"Buddha, Dhamma, Sangha, Metta..." The meditation sala reverberated with the sound of our song to the tune of Pachebel. It was a powerful, emotional experience after ten days of observing complete silence.
The retreat came to an end. But was it an end or just the beginning of something? One by one, we shared our personal experiences of our time here...
A common theme of gratitude echoed in our closing ceremony, as each of us appreciated how, even in complete silence, there was such harmony, such understanding and compassion. It showed in little ways... In our silent nods, in our smiles in the corridor, in the way we quietly went about our lives in this shared space and yet respected one another's need and desire for silence. In silence, we hear our deepest thoughts. In silence, we notice how so little is said with so much in our daily lives.
We shared these last ten days together, strangers at first, yet we have grown and developed together and become friends in the Dhamma. We may come from all walks of life, from all over the world, but something brought us together. It was this unique sanctuary that has been built up from the generosity of countless supporters. It was the guidance and stewardship of resident monastics that united us all in the comfortable, serene "palace in the forest". And it was our shared faith in the teachings of the Buddha, who over two and a half millennia ago already understood and taught that all life is shared through common experiences of aversion and attachment, of experiencing birth, ageing, illness and death.
We may all have our own personal stories and burdens which we carry with us. Loss of a loved one, death of a sister, a child's worry about his mother's ailing health, stresses and tensions at work, coming to terms with the 'mistakes' and 'wrongs' of the past, realising how much you have fooled yourself and others all these years... in the end, it all comes down to the human experience of grief and pain, longing and desires, dissatisfaction and regret. In the end, all it comes down to is how our minds meet and perceive the challenges and difficulties in life.
An end could be a beginning, a beginning could mean the end. The retreat is officially over, and tomorrow we will go our separate ways, return to our lives and worldly affairs. But we do so with a lighter heart, with a clearer mind, and with the experience and knowledge that there is joy to be enjoyed in each and every moment if only we allow our minds to see it, to realise it. Life can be simple, pure and clean, or it can be filled with fetters, worries and burdens. However you perceive it, however you live it, it all comes down to attitude.
The abbot shared with us a Japanese poem from his days as a hermit. A beautiful flower, so magnificent and perfect, was seen by one person hidden behind a boulder. "blooming in glory, unnoticed in fame". We can be like that little flower too. Others may not notice the efforts we have made to work on ourselves, but it will show and radiate in our smiles, in invisible the sense of our tranquility and collectedness.
We have all made sacrifices to take ten days out of our lives to be here, to strive at perhaps the most difficult task of all in this world, which is to look inward and to tame our minds. Some may scoff at us for being insane, for being out of touch with the world and what is real. But what we have discovered, what we have realised that is far more valuable than gold is the silence and peace of the mind when you are living, being in this very moment.
Hopefully this realisation will remain with us, and as we go back home, go back to our friends and families, we can share some of that lightness of feeling, some of that joy and clarity with those around us. It is a wonderful and most powerful gift, and yet it costs nothing.
23.48
We started by sharing the joy gazing up at the night sky, Identifying stars and constellations. But we ended up sharing life, touching each others hearts with life experiences and anecdotes. Talking and sharing with her warmed me , and she offered me a warm blanket to keep away the bitter cold.
Live, experience and discover the world, she advised me, and you will discover yourself. Travel, explore, dare, and you will challenge yourself and open your mind. Discover what you want, what you need and what makes you happy. Because there is nothing else in life but to enjoy yourself and what you're doing, and enjoy the person you are with.
If you're in a situation where you're not happy, get out, change- either the situation, or if you can't, change the way you perceive it. No experience is ever wasted, nothing is ever a failure. If it doesn't not work out, learn from it, grow from the experience and move on, prepared by the experience and lesson you've just had before.
Let go of negative influences, negative emotions, negative reactions. free yourself and you will be free, feel free, and feel like there is so much the world has to offer, whereas you've only scratched a tiny bit of what is out there. And sitting under the stars, watching the universe change and twinkle and meteors flash by, we both were humbled by how small we are, and how little we know...
From family to relationships, from life outlooks to our shared inspiration from Buddhism, we chatted and chatted till we were both shivering and realised we have only five hours (or less!!) to sleep.
"If you want out and can, get out.
If you want out but can't, stay in."
01 October 2011
30 September 2011
A minute
(from a dhamma talk by Ajahn Sona)
A minute, though short, can be a transformative moment. How often have you experienced or heard of how a person is changed for life by one single experience? A kind word, a harsh word, a brush with death, a touch of love... They can all change a person so quickly and so profoundly.
And so too can a minute of real peace, real serenity, change our minds and lives. Even if in the ten days we have been on this retreat, or in our entire existence on this world, we experience one single minute that tells us that there is indeed a sense of liberation and lightness, other than being chained by troubles and burdened by negativities, that alone is enough to make us change, make us strive to be a better person, to strive for a better life infused with spirituality and mental development.
Unfortunately, most of the time our minds and lives are entangled in thought, lost in reliving memories and deluded by imaginary projections.
How often are we obsessed with the future? How often are we preoccupied by the past? It is only human, so it is pointless to fault ourselves for it. It is our conditioned way of thinking and being to long for something we have lost, to cling onto something we experienced before, to live with regret and remorse why that beautiful experience in the past did not last...
The past does not exist (note the present tense), for it is only a fabrication of what we (choose to) remember (or not). once gone, it can never return, can never be saved or savoured again. Do not just try to untangle the knots, but cut off the past, and live for the now, live for what you have now right now, right here. Nothing else matters, and you free yourself from the heavy, heavy burden of loss, regret and clinging.
It is also human to dream of a better place, to imagine better conditions of being, to escape into the infinite possibilities of the future. But the future is yet to come, yet to be determined by our present actions and thoughts, and all subject to change and unpredictability.
So why fill our minds with regret and sense of loss, or fill our minds with made up fantasies and daydreams? Why live with memories of the past and imaginations of what could have been, when you are missing the beauty, peace and very existence that can be enjoyed in the very present?
We are all guilty of it, of wanting to relive the past, of longing for a better future... But often the most beautiful is the moment all around us, and the people we have before us. Take a moment, one single moment, one single minute of silence, and try to realise real peace, real happiness.
Relish the moment here and now, take in the each moment that comes and goes, and live it in the fullest, the best, the greatest way you possible can. That is real living, that is real being, and that is the key to real happiness and freedom from longing and from fear.
It really is not hard to live a light and simple life. It really is not hard to relish in every moment and enjoy the presence of everyone person you have around you now. It is much harder to want something you cannot have, to change things you cannot change. So why go though life and spend your moments weighed down by longing, desires and regret when you can live with contentment, appreciation and In celebration of what you do have?
