It's not a matter of "if" but "when".Because there will be one day when I will leave this world. How, whether in a tranquil or tragic way, I do not know. Whether alone, or surrounded by the people closest and dearest to me, I cannot know yet (and may never know...) But I will leave, and I hope with a light, clean and clear mind.
My memories will die and disappear with me, and memories of me will gradually, gradually fade and one day be forever forgotten. I want my remains to return to nature, to return to the world it once came from. Perhaps all that will be left of me are these words and pictures from my life-- to be shared, and perhaps also, to inspire. And I ask for nothing more.
I do not want people to mourn or to grief when I die, for dying is the most natural event in a person's life. Only it occurs at the very end of it. It's like the grand finale, and I hope I will have lived my life so people can smile and feel warmed at the end of the show, and think "That was a good one!"
I am writing this now before it's too late, because most of us think or believe or persuade ourselves that we'll live on and on. Most of us live telling ourselves there is always tomorrow, always the next hour, or the next minute. But I've learned early on that there is aging, there is illness and there is death in life, just as there can be life in death.
I don't want people to mourn my passing, because really it is the ultimate liberation from this world, in which we are constantly at the whim of our emotions, of fears, of loss and desires. Even so, it is also a world that can be so touching, filled with love and beauty, if only we care to open our eyes and hearts to see all of that. And I do hope that in my life I have been able to make this world, or at least make the worlds of those around me, a little more loving, a little more beautiful.
I have made mistakes in my life, I have been wrong and unkind, cruel and angry. I know I have wronged people, spoken harsh words and had ill feelings and thoughts toward people, for which I regret and ask for forgiveness...Forgive me for my moments of ignorance, for the times I have deluded myself and become lost is my own ego and selfishness. Please forgive me for having ill wishes and negative intentions toward anyone or any being...
I have hopefully lived a full life, and lived a 'good' life by filling it with kindness and love. I know deep down inside, a lot of the things I have experienced as a child may be difficult to forget, difficult to let go of. But I have tried, and hopefully succeeded, in soothing violence and abuse with forgiveness and an open heart. What did not kill me made me stronger, made me the person I was.
I have encountered many a beautiful people in my life, some of those merely for a few seconds, some of them for years, and one or two for a lifetime. Whether friend or family, I want to thank them from the depths of my heart, for enriching my life with hope, positiveness and support...
Forever I shall be grateful to my parents, who gave me the gift of life, who gave me means to make something of my life. They showed me, in different ways, what it means to love and give unconditionally. I am forever grateful for the sacrifices they have made to give me the foundation of a life free from worry, free from shortage and full of opportunities. They taught me respect and virtue, held me when I first took a step, held me whenever I cried and supported me no matter what I did or what I wanted to do.
Dad, I have always remembered how we used to fall asleep together at night, and all those (tall) tales you would tell me before you fell asleep first... And I have never forgotten how I held you and whispered to you quietly as you peacefully passed away in my hands.
Mum, I will never forget how we meditated together as mother and son... Of all the places we have visited together, of all the beautiful moments we have shared, that brief hour canoeing on the blue, blue Lake Louise will forever be etched in my memories... Thank you for loving me, caring about me like no one ever will, even till the very last breath you took...
I hope I have not been a difficult child and caused you too much headache and heartache, and that you will be proud of me and what I have done in my life. I hope I have been a good son, and fulfilled my 'duties' to be filial, to be loving and caring and to be there for them when you needed me the most. To my lovers, I want to thank you for loving me, and allowing me to love you in return, in different ways, to different degrees. I know I was a complicated person, with mood swings and a tendency to be down and take life too seriously, but through your love and your warmth and support, you have made me so much more beautiful and confident.
In particular, I want to thank one person, my first true love. We began as friends, but that the bond between us grew and grew, and eventually blossomed to love, despite all odds and complications. Thank you for forever caring so much, for loving me so much, for making me smile and laugh and cry in ways I never imagined possible. Thank you for your patience, for being understanding, for your hugs and for the wonderful, passionate moments lying next to one another. You taught me to believe in myself, to love myself my by repeatedly telling me how beautiful I am, something for a long time I refused to believe. You allowed me to love, to give and to be intimate with one person in ways I could never dream of. You have always been the one and only special, special friend whom I cherish and love and think of even when we were apart...
To my friends... thank you for being there for me, for listening, for your words of encouragement, for little gestures that made my life easier, happier, and more fulfilling. Thank you for being my friend, even if we grew together and eventually drifted apart. I hope I have been a good friend, someone who you could count on, someone you would think of when you needed help and support. In the time we spent together, on the journeys we took together, you held a mirror before me and reflected who I am, and taught me what better person I could be.
To the cats whom I have rescued from shelters... You rescued me in a way by providing me with company and love with your headbutting and purring (even if you just wanted food...). I know I may have not been the perfect 'boss', and that I have often left you on your own, sometimes for weeks or for months... But you made days and nights alone not feel so alone, and you allowed me to express and feel such furry feelings of warmth and love that softened my heart even more.
To all the homeless people and those in need I have encountered, either from afar or a few steps away... thank you for arousing in me feelings of compassion and care for a stranger, even if on the street I just walked on by and seemingly did not notice you. I did notice you, even if it were only from the corner of my eye. And it often hurt to see a fellow human being, even if I did not know your name, even if I were never to see you again, suffer and live in conditions nobody should have to endure. You reminded me again and again how fortunate I have always been, and how a little offering of food or money can bring to my heart such simple and fulfilling joy and warmth. You reminded me so often how a little giving, how a little act of charity, can make me smile and smile.
To the the Buddha, the Bhikkhus and Bhikkhunis I have encountered, I offer you my deepest gratitude and reverence for your teachings. Ever since my encounter with Buddhism, you have offered me invaluable refuge and understanding of the true nature of the world, and the true nature of the mind. Through you, and through my meditation practice, I have been able to see 'through' life to realise death, to understand beauty by understanding ugliness. The Buddhist precepts have been my moral compass, which I hope I have lived by and through my life been an inspiration to others. The teachings of the Buddha have allowed me to appreciate how everyone in the world is subject to the same suffering, mental anguish and physical pain. I have been fortunate to understand that everything changes, and nothing belongs to me, and realising this has made it easier for me to let go, to lighten my burdens and to strive to do the best I can in life with what I have. It is my hope that in all I have said, in all I have done, I have been a good practitioner, a lived my life with wisdom, compassion and love for all beings. And I hope through my life, through my practice, I have been a lamp upon myself, and to others.
When I should die, I want to leave this world a few well wishes and hopes...
... if I have ever had any ill-will or ill-feeling toward any person or being may I be forgiven. I ask for forgiveness of my trespasses, in body, speech or mind, against another person or being, as I forgive those who trespass against me. May we meet again, in this life or another, in this existence or another, with a clean conscience and clean slate. May we always greet one another with peace and loving kindness.
...may all beings be happy, truly happy, and truly free. May all beings, small or large, animate or inanimate, be free from pain, free from suffering, free from mental anguish and physical hurt. May all beings be well.
[This is entry will be continuously updated: last updated 03 January 2013]
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