On reflections

When did it come to me? Was it in a moment of true clarity or make-believe clarity (ie confusion)?

I don't know. But at this very moment, I've decided that as soon as I finish my exam on Monday, I'm going to head home.

I want to see mum, I want to tell her that I love her, and care about her, in person, not over the phone. Over the past few weeks, I had this realisation that what I've been doing over the last three years or so has been wrong. I've been wanting to spend time with her, take care of her, thinking I can do that and that she will be happy with it.

 But in truth, she will be happiest when I'm done with my thesis, when I'm starting my career, when I've completed my bar. She'll be happiest when she sees me settled down, and, as she said to me before, hopefully with someone who can take acre of me and give me much needed love and support. She will be happiest when i'm happy!

I want her to know that I realise that now... That I care about her deeply, and because of that I'm going to do what seems very counter-intuitive...

But aren't all wise things so unconventional and out of the ordinary frame of thinking? I'm going to live my life fully, so she can live hers too. And she needs to know that, hear that from me, in person...


9.39

Is it a curse or a blessing? If it hurts the people I meet, even if I never intend to hurt them and leave them thinking of me long after I have left their lives, then it's a curse. Or is it?

I've been told by many people that I'm 'special', that I touch people in a way that makes them feel special. I know I'm not an angel, and that like all human beings, I can be selfish, jealous and angry. But somehow, and I don't know if it's the way I behave, the things I say (or even write), the way I just am, seems to touch people. It's a powerful 'gift', if it cab be called that, and I'd like to hope I use it, and can use it, to bring goodness and warmth into people's hearts and lives... But what if I leave people wanting? What if somehow, without realizing it, I leave people longing and hoping for something and hurt them in the process?

Remember a few days ago I saw the face of the few people I went out with before? Suddenly, out of nowhere, I got an email from one of them. Was it sent on the day I sat there and meditated and saw his face appear before me? That would have been a bizarre coincidence, a strange connection of minds through distance and time...

He wrote to me, four years or so after our first meeting. He said he has been thinking of me recently, and that I've come in and out of his mind over the years since that day we met. It was his first date, and very special. I remember going out for dinner and to the movies i remember his face, and his firm handshake... I remember it was pleasant, and that I wanted to see him again, but we never did meet again after that. I know we met twice, but I don't remember how it all ended or why we didn't keep in touch any more. Was he waiting for me to write, and was I waiting for him to take the move...?  And soon, though I don't remember how soon afterwards, I moved to Canada.

He said he could not forget about me, and he said I'm one of the most kind-hearted person he's ever met. And he wants closure. Since our meeting, i seem to have left a gap in his life and prevented him from moving forward. He wants to know what it was we were doing, why it was we even met... Was it out of 'charity', he called it, that I wrote to him and met him twice? Reading that, four years on, sent shivers down my spine...

Really, I don't remember, but I hate to think, to realise, that somehow we didn't keep in touch because I just didn't want to have anything to do with him anymore. Am I that mean? And again, going back to how I 'touch' people, did I realise how he was interested in me at the time? Did I realise the power I seem to have over some people, and did I abuse that power?

All I know  was that I was young, we both were young, and I just wanted to meet new people, to find someone to relate to, to do things with, and if it clicks, to get an experience at romance, at love!


 20.42
(from a dhamma talk by Ajahn Sona)


The Buddha didn't really preach and pluck commandments from the heavens. Instead he told us simple truths that we can all see and experience by ourselves.

And he told us to reflect on five simple realities often to free ourselves from suffering and living in fear...

Reflect on aging, for once we are born, we begin to age, to grow older... We see and experience first hand our wrinkles, our graying hair, our weakening bodies and energies. No pill, no insurance policy can prevent our aging.

 reflect on illness, for no one is immune to falling ill. Whether it's a common cold, or a debilitating  that causes you to lose the independence we take for granted... Too often we take for granted what this body does for us and must undergo, and one day, if we are not careful, it can become weakened or broken by something external or internal...

Reflect on loss, for we all grow attached to things, to people, but ultimately, whether within our control or beyond our control, we will lose what or whom we hold dear... Loss of a loved one, loss of a job, loss of an opportunity... All forms of loss can be difficult to overcome

Reflect on death, for we will all die, and we will all face death, from afar or see it in people around us... One day, we too will die. When or how, nobody knows.

And finally, reflect on taking accountability for your words, thoughts and deeds, for somehow everything will come back to you, in one way or another. Don't walk away from someone in anger. Don't lie or cheat because another person will never find out. Never think just because nobody knows, it does not matter, because you know, and whatever it is that you've done or thought will weigh heavily on your conscience. There may not be a god or deity to fear, but your own ease of sleep, the clarity and cleanliness of your mind and thoughts will cause you much restlessness and anxiety.

 These are all important values and objects to reflect on to realise the fragility of your own life and your mind, and to relate to the fragility of the lives, wellbeing and thoughts of others.

By thinking about these things, by  realising how we are always ao vulnerable and susceptible to these realities of aging, illness, loss and death, we humble ourselves and become more prepared for life and what it has in store for us. We are more in touch with reality, the true nature of things and of being, so that when something happens, we do not easily fall into despair, anger or frustration. Of course, it is only human to feel all those emotions, but we can mould the mind to not dwell too much in negative emotions, and to stay afloat, buoyed by the knowledge that  all will pass, in times of facing harsh realities and the truth of life.

Why is it that we are often so confused, agitated and want to avoid reality? Why do we want to distract ourselves and keep ourselves busy and moving all the time? Because we are often afraid to face reality, and the disappointments it brings us when things do not go according to our wishes.

Meditation is a way to bringing us closer to this moment, to just being, and not doing. For in being, in calming the mind and trying to capture it before it flurries off into the past or the future, you are facing the ultimate reality... The ins and outs of the breaths that keep you alive, the pains and aches of the muscles and bones that you feel come and go, the intensity, rising and fading away of thoughts and desires that seem so real, yet can as quickly disappear as they came only to be replaced by another feeling or thought.

This world is only so much, this body of ours is only so frail and fragile. We are constantly subject to relentless change and unpredictability.

But we can develp the mind, cultivate joy and serenity to allow the mind to be more accepting and open to the realities of the world and the changes beyond our control.