When we live this seclusion and serenity of the monastery, take these realizations and truths with you. Meditation is not just sitting down and being isolated from everything and everyone else. The real practice, the real test, is living out in the real world, dealing with all the people and emotions that cross our paths from moment to moment.
But when you remind yourself every single moment that a moment is just a moment that will come and go, you learn to really live in and experience freedom and happiness.
A minute, though short, can be a transformative moment. How often have you experienced or heard of how a person is changed for life by one single experience? A kind word, a harsh word, a brush with death, a touch of love... They can all change a person so quickly and so profoundly.
And so too can a minute of real peace, real serenity, change our minds and lives. Even if in the ten days we have been on this retreat, or in our entire existence on this world, we experience one single minute that tells us that there is indeed a sense of liberation and lightness, other than being chained by troubles and burdened by negativities, that alone is enough to make us change, make us strive to be a better person, to strive for a better life infused with spirituality and mental development.
Unfortunately, most of the time our minds and lives are entangled in thought, lost in reliving memories and deluded by imaginary projections.
How often are we obsessed with the future? How often are we preoccupied by the past? It is only human, so it is pointless to fault ourselves for it. It is our conditioned way of thinking and being to long for something we have lost, to cling onto something we experienced before, to live with regret and remorse why that beautiful experience in the past did not last...
The past does not exist (note the present tense), for it is only a fabrication of what we (choose to) remember (or not). once gone, it can never return, can never be saved or savoured again. Do not just try to untangle the knots, but cut off the past, and live for the now, live for what you have now right now, right here. Nothing else matters, and you free yourself from the heavy, heavy burden of loss, regret and clinging.
It is also human to dream of a better place, to imagine better conditions of being, to escape into the infinite possibilities of the future. But the future is yet to come, yet to be determined by our present actions and thoughts, and all subject to change and unpredictability.
So why fill our minds with regret and sense of loss, or fill our minds with made up fantasies and daydreams? Why live with memories of the past and imaginations of what could have been, when you are missing the beauty, peace and very existence that can be enjoyed in the very present?
We are all guilty of it, of wanting to relive the past, of longing for a better future... But often the most beautiful is the moment all around us, and the people we have before us. Take a moment, one single moment, one single minute of silence, and try to realise real peace, real happiness.
Relish the moment here and now, take in the each moment that comes and goes, and live it in the fullest, the best, the greatest way you possible can. That is real living, that is real being, and that is the key to real happiness and freedom from longing and from fear.
It really is not hard to live a light and simple life. It really is not hard to relish in every moment and enjoy the presence of everyone person you have around you now. It is much harder to want something you cannot have, to change things you cannot change. So why go though life and spend your moments weighed down by longing, desires and regret when you can live with contentment, appreciation and In celebration of what you do have?
When we live this seclusion and serenity of the monastery, take these realizations and truths with you. Meditation is not just sitting down and being isolated from everything and everyone else. The real practice, the real test, is living out in the real world, dealing with all the people and emotions that cross our paths from moment to moment.
But when you remind yourself every single moment that a moment is just a moment that will come and go, you learn to really live in and experience freedom and happiness.
29 September 2011
Wandering mind
How the mind changes so quickly, from day to day, from moment to moment!
Just yesterday I was so sure, so determined to go home and spend some time with mum. But today, while meditating, I was filled with doubts, hindrances, fears... What if I can't leave as intended? What if I can't return to Canada because I don't have a proper study permit? What if the plane crashes?
And I was questing myself: why am I really going home? To escape from montreal, to keep more distance and time away from my friend so he (and I) can sort our feelings out? Or to be with mum, to really spend some time with her, just with her, to give her a boost of encouragement a support before I leave again to ultimately start pursuing my own goals in life?
Doubts, questioning, different reasons why I should and should not go home... Fears, missed opportunities, what may be, fear of missing out and coming home two weeks later to learn that much has changed in my absence... Fear that mum would be more hurt than helped by me showing up and leaving again so soon...
Fear of the unknown... Fears, anxieties, uncertainties...
All the things that were not there yesterday, but somehow have surfaced to disturb my peace, to conquer my mind...
All the things that through this retreat and meditation, I am supposed to overcome.
18.16
Just because someone (good looking and kind) offers you a ride, doesn't mean you're going to get together settle down and live long, happy lives together as partners and Buddhists!
But that is the way the mind wonders... The mind Takes a gesture, a word, a symbol, a sign and adds on meanings, fantasies and day dreams that do not exist! It's scary when you realise that so much time and energy is wasted allowing the mind to wonder and to proliferate freely and fantastically...
Some thoughts are plain absurd, completely out of touch with reality, completely imaginations of what may be or could be, just based on what I perceive to be. The guy is probably not even gay for starters, but I'm already imagining how soft and gentle his touch must be, how caring and sensitive he must be, just based on what i've observed him doing over the last week or so...!
Ridiculous... But this is the nature of the mind- it has (literally) a mind of its own, likes to escape reality and dive deep into surreal, imaginative fabrications of what re world should be idealistically based on our deepest desires, fears and delusions. And good that I see it, can try to capture and tame the mind before it proliferates any more, before it gets any more lost and confused by what is real and what is imaginary. But just think how often we are lost in thoughts, lost in flights of fantasy, but do not realise it... Just think how often we may just do things without realising that we are perhaps influenced in our ways by our inherent "greed, hatred and delusion".
I see how dangerous it is that a word, a kind gesture, a move can be so misinterpreted and be used to fuel imaginary realities in the mind... Or it could be just the effects of delusions from deprived of sexual release for the past seven days.
20.38 (dharma talk by sister Mahn)
To a little child who is learning, you would not be too harsh or punish him for making a mistake or for wondering around. For the child to learn needs patience, encouragements, and equanimity.
It is the same with our minds... Our minds have been so conditioned to respond, to react, to have feelings of aversion, to have feelings longing and desire. But the mind can learn to just experience, to just be, to not have so many wandering thoughts, to have equanimity of feelings, to be unmoved by external factors and change that go on all around us.
The teachings Buddha are simple: there is suffering and discontent in all of us, but we can develop and let the happiness and calm that is also within all of us thrive. There is that potential in everyone, we just need patience, understanding and clarity to develop those potentials.
Like we eat a varied diet to maintain the health of our bodies, we must also have a varied practice of meditation to cultivate the health of our minds. Meditating on the breath is good to calm our minds and reach the here and now, but we can also cultivate loving kindness.
We can cultivate love and kindness for all beings, spread love and warmth to those closest to us, to our friends, and even to those we are in conflict with. Just the sending out love, compassion, and understanding from our minds is powerful enough to fill our hearts and minds with much calm and joy.
