Shock...

My skin crawled and my heart sunk when I heard the news. This should happen to no one! No one! I thought to myself.

"... she was taking the train when it happened. On the train between Schiphol (airport) and Amsterdam. She was in a carriage with no one else, but this one other guy..."

Shudder... disgust...

"...the guy was sitting opposite her. She was just reading a book or something, and she looked up, and saw the guy jerking off. She stood up to walk away, and he followed her..."

Shock... horror...

"... he pinned her into a corner, and forced her into the toilet. And raped her."

I looked away, imagining what horrible torture the girl must have underwent, and what a horrible person that guy is to do such a horrible thing to another human being. I don't know this girl, but I felt for her, and tried to imagine what pain and traumas she had to endure... My friend who told me this was almost shaking after recounting the story.

We were silent for a few moments after that, unsure how to change the subject, unsure whether to change the subject that had changed the atmosphere of a friendly get-together so dramatically.

Rape... such a strong word, such a dirty word. It's not so much the act itself, but the significance of what it does to another human being, and the meaning behind it that makes it so traumatic. It's being out of control of your body and mind, being subdued to such indescribable physical and emotional trauma, and being violated against your will by someone you don't even know... Believe me, it hurts... perhaps the worse thing that another person can do to another...

The girl is recovering now, and awaiting pregnancy and STD (sexually transmitted diseases) test results. The police are now on the case.

But countless many are not so lucky, as countless many live and hide in shame, afraid to tell, afraid that when other people know their ordeals, they will be stigmatised for life.

May they find the strength to live on, and to deal with the pain... May they find the abilitiy to heal, and be able to walk out of the shadows...

Porn

*Disclaimer: By reading I confirm that I am 18 years of age or over, or have reached the legal age of majority in the country or territory I am currently located.


Friday night, flicking through the TV for something good to watch.
Suddenly, naked people engaged in 'fast moving physical action' caught my attention. The quality of the film was poor, something probably shot in the eighties, but it's porn nonetheless.

"Porn? At 10pm? Why... they're showing it earlier and earlier nowadays!" I thought to myself. Only then did I realise it was the Comedy Channel. More surprising... can porn be funny?

And it was. I sat there laughing for the whole half an hour. Porn has a reputation for being badly dubbed (so I heard), for some of the dialogue can be so utterly corny and tasteless, and it seems like everything said or done is gearing up for the next shag.

It was a show called "Badly Dubbed Porn", which

"takes excerpts from some of the adult industry's more ropey films and redubs the dialogue to liven things up a bit".

So I was had the privilege of watching selected scenes from "The World's Biggest Asshole"... about this guy who had a problem with his arse, which for some reason seemed to get bigger and bigger. But that didn't stop him getting laid wherever he went... either to the doctors at the hospital, or to court, or to the trailer park (for some reason). The dubbing was hilariously witty, poking fun at the actors and the cheesy plot, and the whole ridiculousness of typical low-budget porn-flicks that have no story and are so poorly acted, even down to the fake screaming and organisms (...again, or so I heard). Ah, too much...


A must-see for people who stay home on Friday nights...
(Fridays at 22.25 and 00.45 on Comedy Central, in Dutch!)

Horoscope today

An acquaintance keeps popping into your life, but you haven't ventured into real friend territory yet. Take time to get to know them on a deeper level.

I wonder who this "acquaintance" is...

Afternoon nightmare

Just had one of the most terrifying nightmares ever...

I'm just lying in bed, seeing myself sleeping. I hear noises and movements in the house, and I get up to move around. I see myself move, my hands and feets, but the next moment I'm 'thrown back' into bed, and still lying there like I haven't moved at all. I hear more noises and voices in the house. I roll over and try to step out of bed, only to be 'thrown back' into bed again, back into my sleeping position.

I try to move my arms and legs, and have the feeling I have control over them one moment. But the very next moment, I'm back in that position in bed where I'm just lying there and sleeping. I try to get out of bed again, and actually see people moving around through the opening of the door. I try to say something, and try to move toward the door, but then I'm thrown back into bed again, immobilised. It's very confusing and frustrating.

I try many more times, each time moving my head, my arms and feet. But I never can make it out of my room. And very suddenly I get 'thrown back' into bed again, to be back in the same position and to be immobilised like an invalid unable to control his body. But at the same time, I can hear the radio playing in the background, hear the voice of the newsbroadcaster go on and on about the latest news and stock market prices and the weather.

