That was already half an hour? What did I waste my energy on? On random thoughts and imaginary events, on deceiving memories and crude fantasies of what may be, what could have been, but never was and never will be.
Half an hour of my life went away just like that. And I realise what a waste of energy and my life that has been. Imagine the times and moments when I don't realise, when I just let the precious moments slip away without realising I am letting the mind run wild and take over me.
All that time and energy can be spent doing more constructive things...
17.43
Driving myself insane with thoughts...
Of my friend, of the strange status we find ourselves in, of the fear of losing a special, special bond... Of my cat, and how i'm abandoning her so much... And thoughts of mum's illness, and what my role is in her life now...
LET THINGS GO!
18.14
The wind suddenly changed, I could hear it blow stronger and stronger. Out of nowhere, it seemed, such strength, such brute force. Leaves fled in bedazzled confusion, needle-like rain left wet stains the clear window.
I watched from the shelter of the house, watched the storm approach and darken the skies with grey and gloom. On the horizon, clusters of white clouds that still glistened in the gilded light of dusk shyly retreated to make way for the denser and weightier clouds.
Birch trees that stood tall like bamboos swayed and shivered. The wind was fierce, but the trees are fiercer, more reisilient. Shrubs , with golden round leaves like shiny coins, tossed their bodies in a frantic dance.
Then it happened. Right before my eyes, a tree gave in and bent in two. Like a person with weak knees, the top of the tree tumbled and fell, leaving a jagged stump standing in the middle of the birch forest. Did the tree fall? Yes it did, I saw it.
But how many trees have fallen, how many trees have grown since time immemorial beyond my knowledge, beyond what I can see? Did those trees not fall, did those trees not grow, even when I was not there to witness tier fall or growth?
The world moves on, and how little of it I can see, and even less of it I can control.
20.33
(from a dhamma talk by Ajahn Sona)
Enjoy yourself... Infuse yourself with joy.
Fill your mind with happiness and pleasure, virtue and goodness. Pleasure not in the material and worldly sense, but pleasure that is satisfying and lasting. Pleasure that feeds the heart and calms the mind.
There is nothing you have to do, no place in particular you have to arrive at, nothing in particular you must achieve.
Just enjoy yourself, fill your mind with serenity and peace, and in that peace find clarity and certainty, find happiness and even more joy that will propel those positive energies and emotions and dispel the negativities and fears.
Too often we are striving too hard, trying to push ourselves, trying to compare ourselves to others, and even to the way we used to be.
Too often there is much doubt, much uncertainty, much disturbance because we fear we are not 'good' enough, because we are filled with regrets and unfulfilled desires.
But real joy, real happiness is not about seeking pleasures and distractions from somewhere else, from someone else. It is to be found when you let go, when you open the heart and flush it with ease and lightness.
We cling on so much to burdens and worries. It's a force of habit. We want to change the way things are, we want to change the way people are, and we are frustrated when we realise, wen we know we cannot change much. We can only accept the way things are, and let things be...
Relax our minds, relax our tightly clenched fists and wants, and open ourselves to what there is around us... Open ourselves and see the lightness in everything, in everyone, and in every moment we experience and live with.
Let go of the heaviness of your heart an mind, let go of the unnecessary burdens and worries and fears...
Infuse yourself with light, goodness and joy. And watch all that lightness, goodness and joy multiply and infect others around you.
24 September 2011
Second day
Had a rough night of sleep, as my room mate snores. Fell asleep for only a few hours, the rest of the time, I lay awake listening to the snoring and feeling too warm and agitated.
Meditation was disturbed, sleepy, and my mind wandered a lot.
Something is preoccupying me, and that's whether to fly home, to taiwan, straight after the retreat and after sitting the exam. It seems so ridiculous, I know. Flying off again, putting everything else on hold...
But I'm tempted to see mum and check up on how she's doing... Her image and well-being has been coming and going in my mind. And in a way, I'm tempted to stay away from Montreal longer, so I don't have to go back and face whatever is happening there, namely the situation with my friend.
