Still raw

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"Thank you..." I said, and could hardly finish my sentence without choking on my words. "For all these years..." Out of nowhere the deep seated pain and tears surfaced. The pain of losing mum is still raw, still fresh, still easily felt. Mum's friend placed her hand on my shoulder. "Don't say anything..."

We met up with mum's cousin and a good friend of mum for dinner. Before, we would always meet up for a meal before we are due to leave the country, and of course mum would be there. This time was the first time that mum was absent. And we will have to get used to mum's absence at the table...

At one point mum's friend and cousin came up to me to speak to me in private. "Are you OK? You are very quiet tonight..." I was. I often am when brother is around. I'll just let someone else do the talking, and my brother has a way of taking over the conversation, albeit most of the conversation is about him. So I just stay quiet and sit by the side, and quietly eat my food. I was quiet also because of circumstances. This is after all the first meal we were having with mum's friend and cousin after the funeral. And perhaps nobody said anything, but I could somehow tell on their faces that the unspoken sadness is there, and is going to linger on.

"You have to be strong and take good care of yourself. Your mum was most worried about you, and so are we..." I have heard these words many times, from friends of mum and from relatives. They say this because in truth I really am alone in the world now, whereas my brother has the comfort of his own family to lean on. That makes a big difference. It really does. When I feel sad, all I have to do is take a look at my nephew and the sadness vanishes. All I have to do is go up to my nephew and lean close to him and hold him, and the sadness vanishes. I can do this here, I can do this for a few more days. After next week, I really am all on my own...

Mum's friend and cousin reminded me again and again if there is anything to let them know. I know they mean well, and I really do appreciate their kindness and their offer of support. I have in the past often told them how much I appreciate them being there for mum, caring about her, and visiting her every so often. And now mum is gone, they are showing me the same kind of kindness and care they showed mum. It is touching, very touching, and makes me want to cry. More so because it is more warmth and care than I have ever received from my own brother, the last remaining member of my family.