We can also develop calmness and clarity by meditating on death and impermanence. By reflecting in our minds that everything will die, everything will change, we free our minds from clinging and attachments, we allow ourselves to better see and experience this world as it really is, and not as we would like it to be- which is ultimately the cause of all our pain and suffering when what we want the world to be is not the way it really is.
Anyone can do this... Asian or white, male or female, old or young... And this retreat, with all these different people from different backgrounds coming together in one place for ten days is evidence of how we can all strive toward improving ourselves, and how we can, from experience, share that improvement with people around us.
We all posess that essential element of being human and being constantly subject to the changing nature of the world and of ourselves. We can look inward to find true calm, true peace and true happiness. We can experience the world and just be, but not be caught up with all the noise and bustle. This is the way to higher living, to living free from fear, and living with real joy and peace.
Just yesterday I was so sure, so determined to go home and spend some time with mum. But today, while meditating, I was filled with doubts, hindrances, fears... What if I can't leave as intended? What if I can't return to Canada because I don't have a proper study permit? What if the plane crashes?
And I was questing myself: why am I really going home? To escape from montreal, to keep more distance and time away from my friend so he (and I) can sort our feelings out? Or to be with mum, to really spend some time with her, just with her, to give her a boost of encouragement a support before I leave again to ultimately start pursuing my own goals in life?
Doubts, questioning, different reasons why I should and should not go home... Fears, missed opportunities, what may be, fear of missing out and coming home two weeks later to learn that much has changed in my absence... Fear that mum would be more hurt than helped by me showing up and leaving again so soon...
Fear of the unknown... Fears, anxieties, uncertainties...
All the things that were not there yesterday, but somehow have surfaced to disturb my peace, to conquer my mind...
All the things that through this retreat and meditation, I am supposed to overcome.
18.16
Just because someone (good looking and kind) offers you a ride, doesn't mean you're going to get together settle down and live long, happy lives together as partners and Buddhists!
But that is the way the mind wonders... The mind Takes a gesture, a word, a symbol, a sign and adds on meanings, fantasies and day dreams that do not exist! It's scary when you realise that so much time and energy is wasted allowing the mind to wonder and to proliferate freely and fantastically...
Some thoughts are plain absurd, completely out of touch with reality, completely imaginations of what may be or could be, just based on what I perceive to be. The guy is probably not even gay for starters, but I'm already imagining how soft and gentle his touch must be, how caring and sensitive he must be, just based on what i've observed him doing over the last week or so...!
Ridiculous... But this is the nature of the mind- it has (literally) a mind of its own, likes to escape reality and dive deep into surreal, imaginative fabrications of what re world should be idealistically based on our deepest desires, fears and delusions. And good that I see it, can try to capture and tame the mind before it proliferates any more, before it gets any more lost and confused by what is real and what is imaginary. But just think how often we are lost in thoughts, lost in flights of fantasy, but do not realise it... Just think how often we may just do things without realising that we are perhaps influenced in our ways by our inherent "greed, hatred and delusion".
I see how dangerous it is that a word, a kind gesture, a move can be so misinterpreted and be used to fuel imaginary realities in the mind... Or it could be just the effects of delusions from deprived of sexual release for the past seven days.
20.38 (dharma talk by sister Mahn)
To a little child who is learning, you would not be too harsh or punish him for making a mistake or for wondering around. For the child to learn needs patience, encouragements, and equanimity.
It is the same with our minds... Our minds have been so conditioned to respond, to react, to have feelings of aversion, to have feelings longing and desire. But the mind can learn to just experience, to just be, to not have so many wandering thoughts, to have equanimity of feelings, to be unmoved by external factors and change that go on all around us.
The teachings Buddha are simple: there is suffering and discontent in all of us, but we can develop and let the happiness and calm that is also within all of us thrive. There is that potential in everyone, we just need patience, understanding and clarity to develop those potentials.
Like we eat a varied diet to maintain the health of our bodies, we must also have a varied practice of meditation to cultivate the health of our minds. Meditating on the breath is good to calm our minds and reach the here and now, but we can also cultivate loving kindness.
We can cultivate love and kindness for all beings, spread love and warmth to those closest to us, to our friends, and even to those we are in conflict with. Just the sending out love, compassion, and understanding from our minds is powerful enough to fill our hearts and minds with much calm and joy.
We can also develop calmness and clarity by meditating on death and impermanence. By reflecting in our minds that everything will die, everything will change, we free our minds from clinging and attachments, we allow ourselves to better see and experience this world as it really is, and not as we would like it to be- which is ultimately the cause of all our pain and suffering when what we want the world to be is not the way it really is.
Anyone can do this... Asian or white, male or female, old or young... And this retreat, with all these different people from different backgrounds coming together in one place for ten days is evidence of how we can all strive toward improving ourselves, and how we can, from experience, share that improvement with people around us.
We all posess that essential element of being human and being constantly subject to the changing nature of the world and of ourselves. We can look inward to find true calm, true peace and true happiness. We can experience the world and just be, but not be caught up with all the noise and bustle. This is the way to higher living, to living free from fear, and living with real joy and peace.
28 September 2011
On reflections
When did it come to me? Was it in a moment of true clarity or make-believe clarity (ie confusion)?
I don't know. But at this very moment, I've decided that as soon as I finish my exam on Monday, I'm going to head home.
I want to see mum, I want to tell her that I love her, and care about her, in person, not over the phone. Over the past few weeks, I had this realisation that what I've been doing over the last three years or so has been wrong. I've been wanting to spend time with her, take care of her, thinking I can do that and that she will be happy with it.
But in truth, she will be happiest when I'm done with my thesis, when I'm starting my career, when I've completed my bar. She'll be happiest when she sees me settled down, and, as she said to me before, hopefully with someone who can take acre of me and give me much needed love and support. She will be happiest when i'm happy!
I want her to know that I realise that now... That I care about her deeply, and because of that I'm going to do what seems very counter-intuitive...
But aren't all wise things so unconventional and out of the ordinary frame of thinking? I'm going to live my life fully, so she can live hers too. And she needs to know that, hear that from me, in person...
9.39
Is it a curse or a blessing? If it hurts the people I meet, even if I never intend to hurt them and leave them thinking of me long after I have left their lives, then it's a curse. Or is it?
I've been told by many people that I'm 'special', that I touch people in a way that makes them feel special. I know I'm not an angel, and that like all human beings, I can be selfish, jealous and angry. But somehow, and I don't know if it's the way I behave, the things I say (or even write), the way I just am, seems to touch people. It's a powerful 'gift', if it cab be called that, and I'd like to hope I use it, and can use it, to bring goodness and warmth into people's hearts and lives... But what if I leave people wanting? What if somehow, without realizing it, I leave people longing and hoping for something and hurt them in the process?