I know, I'm an escapist, and I like to just get away when things are not going well. It's part of the reason why I'm here, isolated from everything, from everyone else. Get away, get away as far as possible, not because I don't want to deal with things. I'm actually not sure how to deal with things. But because I believe with time and distance things will solve themselves.
To escape... And to delve into my mind and figure out what is unsettling me so.
17.03
This afternoon, in my meditation I saw many things float up...
Faces of people I once went out with when I first started online dating, some five, six years ago. Not many, i can count them with one hand, and I don't think of them at all anymore. One person i can't even remember the name of. But vividly I could see the places we went, the things we did. Nothing ever came of those dates, and they just faded from my life, as I faded from theirs.
My mind jumped and jumped, and was preoccupied with my friend, my ex, filled with memories and events that have taken place over the past three years... As I sat there with eyes closed, things came back to me... Some memories make me feel warm inside, some memories fill me with regret or even hurt...
Let go, let go... It all happened in the past, it is over and done with, and cannot be undone, cannot be relived again...
The strange way the mind works... At one point, suddenly my thoughts turned to mum. I heard the word "selfish, selfish" echo in my head. My mind conjured up this painful, terrible image of her dying... Lying on the floor, yet helpless and no one is around to hear her call for help. I opened my eyes, shocked by the scenery, the imagination that my mind had somehow created out of the fears and uncertainties I'm feeling about not being with mum...
Let go, let go... It is all a fabrication of the mind.
None of it is real... The future is not for anyone to see, let alone fear and dread...
20.49
(notes from a dhamma talk by Ajahn Sona)
How can you help anyone ease their pain and suffering if you yourself have a lot? Many people are well intentioned and hope to help others... Friends, family, strangers, colleagues... Yet they themselves are caught up in confusion, delusion and irritation, and have little peace. How do you hope to offer peace and solace to others when you are seeking it yourself?
Sometimes it takes courage to retreat, to withdraw. Not because you are cowardly and want to shy away from worldly affairs, not because you do not care or have no compassion for the troubles of those you love and care about most. Most of us live and want to change the world, want to change the way people are, the way things are... But change starts within.
It takes time, and there may be a period of solitude and reflection which may appear daunting and frightening. But that is the only way to find peace of mind, and true happiness that is not dependent on the changing nature of the world and of people. Only by realising that in finding peace within can you really hope to offer it to others. Only by realising the meaning of happiness, true compassion and love, can you give to the world and infect others around you with the same.
Meditation was disturbed, sleepy, and my mind wandered a lot.
Something is preoccupying me, and that's whether to fly home, to taiwan, straight after the retreat and after sitting the exam. It seems so ridiculous, I know. Flying off again, putting everything else on hold...
But I'm tempted to see mum and check up on how she's doing... Her image and well-being has been coming and going in my mind. And in a way, I'm tempted to stay away from Montreal longer, so I don't have to go back and face whatever is happening there, namely the situation with my friend.
I know, I'm an escapist, and I like to just get away when things are not going well. It's part of the reason why I'm here, isolated from everything, from everyone else. Get away, get away as far as possible, not because I don't want to deal with things. I'm actually not sure how to deal with things. But because I believe with time and distance things will solve themselves.
To escape... And to delve into my mind and figure out what is unsettling me so.
17.03
This afternoon, in my meditation I saw many things float up...
Faces of people I once went out with when I first started online dating, some five, six years ago. Not many, i can count them with one hand, and I don't think of them at all anymore. One person i can't even remember the name of. But vividly I could see the places we went, the things we did. Nothing ever came of those dates, and they just faded from my life, as I faded from theirs.
My mind jumped and jumped, and was preoccupied with my friend, my ex, filled with memories and events that have taken place over the past three years... As I sat there with eyes closed, things came back to me... Some memories make me feel warm inside, some memories fill me with regret or even hurt...
Let go, let go... It all happened in the past, it is over and done with, and cannot be undone, cannot be relived again...
The strange way the mind works... At one point, suddenly my thoughts turned to mum. I heard the word "selfish, selfish" echo in my head. My mind conjured up this painful, terrible image of her dying... Lying on the floor, yet helpless and no one is around to hear her call for help. I opened my eyes, shocked by the scenery, the imagination that my mind had somehow created out of the fears and uncertainties I'm feeling about not being with mum...
