This was first published on Mar 17 2006 under my profile on Mogenic.com
Was out with mum for dinner, some three days before I leave. A classy restaurant on a hill, soft music, view overlooking mountains and the rivermouth, and slight evening breeze and good food. Almost romantic, were it not for the company!
We talked about this and that, the pre-departure mother-son talk. I listened most of the time, but inside I somehow felt like telling mum my 'secret'. Perhaps it was the atmosphere, the whole heart-to-heart-ness of it all, or perhaps it was the fact that I will be gone in less than 72 hours.
I sat listening, but looked into the distance and was silent. I waited for an opportunity, like in the past, to make the 'revelation' less akward. And it came when mum said:
"You know, when fate should be so lucky, when the time is right, you should really think of finding someone to be with."
Of course she meant 'girlfriend'. Inside I struggled between hesitation to talk and the urge to say that I have already had people to be with, but not the 'kind' she expected. In the end I opted bluntness which would not skirt around the issue.
"Hm, I don't think you should harbour hopes of me ever getting married and having children. You have my elder brother for that. But not me."
Mum sort of believes in fortunetelling, and she began again telling me what so many fortunetellers have predicted. She said that I should beware of 'difficulties' in my love life, and that there is a danger I may go down the 'stray path', be involved in relationships that are not 'normal'. She was probably afraid to say it, but in the end she did whisper it
"You know...I don't want your life to be complicated by it...g-a-y."
I answered her rhetorically what 'stray path' and 'normal' meant. If I am happy with who I am, if I feel free and like to do what I do, what is wrong with that? I am who I am, that is the nature of things, so who am I to change it? I told her that many relatives and friends have asked me why I don't have a girlfriend, and added: "Any intelligent person would be able to figure out why."
So that was it. She was not shocked or sad (or so it seemed), but briefly smiled at me. Eventually she said:
"If that's the way it is, then so be it."
I guess it was a tacit way of saying that she's alright with who/what I am. Or was she hurting inside? I guess, as motherly instincts and intelligence may put together, she already suspected it, and tonight's episode was more a subtle conformation than revelation.
We continued about other things, and didn't touch on the topic again. But I felt relieved, and really was.
I expected I would need to make a great big speech, defend myself or that perhaps she would burst out in anger or tears. Instead she was calm, understanding, and seemingly supportive.
And I too am now calmer.
17 March 2006
Feeling good?
This was first published on Mar 19 2006 under my profile on Mogenic.com
Went to the hairdressers today. It’s been a long time since I had a ‘decent’ haircut, one with a stylist who doesn’t just cut, but who really styles. So this one offered the whole package, from washing to massaging, from styling to cutting, from washing again to blow drying. Almost two hours later, I came out a different person, from the outside, and perhaps from the inside too.
To be honest, I was really tense and nervous when I had my hair washed and head massaged. It was by a young cute guy around my age, I felt quite intimidated by the touch at first. I guess I’ve always had trouble being touched by people intimately (past and unpleasant childhood experience), and the way he was massaging my head and hair, washing my earlobes and neck didn’t help. I was so tense and stiff that he had to tell me to relax a couple of times. At one point I was shaking and fidgeting with my fingers, not knowing where to put my hands…he probably noticed. How awkward!
When the hairwashing was done, I was relieved. So I sat in front of the mirror and waited for the stylist to arrive. Don’t really like looking at myself, but when you’re in front of a mirror, I guess you have to. I found myself sometimes looking down or sideways, but then I couldn’t avoid the reflection in the mirror. I looked more and more, and found it easier to look. So this is who I am!
The stylist came and did her magic. She gave me a short cut, but in a month or two I would be able to have a protruding ‘ridge’ along the middle of my head. Not sure what that style is called (I’d call it a ‘very slight mohican’), being not too fashion conscious, but the picture looked convincing enough (or was it the cute model that made it look so good?) All the while she complimented me on my looks, my body and ‘aura’, and said I’d look even better after the cut. She said, to my surprise, that my hair has a very slight natural curl, and could be very smooth and fine, if only I took the effort to take care of it and condition it everyday.
I’m not sure whether the compliments about my looks were genuine, or whether she simply tried to make conversation. She said a lot of girls must fall for me (which to some extent is true), and asked whether I have a girlfriend. I politely said no, and smiled (and blushed?). Did she not notice me browsing through the catalogue of cute guys with beautiful hair?
The point is, she made me feel good about myself, and my appearance, and it’s been a while. Was she sincere, or simply flattering me? I could never tell the difference. I looked at myself in the mirror after her magic, and actually liked what I saw. Hm, perhaps she was right…I could be good looking, I could be attractive if only I would allow myself to be so.
A little self-pampering, inflated self-ego wouldn’t hurt once in a while, right?
Went to the hairdressers today. It’s been a long time since I had a ‘decent’ haircut, one with a stylist who doesn’t just cut, but who really styles. So this one offered the whole package, from washing to massaging, from styling to cutting, from washing again to blow drying. Almost two hours later, I came out a different person, from the outside, and perhaps from the inside too.
To be honest, I was really tense and nervous when I had my hair washed and head massaged. It was by a young cute guy around my age, I felt quite intimidated by the touch at first. I guess I’ve always had trouble being touched by people intimately (past and unpleasant childhood experience), and the way he was massaging my head and hair, washing my earlobes and neck didn’t help. I was so tense and stiff that he had to tell me to relax a couple of times. At one point I was shaking and fidgeting with my fingers, not knowing where to put my hands…he probably noticed. How awkward!
