Choral Fantasy

One of my favourite classical choral pieces of all times... (performance by the Berliner Philharmoniker, conducted by Claudio Abbado)

Text is a poem called "Fantasie" by Christoph Kuffner. 
Schmeichelnd hold und lieblich klingen
Unsers Lebens Harmonien,
Und dem Schönheitssinn entschwingen
Blumen sich, die ewig blühn.

Fried und Freude gleiten freundlich,
Wie der Wellen Wechselspiel.
Was sich drängte rauh und feindlich,
ordnet sich zu Hochgefühl.

Wenn der Töne Zauber walten
Und des Wortes Weihe spricht,
Muß sich Herrliches gestalten,
Nacht und Stürme werden Licht.

Äuß're Ruhe, inn're Wonne
Herrschen für den Glücklichen,
Doch der Künste Frühlingssonne
Läßt aus Leiden Licht entstehn.

Großes, das ins Herz gedrungen,
Blüht dann neu und schön empor,
Hat ein Geist sich aufgeschwungen,
Hallt ihm stets ein Geisterchor.

Nehmt denn hin, ihr schönen Seelen,
Froh die Gaben schöner Kunst!
Wenn sich Lieb' und Kraft vermählen,
Lohnt dem Menschen Götter Gunst.

(english translation)

Flatteringly sweet and lovely ring out
our lives' harmonies,
and from our sense of beauty arise
flowers that eternally bloom.

Peace and joy move together,
like the alternating play of waves;
that which seemed harsh and hostile,
transforms itself into inspiration.

When music's magic holds sway,
and poetry's sacredness speaks out,
magnificent things must take form,
night and storms turn into light.

Outer calm, inner joy,
prevail for the happy person;
indeed, the arts' spring sunshine
lets, from sorrow, light come into being.

Greatness, that was deep in the heart,
blooms anew then, reaching up beautifully;
if a spirit rises up,
it is always echoed by a chorus of spirits.

Therefore accept, you lovely souls,
happily, the gifts of beautiful art.
If love and power join together,
humanity is rewarded by the gods' favor.

Plans

"Don't worry. I believe that because you're so caring, Buddha will protect me..." mum said. She sounded normal, though there was a hint of tiredness in her voice. Just yesterday she had the invitro chemo removed, and she said she's slowly recovering from the poisonous cocktails. It takes time, and she's feeling weak and miserable, but better than yesterday at least. It takes time to recover, and then comes another session in less than two weeks. Each time, more and more cells are being killed off. Both the bad and healthy ones.

I guess the fact that I will be with her at the end of the month made her feel happy. Or at least have something to look forward to. We talked a bit about plans for the coming weeks, and I asked about the possibility of her going to Europe to recuperate for a month or so. My plan is to join her, be with her, and possibly, if she's up to it, take her on trips to see the lavenders of southern France... so that when she sees the sea of purple and lilac, she can forget, even if only for one moment, that she is a cancer patient.

All that is still uncertain, and will have to wait. She wasn't sure about the exact dates yet, but she said she is hopeful. "I want to, and my will is strong," she said. Through the darkest of times, it is hopes that keep people afloat, and I would like to believe that this is one of those circumstances.

So as so often I am still taking a 'wait-and-see' approach. How I wish I could just decide on a date, book something and not have to think about things too much. Like friends of mine, with their well thought out travel dates and holiday plans... I often wonder how they can plan ahead and have everything so figured out. How one can plan everything down to the flights one is
taking or the number of days one is staying somewhere before jetting off to another destination.

Isn't life so much simpler, and in many ways cheaper too, without having to deal with sudden changes and associated fees and expenses?

Back to normal

I feel my mood sinking these days, and the anxieties are mounting. Maybe it's the fact that I know that in less than two weeks I will be packing my bags and leaving again. That really makes me feel unsettled and short for time, especially given the many things I still have to do before the long trip.
But I think there may be something fundamentally missing from my life.

Sure I have good friends, friends I get together occassionally with to have fun, to chat and have a good laugh. But at the end of the day when I go home, there's that emptiness and loneliness at home, one that even my cat, however loving and affectionate she is, cannot fill.

I want something more... more affection, more intimacy, more connection than just simple laughs and chitchats, with someone I feel for, and who feels the same (or more) back. Someone who can challenge me, who can inspire and stimulate me, instead of unloading me with the repetitive gossip or complaints about this or that person in thw small circle of friends. Someone who can make me feel like I want to get up in the morning and start everyday new and fresh. Someone I can turn to after a long day, and be next to, even if we say nothing at all.

But it seems that it may be selfish to want to depend all those wants in another person. True happiness comes from within, not from without, as I've been told too often. And beside, I'm too often travelling around these days I cannot settle down, cannot find the time or mood to find someone to develop the kind of relationship with I long for.

And if I do come across someone special, will I feel really happier?

Full body scanner

A body scanner at Schiphol Airport in Amsterdam.

At the moment I'm researching and writing an article on the full body scanner and its use and effectiveness at airports across North America and Europe. The body scanner came to the limelight after the foiled bombing of a Detroit-bound flight. The response of dozens of airports is a sudden rush to introduce the new imaging technology as part of passenger security screening.

So far, I've done much research on the legal implications of the use of the full body scanner. There is no doubt that the scanned images of passengers are a clear infringement of privacy. Sometimes the black-and-white images even reveal clearly breasts, genitalia and very personal details about one's medical condition--such as implants, pacemakers and urinal bags. As one US-based civil rights union calls it, the body scanner is a virtual strip search.