Remember a few days ago I saw the face of the few people I went out with before? Suddenly, out of nowhere, I got an email from one of them. Was it sent on the day I sat there and meditated and saw his face appear before me? That would have been a bizarre coincidence, a strange connection of minds through distance and time...
He wrote to me, four years or so after our first meeting. He said he has been thinking of me recently, and that I've come in and out of his mind over the years since that day we met. It was his first date, and very special. I remember going out for dinner and to the movies i remember his face, and his firm handshake... I remember it was pleasant, and that I wanted to see him again, but we never did meet again after that. I know we met twice, but I don't remember how it all ended or why we didn't keep in touch any more. Was he waiting for me to write, and was I waiting for him to take the move...? And soon, though I don't remember how soon afterwards, I moved to Canada.
He said he could not forget about me, and he said I'm one of the most kind-hearted person he's ever met. And he wants closure. Since our meeting, i seem to have left a gap in his life and prevented him from moving forward. He wants to know what it was we were doing, why it was we even met... Was it out of 'charity', he called it, that I wrote to him and met him twice? Reading that, four years on, sent shivers down my spine...
Really, I don't remember, but I hate to think, to realise, that somehow we didn't keep in touch because I just didn't want to have anything to do with him anymore. Am I that mean? And again, going back to how I 'touch' people, did I realise how he was interested in me at the time? Did I realise the power I seem to have over some people, and did I abuse that power?
All I know was that I was young, we both were young, and I just wanted to meet new people, to find someone to relate to, to do things with, and if it clicks, to get an experience at romance, at love!
20.42
(from a dhamma talk by Ajahn Sona)
The Buddha didn't really preach and pluck commandments from the heavens. Instead he told us simple truths that we can all see and experience by ourselves.
And he told us to reflect on five simple realities often to free ourselves from suffering and living in fear...
Reflect on aging, for once we are born, we begin to age, to grow older... We see and experience first hand our wrinkles, our graying hair, our weakening bodies and energies. No pill, no insurance policy can prevent our aging.
reflect on illness, for no one is immune to falling ill. Whether it's a common cold, or a debilitating that causes you to lose the independence we take for granted... Too often we take for granted what this body does for us and must undergo, and one day, if we are not careful, it can become weakened or broken by something external or internal...
Reflect on loss, for we all grow attached to things, to people, but ultimately, whether within our control or beyond our control, we will lose what or whom we hold dear... Loss of a loved one, loss of a job, loss of an opportunity... All forms of loss can be difficult to overcome
Reflect on death, for we will all die, and we will all face death, from afar or see it in people around us... One day, we too will die. When or how, nobody knows.
And finally, reflect on taking accountability for your words, thoughts and deeds, for somehow everything will come back to you, in one way or another. Don't walk away from someone in anger. Don't lie or cheat because another person will never find out. Never think just because nobody knows, it does not matter, because you know, and whatever it is that you've done or thought will weigh heavily on your conscience. There may not be a god or deity to fear, but your own ease of sleep, the clarity and cleanliness of your mind and thoughts will cause you much restlessness and anxiety.
These are all important values and objects to reflect on to realise the fragility of your own life and your mind, and to relate to the fragility of the lives, wellbeing and thoughts of others.
By thinking about these things, by realising how we are always ao vulnerable and susceptible to these realities of aging, illness, loss and death, we humble ourselves and become more prepared for life and what it has in store for us. We are more in touch with reality, the true nature of things and of being, so that when something happens, we do not easily fall into despair, anger or frustration. Of course, it is only human to feel all those emotions, but we can mould the mind to not dwell too much in negative emotions, and to stay afloat, buoyed by the knowledge that all will pass, in times of facing harsh realities and the truth of life.
Why is it that we are often so confused, agitated and want to avoid reality? Why do we want to distract ourselves and keep ourselves busy and moving all the time? Because we are often afraid to face reality, and the disappointments it brings us when things do not go according to our wishes.
Meditation is a way to bringing us closer to this moment, to just being, and not doing. For in being, in calming the mind and trying to capture it before it flurries off into the past or the future, you are facing the ultimate reality... The ins and outs of the breaths that keep you alive, the pains and aches of the muscles and bones that you feel come and go, the intensity, rising and fading away of thoughts and desires that seem so real, yet can as quickly disappear as they came only to be replaced by another feeling or thought.
This world is only so much, this body of ours is only so frail and fragile. We are constantly subject to relentless change and unpredictability.
But we can develp the mind, cultivate joy and serenity to allow the mind to be more accepting and open to the realities of the world and the changes beyond our control.
I don't know. But at this very moment, I've decided that as soon as I finish my exam on Monday, I'm going to head home.
I want to see mum, I want to tell her that I love her, and care about her, in person, not over the phone. Over the past few weeks, I had this realisation that what I've been doing over the last three years or so has been wrong. I've been wanting to spend time with her, take care of her, thinking I can do that and that she will be happy with it.
But in truth, she will be happiest when I'm done with my thesis, when I'm starting my career, when I've completed my bar. She'll be happiest when she sees me settled down, and, as she said to me before, hopefully with someone who can take acre of me and give me much needed love and support. She will be happiest when i'm happy!
I want her to know that I realise that now... That I care about her deeply, and because of that I'm going to do what seems very counter-intuitive...
But aren't all wise things so unconventional and out of the ordinary frame of thinking? I'm going to live my life fully, so she can live hers too. And she needs to know that, hear that from me, in person...
9.39
Is it a curse or a blessing? If it hurts the people I meet, even if I never intend to hurt them and leave them thinking of me long after I have left their lives, then it's a curse. Or is it?
I've been told by many people that I'm 'special', that I touch people in a way that makes them feel special. I know I'm not an angel, and that like all human beings, I can be selfish, jealous and angry. But somehow, and I don't know if it's the way I behave, the things I say (or even write), the way I just am, seems to touch people. It's a powerful 'gift', if it cab be called that, and I'd like to hope I use it, and can use it, to bring goodness and warmth into people's hearts and lives... But what if I leave people wanting? What if somehow, without realizing it, I leave people longing and hoping for something and hurt them in the process?
Remember a few days ago I saw the face of the few people I went out with before? Suddenly, out of nowhere, I got an email from one of them. Was it sent on the day I sat there and meditated and saw his face appear before me? That would have been a bizarre coincidence, a strange connection of minds through distance and time...