Let go, let go... It is all a fabrication of the mind.
None of it is real... The future is not for anyone to see, let alone fear and dread...
20.49
(notes from a dhamma talk by Ajahn Sona)
How can you help anyone ease their pain and suffering if you yourself have a lot? Many people are well intentioned and hope to help others... Friends, family, strangers, colleagues... Yet they themselves are caught up in confusion, delusion and irritation, and have little peace. How do you hope to offer peace and solace to others when you are seeking it yourself?
Sometimes it takes courage to retreat, to withdraw. Not because you are cowardly and want to shy away from worldly affairs, not because you do not care or have no compassion for the troubles of those you love and care about most. Most of us live and want to change the world, want to change the way people are, the way things are... But change starts within.
It takes time, and there may be a period of solitude and reflection which may appear daunting and frightening. But that is the only way to find peace of mind, and true happiness that is not dependent on the changing nature of the world and of people. Only by realising that in finding peace within can you really hope to offer it to others. Only by realising the meaning of happiness, true compassion and love, can you give to the world and infect others around you with the same.
23 September 2011
Clarity and lightness
(from a dhamma talk given by Ajahn Sona)
Clarity and lightness, that is what we have come for.
To live a simple life, abide by the eight precepts that will help us realise those characteristics of existence, one we have difficulty reaching in our daily lives.
refraining from intoxicants, from lying, from entertainment and luxury... And perhaps most challenging of all, refraining from sexual conduct, the one human experience that so encapsulates all extremes of physical and emotional contact.
All of these simple restraints will help us detach from the attachments and worldly material objects we are so used to in daily life. For ten days, all we have to work with, all we have to work on, is the mind. No phones, no Internet connections, no need for study or the learning of great long texts. Just study mind, how it works, how it runs around, and how to tame it. Loose all the mundane chores, loose all the attachments to things and people we normally have.
I've been told I'm insane to isolate myself for so long. But really, how many people are there who can take the time out, who willingly put their life on halt in the pursuit of spiritual wellbeing and development?
It won't be easy, and it will take time to settle down and bring your mind and body to this one place. But once that can be done, there is a lot of inner potential to be discovered... You can free yourself from fear, free yourself from constant worry, free whims of desire and longing, free yourself from being a driven by changes of emotions, which sway and change like the wind. You can liberate yourself, lift yourself up, and feel a sense of tranquility and happiness unmatched by anything that the material world can provide
In the end, if you succeed, there can be more clarity, and you will feel lighter.
Clarity and lightness, that is what we have come for.
To live a simple life, abide by the eight precepts that will help us realise those characteristics of existence, one we have difficulty reaching in our daily lives.
refraining from intoxicants, from lying, from entertainment and luxury... And perhaps most challenging of all, refraining from sexual conduct, the one human experience that so encapsulates all extremes of physical and emotional contact.
All of these simple restraints will help us detach from the attachments and worldly material objects we are so used to in daily life. For ten days, all we have to work with, all we have to work on, is the mind. No phones, no Internet connections, no need for study or the learning of great long texts. Just study mind, how it works, how it runs around, and how to tame it. Loose all the mundane chores, loose all the attachments to things and people we normally have.
I've been told I'm insane to isolate myself for so long. But really, how many people are there who can take the time out, who willingly put their life on halt in the pursuit of spiritual wellbeing and development?
It won't be easy, and it will take time to settle down and bring your mind and body to this one place. But once that can be done, there is a lot of inner potential to be discovered... You can free yourself from fear, free yourself from constant worry, free whims of desire and longing, free yourself from being a driven by changes of emotions, which sway and change like the wind. You can liberate yourself, lift yourself up, and feel a sense of tranquility and happiness unmatched by anything that the material world can provide
In the end, if you succeed, there can be more clarity, and you will feel lighter.
Away...
At the airline lounge, half an hour or so before boarding. It's empty here, somewhat like what I'm feeling right now. outside the window a row of planes are waiting to take off. Soon enough it will me soaring into the skies...
