The emotional down I experienced earlier today came pouring out again as I watched this eulogy from the children of Jack Layton to remember a simple man I never personally knew, who stood "for a world that would be more just, that would be more civil"...
Such heart-felt words and emotions in remembrance of a loving, caring dad who despite being famous and busy, made time for his children and grandchildren. That is just beautiful and extremely touching.
The children seem so composed, so together, and even made jokes and fun of their late dad... But behind the brave smiles, the red eyes, must lie a level of loss and hurt that is immeasurable and so very difficult to overcome..
Hallelujah
"I did my best, it wasn't much
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you
And even though it all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah"
27 August 2011
Why...?
Crying alone at the office. Nobody can see these tears... nobody can hear my howls and my sobbing...
For a moment, I feel so alone in the world, and the pain is unbearable, inconsolable.
The last half an hour or so I have been listening to my brother venting about mum and her behaviour while she was in Europe recently. He looked so upset, criticising mum in long tirade. She was never home, he complained, she was being difficult when it comes to cooking and eating, she just disappeared and hardly interacted with them. She was unfair and difficult to please. Whatever was done was not good enough or did not satisfy her...
I was quiet, and only tried to tell him that it is all in the past. "Please don't think about it too much, don't get upset. It is all a misunderstanding..." I told him mum is not well, and went into how she may need surgery, because none of the treatments she has been receiving has worked to reduce her tumour. I told him to try to imagine her fears, her feelings of being confronted with loneliness and illness, and death. "Just try imagine what she is going through... Try," I said.
When the conversation ended, I burst out in tears.
I could not control myself.
Why....?
Why so much anger?
Why so much misunderstanding?
As painful and sad as it is, I could feel the bitterness, the strong resentment towards mum. I know mum can be difficult, but she is not well, she is our mother. Of course she can be wrong, of course she can do wrong and say the wrong things, and I am not trying to defend her or what happened, because I don't know exactly what happened. But it hurts to see brother's anger and lack of compassion or understanding for her condition and her health.
I am crying still... there is such pain inside I am not sure how to express them. My first instinct is to call my friend, to talk, to cry. But I can't do that any more. I can't always keep on running to him in times of need. We are past that. I need some other way of venting, of letting go of my frustrations.
And now, crying, and writing, is the only way I know how...
For a moment, I feel so alone in the world, and the pain is unbearable, inconsolable.
The last half an hour or so I have been listening to my brother venting about mum and her behaviour while she was in Europe recently. He looked so upset, criticising mum in long tirade. She was never home, he complained, she was being difficult when it comes to cooking and eating, she just disappeared and hardly interacted with them. She was unfair and difficult to please. Whatever was done was not good enough or did not satisfy her...
I was quiet, and only tried to tell him that it is all in the past. "Please don't think about it too much, don't get upset. It is all a misunderstanding..." I told him mum is not well, and went into how she may need surgery, because none of the treatments she has been receiving has worked to reduce her tumour. I told him to try to imagine her fears, her feelings of being confronted with loneliness and illness, and death. "Just try imagine what she is going through... Try," I said.
When the conversation ended, I burst out in tears.
I could not control myself.
Why....?
Why so much anger?
Why so much misunderstanding?
As painful and sad as it is, I could feel the bitterness, the strong resentment towards mum. I know mum can be difficult, but she is not well, she is our mother. Of course she can be wrong, of course she can do wrong and say the wrong things, and I am not trying to defend her or what happened, because I don't know exactly what happened. But it hurts to see brother's anger and lack of compassion or understanding for her condition and her health.
I am crying still... there is such pain inside I am not sure how to express them. My first instinct is to call my friend, to talk, to cry. But I can't do that any more. I can't always keep on running to him in times of need. We are past that. I need some other way of venting, of letting go of my frustrations.
And now, crying, and writing, is the only way I know how...
26 August 2011
The morning after
I tried to pull away, to distance myself when he probed into my life, probed onto my mum's condition. I felt so uncomfortable sharing intimate details and my problems with him now.
