29 December 2006

Rejection


I feel uneasy. That gift, all wrapped-up and shining and waiting at my door was still at my door when I got home this evening. I had more or less decided what to do when I left a few days ago to Strasbourg. And just now I went to see my brother and thanked him for the gift, but then told him that I don’t want to accept it.

He said nothing. At least not to me, and just mumbled something to his girlfriend, shaking his head at the same time. As if what I just did was the most unbelievable thing in the world. And that made me feel like the guilty one.

Moments later, the girlfriend came to see me, and started off with chit-chat. But as was expected asked why I don’t want the gift. I said it loud and clear: why give me a gift when you don’t even treat me like a normal person throughout the year? Is this one gift now supposed to make that all better?

But now, thinking back, and looking at the gift on the corridor, I feel bad. Am I a terrible person to turn down someone’s good-will? Why am I not grateful for what I can receive, but instead so full of anger and stubbornness? Am I not foolishly standing by ‘principles’, but unable to see that someone is trying to reach out? It’s just a gift… but behind it, and accepting it, means so much more. Or am I just making things more complicated and guilty of ruining what little is left of our relationship?

Torn.

Home again

(For more pictures, go here!)

I'm going to miss the way he hugs me. The way he makes babbly baby sounds close to my ear, and most of all, I'll miss falling asleep next to his soft, warm breathing.

Maybe Sunny will wake up and wonder where that 'stranger' went. The one who's been bathing him, pampering him in the last couple of days, and picking him up into the air with his arms spread wide open like a free, soaring bird.

How quickly the last couple of days went. Unwillingly, I left Strasbourg at sevenish in the morning, when the rest of the world seemed still sound asleep. It was freezing cold, and though it hasn't snowed yet, the damp dew covered the forests and meadows outside the window with a coating of white. A winter wonderland, full of magic, full of surprises.


I didn't do much actually, besides eat and take things slow and easy. I did some shopping rounds for my friend, at the usually 'hyper-market' Auchan, and even popped over to Germany to store up on baby food and diapers. The little town of Kehl doesn't have much attractions to visit, but prices are sometimes half that compared to France. I even found the play-thing I wanted to get Sunny but got stolen in Brussels. His mum was overjoyed when she saw what I bought (again!), since it was exactly what she had been planning to buy as well.

After a half-hour of assembly, the baby-gym was ready, and Sunny was put to the test. It's quite a fun toy, he seemed to love it the moment he got his eyes and hands laid on the animated figures and stuffed animals suspended on an arch in mid-air. I watched him play, giggle and fidget with his hands and legs. In his cute little outfits, he looked so innocent, so vulnerable, yet somehow seemed to radiate with such life and love.


Though all of that didn't make the thoughts of two looming exams and a paper due next week go completely away. Even though I had my books with me, it was only until this morning in the train that I started studying. But pub-crawling with my friend last night meant instead of absorbing the cases and judgements, I was more absorbed by sleep. With beautiful thoughts, of a beautiful baby I was leaving behind.

Arrived in Brussels around noon, and to be frank didn't feel like going home (just yet). It's really been a while since I bought anything for myself. Funny, the moment I walked through the door a few days ago, my mum-friend immediately noticed how 'smart' I look, and how firm my bum had become since we last met... I blushed, but then again she really is someone who knows the latest about fashion. Bright colours and accessories like a scarf and trendy belt, she's being saying to me ever since we've known each other. With that in mind, I ventured the streets and shops of Brussels and decided to be good to myself for a change. One shop had the slogan:
"Your clothes say who you are. What do you want them to say?"
Confident. Secure. Warm. Approachable. Lovable. That's what. As my wallet got a bit lighter, I could feel my lugguage and self-confidence get a bit weightier. Bought a couple of sweaters and jumpers, one pink, one snow-white with light horizontal green stripes, and another orange. And my tattered trousers I traded in for two pairs of slick, slim-waist jeans. I was smiling. It's almost the new year, and I guess it's time to make resolutions (again), to be more outgoing and self-loving. As much as I believe it's what's inside that matters, clothes do help.

The rest of the journey home was hectic. Again, like so many times before in Belgium, the train had problems and simply got cancelled. So hundreds of other passengers heading towards the Netherlands had to haul their lugguage up and down platforms, change and transfer and run and wait in the cold until finally after an hour a replacement train service came. It was packed, and I ended up riding two hours sitting by the door between two carriages, next to the toilet. It was loud, smelly, and there was no central heating.

But soon I was home again.