I feel so trapped, not being able to control my body, and increasingly frustrated by being 'thrown back' into bed. I feel like I am losing my ability to move, and feel like I may be like this forever. I ask myself if this is what death is like... And next moment I burst into (tears in my dream)...

...only to wake up in the next moment in reality, and realise it was all a dream. A terrible dream. The radio was on, and the newsbroadcaster kept on rambling on about the Palestine, about a dad who had been shot outside his son's primary school this morning... I moved my hand and arm, and they moved the way I wanted wanted it to.

I closed my eyes a bit, trying to regain myself and my thoughts. It was as if in my dream, there were two levels of existences-- one minor existence in which I am sleeping, and another in which I can move around a little, but then quickly return back to that main sleeping existence. But at the same time, the sound of the radio and newsbroadcaster (which represented the third existence of 'real reality' entered these two existences.

I lay in bed, sighing and panting, as if I had another 'out of body' experience. It was such a relief to see my own hand in front of my eyes, and to realise I had regained consciousness again, and to realise that it was all just a dream. A terrible dream.

Outside it poured with rain.

Something weird

I went to work this morning, having had not such a good night's sleep. Woke up a abit moody, and not at all looking forward to the day. Not even after a shower.

When I got to the office, it got a bit better, and I did a few good hours of more website building, until after 1pm or so, and decided it was time for lunch and a walk. So took a break and went outside for fresh air, thinking I'd get back into the office and start to finally work on my thesis.

So I sat down, and started to read this book I had borrowed already for three weeks but never had the "chance" (read: mood) to read. After around twenty pages or so, I started feeling drowsy, and really sleepy. The sun was shining and it was boiling hot, since my office is on the top floor.

"Time for a nap" my mind thought to myself. "What?! Here at work? Impossible! Ridiculous!"

But it was tempting. My office is pretty big, and very roomy, and there's just me there during the summer period. And it's at the back of the building, on the top floor, so not many (if any!) people ever go there. "Nobody has to know..." my mind kept saying to me.

It was very quiet, as if the whole building was deserted. If anyone were to come to the office, they'd first have to come through a door, and walk up a flight of stairs. "You'd be awake before anyone makes it up the stairs!" my mind consoled me, and tempted me further into napping.

So... I set the alarm for around 15 minutes, grabbed my thin summer coat, and just plopped myself down in one corner of the room, where it was cool and a bit darker. Closed my eyes, and just napped.

At first, I was still a bit uneasy, worried that I might fall asleep too soundly and wake up to see people standing over me and watching me. But I was paranoid, and reminded myself there was noone around, and that I'd hear people if they were really to come up the stairs. So I closed mys eyes, and just napped.

The alarm rang... but I pressed the snooze button, not once, but three times. When I finally decided to wake up, it was already 3pm. Feeling refreshed and somewhat 'proud' that I managed to pull this funny trick at work, I went back to working on my thesis. But then it was soon time to go home.

Another productive day... Well, at least that's the one crazy thing I promised myself I must do everyday.

Work, work, work!

I really should be working, but I feel restless and wanting to go out all the time.

I remember telling myself on the train journey back home that I'd had enough relaxation and fun for two weeks, and that it was time to get back to work. I did get back to work, but 'work work', which I officially started last week, and not any school work! So one day came, and went, and another, came and went, and another. Already one week after I returned, and I've not done anything at all on my thesis. The last save date of my writings on my computer was exactly one month ago!

Feeling somehow very little motivation to work on the thesis, even though I know I must get a move on. Instead, I've just been distracting myself and telling myself there's always tomorrow, and the day after tomorrow. Frustrating.

I go to the office every single day, and I'd rather be doing my office work than my school work... So I've been busy doing the kind of things that interns do, and most of all building this great new website for my office. It's pretty exciting stuff, and I could just spend hours fidgeting this and that to perfect the site, or do other errands that they ask me to do. I guess my colleagues are impressed with me, and the way I work so efficiently and quickly... but oh how I wish I could put the same amount of effort into thesis writing!

And after an eight-hour day at work, you just want to unwind and not think of anything else. I thought to myself I could still get myself to read and write stuff for my thesis, but when I get home I'm just so tired, that I want to sleep.

Funny though, because when I see the sunset outside my window, all that tiredness goes away, and all I want to do is cycle to the beach and walk around for hours and hours. Hours I could have spent writing and working on my thesis! But instead, I spend them, watching the waves, admiring the clouds, and bidding farewell to the shy setting sun...