I know he cares about me deeply, as he always has. It's a care that his love and our short lived relationship. But something inside just told me to withdraw, to back off and to erect barriers. I don't want him to be so concerned about me anymore. How is he supposed to move on and be with someone else, which is what he'd like, when he is so concerned about my life and wellbeing? How am I supposed to move on and let him go when I can't stand up ad deal with my own problems myself?
He started to tear when I slowly, but not in too much detail revealed mum's state of health. I was numb, not sad, not upset, and kept on saying to him I'm fine, I'll be fine. But for some reason he cried...
Was it for me, or for the fact that I was pushing him away after our intimate love making the night before?
We talked more in bed, a comfortable yet dangerous place, for it soon drew us in to yet another indulgence of our bodies and our (overly high?) sex drives.
The questions, doubts and discomfort of being around him are still there. I don't know how he feels about it, but as much as I'd like to be close to him, I also want to get away, to get some distance- which proves difficult when we sleep next to each other.
The rest of the day, we spent talking and resting in one another's arms and embrace, drowning in the warmth and comfort we have always managed to provide for one another. And we took a long walk together, laughing, chatting, joking. It was beautiful, really was and reminded me somehow of a fresh beginning, like we were in those days of just being best of friends who love each other's company so much.
But deep down inside, I can't speak for him, at least for me, there is a little distance. In these strange circumstances we find ourselves in, in a situation where he is having strong feelings for someone else and where I am still having lingering feelings for him, there has to be more distance. We cannot sustain this, we cannot always tread so closely between beings friends and make-believe lovers without either one or both of us being hurt.
I know he cares about me deeply, as he always has. It's a care that his love and our short lived relationship. But something inside just told me to withdraw, to back off and to erect barriers. I don't want him to be so concerned about me anymore. How is he supposed to move on and be with someone else, which is what he'd like, when he is so concerned about my life and wellbeing? How am I supposed to move on and let him go when I can't stand up ad deal with my own problems myself?
He started to tear when I slowly, but not in too much detail revealed mum's state of health. I was numb, not sad, not upset, and kept on saying to him I'm fine, I'll be fine. But for some reason he cried...
Was it for me, or for the fact that I was pushing him away after our intimate love making the night before?
We talked more in bed, a comfortable yet dangerous place, for it soon drew us in to yet another indulgence of our bodies and our (overly high?) sex drives.
The questions, doubts and discomfort of being around him are still there. I don't know how he feels about it, but as much as I'd like to be close to him, I also want to get away, to get some distance- which proves difficult when we sleep next to each other.
The rest of the day, we spent talking and resting in one another's arms and embrace, drowning in the warmth and comfort we have always managed to provide for one another. And we took a long walk together, laughing, chatting, joking. It was beautiful, really was and reminded me somehow of a fresh beginning, like we were in those days of just being best of friends who love each other's company so much.
But deep down inside, I can't speak for him, at least for me, there is a little distance. In these strange circumstances we find ourselves in, in a situation where he is having strong feelings for someone else and where I am still having lingering feelings for him, there has to be more distance. We cannot sustain this, we cannot always tread so closely between beings friends and make-believe lovers without either one or both of us being hurt.
Back to the hospital
More sores, more pains. The radiotherapy was supposed to last for half a year or so, but it's only been three months, and mum is feeling the pains returning, and feeling her motor skills in her arm are getting weaker.
She went to the doctor today, and the latest
blood analysis revealed an elevated CEA, which means the cancer cell count is increased.
More scans are scheduled, and an appointment with the neurosurgeon is necessary.
Another treatment using chemotherapy may be due. So soon after it just stopped... So soon!
And perhaps, at a date unknown, surgery is essential to prevent the tumour in the spine area from compressing further on her nerves, which may eventually lead to paralysis.
She sounded calm and collected, though I am not sure how she is really feeling. Frightened? Fearful? Resigned? Hopeless? Tormented by her illness and by the encroaching uncertainties of more and more treatments and a painful death?
My heart cries for her... my heart feels for her, and yet there is so very little I can do.
