Nightmares...

Two extremely intense nightmares within the span of an hour...

The first one, I saw myself sobbing. The intensity was beyond words... I lay on the floor of my own apartment alone, huddled together like a wounded animal. I howled and cried, reached out into emptiness for comfort and solace. I was missing mum, missing dad. The intensity was simply beyond words.

How loss kills you... How loss affects you so deeply and robs you of joy, of the ability to muster strength and energy in the face of difficulties. How loss isolates you and puts you out of reach and the comprehension of people...

The next dream, I saw my cat. She was looking so sordid and sorry. A large patch of her normally black and beautiful coat had been bitten away. She was bleeding. She was suffering and moaning. I cried and tried to touch her, tried to comfort her, but she growled at me instead. She did not want to be touched. She was fatally wounded and dying...

chaning of the weather

There are moments when I feel like crying, when the silence of the night haunts me so, even though the radio is playing in the background, even though I have a lot of work to do...

There are moments when I see memories and images flash across my mind, when I see faces and smiles of dad, of mum, of the way we were, of the family I once had which all stand as a stark reminder of the isolation and the loneliness I feel all alone here in the world...

There are moments when I feel like cry, and even more, feel like and long for someone to appear out of nowhere to comfort me, to wipe away my tears and to tell me, remind me, to hold me and tell me "It'll all be alright..."

It will all be alright, because the loneliness will not last. It will all be alright, because someone cares, because someone understands and is there for me to listen without judging me... It will be alright, because there is someone who will hear what I want to express and empty out of my mind without throwing the my emotions and venting back at me as mere whinings and complaints of someone who has it too easy in life because I already have a roof, a job, and all I could ever wish for.

There are moments when I wish I could be surrounded again by the warmth of family, of celebrations, of laughter, of joy, of love, true love only family can provide and offer...

There are moments I cry, a whimper at first, then a sob, then a full unleashing of emotions and tears.

This is one of those moments.