Why do I feel 'guilty' to be happy? Guilty to be laughing out loud, to be joking with friends and colleagues, when just a few moments before I was so close to tears from listening to mum and her worries. Is it hypocritical to be laughing out loud, when a few moments earlier you were so weighed down and troubled?
Or maybe it's just a game of charades I'm playing. A masquerade of changing faces and masks to hide my feelings to other people, and to myself...
08 April 2011
Results....
Just this morning, a friend asked how my mum is doing. "As long as she's hanging in there, that's good. You never know what may happen."
On the phone a few moments later, mum sounded a bit quiet as she talked about her day at the doctor's. This is a doctor who she has known for a number of years, and who advocates 'alternative' treatment over western medicine. Mum showed him her latest medical report, and yes there is indeed a tumour in a section of the spine, and very likely another one in the lower back. The 'alternative' doctor said surgical removal will be very hard for mum to handle, especially at her age, but recommends she take some medicine and under go electrotherapy.
Mum has not decided yet what to do, and she has a number she can call when she starts to lose the mobility of her left arm, because that's when things get very serious and surgery is critical to prevent whole body paralysis.
Whether it'll get to that point, if ever, nobody knows. But it's a possibly, a dark fear and worry that will always linger in the back of her mind, and mine...
On the phone a few moments later, mum sounded a bit quiet as she talked about her day at the doctor's. This is a doctor who she has known for a number of years, and who advocates 'alternative' treatment over western medicine. Mum showed him her latest medical report, and yes there is indeed a tumour in a section of the spine, and very likely another one in the lower back. The 'alternative' doctor said surgical removal will be very hard for mum to handle, especially at her age, but recommends she take some medicine and under go electrotherapy.
Mum has not decided yet what to do, and she has a number she can call when she starts to lose the mobility of her left arm, because that's when things get very serious and surgery is critical to prevent whole body paralysis.
Whether it'll get to that point, if ever, nobody knows. But it's a possibly, a dark fear and worry that will always linger in the back of her mind, and mine...
04 April 2011
Bedbugs!
I can't believe within one day of moving, my former flatmate already has serious issues with her new place.
Just out of courtesy I asked her yesterday how her new apartment is, and then came two messages telling me that there is a bedbug infestation. Not just that, she implied that the problem came from my apartment, and that the bedbugs followed her there. I really wonder how anyone be so insensitive and not realise what kind of very personal accusation it is to imply I'm partly the reason for her latest bites and itchiness.
Once more, i know for sure I made the right decsion in asking her to move, and whatever happens now is no longer my concern. I think i have do en more than enough in the last couple of months to accommodate her demanding nature and her ability to take so many things for granted. Maybe now that she's on her own, she'll realise what she had and how I helped her when she was in need, at times even to the detriment of my own living space and comfort.
I have already had enough, and all I can and ever want to do now is wish her luck. Nothing more, nothing less, for I owe her nothing.
Just out of courtesy I asked her yesterday how her new apartment is, and then came two messages telling me that there is a bedbug infestation. Not just that, she implied that the problem came from my apartment, and that the bedbugs followed her there. I really wonder how anyone be so insensitive and not realise what kind of very personal accusation it is to imply I'm partly the reason for her latest bites and itchiness.
Once more, i know for sure I made the right decsion in asking her to move, and whatever happens now is no longer my concern. I think i have do en more than enough in the last couple of months to accommodate her demanding nature and her ability to take so many things for granted. Maybe now that she's on her own, she'll realise what she had and how I helped her when she was in need, at times even to the detriment of my own living space and comfort.
I have already had enough, and all I can and ever want to do now is wish her luck. Nothing more, nothing less, for I owe her nothing.
At home
The living room, washroom and kitchen looks clean and organised. I even took off the window nets to give them a good scrub and remove all the dust and cobwebs that have collected over the winter. Except for my room and the room where my flatmate used to live in, my house looks descent and comfortable to live in. I'll get to those rooms once she actually moves all her stuff out for good.
My friends came over two days in a row in the evenings, and we ate, drank and laughed the nights away in one another's merry company. For many moments I felt so blessed to be surrounded by such good friends, to be living in a community of friends who get along, and who can just pop over to one another's houses at any moment's notice. I felt so free, so uninhibited, now that the flatmate has moved away, and I think everyone else finds the the joy and liberation in the absence of the invisible yet somewhat indescribable discomfort of my ex-flatmate's presence.
This is what I came back to Canada... For this sense of belonging, sense of comfort and warmth in my own home, where I feel at ease and at home. It is in such an environment that I can focus on my own life and studies, and reassure my mum that there is little she has to worry about, for I have great friends, a sweet cat and a loving and caring boyfriend, from all of whom I receive the invaluable gift of laughter to brighten up my days.
My friends came over two days in a row in the evenings, and we ate, drank and laughed the nights away in one another's merry company. For many moments I felt so blessed to be surrounded by such good friends, to be living in a community of friends who get along, and who can just pop over to one another's houses at any moment's notice. I felt so free, so uninhibited, now that the flatmate has moved away, and I think everyone else finds the the joy and liberation in the absence of the invisible yet somewhat indescribable discomfort of my ex-flatmate's presence.
This is what I came back to Canada... For this sense of belonging, sense of comfort and warmth in my own home, where I feel at ease and at home. It is in such an environment that I can focus on my own life and studies, and reassure my mum that there is little she has to worry about, for I have great friends, a sweet cat and a loving and caring boyfriend, from all of whom I receive the invaluable gift of laughter to brighten up my days.
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