My friend stayed the night, and we slept next to one another. We spooned one another, and I wanted those moments to last forever... I'm in his arms, he in mine... No one else, nothing else. Being so close to another person, feeling his warmth, feeling the softness of his breath, the gentleness of his touch, the smoothness of his beautiful skin, is more intoxicating than anything else, more intimate than simple sex...
Alas there can be a long time, there can be a short time, there is a night, there can be "five more minutes". Nothing lasts forever.
He accompanied me to the bus station, and we exchanged our last words. I looked into his eyes, beautifully glistening in the morning sun. He forced a smile, I did too.
What was behind his smile? Behind mine was some unwillingness to go, some doubt about when I will be back again, and the certainty that while I'm away I'll think of him, miss him. The bus pulled away, I waved, he waved.
He turned away and walked away, looking smart in a dark suit. In his hand, he carried a little sack containing his gym things, and a card I had hidden for him to read. "Find your peace..." he said to me. I hope that he too will find peace and happiness that he so longs for.
Later at the airport, I spoke to mum. As soon as I put down the phone, there will be no communication for the coming ten days. And I'm very afraid of that.
Two days after her latest treatment, she still sounded tired and somewhat pensive. The painkillers infuse a state of drowsiness into her days now, but at least they help to mask the pain. She does not know it, but I have the keys to the house, and I can go see her in twelve days time. All I need to do is cross the ocean.
Mum went on for a few moments about how the markets are diving again. I could not really hear her... All I could think of, all I could see is her in that house all by herself. That makes me sad. Retired, with the potential to enjoy her life finally, but she lost her husband, and is losing her health... I told her to take good care, repeated what by now is the same chant about how she should eat well, how she should exercise and go outdoors.
She hears this so often now, I wondered to myself whether my words have any effect at all. I wish so often, as I wished when I spoke to her earlier, I could hold her hand, hug her tightly, and tell her all these things in person. I wish I could do that and much more instead having to suppress my sobs and tears while I'm on the phone with her. I wish I could tell her how much I love her, how much I pray and hope that she is well, free from pain, and strong.
"Be brave," I said. Those were my last words to mum. She will no doubt be on my mind...
I'm going away to find my peace. I wish i did not have to, but it is for the best, i know. I'm leaving home and the familiar surroundings and comfort of what I have grown so used to to find myself, when in fact everything is in the mind and how I choose to perceive things and people around me.
Looking back at my diary, which contained notes and scribbles from exactly a year ago, I emerged from the monastery charged and rejuvenated. I was reminded of how for a few moments during my retreat, I found true bliss, true happiness that is independent of anyone, that is not dependent on anything. For a few brief moments, my mind reached a state of blankness that was serene and stable, that was free from confusion, lust or fears.
I know what is gone cannot be recreated, cannot be felt again. But I do hope at least some peace and quiet In the seclusion of the forest will lift the troubles, emotional upheavals and events that have filled my life an disturbed me so over the past year
The moment I enter that monastery, there is nothing more I can do, nothing more I can say to change things and the ways of the world. Things will happen in my absence, things I will found out, if that, only after I emerge. And it will all have happened, it will all have passed...
But I can change my mind, change myself and how I relate to everything else around me. I can learn to let go of the people and events that trouble me so, learn to be with myself, with my mind, and learn to tame it.
It is the perhaps most difficult task of all, and most people don't dare or don't know how to look inward to see the disturbances and ugliness that is often simmering inside... Most people don't know how to cultivate the tranquility and compassion of the mind and heart...
But I will try. And I hope, for my sake, and for the sake of others in my life, I will be one step closer to dropping a lot of the baggage that is weighing down on my shoulders.
My friend stayed the night, and we slept next to one another. We spooned one another, and I wanted those moments to last forever... I'm in his arms, he in mine... No one else, nothing else. Being so close to another person, feeling his warmth, feeling the softness of his breath, the gentleness of his touch, the smoothness of his beautiful skin, is more intoxicating than anything else, more intimate than simple sex...
