"In coming days, you will cause and lead an upheaval. Self-confidence will allow your performance to be even more eye catching."
25 August 2012
Fortune
25082012.1511
"In coming days, you will cause and lead an upheaval. Self-confidence will allow your performance to be even more eye catching."
"In coming days, you will cause and lead an upheaval. Self-confidence will allow your performance to be even more eye catching."
Terrible sadness
250812.0223
There are going to be moments when I lie down to sleep and suddenly, in the midst of the silence of the might, in the absence of voices save for the voice inside my head, the terrible, terrible sadness hits me hard. "All alone... You are all alone now in the world... Nobody can hear you, nobody can hear your pain..."
Tonight is one of those nights. One of perhaps many, many nights to come...
There are going to be moments when I lie down to sleep and suddenly, in the midst of the silence of the might, in the absence of voices save for the voice inside my head, the terrible, terrible sadness hits me hard. "All alone... You are all alone now in the world... Nobody can hear you, nobody can hear your pain..."
Tonight is one of those nights. One of perhaps many, many nights to come...
24 August 2012
Will
I got out mum's will again today, and am going to realise a couple of things mum wanted me to do for her after she passed away. There are a couple of charities she would like to leave some of her assets to, and I'm going to "top-it up" a bit. They say doing good after someone passes away will allow them to have a smoother passage in the hereafter. That may be so, but one thing is for sure: many children and old people will benefit from a little donation made in mum's honor.
Even though mum is gone, her kindness and compassion for those in need lives on...
Even though mum is gone, her kindness and compassion for those in need lives on...
22 August 2012
Feud
I exploded on my brother. The frustration and anger has been building up for some time, for weeks, and exacerbated over the past few days. Tensions originating from different temperaments and different approaches to things. Who is to say who is wrong or right? Nobody can say that. But what I dislike and what irritates me most of all is the way my brother commands and bosses people around the house. And I made that very clear to him.
We argued back and forth for ten minutes or so. The baby suddenly began crying, and did not stop for quite some time. He even got out of bed by himself and opened the bedroom door, crying, to see what was going on. Later, when the mood calmed down, I joked that my nephew was upset by his dad and his uncle arguing.
I told my brother very frankly how I don't appreciate his attitude and his way of bossing people around from the very first thing in the morning. He accused me of not doing anything, of just sitting around and (figuratively) folding my arms and letting him deal with all these things that need to be taken care of. I really fail to see what still needs to be done that we have not yet done, yet my brother has the impression there are still so many unfinished business to be taken care of.
"Even mum never treated me like this when she was still alive..." I said. There, I finally said what I wanted to say. "Your behaving a lot like dad..." That made him become quiet. I hate to bring dad up, and I know it's disrespectful toward him, but really growing up a lot of tensions at home was caused by dad having a bad temper and telling mum to do this and do that. Very much like what my brother is doing now... And I hate to see a repeat of this in his family, and seeing it affect his marriage and my nephew's childhood. Because I know how unhealthy it is to grow up in a family where there is someone who's moods can change like the weather and bring everyone suddenly down...
We soon "made up". Really, there was no hatred harboured, just things I needed to get off my chest. And I think my brother heard what I said, and he too toned down a bit too. Sometimes all you need is a bit of communication to clear any misunderstandings. And maybe I was upset, and yes I brought up mum and dad with the belief that mentioning them may have more influence on my brother, but I am glad that at least one thing is off my chest, and I sure do hope my brother can change a bit for the better.
We argued back and forth for ten minutes or so. The baby suddenly began crying, and did not stop for quite some time. He even got out of bed by himself and opened the bedroom door, crying, to see what was going on. Later, when the mood calmed down, I joked that my nephew was upset by his dad and his uncle arguing.
I told my brother very frankly how I don't appreciate his attitude and his way of bossing people around from the very first thing in the morning. He accused me of not doing anything, of just sitting around and (figuratively) folding my arms and letting him deal with all these things that need to be taken care of. I really fail to see what still needs to be done that we have not yet done, yet my brother has the impression there are still so many unfinished business to be taken care of.
"Even mum never treated me like this when she was still alive..." I said. There, I finally said what I wanted to say. "Your behaving a lot like dad..." That made him become quiet. I hate to bring dad up, and I know it's disrespectful toward him, but really growing up a lot of tensions at home was caused by dad having a bad temper and telling mum to do this and do that. Very much like what my brother is doing now... And I hate to see a repeat of this in his family, and seeing it affect his marriage and my nephew's childhood. Because I know how unhealthy it is to grow up in a family where there is someone who's moods can change like the weather and bring everyone suddenly down...