He wrote to me, four years or so after our first meeting. He said he has been thinking of me recently, and that I've come in and out of his mind over the years since that day we met. It was his first date, and very special. I remember going out for dinner and to the movies i remember his face, and his firm handshake... I remember it was pleasant, and that I wanted to see him again, but we never did meet again after that. I know we met twice, but I don't remember how it all ended or why we didn't keep in touch any more. Was he waiting for me to write, and was I waiting for him to take the move...? And soon, though I don't remember how soon afterwards, I moved to Canada.
He said he could not forget about me, and he said I'm one of the most kind-hearted person he's ever met. And he wants closure. Since our meeting, i seem to have left a gap in his life and prevented him from moving forward. He wants to know what it was we were doing, why it was we even met... Was it out of 'charity', he called it, that I wrote to him and met him twice? Reading that, four years on, sent shivers down my spine...
Really, I don't remember, but I hate to think, to realise, that somehow we didn't keep in touch because I just didn't want to have anything to do with him anymore. Am I that mean? And again, going back to how I 'touch' people, did I realise how he was interested in me at the time? Did I realise the power I seem to have over some people, and did I abuse that power?
All I know was that I was young, we both were young, and I just wanted to meet new people, to find someone to relate to, to do things with, and if it clicks, to get an experience at romance, at love!
20.42
(from a dhamma talk by Ajahn Sona)
The Buddha didn't really preach and pluck commandments from the heavens. Instead he told us simple truths that we can all see and experience by ourselves.
And he told us to reflect on five simple realities often to free ourselves from suffering and living in fear...
Reflect on aging, for once we are born, we begin to age, to grow older... We see and experience first hand our wrinkles, our graying hair, our weakening bodies and energies. No pill, no insurance policy can prevent our aging.
reflect on illness, for no one is immune to falling ill. Whether it's a common cold, or a debilitating that causes you to lose the independence we take for granted... Too often we take for granted what this body does for us and must undergo, and one day, if we are not careful, it can become weakened or broken by something external or internal...
Reflect on loss, for we all grow attached to things, to people, but ultimately, whether within our control or beyond our control, we will lose what or whom we hold dear... Loss of a loved one, loss of a job, loss of an opportunity... All forms of loss can be difficult to overcome
Reflect on death, for we will all die, and we will all face death, from afar or see it in people around us... One day, we too will die. When or how, nobody knows.
And finally, reflect on taking accountability for your words, thoughts and deeds, for somehow everything will come back to you, in one way or another. Don't walk away from someone in anger. Don't lie or cheat because another person will never find out. Never think just because nobody knows, it does not matter, because you know, and whatever it is that you've done or thought will weigh heavily on your conscience. There may not be a god or deity to fear, but your own ease of sleep, the clarity and cleanliness of your mind and thoughts will cause you much restlessness and anxiety.
These are all important values and objects to reflect on to realise the fragility of your own life and your mind, and to relate to the fragility of the lives, wellbeing and thoughts of others.
By thinking about these things, by realising how we are always ao vulnerable and susceptible to these realities of aging, illness, loss and death, we humble ourselves and become more prepared for life and what it has in store for us. We are more in touch with reality, the true nature of things and of being, so that when something happens, we do not easily fall into despair, anger or frustration. Of course, it is only human to feel all those emotions, but we can mould the mind to not dwell too much in negative emotions, and to stay afloat, buoyed by the knowledge that all will pass, in times of facing harsh realities and the truth of life.
Why is it that we are often so confused, agitated and want to avoid reality? Why do we want to distract ourselves and keep ourselves busy and moving all the time? Because we are often afraid to face reality, and the disappointments it brings us when things do not go according to our wishes.
Meditation is a way to bringing us closer to this moment, to just being, and not doing. For in being, in calming the mind and trying to capture it before it flurries off into the past or the future, you are facing the ultimate reality... The ins and outs of the breaths that keep you alive, the pains and aches of the muscles and bones that you feel come and go, the intensity, rising and fading away of thoughts and desires that seem so real, yet can as quickly disappear as they came only to be replaced by another feeling or thought.
This world is only so much, this body of ours is only so frail and fragile. We are constantly subject to relentless change and unpredictability.
But we can develp the mind, cultivate joy and serenity to allow the mind to be more accepting and open to the realities of the world and the changes beyond our control.
27 September 2011
Lighten up
It's counterintuitive, it's against the grain of things, but in the face of heaviness, in the face of difficulties and sadness, lighten up! Smile, laugh, let go! In the face of fear, of gloom, of feeling like a failure, lighten up!
I spoke to the abbot in a personal interview and told him how much relationship woes and the health of my mother has weighed me down in recent years...
He was taken aback by all i've gone through already at my age. illness and death... Sickness and dying. It is all the elements and certainties of life that the Buddha taught are unavoidable and unchangeable. And I've experienced it all, close up.
But I'm still here, I'm still standing. I'm still willing to go on and find peace, recover peace despite all I've gone through. An that is more than what a lot of people already.
I may not be a perfect practitioner who meditates day and night, but the teachings and understandings are there and ingrained within me: nothing is ever permanent, everything will change... Everything will pass and disappear. Sadness, happiness, love, hatred, longing, loneliness... It will all disappear and come, come and disappear...
So lighten up! Don't take life so seriously! Don't frown and see things with gloom and doom! Don't see failure and live with regret and remorse about what could have been or what may have been... And don't live dreaming and fantasising about the future. Enjoy the moment, take in every single moment as if it were the last. Take in every single moment, take every single surrounding you find yourself in, take every person you are with, and experience that moment, that place, that person to the fullest. all we could ever do in life is try our best and do our best. Nothing more, nothing less.
What is worry and agitation going to do for you and your mother, he asked me. Nothing. In fact, wouldn't mum feel much better if she saw me happy, I she saw me do what I'm doing and pursuing my dreams and goals?
How can I help her if I myself are so angry and so torn by agitation, frustration and fear of her dying alone? I cannot cure my mum, that is the doctor's work, but I can give her bits of happiness and hope that will go a long long way. One day she will die, how or when nobody knows. But do all you can do support her, to make her feel loved and make her feel that this life has been worth it. That is all I can ever do, for her, for anyone. Make her feel special, make her feel that she is special, despite all the pain and suffering she may be experiencing. And to give her happiness and joy, I must develop it first within me.
Get rid of the negativities, get rid of unnecessary fetters ad worries, get rid of things and people who stand in the way of your happiness and make your life problematic. Infuse yourself with joy and beautiful things, surround yourself with people who care about you, who love you, who can support you and be a friend in the practice and pursuit of a meaningful life of spirituality and clarity.
Lighten up... Lighten yourself, lighten your load. The world, with all its people and places, is only ever so much.
