Silence

Again my feelings dismissed with silence, and worse still dismissed with a redirection to another issue that is so trivial and unimportant. 

Dismissed as if what I feel does not matter. Dismissed as if my existence does not matter. Dismissed because I am not justified to feel what I feel, to react how I react? 

Again, this is a moment when I think to myself "Go through it yourself, and you will know... See it for yourself, and you will understand..." 

Is that mean spirited? Is that revengeful? No, it's just one can never really understand or know until some things happen to you. 

This is when you ask yourself why there is a need to maintain whatever relationship there is with people who do not seem to listen, who do not seem to care, who get so carried away by such trivial things and when you tell them your feelings about life and death, there is but an awkward silence.

"You say it best when you say nothing at all..." 

In this case the person is saying the opposite I what the words of that song really means.

3 January

Riding the "Rocket" through downtown Toronto to visit friends for brunch. 

It's been a quiet few days here in te new city. A symbolic new beginning in a new place in a new year. I wanted to have it this way, for this is where I aspire to be, one day.

Hopefully that one day will come very soon.

I feel there is hope and future here, at least more protects than where I am now.

Salaries are higher, it's anglophone, it's really multicultural and -racial. It's the biggest city in Canada. It's where jobs are.

One year from now, would I have my own place? Would I be feeling at home here and have an established base here? Would I own a place, a place I can finally call my home after so many years of "home-lessness"? 

I hope so. I really hope so. 

 

Gift and sand...

It was such an intense dream, filled with oppressive emotions and longing, filled with such deep sadness, pain and desperation.

I don't remember the details, but there was a lot of sand, and in the sand I found buried memories and remnants of mums presence... I couldn't bear it but broke down. A lady, someone familiar but I can't say who exactly, approached me an gave me a toy, something I've always really wanted. It was something like Lego, and I was so thrilled and grateful to receive it... Yet before turning to go the lady said the gift was a gift of pity because I'm an orphan, because I lost my mum. 

I woke up on the brink of tears...