Alas there can be a long time, there can be a short time, there is a night, there can be "five more minutes". Nothing lasts forever.
He accompanied me to the bus station, and we exchanged our last words. I looked into his eyes, beautifully glistening in the morning sun. He forced a smile, I did too.
What was behind his smile? Behind mine was some unwillingness to go, some doubt about when I will be back again, and the certainty that while I'm away I'll think of him, miss him. The bus pulled away, I waved, he waved.
He turned away and walked away, looking smart in a dark suit. In his hand, he carried a little sack containing his gym things, and a card I had hidden for him to read. "Find your peace..." he said to me. I hope that he too will find peace and happiness that he so longs for.
Later at the airport, I spoke to mum. As soon as I put down the phone, there will be no communication for the coming ten days. And I'm very afraid of that.
Two days after her latest treatment, she still sounded tired and somewhat pensive. The painkillers infuse a state of drowsiness into her days now, but at least they help to mask the pain. She does not know it, but I have the keys to the house, and I can go see her in twelve days time. All I need to do is cross the ocean.
Mum went on for a few moments about how the markets are diving again. I could not really hear her... All I could think of, all I could see is her in that house all by herself. That makes me sad. Retired, with the potential to enjoy her life finally, but she lost her husband, and is losing her health... I told her to take good care, repeated what by now is the same chant about how she should eat well, how she should exercise and go outdoors.
She hears this so often now, I wondered to myself whether my words have any effect at all. I wish so often, as I wished when I spoke to her earlier, I could hold her hand, hug her tightly, and tell her all these things in person. I wish I could do that and much more instead having to suppress my sobs and tears while I'm on the phone with her. I wish I could tell her how much I love her, how much I pray and hope that she is well, free from pain, and strong.
"Be brave," I said. Those were my last words to mum. She will no doubt be on my mind...
I'm going away to find my peace. I wish i did not have to, but it is for the best, i know. I'm leaving home and the familiar surroundings and comfort of what I have grown so used to to find myself, when in fact everything is in the mind and how I choose to perceive things and people around me.
Looking back at my diary, which contained notes and scribbles from exactly a year ago, I emerged from the monastery charged and rejuvenated. I was reminded of how for a few moments during my retreat, I found true bliss, true happiness that is independent of anyone, that is not dependent on anything. For a few brief moments, my mind reached a state of blankness that was serene and stable, that was free from confusion, lust or fears.
I know what is gone cannot be recreated, cannot be felt again. But I do hope at least some peace and quiet In the seclusion of the forest will lift the troubles, emotional upheavals and events that have filled my life an disturbed me so over the past year
The moment I enter that monastery, there is nothing more I can do, nothing more I can say to change things and the ways of the world. Things will happen in my absence, things I will found out, if that, only after I emerge. And it will all have happened, it will all have passed...
But I can change my mind, change myself and how I relate to everything else around me. I can learn to let go of the people and events that trouble me so, learn to be with myself, with my mind, and learn to tame it.
It is the perhaps most difficult task of all, and most people don't dare or don't know how to look inward to see the disturbances and ugliness that is often simmering inside... Most people don't know how to cultivate the tranquility and compassion of the mind and heart...
But I will try. And I hope, for my sake, and for the sake of others in my life, I will be one step closer to dropping a lot of the baggage that is weighing down on my shoulders.
22 September 2011
Piercing through
It had just rained, and the sun was breaking through. I jogged down my street, suburbia with mowed lawns, white picket faces and wondering cats. And something caught my eye...
A shock of red adorning a tree. Others have not yet put on such crimson blush, not yet, but this one tree was brave and bold. I continued jogging, but could not keep my eyes off of the redness, the bright redness that seem to shine and glimmer.
Through the park I jogged, and it was beautiful. The rain dampened the world, and left a thin, thin veil of mist floating like free clouds just above the wet grass fields. The forest looked enchanting, like an inviting and mysterious unknown waiting to be explored. And the sun's rays pierced through, sending curtains of light shooting through the crevices between trees and the still dense foliage. I was reminded of the beautiful sunrises and sunsets I experienced last year at the monastery, and am looking forward to seeing many more...