We soon "made up". Really, there was no hatred harboured, just things I needed to get off my chest. And I think my brother heard what I said, and he too toned down a bit too. Sometimes all you need is a bit of communication to clear any misunderstandings. And maybe I was upset, and yes I brought up mum and dad with the belief that mentioning them may have more influence on my brother, but I am glad that at least one thing is off my chest, and I sure do hope my brother can change a bit for the better.
21 August 2012
Still raw
210812.2312
"Thank you..." I said, and could hardly finish my sentence without choking on my words. "For all these years..." Out of nowhere the deep seated pain and tears surfaced. The pain of losing mum is still raw, still fresh, still easily felt. Mum's friend placed her hand on my shoulder. "Don't say anything..."
We met up with mum's cousin and a good friend of mum for dinner. Before, we would always meet up for a meal before we are due to leave the country, and of course mum would be there. This time was the first time that mum was absent. And we will have to get used to mum's absence at the table...
At one point mum's friend and cousin came up to me to speak to me in private. "Are you OK? You are very quiet tonight..." I was. I often am when brother is around. I'll just let someone else do the talking, and my brother has a way of taking over the conversation, albeit most of the conversation is about him. So I just stay quiet and sit by the side, and quietly eat my food. I was quiet also because of circumstances. This is after all the first meal we were having with mum's friend and cousin after the funeral. And perhaps nobody said anything, but I could somehow tell on their faces that the unspoken sadness is there, and is going to linger on.
"You have to be strong and take good care of yourself. Your mum was most worried about you, and so are we..." I have heard these words many times, from friends of mum and from relatives. They say this because in truth I really am alone in the world now, whereas my brother has the comfort of his own family to lean on. That makes a big difference. It really does. When I feel sad, all I have to do is take a look at my nephew and the sadness vanishes. All I have to do is go up to my nephew and lean close to him and hold him, and the sadness vanishes. I can do this here, I can do this for a few more days. After next week, I really am all on my own...
Mum's friend and cousin reminded me again and again if there is anything to let them know. I know they mean well, and I really do appreciate their kindness and their offer of support. I have in the past often told them how much I appreciate them being there for mum, caring about her, and visiting her every so often. And now mum is gone, they are showing me the same kind of kindness and care they showed mum. It is touching, very touching, and makes me want to cry. More so because it is more warmth and care than I have ever received from my own brother, the last remaining member of my family.
"Thank you..." I said, and could hardly finish my sentence without choking on my words. "For all these years..." Out of nowhere the deep seated pain and tears surfaced. The pain of losing mum is still raw, still fresh, still easily felt. Mum's friend placed her hand on my shoulder. "Don't say anything..."
We met up with mum's cousin and a good friend of mum for dinner. Before, we would always meet up for a meal before we are due to leave the country, and of course mum would be there. This time was the first time that mum was absent. And we will have to get used to mum's absence at the table...
At one point mum's friend and cousin came up to me to speak to me in private. "Are you OK? You are very quiet tonight..." I was. I often am when brother is around. I'll just let someone else do the talking, and my brother has a way of taking over the conversation, albeit most of the conversation is about him. So I just stay quiet and sit by the side, and quietly eat my food. I was quiet also because of circumstances. This is after all the first meal we were having with mum's friend and cousin after the funeral. And perhaps nobody said anything, but I could somehow tell on their faces that the unspoken sadness is there, and is going to linger on.
"You have to be strong and take good care of yourself. Your mum was most worried about you, and so are we..." I have heard these words many times, from friends of mum and from relatives. They say this because in truth I really am alone in the world now, whereas my brother has the comfort of his own family to lean on. That makes a big difference. It really does. When I feel sad, all I have to do is take a look at my nephew and the sadness vanishes. All I have to do is go up to my nephew and lean close to him and hold him, and the sadness vanishes. I can do this here, I can do this for a few more days. After next week, I really am all on my own...
Mum's friend and cousin reminded me again and again if there is anything to let them know. I know they mean well, and I really do appreciate their kindness and their offer of support. I have in the past often told them how much I appreciate them being there for mum, caring about her, and visiting her every so often. And now mum is gone, they are showing me the same kind of kindness and care they showed mum. It is touching, very touching, and makes me want to cry. More so because it is more warmth and care than I have ever received from my own brother, the last remaining member of my family.
Follow the flow
(Liberty Times)
"Regarding that unsettled matter, that person you have not yet let go of, that uncertain relationship, you continuously experience loss and gain.
But, darling, every kind of analysis, projection, prophesying is but the imagination inside your brain. Except letting your head become dizzy and your brain become bloated, what can you get from it?
What will happen you cannot stop, what will not happen all sort of hoping is of no use, so why should you be filled with anxiety and worry?