26 December 2006

Christmas in Strasbourg


I nearly tripped over a big present placed by my bedroom door when I woke up two days ago. I didn’t open it. Why give me a present when you don’t even have the decency to treat me, let alone speak to me, like a normal human being throughout the year? Is this one present supposed to make all those bad vibes, all the mess and temperaments go all away? I closed the door of my house behind me. The air was fresh, cold, and free.

The frozen forest floor and creeks rolled by, and trees were sprinkled with fine powders of white. The train chugged through the mountains, sometimes slow, sometimes speeding along passed quaint little villages and valleys in the picturesque landscape of northern Europe, toward Strasbourg, toward my home for the next few days.






It wasn’t a smooth journey to start with. When transferring in Brussels, someone took my a piece of my luggage ‘without asking’. A few days ago a friend of mine got robbed of everything in Belgium too, and I had promised myself to be more careful. But alas! It was the biggest and most beautiful one, all wrapped up and shining in green paper, with colourful butterflies and ribbons. Inside was a toy for baby Sunny, a play-mat the baby can lie on and exercise his hands and fingers on the rattling puppets and balls that are suspended in mid-air. I was upset for a few moments, wondering what bad things are coming my way. Once I settled into my seat, my mind settled too. Maybe I deserved this bad karma, for the way I reacted to the good-intentions of my brother earlier in the morning. Besides, someone, somewhere will be happy…




It’s been more than six months since I was last here. And how baby Sunny has grown! Before he couldn’t even sit up, and his neck wasn’t stiff enough to support his head. The moment I entered, his mum greeted me with Sunny in her arms. He was a little bedazzled, perhaps shocked to feel the cold cheeks of this stranger who had just walked through the door, and entered his world. Yet soon, as I held him in my arms, in his eyes was a look as if he knows me, as if he remembers. Those two months before, and after, his birth were worth it. Later I heard from his mum that whenever strangers hold him, Sunny would start crying and kicking. But in my arms he was quiet, still… and warmed me.

I’ve been playing and lying around him a lot in the past few days, admiring him, teasing him, adoring him, while reconnecting with his mum. He likes to flap his arms around, to feel and put anything and everything into his mouth. Somehow he has this fascination with my watch, and it tickles whenever he’s little hands and little fingers latch and fumble around my wrist. He likes to poke, to scratch and grab. “Aslon… Aslon…”, you call, and he answers by turning to look at you, with deep innocent eyes. He can’t walk yet, but if you hold him by the arms, he can just about stand. His legs would kick and try to stand up straight, before his wobbly knees send his chubby little body jiggling and wriggling in a baby dance.

He can already babble, gargle, and giggle. When you pull faces at him, he smiles and laughs and sometimes even rewards you with a show of support by clapping his hands and feet together. His laugh can melt your heart, make you smile and forget the troubles of the world. An adorable little being, full of life, full of love, and so much more. Sometimes he’d clamber onto my chest, flap around a bit, stare into my eyes, and mumble before falling asleep. I’d close eyes too, close my arms around him, and dream. The soft, warm feel of his breathing so very soothing.

My friend has had it rough in the last few months, having to juggle studies with a baby, but despite the dark rings around her eyes from the lack of sleep, I’m glad she and Sunny have managed to do so well, together. She kept on thanking me, saying how she and Sunny couldn’t have made it without me. But I just smile, and blush. I did what I could, and nothing more.

Christmas day we went to a friends place for lunch. There was so much food, and wonderful wine, and tonnes of chocolates and local delicacies to be had. A decorated tree stood in the corner, its base brimming with gifts. Two little boxes, and an oil painting, were for me. My friend had done a beautiful portrait of my sweet cat. Carefully I opened one of the little boxes, to reveal a sleeping angel, its face tranquil, serene and peaceful.

“That’s you, Dave. You’re our angel.” I smiled and blushed, and felt my insides swell with indescribable feelings. For a moment it was as if I could feel the tears, too, swell.

The next box came as an even bigger surprise. Under soft, satin cloth was a glistening expensive watch. Speechless, I was, and wondered what I ever did to deserve such a precious gift, and so much more from my friend.

In return, I gave her what little I could afford.

A hug.

25 December 2006

And so this is Christmas...




And so this is Christmas

So this is Christmas
And what have you done
Another year over
A new one just begun
And so this is Christmas
I hope you have fun
The near and the dear ones
The old and the young

A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear

And so this is Christmas
For weak and for strong
For rich and the poor ones
The war is so long
And so happy Christmas
For black and for white
For yellow and red ones
Let's stop all the fight

A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear

And so this is Christmas
And what have we done
Another year over
A new one just begun
And so happy Christmas
We hope you have fun
The near and the dear ones
The old and the young

A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear And so this is Christmas
And what have we done
Another year over
A new one just begun


(John Lennon)