with my harsh words and my deepest feelings. It really is not that I am angry at him... I just cannot understand how we once were so close and became so distant. I just want a reason why I am not able to love him, care for him, touch him and kiss him the way I used to be able to when he tells me he loves me more than anyone in the world. 

I hurt him too much. I stabbed him by trying to meddle in his love life, maybe I blackmail him like he says I do without even realising it... 

He turned to leave, I begged him to stay. One should never beg, it demeans you, lowers you and your self esteem. But I was deperate. I care too much, love too much, am perhaps blinded by my emotions to think of my own well being or self esteem. I just wanted to see him and say goodbye properly, just wanted us not to part on such angry notes an poor terms. He is taking a plane, ill be taking a plane tomorrow. Who knows what will happen. Life is too difficult at times already to live with unnecessary regrets.

"I miss you..." I hugged him tightly and sobbed and whimpered on his shoulder. He too sobbed and cried in broad day light in front of my house. He needed to go. This conversation came too late. We had moments we could have talked or spent time together alone. But like always whenever he visits here, I feel like he's so preoccupied with engagements, feel like I am intruding and taking time someone else's lover away. It's not pleasant to be the clandestine lover on the side who must watch and bear the pain of seeing object of your object and love, once the rock of your love, be with another person. It is the most bitter and painful medicine to swallow, one I concocted myself in part, and one concocted by circumstances of my life over the past few years.

We hugged again. He slowly walked away, turning back to wave and mouth goodbye. Another good bye, another prolonged and painful drama in the relationship between two people who cannot let go of one another, yet cannot be with one another either. Sometimes it takes resolve, determination, and circumstances to bring people together again. Sometimes once gone, never to return. 

He turned the corner and left. I stood, with tears running down my face,  and watched the corner for a while hoping to see his figure, his face, his person again. 

And he was gone.