Just follow the flow, use a relaxed and dignified posture, an attitude that accepts everything, [and] move forward by following the flow of nature.
Just move forward, follow the flow.
"Regarding that unsettled matter, that person you have not yet let go of, that uncertain relationship, you continuously experience loss and gain.
But, darling, every kind of analysis, projection, prophesying is but the imagination inside your brain. Except letting your head become dizzy and your brain become bloated, what can you get from it?
What will happen you cannot stop, what will not happen all sort of hoping is of no use, so why should you be filled with anxiety and worry?
Just follow the flow, use a relaxed and dignified posture, an attitude that accepts everything, [and] move forward by following the flow of nature.
Just move forward, follow the flow.
20 August 2012
Countdown
I find myself counting down the days and moments till I leave here...
Again, I am feeling pressure of living with my brother--something which I escaped from four years ago when I made the move to Canada. The poor attitude, the grumblings, the commanding tone and playing boss. I cannot stand it. I cannot tolerate it. So I react with irritation in my tone. Or I simply do not react at all.
The other day, I spoke to the priest (who can communicate with the dead), and out of nowhere he said my mum had something she wanted to tell me. "Tolerate your brother... Bear with it..." How painful it is to hear from mum from beyond the grave and to know that she is still thinking of me, worrying about me. There are moments when I feel like shouting back, hitting back at my brother and saying: "Who gave you the right to be so bossy toward me?! Even our mother never treated me this way!"
It adds to my grief, accentuates the pain and emptiness I feel deep down inside... It is sad that my own brother, the only person left in my family, treats me like crap and makes me feel so unwanted here...
Tolerate it... Bear with it... Only for a few days longer. If I think of things another way, I will feel better. Maybe this is my brother level of communication... maybe this is just the way he is, bossy, commanding and temperamental. In a way, it is sad that he cannot talk without getting upset and getting frustrated at everything and everyone. Maybe deep down there is a lot of anger and frustration that he cannot find a way to vent...
Tolerate it... Bear with it... Only for a few days longer.
Again, I am feeling pressure of living with my brother--something which I escaped from four years ago when I made the move to Canada. The poor attitude, the grumblings, the commanding tone and playing boss. I cannot stand it. I cannot tolerate it. So I react with irritation in my tone. Or I simply do not react at all.
The other day, I spoke to the priest (who can communicate with the dead), and out of nowhere he said my mum had something she wanted to tell me. "Tolerate your brother... Bear with it..." How painful it is to hear from mum from beyond the grave and to know that she is still thinking of me, worrying about me. There are moments when I feel like shouting back, hitting back at my brother and saying: "Who gave you the right to be so bossy toward me?! Even our mother never treated me this way!"
It adds to my grief, accentuates the pain and emptiness I feel deep down inside... It is sad that my own brother, the only person left in my family, treats me like crap and makes me feel so unwanted here...
Tolerate it... Bear with it... Only for a few days longer. If I think of things another way, I will feel better. Maybe this is my brother level of communication... maybe this is just the way he is, bossy, commanding and temperamental. In a way, it is sad that he cannot talk without getting upset and getting frustrated at everything and everyone. Maybe deep down there is a lot of anger and frustration that he cannot find a way to vent...
Tolerate it... Bear with it... Only for a few days longer.
Walking
200812.2104
He began walking by himself over the past week or so. A few steps at a a time, and if the distance is a bit far between two places, he would cleverly walk toward a wall or a chair to rest a bit before walking further. And today, my nephew walked and walked and walked unaided. Today, 20 August 2012, twelve days before he turns one year old.
He is so energetic, so cute and such a darling. Looking at his smile can melt away any worries and anxieties I may have. My nephew smiles also brings smiles and laughter to my brother, who in his current spell of bad temper desperately needs to lighten up.
I put up mum's portrait on the living room wall, and the living room happens to be the place where my nephew test walks the most. So in a way, his grandma can also see him walk around happily in circles. And in a way, his grandma can smile and laugh too...
He began walking by himself over the past week or so. A few steps at a a time, and if the distance is a bit far between two places, he would cleverly walk toward a wall or a chair to rest a bit before walking further. And today, my nephew walked and walked and walked unaided. Today, 20 August 2012, twelve days before he turns one year old.
He is so energetic, so cute and such a darling. Looking at his smile can melt away any worries and anxieties I may have. My nephew smiles also brings smiles and laughter to my brother, who in his current spell of bad temper desperately needs to lighten up.
I put up mum's portrait on the living room wall, and the living room happens to be the place where my nephew test walks the most. So in a way, his grandma can also see him walk around happily in circles. And in a way, his grandma can smile and laugh too...
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