After the rain, the world feels cleansed and refreshed, untainted and pure again. All the haze of the brewing rain, all the dust of the oppressive heat early have now vanished. And what is left behind is a tranquil peace, a tranquil scene, and a temporarily tranquiled mind that admired and treasured that beautiful moment in the forest...
flash of an image
I was studying, and momentarily glanced at my notebook. When on standby, pictures from my photo album flash buy...
...And I saw one of mum, standing in the forest, smiling beautifully in the morning sun. I must have clandestinely taken that picture when she was not looking...
That flash of an image somehow triggered something in me and I cried.
I became so scared... so very very scared. That smile, will I see that again? Fuelled by news of two mother's who have just recently passed away (even though I do not know them personally), my mind became disturbed with images of death, of mum in her final moment... The pain was overwhelming, and tears oozed out of my eyelids.
How have I become so fragile? When did I become such a fragile mess, so sensitive to emotional downs and tears? Is it because I was for a while too dependent on one person? Is it because I allowed myself to become vulnerable, and now find it hard to pull myself together and push forward? I forget now what it feels like to be happy... to be really happy and free from worry, free from fear and anxiety...
I wish I could contain the sadness, the fear. But I cannot. And what makes it worse is that I have very little to rely on to vent my fears and tears now. I have lost that support I have grown so accustomed to. In fact, just yesterday, my friend (my ex) and I were just talking about it... about how he was worried that if something should happen I have nobody to turn to. His friend, the one who just lost her mum to cancer, has terrible downs and moments. But she has a husband, someone more than a friend, who can offer all the patience, consolation, empathy and time to comfort and grieve together with her in times of need. And what greater need is there when you lose a loved one, when you lose a parent?
Mum's picture, mum's smile flashed across my screen, and then moments later disappeared. One day, she really will disappear. And am I strong enough for it? Am I ready for it on my own? Am I going to be able to face it without breaking down, without tearing my heart and my mind apart...?
The tears trickling down now tell me no...
...And I saw one of mum, standing in the forest, smiling beautifully in the morning sun. I must have clandestinely taken that picture when she was not looking...
That flash of an image somehow triggered something in me and I cried.
I became so scared... so very very scared. That smile, will I see that again? Fuelled by news of two mother's who have just recently passed away (even though I do not know them personally), my mind became disturbed with images of death, of mum in her final moment... The pain was overwhelming, and tears oozed out of my eyelids.
How have I become so fragile? When did I become such a fragile mess, so sensitive to emotional downs and tears? Is it because I was for a while too dependent on one person? Is it because I allowed myself to become vulnerable, and now find it hard to pull myself together and push forward? I forget now what it feels like to be happy... to be really happy and free from worry, free from fear and anxiety...
I wish I could contain the sadness, the fear. But I cannot. And what makes it worse is that I have very little to rely on to vent my fears and tears now. I have lost that support I have grown so accustomed to. In fact, just yesterday, my friend (my ex) and I were just talking about it... about how he was worried that if something should happen I have nobody to turn to. His friend, the one who just lost her mum to cancer, has terrible downs and moments. But she has a husband, someone more than a friend, who can offer all the patience, consolation, empathy and time to comfort and grieve together with her in times of need. And what greater need is there when you lose a loved one, when you lose a parent?
Mum's picture, mum's smile flashed across my screen, and then moments later disappeared. One day, she really will disappear. And am I strong enough for it? Am I ready for it on my own? Am I going to be able to face it without breaking down, without tearing my heart and my mind apart...?
The tears trickling down now tell me no...
last morning
I spent the last night with my friend. Perhaps the last night for a long, long time to come, as I will be gone by this time tomorrow. We lay close to one another, naked, our bodies and warmth touching. I would wake up every few hours and pull in closer to him, snuggle up and put my arms around him.