The world is so beautiful... The forest so colorful, the sunset so magnificent and dazzling, the sky so pale, the wind so calming and cool... Just me and the sound of my footsteps, and the echoes of the monk's words: Lighten up!
I smiled and smiled, bearing a grin that strangers, if they see me now, would think I'm completely nutters. But the smile smiled itself, and even now as I type I cannot hide the grin...
I have not felt so happy, so truly happy for a long, long time. I hope whenever I am sad, whenever I am feeling down and defeated, I will remember this moment, and that the memory of this moment will infuse into the future me, and make me smile and smile.
20.35
(from a dhamma talk by Ajahn Sona)
Imagine there is a smooth river, the river of life, and there are two shores. One filled with danger, prone to flooding and making you drown, another is a safe haven, a place of tranquility and serenity.
We have a choice... To struggle hard, to flap about wildly in the water. Or we can take things easily, we can drop things and float, let the river carry us eventually to safety.
Our intuition is to struggle hard, to resist the water because we are so afraid of drowning, afraid of losing everything, afraid of losing control, afraid of death and the uncertainties of where the river may carry us. The more we struggle, the more waves and whirlpools of confusion and agitation we create. The flooded shore awaits with fear, jealousy, ill-will, hatred, delusion, remorse and sadness. And somehow most people go through life believing, thinking that the more we struggle, the more difficult and painful life is, the closer and easiest it is to saving ourselves and simplifying things.
But life can be easy, life can be smooth and flowing. That does not mean that no effort is needed or that one can be complacent ad just sit around. It means that you need to work In the right direction, have the right effort and rights views and realisations to propel yourself toward the shore of safety and tranquility. Coming to a place, taking time out, resisting the mainstream belief that we must be "doing" something to be useful and 'good' in society, is a beginning to reaching safer shores.
People may (and people have) question you on why you are locking yourself away and withdrawing from everything. Because it is necessary, to distance yourself from the people, objects and problems that you are too close too to realise that they are heavy on your shoulders or hinder your own growth and happiness. Think of a retreat, of meditation as lifting yourself up, as a charge of energy to propel you further, to allow yourself to be stronger in facing hurdles and difficulties in life and the world.
When problems and hurdles come, we want to resist. We want to cling onto old ways and old circumstances, believing that is best because we know nothing else. But that resistance causes us great suffering, because we are powerless to stop change, for the world, people, even this "self" (this "me") we cling onto are CIA tangly changing, flowing, shifting.
There is no need to resist, even though the temptation to resist when we are in the river of life is strong. Similarly, when we are surrounded by life, by the world, with all its pressures, people's and opinions, we feel often oppressed and unfree.
But free yourself you can by taking things lightly, by infusing yourself with goodness, compassion, kindness, love and clarity. Distance yourself from the burdens and unnecessary weightiness of anger, negativity and self doubt.
step back, breathe, and lift yourself up by letting go... And go with the flow.
I spoke to the abbot in a personal interview and told him how much relationship woes and the health of my mother has weighed me down in recent years...
He was taken aback by all i've gone through already at my age. illness and death... Sickness and dying. It is all the elements and certainties of life that the Buddha taught are unavoidable and unchangeable. And I've experienced it all, close up.
But I'm still here, I'm still standing. I'm still willing to go on and find peace, recover peace despite all I've gone through. An that is more than what a lot of people already.
I may not be a perfect practitioner who meditates day and night, but the teachings and understandings are there and ingrained within me: nothing is ever permanent, everything will change... Everything will pass and disappear. Sadness, happiness, love, hatred, longing, loneliness... It will all disappear and come, come and disappear...
So lighten up! Don't take life so seriously! Don't frown and see things with gloom and doom! Don't see failure and live with regret and remorse about what could have been or what may have been... And don't live dreaming and fantasising about the future. Enjoy the moment, take in every single moment as if it were the last. Take in every single moment, take every single surrounding you find yourself in, take every person you are with, and experience that moment, that place, that person to the fullest. all we could ever do in life is try our best and do our best. Nothing more, nothing less.
What is worry and agitation going to do for you and your mother, he asked me. Nothing. In fact, wouldn't mum feel much better if she saw me happy, I she saw me do what I'm doing and pursuing my dreams and goals?
How can I help her if I myself are so angry and so torn by agitation, frustration and fear of her dying alone? I cannot cure my mum, that is the doctor's work, but I can give her bits of happiness and hope that will go a long long way. One day she will die, how or when nobody knows. But do all you can do support her, to make her feel loved and make her feel that this life has been worth it. That is all I can ever do, for her, for anyone. Make her feel special, make her feel that she is special, despite all the pain and suffering she may be experiencing. And to give her happiness and joy, I must develop it first within me.
Get rid of the negativities, get rid of unnecessary fetters ad worries, get rid of things and people who stand in the way of your happiness and make your life problematic. Infuse yourself with joy and beautiful things, surround yourself with people who care about you, who love you, who can support you and be a friend in the practice and pursuit of a meaningful life of spirituality and clarity.
Lighten up... Lighten yourself, lighten your load. The world, with all its people and places, is only ever so much.
The world is so beautiful... The forest so colorful, the sunset so magnificent and dazzling, the sky so pale, the wind so calming and cool... Just me and the sound of my footsteps, and the echoes of the monk's words: Lighten up!
I smiled and smiled, bearing a grin that strangers, if they see me now, would think I'm completely nutters. But the smile smiled itself, and even now as I type I cannot hide the grin...
I have not felt so happy, so truly happy for a long, long time. I hope whenever I am sad, whenever I am feeling down and defeated, I will remember this moment, and that the memory of this moment will infuse into the future me, and make me smile and smile.
20.35
(from a dhamma talk by Ajahn Sona)
Imagine there is a smooth river, the river of life, and there are two shores. One filled with danger, prone to flooding and making you drown, another is a safe haven, a place of tranquility and serenity.
We have a choice... To struggle hard, to flap about wildly in the water. Or we can take things easily, we can drop things and float, let the river carry us eventually to safety.
Our intuition is to struggle hard, to resist the water because we are so afraid of drowning, afraid of losing everything, afraid of losing control, afraid of death and the uncertainties of where the river may carry us. The more we struggle, the more waves and whirlpools of confusion and agitation we create. The flooded shore awaits with fear, jealousy, ill-will, hatred, delusion, remorse and sadness. And somehow most people go through life believing, thinking that the more we struggle, the more difficult and painful life is, the closer and easiest it is to saving ourselves and simplifying things.
But life can be easy, life can be smooth and flowing. That does not mean that no effort is needed or that one can be complacent ad just sit around. It means that you need to work In the right direction, have the right effort and rights views and realisations to propel yourself toward the shore of safety and tranquility. Coming to a place, taking time out, resisting the mainstream belief that we must be "doing" something to be useful and 'good' in society, is a beginning to reaching safer shores.