She kept on reasurring me, telling me not to worry, to focus on my life and making something out of it. I asked her how she felt. "I am used to it," she said
How can anyone be used to all that waiting? All the uncertainties of what will happen to your body? How can she be so calm, and keep on reassuring me not to get too worried, and to brave it all alone?
Looks like my life may be undergoing yet another unpredictable spin. She told me to stay put, not to worry about her, no matter what. "Come back in January, just for the new year and for dad's commermoration. Don't come back for me..."
But how can I just sit here if something major happens to her, like a life-changing surgery or a turn for the worst?
Disjointed, confused, and my god, am I cracking up deep down inside. How much more can I take? How much can my heart wrench and cry and shudder in fear?
Cracking up once more, and this time with just my own arms and strength to hold onto.
She went to the doctor today, and the latest
blood analysis revealed an elevated CEA, which means the cancer cell count is increased.
More scans are scheduled, and an appointment with the neurosurgeon is necessary.
Another treatment using chemotherapy may be due. So soon after it just stopped... So soon!
And perhaps, at a date unknown, surgery is essential to prevent the tumour in the spine area from compressing further on her nerves, which may eventually lead to paralysis.
She sounded calm and collected, though I am not sure how she is really feeling. Frightened? Fearful? Resigned? Hopeless? Tormented by her illness and by the encroaching uncertainties of more and more treatments and a painful death?
My heart cries for her... my heart feels for her, and yet there is so very little I can do.
She kept on reasurring me, telling me not to worry, to focus on my life and making something out of it. I asked her how she felt. "I am used to it," she said
How can anyone be used to all that waiting? All the uncertainties of what will happen to your body? How can she be so calm, and keep on reassuring me not to get too worried, and to brave it all alone?
Looks like my life may be undergoing yet another unpredictable spin. She told me to stay put, not to worry about her, no matter what. "Come back in January, just for the new year and for dad's commermoration. Don't come back for me..."
But how can I just sit here if something major happens to her, like a life-changing surgery or a turn for the worst?
Disjointed, confused, and my god, am I cracking up deep down inside. How much more can I take? How much can my heart wrench and cry and shudder in fear?
Cracking up once more, and this time with just my own arms and strength to hold onto.
Ich bin ich
What am I doing? Rewarding my friend with my body, my time listening to his pursuit of a love affair?
He stayed the night, and told me the latest developments between him and the boy. In a way I don't want to hear details, but in a masochistic way, I want to know too... To know where they are, how my friend is coping or feeling. Or perhaps I just want to confirm or deny whether there is still a chance between us, somehow.
And again, we ended up in bed. Sex has never been anything short of phenomenal, and yesterday we went further than before, even though it caused me some pain and bleeding.
But we were caught up in lust, longed for one anothers bodies, longed for climax and that comfort of sleeping next to one another and hugging. So I gave in to my desires, against my better judgment perhaps. At one point i asked him to look at me in the eyes...
We looked deeply into one another's eyes, and in my mind I asked myself whether he saw me, whether he was really fully there with me at that very moment. "Ich bin ich" (I am I) I said, referring to the lyrics of a German song I let him listen to. the night was so very intense, our bodies vibrating in sync, connecting on a physical and metaphysical level like they have not for a long, long time. It was so very intimate, and I savored the moments, the touch and warmth of his arms, his breath on my face, the groans of wild pleasure and ecstasy...
We fell asleep together, I put my arms around him, spooned him like so many times before till he began to twitch a little, a sign I know that he is close if not already sleeping. I rolled back to my side of the bed, pulled my blanket over me, but felt a little empty inside...
25 August 2011
Strange mood
Something is up. A bunch of us are having dinner at my place, and he suddenly had to leave. "I'll tell you later," he said as he hurried off. He would bot return until half an hour later.
I tried hard to muster a smile and chat with my other friends. But deep down, I imagined him communicating with the boy he feels so deeply for. Are they together now? Are they sweet talking and whispering as they video chat? I don't know. But the thought is eating me inside. So soon after we broke up, and he can just move into another relationship? And he got so upset the other day when I went to see a couchsurfer I met a month ago and who happened to be in town for the night again. He got so upset he even asked whether I was going home with the guy, who I only met and spoke to for a couple of hours!