When the hairwashing was done, I was relieved. So I sat in front of the mirror and waited for the stylist to arrive. Don’t really like looking at myself, but when you’re in front of a mirror, I guess you have to. I found myself sometimes looking down or sideways, but then I couldn’t avoid the reflection in the mirror. I looked more and more, and found it easier to look. So this is who I am!
The stylist came and did her magic. She gave me a short cut, but in a month or two I would be able to have a protruding ‘ridge’ along the middle of my head. Not sure what that style is called (I’d call it a ‘very slight mohican’), being not too fashion conscious, but the picture looked convincing enough (or was it the cute model that made it look so good?) All the while she complimented me on my looks, my body and ‘aura’, and said I’d look even better after the cut. She said, to my surprise, that my hair has a very slight natural curl, and could be very smooth and fine, if only I took the effort to take care of it and condition it everyday.
I’m not sure whether the compliments about my looks were genuine, or whether she simply tried to make conversation. She said a lot of girls must fall for me (which to some extent is true), and asked whether I have a girlfriend. I politely said no, and smiled (and blushed?). Did she not notice me browsing through the catalogue of cute guys with beautiful hair?
The point is, she made me feel good about myself, and my appearance, and it’s been a while. Was she sincere, or simply flattering me? I could never tell the difference. I looked at myself in the mirror after her magic, and actually liked what I saw. Hm, perhaps she was right…I could be good looking, I could be attractive if only I would allow myself to be so.
A little self-pampering, inflated self-ego wouldn’t hurt once in a while, right?
16 March 2006
Close, but not close enough
This was first published on Mar 16 2006 under my profile on Mogenic.com
I was out with a cousin last night, and almost 'came out'. Well, if it weren't for her reaction as I 'tested the waters', I would have come out.
My cousin and I are close, and she is quite modern and open minded, at least about most things I thought.
We were just walking, browsing stores, my cousin then said that at her nursing college she has a couple of friends who are lesbian. Taking the opportunity while we were on the subject I asked her what she thought about them. She didn't mind them, and didn't even fear them coming onto to her.
Then I probed further, seeing a chance to tell at least someone else in the family (even if not close family). I asked whether there are gay boys in her school. There are boys who are 'feminine' or 'sissy like', she said, but whether they are gay or not is uncertain. There's even one who's been injecting hormones, and is supposedly doing escort service after school hours. (Boy, where have I been all these years?)
Then she suddenly added that finds it 'strange' that boys can be together. Surprised, I reminded her that she just said about lesbians being alright. She answered that it's more acceptible it seems for girls to be with girls, but for boys it's just 'strange'. Even more strange that gay men are allowed to get married in some places, she added.
I went to great lenghts to explain to her that homosexuality is just a feeling, just a preference which happens to be the same sex, and that it's nothing unnatural, as she suggested. She didn't say much, and at one point asked why I suddenly became so 'interested' in the topic.
By that time I had 'tested the water' enough to know that now (or ever) is not the best time to tell her about me. Perhaps I was too cautious...perhaps she would have reacted differently if I said I'm gay, since I am a close confidant and cousin of hers. But then again, I thought differently too about what she would think.
Shame...I felt I was so close! So close to opening up and being able to talk to someone finally. Ah, the anxiety, and then disappointment straight after (pun not intended).
And something else I discovered too: my cousin, 20, did not know that Brokeback Mountain is about the love story of two gays.
*sigh* some youths these days :P
I was out with a cousin last night, and almost 'came out'. Well, if it weren't for her reaction as I 'tested the waters', I would have come out.
My cousin and I are close, and she is quite modern and open minded, at least about most things I thought.
We were just walking, browsing stores, my cousin then said that at her nursing college she has a couple of friends who are lesbian. Taking the opportunity while we were on the subject I asked her what she thought about them. She didn't mind them, and didn't even fear them coming onto to her.
Then I probed further, seeing a chance to tell at least someone else in the family (even if not close family). I asked whether there are gay boys in her school. There are boys who are 'feminine' or 'sissy like', she said, but whether they are gay or not is uncertain. There's even one who's been injecting hormones, and is supposedly doing escort service after school hours. (Boy, where have I been all these years?)
Then she suddenly added that finds it 'strange' that boys can be together. Surprised, I reminded her that she just said about lesbians being alright. She answered that it's more acceptible it seems for girls to be with girls, but for boys it's just 'strange'. Even more strange that gay men are allowed to get married in some places, she added.
I went to great lenghts to explain to her that homosexuality is just a feeling, just a preference which happens to be the same sex, and that it's nothing unnatural, as she suggested. She didn't say much, and at one point asked why I suddenly became so 'interested' in the topic.
By that time I had 'tested the water' enough to know that now (or ever) is not the best time to tell her about me. Perhaps I was too cautious...perhaps she would have reacted differently if I said I'm gay, since I am a close confidant and cousin of hers. But then again, I thought differently too about what she would think.
Shame...I felt I was so close! So close to opening up and being able to talk to someone finally. Ah, the anxiety, and then disappointment straight after (pun not intended).
And something else I discovered too: my cousin, 20, did not know that Brokeback Mountain is about the love story of two gays.
*sigh* some youths these days :P
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