People may (and people have) question you on why you are locking yourself away and withdrawing from everything. Because it is necessary, to distance yourself from the people, objects and problems that you are too close too to realise that they are heavy on your shoulders or hinder your own growth and happiness. Think of a retreat, of meditation as lifting yourself up, as a charge of energy to propel you further, to allow yourself to be stronger in facing hurdles and difficulties in life and the world.
When problems and hurdles come, we want to resist. We want to cling onto old ways and old circumstances, believing that is best because we know nothing else. But that resistance causes us great suffering, because we are powerless to stop change, for the world, people, even this "self" (this "me") we cling onto are CIA tangly changing, flowing, shifting.
There is no need to resist, even though the temptation to resist when we are in the river of life is strong. Similarly, when we are surrounded by life, by the world, with all its pressures, people's and opinions, we feel often oppressed and unfree.
But free yourself you can by taking things lightly, by infusing yourself with goodness, compassion, kindness, love and clarity. Distance yourself from the burdens and unnecessary weightiness of anger, negativity and self doubt.
step back, breathe, and lift yourself up by letting go... And go with the flow.
26 September 2011
The past
I was just walking, walking... A cold, blustery morning. Just walking, just letting my mind follow the movements of my feet... Left, right, left, right...
Then our of nowhere faces of my past appeared...
Carmen... Her beautiful face, her lovely smile, her loud, careless laughter... The touch of her hand as she lay in her bed and slept. So warm, so frail, yet so warm it felt...
Tehwei... His calm complexion, his seriousness, his gentle voice, his poetic way with words... I too held onto his hand as he struggled and groaned in pain... I had to hold on to my tears till I left his bedroom for the last time...
Dad... His closed eyes, his familiar scent, his lips, his eyebrows, his thin, frail body... I held onto his hand as he slipped away from this world. I was the last person who touched him when he drew his last breath... I felt his warmth, his fatherly warmth...
The blustery wind blew into my eyes, and tears shed unexpectedly. How many people I have lost over the past few years! Am I stronger? Or have I become weighed down with death and loss?
And who do I have left? Mum, but she too is fading quickly from my life. And I will lose her too. Then what...? Who would I have in my life I can really share with, talk to and not feel inhibited and say what I feel...? Who do I have now I can show my love to and pour out all these warm, intimate feelings?
I held onto my arms tightly, hugged myself, and braved the wind and the rain that was beginning to fall.
20.37
(from a dhamma talk by Ajahn Sona)
Why do we practice? To see the changing nature of the world, to see beyond what are mere symbols. We practice to see... To see beyond the beauty and beyond the temporariness of every thing and every one in the world. We practice to liberate ourselves, to free our minds from attaching too much objects and persons who eventually, because they will disappear or die, will cause us suffering.
The practice is not dead unchanging. You should modify the practice to match your moods and energy levels. If you're tired, stand or walk. If you're agitated, walk quicker. If you're calm and collected, sit and try to sit without time constraints. Sometimes the mind can only be tamed after an hour, or even two hours. Sometimes you can sit and quickly calm your mind and bring it to this present moment. But often it'll escape and run wild. Sit and watch it, for sitting is the best posture (followed by standing, walking and lying down). Sit, and if necessary change postures mindfully and slowly, always maintaining that calm and that collectedness. After a while you will realise...
When there is clarity and lightness, when you are not burdened by worries, anxieties and fears, then you can see clearly. Then you will realise the truth of things, the true nature of things, and you will free yourself
Then our of nowhere faces of my past appeared...
Carmen... Her beautiful face, her lovely smile, her loud, careless laughter... The touch of her hand as she lay in her bed and slept. So warm, so frail, yet so warm it felt...
Tehwei... His calm complexion, his seriousness, his gentle voice, his poetic way with words... I too held onto his hand as he struggled and groaned in pain... I had to hold on to my tears till I left his bedroom for the last time...
Dad... His closed eyes, his familiar scent, his lips, his eyebrows, his thin, frail body... I held onto his hand as he slipped away from this world. I was the last person who touched him when he drew his last breath... I felt his warmth, his fatherly warmth...
The blustery wind blew into my eyes, and tears shed unexpectedly. How many people I have lost over the past few years! Am I stronger? Or have I become weighed down with death and loss?
And who do I have left? Mum, but she too is fading quickly from my life. And I will lose her too. Then what...? Who would I have in my life I can really share with, talk to and not feel inhibited and say what I feel...? Who do I have now I can show my love to and pour out all these warm, intimate feelings?
I held onto my arms tightly, hugged myself, and braved the wind and the rain that was beginning to fall.
20.37
(from a dhamma talk by Ajahn Sona)
Why do we practice? To see the changing nature of the world, to see beyond what are mere symbols. We practice to see... To see beyond the beauty and beyond the temporariness of every thing and every one in the world. We practice to liberate ourselves, to free our minds from attaching too much objects and persons who eventually, because they will disappear or die, will cause us suffering.
The practice is not dead unchanging. You should modify the practice to match your moods and energy levels. If you're tired, stand or walk. If you're agitated, walk quicker. If you're calm and collected, sit and try to sit without time constraints. Sometimes the mind can only be tamed after an hour, or even two hours. Sometimes you can sit and quickly calm your mind and bring it to this present moment. But often it'll escape and run wild. Sit and watch it, for sitting is the best posture (followed by standing, walking and lying down). Sit, and if necessary change postures mindfully and slowly, always maintaining that calm and that collectedness. After a while you will realise...
When there is clarity and lightness, when you are not burdened by worries, anxieties and fears, then you can see clearly. Then you will realise the truth of things, the true nature of things, and you will free yourself
Resolution
I sat and watched my breath for a while... And then there was suddenly a sense of clarity.
For almost a year I've been caught and entangled in two problems that have so loomed over my life and happiness. My mum's health, which i cannot change, and my relationship with my friend, which too I cannot change.
But I can let one thing go, and there will be less on my shoulders. I can drop one and focus my energies on one thing, so that I'm not divided or distracted, and so that I can find more peace.
The other day, my friend told me he would like to "resolve" me. He too has been caught in an entangled mess, caught between two people. He's been unhappy, and torn. Well, I can help him resolve me... I will go.
Ive said this before, i know. But one of us has to be resolved (as in determined) to make a step. I will no longer be in the way, I will no longer make him feel torn. I will (try) to stop having any contact with my friend, to give him time to thunk things through, to give him the freedom to do what he wants, to give him the space to find out where his heart truly lies.
