Second day of the new year

It's been over a year, perhaps even close to two , since I had more than two people at my place.  For the longest time, I felt closed off and felt it difficult to accept people into my own personal space.

Until tonight, and we ended up having a lovely evening at night playing board games and catching up. It's been so long, too long.

Earlier in the evening, a dinnner was organised by a friend who wanted to take a mutual friend's mum to dinner. This auntie has always been kind to me and every so often calls me up to ask me to drop by her place becasue she's got soup or cooked food for me. Taking her out to dinner is something we try to do on every holiday occassion.

It was a sumptuous feast, and in the end close to ten people sat around a round dinner table at a Chinese restaurant downtown. We ate and chatted, smiled and exchanged polite conversation. More often I, together with another friend, would be talking to auntie or trying to translate so she doesn't feel left out.

At the end of the, together with a smaller and more closely knit group, I headed back home. I found the joy of hosting again, the joy of making sure everyone's glass/cup (stomach!) is filled. Joy of trying to give everyone a place where we can bond and share plesant company and be merry. It is a special feeling that it is at my own home. And in many ways, my sweet little cat made the gathering even more lively with her curoiousity and endless exhibition of cuteness.

Hours went by, and before we knew it, it was past one. For most of the day, the home of  a friend and his daughter has been plagued with a blackout, one that the electricity company kept on saying will be fixed. Four hours turned into eight, turned into twelve, and as of this moment, is going into the eighteenth hour.

I told my friend to just stay, as I have two spare rooms. He wanted to go back, as he felt like he was intruding. But we tried to tell him how dangerous it is to go back to a home that is unheated.

Five years I have been in Canada, and never have I experienced temperatures as frigid as what we ha've been experiencing. Tonight , it was -26C, but with the wind chill, of deels like -38C. Last night, it felt like -42C. It is simply freezing. Freezing to the extent you don't want to do anything, and I've been struggling to keep awake because the body really feels like its hibernating (being depressed is not helping either...).

These temperatures are extreme, especially so early on in winter. But elsewhere in Canada, its even worse, for in Winnipeg apparently they experienced temperatures colder than the surface of Mars... This is not human....

Eventually my friend and his daughter stayed, and I quickly made their beds and made sure everyone could get ready for some sleep before I lay down.

I provably slept an hour or so before I woke up and could not sleep any longer I lay awake twisting and turning. Next to my was the ex, fast asleep and slightly snoring. In the room across the hallway was the friend who was definitely knocked out. His snore was like a storm or a factory machine hard at work.

I twisted and turned, and felt hemmed in by two people snoring. How could they sleep so soundly (literally...) whereas I'm so easily woken and disturbed by noise? Ironic that I, the one who normally lives here, is the one who cannot sleep while the others Im sheltering for the night are soundly sleeping.

An hour or so and it is morning.... Time for them to wake up. Time for me to sleep!

Happy 2014...

New years came and went...  No fanfare, no celebrations, no festivities. I prefer not to, I chose not to. Instead, perhaps more symbolic than anything else (but I certainly hope not...) I studied from the eve of 2013 through to the first hour of 2014. It is a resolution, of sorts, to study and finally finish once and for all, the law exams that have been taking much too long. Exams that I began as mum;s health waned, one of which I tried to study so hard for the month or so she passed away, and that I have been struggling, really terribly struggling to complete one by one.

What do I wish for in 2014 ? I was told it will be the most difficult year, especially seen from the Chinese zodiac point of view. Perhaps the worst year in a cycle of 12 years. After 2012, the year of losing my mother, after 2013 the year I've so struggled to overcome loss and to move on, while at the same time losing the two stuffed animals dearest to me (and my very first pet...) all I want is some semblance of peace and sanity, and love...

I wish for peace and tranquility, wish that I can weather whatever difficulties are to come my way. Do I not deserve  a break? Do I not deserve some lightness, some kind of joy, real joy, real contagious joy that will endure and lift the burdens of loss and mourning?

And I wish for love, and that my heart is open to love. Love to infuse me with energy, encouragement, support and intimacy... Love that is needed to relight that flame of passion and drive that I know I harbour within, that undying flame of dedication and care I demonstrated in caring for loved ones till the very end. I know I have it in me, but the flame has for over a year now become so dim and almost dying. I need love to remind myself that I am a valuable person who is loving and deserves to be loved.

And as always, as every year and every day when I sit and meditate, I wish peace, warmth, love and compassion to my friends (especially this one person...), to my family and relatives, and to the world.

May it be a happy year for all.
May all be free and free from suffering.

New year's eve

Eight hours or so till the new year. What are I going to be doing, where will I be when the clock strikes midnight? I dont know. I just want a quiet moment by myself , or with closely knit friends.

I don't know why I am so tired, so wary of celebrations and merrymaking. Just exhausted when I think about being surrounded by people and having to pretend all is well and happy. It takes so much effort, so much energy.

But it seems wanting to be by yourself makes you a social outcast, makes you strange and unwieldy.

Mama

We were crowded in a small space, and there were bare furnishings and bare walls. Mum and dad were there, as were brother and his wife. Somehow there was tension in the room, as of tbere had been an argument...

Dad sat and sulked and ignored the rest of us. Mum sat on a bench and looked down and sad. I paced around, tiptoeing around but inside I was thinking of ways to bring everyone together again... I don't know why I had flowers with me, white cornations with pink rims. There were for mothers day, I knew this much.

I plucked a stem and held it in my hand. I walked around with it. I was nervous and cautious. I didndt want to upset anyone with anything, not with all the tensions in the room.

I offered it to mum. The one thing I heard myself say out loud before I woke myself was "Mama..." It was a sound of longing and mellow pain. It was the sound of a child calling for his mother yet knowing the call will not be answered.