Authorities like the US' Transport Security Administration have publicly announced that there are procedures and measures built in to minimise breaches of privacy. Even so, the Government Accountability Office, a congressional watchdog, has warned that the TSA has not undergone enough practical testing to demonstrate the effectiveness of the expensive new measures, nor undergone a full cost-benefit analysis prior to the deployment of new body scanners.

In Europe, the Netherlands and the UK were the first ones to install the machines. Whereas in the former country, the body scanner is an optional alternative to a patdown, in the UK one must go through the body scanner or prepare to leave the airport. This has caused some uproar when two Muslim woman were turned away from their flights for refusing to undergo body scanning on religious reasons. The European Parliament is still researching the privacy implications and effectiveness of the body scanner, and is soon expected to publish a report that may form the basis of a common approach to the matter within the European Union.

But I can find no legal precedence which says that the government cannot perform a search of passengers or their belongings, however intrusive the search may be. Security has always been a key public interest, and often the courts are not hesitant to defer to the importance of safeguarding security, even at the expense of the rights and interests of private citizens.

Just came across this web-site which has some (vehemently) anti-body scanner clips and posters.

Graduation

It's not my first 'graduation dinner' of my current studies at McGill (but hopefully it'll be my last...). There's a strange tradition at our institute of giving students the honours of being accepted to the McGill family even before they have finished the exams or completed the thesis. And since I'm still making excuses not to complete the latter, I technically have not yet graduated.

Even so, graduation dinner is always a good opportunity to dine at the posh falcuty club, and to get together with friends, old and new. Three hours of speeches, applauses, laughs and fine dining and wine later, what impressed me most was the question which came back again and again from people I spoke to: "So what are you doing next?"

Not sure. But of course I can't say that. What I did say was that I am in the process of completing my thesis, and that there've been events recently that have slowed down my progress, but hopefully I should be done by year's end. But I guess that's the short term goal, and what most people mean by "what next" is the long term career plans.

Again, not sure. I look around the room of professors, of professionals, of high-flying lawyers (literally, as it was full of air lawyers...), of chairs and members of this and that prestigeous council or association, of well paid employees of this renowned institution or organisation. They all seem to have an impressive CV and wealth of experiences... And I am still stuck wondering what to put on the next page of my thesis... I feel like I cannot compare, can never compare to them.

Not that comparing is healthy... but just, as the keynote speaker said, I don't know what drives me, what interests me so much that I am willing for the next years or even decades to dedicate my life doing. What fills me with passion, what can make me fulfilled and so captured that can make me wake up every morning filled with the same rejuviant sense of pride and drive that will carry me through each and every day? I guess writing comes close to that... and travelling too. Writing and travelling to see the world and its peoples inspires and touches me deeply. But can I really make a "career" out of it? Is it not more than a hobby or past-time, something someone would do besides the hectic life of 'real' work and toil at a desk from 9 to 5 (or later) day in, day out?

I do not know, and I have not known for perhaps always... Hence when people ask, I look nervous and answer back that I am still considering options. I guess staying in school, or at least not grauating keeps me safe and sheltered from having to really decide, to really commit and face the 'real' world of work and life...

But I can't do this forever. I cannot postpone graduating and having a "career" indefinitely without a steady income to sustain myself (and cat...).

Stable

I didn't really sleep much or well last night, as normally before sleeping I'd call my mum. But last night I couldn't reach her. I called repeatedly, home and her mobile, but noone picked up. I knew that she was due for a checkup at the hospital.

So as I lay in bed, I thought of the things that may have happened... and at one point I got really sad and anxious, imagining the worst, imaging that I may have to grab my suitcase and just board the next flight. I've done in before recently, and it could very well happen. But thinking it made me so tired, so dreading it if that were the case... I guess the tiredness drained me and I fell asleep, while shadows played outside the window.

And I finally managed to reach mum this morning. She said she was indeed at the hospital, and before that she had been doing errands, and after the checkup she went for a massage. I guess she didn't have her phone with her, but the important thing is that she is safe and well.

And the good news is that her condition is now stable. The latest blood test revealed that the cancer index has gone done to around 5, which is the standard level for someone who smokes (someone who is healthy is usually around 3; whereas above ten indicates there is cancer present in the body, in the twenties indicates the cancer is spreading...).

This is a dramatic improvement, given that back in October is was close to 19! It means that mum is responding well to her treatment, which is excellent news! :)

As we were talking on the phone, she got another phone on the mobile, and she said she needed to go. It was a visitor who had come to see how she's doing. She was really happy to see this person, which is good, because it cheers her up even more.

Come with me....

I didn't manage to reach my mum on the phone, and she was supposed to start chemo this week. And when I took a nap this afternoon, I dreamed of her...

I saw her from the corner of my eyes, her feet first through the door opened ajar. I looked up, and it was mum, dressed in gray trousers and long sleeves. She looked tired, and her hair was uncombed. "Mum!" I called out, and lept forward to hug her. We hugged tightly, and she leaned her face closer. Next to my ear she whispered, "When you go back to study in Canada, can you take me with you?"

"Of course!" I said, "I had wanted that for a long time". I felt overjoyed, happy that finally she would come and see where I live, see where I've settled down and get to know the new life that I have begun in Canada all by myself.

It was then that I realised that her skin was dry was dry, her eyes were gray and old, and her hair, what remained of it, looked charred and old. She smiled at my reply, but she felt weak in my arms...