I don't know what's happening, he's just in my bed trying to compose himself, an waiting for me to go back and chat.
I don't know what will be said, what else will be revealed but I feel nauseated already and fear it will be another long, sleepless and restless night....
I tried hard to muster a smile and chat with my other friends. But deep down, I imagined him communicating with the boy he feels so deeply for. Are they together now? Are they sweet talking and whispering as they video chat? I don't know. But the thought is eating me inside. So soon after we broke up, and he can just move into another relationship? And he got so upset the other day when I went to see a couchsurfer I met a month ago and who happened to be in town for the night again. He got so upset he even asked whether I was going home with the guy, who I only met and spoke to for a couple of hours!
I don't know what's happening, he's just in my bed trying to compose himself, an waiting for me to go back and chat.
I don't know what will be said, what else will be revealed but I feel nauseated already and fear it will be another long, sleepless and restless night....
24 August 2011
Lag
In an effort to shield myself, I decided to stop publishing my blog entries immediately. I'm still writing, but I'm saving the drafts for publication until a week or two later.
One reason to do this is because before, my ex would often read my blog and if something is bothering me or if I'm feeling down or upset, he would immediately call or rush over to comfort me. I appreciated that greatly, because nobody has ever done anything as touching and caring for me, especially in my time of need. But since we broke up and since I wanted to keep some distance from him, at least for the coming period, I don't think it's healthy for either of us to be so involved in one another's lives so much.
I told him I still care deeply about him and his wellbeing, and I know he cares deeply about my life and what is affecting me emotionally, especially surrounding the condition of my mother. But I just don't feel right or comfortable being so dependent on him for support, for comfort, especially if he is to go into a new relationship. Imagine what the other person would think if my ex is constantly reading my blog and getting worried and wanting to come comfort me whenever I am down and upset by something (which seems to be often)! It's not fair... it's not right. I don't want to distract him and keep part of his heart and mind with me and make him feel divided and conflicted when he enters into another relationship. That was what tortured him the most, and he does not need to go through that again. Best is if can let go of me, be less concerned about me so that we have the time and space to adjust to the new relationship we find ourselves in.
It's not that I want a clean break and to start hiding news of my life. I still very much want him to be around, and I think he wants me to be around too... but I just feel we can no longer have that instant care and provision of care and support like we used to at this moment.
Maybe it will change one day soon... but when he is trying to move on and so desperately wants to start a relationship with someone else, the last thing he should be thinking of and worrying about is my feelings and my wellbeing.
So this blog will continue, but there will just be a little delay in the updates.
One reason to do this is because before, my ex would often read my blog and if something is bothering me or if I'm feeling down or upset, he would immediately call or rush over to comfort me. I appreciated that greatly, because nobody has ever done anything as touching and caring for me, especially in my time of need. But since we broke up and since I wanted to keep some distance from him, at least for the coming period, I don't think it's healthy for either of us to be so involved in one another's lives so much.
I told him I still care deeply about him and his wellbeing, and I know he cares deeply about my life and what is affecting me emotionally, especially surrounding the condition of my mother. But I just don't feel right or comfortable being so dependent on him for support, for comfort, especially if he is to go into a new relationship. Imagine what the other person would think if my ex is constantly reading my blog and getting worried and wanting to come comfort me whenever I am down and upset by something (which seems to be often)! It's not fair... it's not right. I don't want to distract him and keep part of his heart and mind with me and make him feel divided and conflicted when he enters into another relationship. That was what tortured him the most, and he does not need to go through that again. Best is if can let go of me, be less concerned about me so that we have the time and space to adjust to the new relationship we find ourselves in.
It's not that I want a clean break and to start hiding news of my life. I still very much want him to be around, and I think he wants me to be around too... but I just feel we can no longer have that instant care and provision of care and support like we used to at this moment.