And the easiest way to do that is to take leave.
I can leave here, drop everything and not look back, and not have to keep on wondering whether I should stay here because there is a chance still with my friend. For the last few years, ever since I met him, I've been back an forth, going back to Canada because it is where I feel happiest and freeest. But part of, if not the main, reason I kept on going back to Canada is because he was there, he was waiting for me, as a friend, as a lover...
But now those feelings have waned and become soured, I fear... It was so beautiful, how we supported one another and was there for one another, no matter what. But somehow I feel that can no longer be without one of us feeling torn and conflicted.
However much I am hurting, however much I long for company and a listening ear, however much I would like to just cry in front of someone, I have lost that... I no longer want to be a user of what he called "listening services". I simply can't force my feelings and my emotional needs on him, not when he wants me to be "resolved" so he can move on.
There is still that care and love, I know it, I feel it. Does he feel it? Does he know it? Does he feel the depth of those feelings ? But it is now confused and we are both too close to see whether we are hanging around one another because of the comfort and because we're so used to it, or because there truly is something there between us.
I care about him, I love him still, yet it is tiring, almost a year on, that we are still in the same place, more or less... It is tiring to keep on wondering, as I wondered last year when he said he wanted to be with me, whether there is another person in his mind, in his heart. It is exhausting to be next to him, to hold and hug him, to try to kiss him, and yet be turned away. I did that to him too, I know...
I know I created much of this mess, I have myself to blame. But I want to free myself, to free him, from this all by stepping out, by removing myself, if only for a little while.
He can have his time to think, to pursue his own happiness, to be free and be guilt-free about starting something. He does not have to worry any more whether if he starts to see someone, I would get angry and hurt because it's so soon after our breakup. He does not have to explain himself anymore how much he is writing to someone or that it is all "just friends". And the more I get away, the further I am, the less he will know about my life, my troubles, which will make him worry less, and help him to move on. I really would rather not, but I don't know how best to deal with the whole situation other than run away and put all this great big distance and barrier between us.
I treasure his friendship, and all that he has given me over the past few years. But I have taken enough from him, I have kept him away from his happiness and dreams far too long by being such an overbearing presence in his life.
I want him to be happy, I really do. I want him to find the person who can give him what I could never fully provide him... I want him to feel appreciated, loved, cared for who he is... I want someone who can share his interest in music, pop culture and fancy clothes, someone who can keep him laughing, keep him smiling, instead of make him sad or make him frown with such heavy topics as my mum's health and the such. I feel I have been and become such a burden, and kept him from the beautiful gift of smiling, of laughing, of loving unconditionally...
I can let go him him, let him be free, and in the mean time I can free myself too from all this relationship trouble and entanglements that have caused us both much sorrow and wasted energies.
I want to let him go, for it is easiest for both of us. And in the long run, I think we'll benefit from it. If we are really such strong friends, I we are really meant to be together and realise that sometime from now, then let that be.
But now I need to go...
I need to let him go, for his sake, and for my own.
For almost a year I've been caught and entangled in two problems that have so loomed over my life and happiness. My mum's health, which i cannot change, and my relationship with my friend, which too I cannot change.
But I can let one thing go, and there will be less on my shoulders. I can drop one and focus my energies on one thing, so that I'm not divided or distracted, and so that I can find more peace.
The other day, my friend told me he would like to "resolve" me. He too has been caught in an entangled mess, caught between two people. He's been unhappy, and torn. Well, I can help him resolve me... I will go.
Ive said this before, i know. But one of us has to be resolved (as in determined) to make a step. I will no longer be in the way, I will no longer make him feel torn. I will (try) to stop having any contact with my friend, to give him time to thunk things through, to give him the freedom to do what he wants, to give him the space to find out where his heart truly lies.
And the easiest way to do that is to take leave.
I can leave here, drop everything and not look back, and not have to keep on wondering whether I should stay here because there is a chance still with my friend. For the last few years, ever since I met him, I've been back an forth, going back to Canada because it is where I feel happiest and freeest. But part of, if not the main, reason I kept on going back to Canada is because he was there, he was waiting for me, as a friend, as a lover...
But now those feelings have waned and become soured, I fear... It was so beautiful, how we supported one another and was there for one another, no matter what. But somehow I feel that can no longer be without one of us feeling torn and conflicted.
However much I am hurting, however much I long for company and a listening ear, however much I would like to just cry in front of someone, I have lost that... I no longer want to be a user of what he called "listening services". I simply can't force my feelings and my emotional needs on him, not when he wants me to be "resolved" so he can move on.
There is still that care and love, I know it, I feel it. Does he feel it? Does he know it? Does he feel the depth of those feelings ? But it is now confused and we are both too close to see whether we are hanging around one another because of the comfort and because we're so used to it, or because there truly is something there between us.
I care about him, I love him still, yet it is tiring, almost a year on, that we are still in the same place, more or less... It is tiring to keep on wondering, as I wondered last year when he said he wanted to be with me, whether there is another person in his mind, in his heart. It is exhausting to be next to him, to hold and hug him, to try to kiss him, and yet be turned away. I did that to him too, I know...
I know I created much of this mess, I have myself to blame. But I want to free myself, to free him, from this all by stepping out, by removing myself, if only for a little while.
He can have his time to think, to pursue his own happiness, to be free and be guilt-free about starting something. He does not have to worry any more whether if he starts to see someone, I would get angry and hurt because it's so soon after our breakup. He does not have to explain himself anymore how much he is writing to someone or that it is all "just friends". And the more I get away, the further I am, the less he will know about my life, my troubles, which will make him worry less, and help him to move on. I really would rather not, but I don't know how best to deal with the whole situation other than run away and put all this great big distance and barrier between us.
I treasure his friendship, and all that he has given me over the past few years. But I have taken enough from him, I have kept him away from his happiness and dreams far too long by being such an overbearing presence in his life.
I want him to be happy, I really do. I want him to find the person who can give him what I could never fully provide him... I want him to feel appreciated, loved, cared for who he is... I want someone who can share his interest in music, pop culture and fancy clothes, someone who can keep him laughing, keep him smiling, instead of make him sad or make him frown with such heavy topics as my mum's health and the such. I feel I have been and become such a burden, and kept him from the beautiful gift of smiling, of laughing, of loving unconditionally...
I can let go him him, let him be free, and in the mean time I can free myself too from all this relationship trouble and entanglements that have caused us both much sorrow and wasted energies.
I want to let him go, for it is easiest for both of us. And in the long run, I think we'll benefit from it. If we are really such strong friends, I we are really meant to be together and realise that sometime from now, then let that be.
But now I need to go...
I need to let him go, for his sake, and for my own.
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