Maybe it will change one day soon... but when he is trying to move on and so desperately wants to start a relationship with someone else, the last thing he should be thinking of and worrying about is my feelings and my wellbeing.
So this blog will continue, but there will just be a little delay in the updates.
Looking back
So I started recalling the names of all the places I have visited... Berlin, Barcelona, Taipei (numerous, numerous times...), Tel Aviv, Singapore, Bangkok, Prague... the list goes on and on. I've had to look back at the stamped pages of my passport, and also revisit some of my earlier blogs to remember where I have been, and what I have done.
I became nostalgic... I was young then, or at least younger. I was untouched, inexperienced and still discovering myself and the world. Those seemed like such carefree days. Traveling, visiting places, excited and spurred on by the sense of adventure and discovery which I seem to have lost.
I was lonely, sure, and I had family problems and my parents' health issues to deal with, of course... But life seemed to be so simple back then, back then when I was longing for love, and yet unsure what it all meant... back then when I had such a beautiful image and dreams of being in love, and did not realise what it feels to be heartbroken and to miss that sense connection and closeness you share with someone you have grown accustomed to over time.
And then I read up how my friend and I first met and connected, how I first started to have feelings for him, and how that developed further through our trips and adventures together. Sweet memories, sweet sweet smiles and laughter.
When you look back, life seems always to be so rosy. But of course it wasn't all that rosy, and my writings from five, six years ago can attest to that. The insecurities, the fears, the longings are still around, perhaps more ingrained today then before with the passage of time, or perhaps less burdensome now because I have grown used to it all. But every stage in life, every period is a process of learning, of living. And it amazes me when I look / read back and realise, and remind, myself how far I have come, and what I have really accomplished in in my life.
That means I can go on and do even more.
Time...
We hugged, hold one another tightly. I lost myself in the scent of his body, stroked the back of his head, his hair, and I could hear him groan in pleasure, and feel my bulge against his.
We hugged, I closed my eyes and wished that moment would last, would come as naturally as it always has felt... There is nothing more addictive, nothing more empowering to be in his embrace, to feel his hands and arm wrapped around my body. I may hug other people, for I love hugs and giving them, but hugging him is different. It draws out feelings, memories, and even tears. It fills me with such strength, such courage, and brings me to the here and now as well as a deep meditation could.
We stood in the office, arms locked around one another for several minutes. I felt him smell me, pull me in close and hold me closer. With eyes closed, I felt his breathing, smelt his breath. suddenly, admittedly though half expecting it, wanting it, I felt his lips on mine. Ever so gently, ever so softly, our lips touched and there was a spark of electricity. It felt like the first kiss, soft, true, intimate.
Earlier he had written to me, about how he broke into tears alone when he discovered a card I had written to him. Not just cards, but there are many notes, messages, scribbles and smileys I have left behind at his place. He wrote how much he appreciated them, appreciated my presence in his life, and how he is confused why he could not want to have something so special. It is frustrating, he said, to know that there is so much potential between us, but the timing and the circumstances are all wrong...
I was touched by his message, and later was touched by how he had bought a lovely teddy bear for me accompanied with lovely messages inside.
I wrote back, have been wanting to do that since I had that chance to get away and be not around him. As much as I don't want to, my mind tells me I need some time and distance from him. It's best for him, especially as he wants to resolve his feelings for the other person, to move on and to forget about me and what we had. It's best for me, because I'm afraid of being more hurt...
I said i don't know now how I should behave and interact with him, now that we are broken up. What do you do when you were first friends who became lovers an then break up? Do you go back to being friends, just friends just like that? I don't know, I've never had to deal with it, and I may be so naive in this way...
I would like that closeness, that friendship, that intimacy. But it hurts us both, hinders both our abilities to move on. And I told him I am not sure, at least in the near future, whether I can face him should he and the other boy get back together. I do wish he can rediscover the happiness and purity of emotions he found with the other person, because he deserves that after what I have put him through... But for my own (selfish!) sake, I'm not sure if I can deal with that, at least not at this moment. Especially with my tight schedules for the coming months, and the lingering troubles surrounding mum's health.
Am I such a terrible friend because I want distance, because I want time and space to protect my own skin and salvage every bit of my being I'm struggling to hold together? I don't know, and I don't know what he felt after reading my message. Was he disappointed in me, because he has always been able to differentiate being friends and being in love with me? He has always been there for me first an foremost as a friend, and he has alwad wished me happiness despite it being painful for him to see me go on dates. Why am I unable to do that? is it because i'm so petty and so concerned about my own feelings above all else? Is it because I don't want to feel that pain, that dee deep cut when he told me how much he feels for the other person, how much he wants to be with him, even during the time we were together?
I need to heal, to mourn, to get past all this, but I do not wish to push him away, do not wish to create unnecessary distance between us or put our strong, beautiful friendship into jeopardy... I love him still, care about him much, and cannot easily get him out of my mind, even though I am unsure at times whether these feelings are mutual. If they aren't, I must dilute them, make them fade and eventually disappear. If all that remains out of all this is a solid, solid friendship for life, then so be it. And if we are really meant to be together, if we are really so compatible and feel so deeply for one another, then one day perhaps we will come together again.
But I need time, I need space. And we both need the time and space apart to perhaps realise how much we mean for one another, how much we care about and love one another, if that.
We hugged, I closed my eyes and wished that moment would last, would come as naturally as it always has felt... There is nothing more addictive, nothing more empowering to be in his embrace, to feel his hands and arm wrapped around my body. I may hug other people, for I love hugs and giving them, but hugging him is different. It draws out feelings, memories, and even tears. It fills me with such strength, such courage, and brings me to the here and now as well as a deep meditation could.
We stood in the office, arms locked around one another for several minutes. I felt him smell me, pull me in close and hold me closer. With eyes closed, I felt his breathing, smelt his breath. suddenly, admittedly though half expecting it, wanting it, I felt his lips on mine. Ever so gently, ever so softly, our lips touched and there was a spark of electricity. It felt like the first kiss, soft, true, intimate.
Earlier he had written to me, about how he broke into tears alone when he discovered a card I had written to him. Not just cards, but there are many notes, messages, scribbles and smileys I have left behind at his place. He wrote how much he appreciated them, appreciated my presence in his life, and how he is confused why he could not want to have something so special. It is frustrating, he said, to know that there is so much potential between us, but the timing and the circumstances are all wrong...
I was touched by his message, and later was touched by how he had bought a lovely teddy bear for me accompanied with lovely messages inside.
I wrote back, have been wanting to do that since I had that chance to get away and be not around him. As much as I don't want to, my mind tells me I need some time and distance from him. It's best for him, especially as he wants to resolve his feelings for the other person, to move on and to forget about me and what we had. It's best for me, because I'm afraid of being more hurt...
I said i don't know now how I should behave and interact with him, now that we are broken up. What do you do when you were first friends who became lovers an then break up? Do you go back to being friends, just friends just like that? I don't know, I've never had to deal with it, and I may be so naive in this way...
I would like that closeness, that friendship, that intimacy. But it hurts us both, hinders both our abilities to move on. And I told him I am not sure, at least in the near future, whether I can face him should he and the other boy get back together. I do wish he can rediscover the happiness and purity of emotions he found with the other person, because he deserves that after what I have put him through... But for my own (selfish!) sake, I'm not sure if I can deal with that, at least not at this moment. Especially with my tight schedules for the coming months, and the lingering troubles surrounding mum's health.
Am I such a terrible friend because I want distance, because I want time and space to protect my own skin and salvage every bit of my being I'm struggling to hold together? I don't know, and I don't know what he felt after reading my message. Was he disappointed in me, because he has always been able to differentiate being friends and being in love with me? He has always been there for me first an foremost as a friend, and he has alwad wished me happiness despite it being painful for him to see me go on dates. Why am I unable to do that? is it because i'm so petty and so concerned about my own feelings above all else? Is it because I don't want to feel that pain, that dee deep cut when he told me how much he feels for the other person, how much he wants to be with him, even during the time we were together?
I need to heal, to mourn, to get past all this, but I do not wish to push him away, do not wish to create unnecessary distance between us or put our strong, beautiful friendship into jeopardy... I love him still, care about him much, and cannot easily get him out of my mind, even though I am unsure at times whether these feelings are mutual. If they aren't, I must dilute them, make them fade and eventually disappear. If all that remains out of all this is a solid, solid friendship for life, then so be it. And if we are really meant to be together, if we are really so compatible and feel so deeply for one another, then one day perhaps we will come together again.
But I need time, I need space. And we both need the time and space apart to perhaps realise how much we mean for one another, how much we care about and love one another, if that.
23 August 2011
Rest in Peace, Jack
I was still half asleep when the news broke. "Jack Layton, the leader of the opposition, has died".
Shock and surprise overcame me. So soon, so abrupt. Just a month ago, he announced he would retreat for a while to continue his struggle for life. He promised to return to Parliament in Autumn. But he lost that fight... Another victim of cancer-- that cruel, blind and crippling, crippling illness...
My thoughts went to his family, his wife, who is of Chinese descent. I didn't know him personally, but his energy, his smile, his being "Just Jack", his politics, and the clean way he conducted it, appealed to me, and appealed to so many millions of Canadians.
And there was the cancer that connected me to him even more. Despite his illness, he had faith in life. He campaigned hard, he believed in and stood for change and hope and optimism. He led his party to an unprecedented victory with a belief greater social justice and equality in Canada.
And all that ended. A cancer of unknown origin took that all away. I can only imagine what he and his family went through during the treatment... The hard prayers, the elevated hopes, the consuming fears, and the pain of realising at one point there is nothing more that can be done...
Even so, despite his own pain and suffering, in his last letter to Canadians, he wrote:
Though i never met him, never spoke to him, and can hardly do justice to all the things he has done and said for people around him, for this country, to me he was a courageous person, with conviction and determiation till the very end.
Rest in peace, Mr Layton...
Shock and surprise overcame me. So soon, so abrupt. Just a month ago, he announced he would retreat for a while to continue his struggle for life. He promised to return to Parliament in Autumn. But he lost that fight... Another victim of cancer-- that cruel, blind and crippling, crippling illness...
My thoughts went to his family, his wife, who is of Chinese descent. I didn't know him personally, but his energy, his smile, his being "Just Jack", his politics, and the clean way he conducted it, appealed to me, and appealed to so many millions of Canadians.
And there was the cancer that connected me to him even more. Despite his illness, he had faith in life. He campaigned hard, he believed in and stood for change and hope and optimism. He led his party to an unprecedented victory with a belief greater social justice and equality in Canada.
And all that ended. A cancer of unknown origin took that all away. I can only imagine what he and his family went through during the treatment... The hard prayers, the elevated hopes, the consuming fears, and the pain of realising at one point there is nothing more that can be done...
Even so, despite his own pain and suffering, in his last letter to Canadians, he wrote:
"To other Canadians who are on journeys to defeat cancer and to live their lives, I say this: please don’t be discouraged that my own journey hasn’t gone as well as I had hoped. You must not lose your own hope. Treatments and therapies have never been better in the face of this disease. You have every reason to be optimistic, determined, and focused on the future. My only other advice is to cherish every moment with those you love at every stage of your journey, as I have done this summer."
Though i never met him, never spoke to him, and can hardly do justice to all the things he has done and said for people around him, for this country, to me he was a courageous person, with conviction and determiation till the very end.
Rest in peace, Mr Layton...
21 August 2011
Almost home
Why is it that the closer I get to home, the more clouded and distracted my mind becomes? While I was biking over the weekend, it was so easily to forget, so easily to just be in the moment.
Yet now I feel the doubts, the fears, the speculation and annoyances creep up and subsume my mind slowly....
And I am not even home yet!
Yet now I feel the doubts, the fears, the speculation and annoyances creep up and subsume my mind slowly....
And I am not even home yet!
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