Come morning, I saw him off as he rushed off to attend a conference. He looked beautiful, smart in his suit and tie. He smiled at me, and I waved and wished him a good day. Such a simple, beautiful moment... for a moment I felt like we were a couple, and I was seeing him off, kissing him on the cheeks as he went out for the day as I am about to begin my own. But that is not the case. We are just two friends, who sleep with one another, who have feelings for one another that cannot be said... feelings that are afraid to be shared because of the akwardness, because of not wanting to be reminded of what we had, and not wanting to be reminded of what we seem to be on the verge of loosing... In my mind, I will for a long time remember that beautiful image of him walking down the corridor in his suit, holding his briefcase, and his overwhelming scent lingering long after he left....
To the office I headed to finish off my final stretch of studying before I leave. One more chapter to read, and then I will have to just make do with what I have covered for the exam in two weeks' time. I called mum to check up on her...
And again I ended up crying quietly as I spoke to her.
It took a while before mum picked up the phone. She sounded sleepy, like she had just woken up. She wasn't sleeping, just laying down to rest her arm. It feels less sore that way, or at least, more comfortable. She said she had difficulty making a meal, and for a while, her arm was too weak to do the dishes.
She said she had just taken pain killers, and it'd take a while till the pain subsides, or is not felt. For six hours or so. The whole day she has been just lying around, tired and lethargic. It's always like this, she said, "You know how it is..."
I do know, but I cannot help but feel so upset, so responsible for some reason, even though I know if I were next to her, I can do nothing more than console her and comfort her as I am doing over the phone. I teared quietly as I told her "Please eat well... please take care of yourself, and be strong..." They were such simple powerful words, but so difficult to say.
My mind drifted to news of a friend whose mother just passed away. At a moment's notice, she returned home... And the mother of a friend of a friend passed away after years battling cancer. I don't even know the people who passed away, but I feel as if I could feel their pain, feel their sadness, even though I know pain and sadness are such person, personal emotions...
Come morning, I saw him off as he rushed off to attend a conference. He looked beautiful, smart in his suit and tie. He smiled at me, and I waved and wished him a good day. Such a simple, beautiful moment... for a moment I felt like we were a couple, and I was seeing him off, kissing him on the cheeks as he went out for the day as I am about to begin my own. But that is not the case. We are just two friends, who sleep with one another, who have feelings for one another that cannot be said... feelings that are afraid to be shared because of the akwardness, because of not wanting to be reminded of what we had, and not wanting to be reminded of what we seem to be on the verge of loosing... In my mind, I will for a long time remember that beautiful image of him walking down the corridor in his suit, holding his briefcase, and his overwhelming scent lingering long after he left....
To the office I headed to finish off my final stretch of studying before I leave. One more chapter to read, and then I will have to just make do with what I have covered for the exam in two weeks' time. I called mum to check up on her...
And again I ended up crying quietly as I spoke to her.
It took a while before mum picked up the phone. She sounded sleepy, like she had just woken up. She wasn't sleeping, just laying down to rest her arm. It feels less sore that way, or at least, more comfortable. She said she had difficulty making a meal, and for a while, her arm was too weak to do the dishes.
She said she had just taken pain killers, and it'd take a while till the pain subsides, or is not felt. For six hours or so. The whole day she has been just lying around, tired and lethargic. It's always like this, she said, "You know how it is..."
I do know, but I cannot help but feel so upset, so responsible for some reason, even though I know if I were next to her, I can do nothing more than console her and comfort her as I am doing over the phone. I teared quietly as I told her "Please eat well... please take care of yourself, and be strong..." They were such simple powerful words, but so difficult to say.
My mind drifted to news of a friend whose mother just passed away. At a moment's notice, she returned home... And the mother of a friend of a friend passed away after years battling cancer. I don't even know the people who passed away, but I feel as if I could feel their pain, feel their sadness, even though I know pain and sadness are such person, personal emotions...
20 September 2011
Two more days
Two more days till I leave, and I fill so stressed. Not that I'm unprepared to leave, just I have a lot of material to cover still for the first exam I'm about to do on 3 October.
As I'll be in a retreat, there's really not much time for me to study, so I need to at least have read everything at least once before I leave. So many pages to go through, and to be honest I'm a little lost how much I'm supposed to know and greatly overwhelmed by the cases and articles i still need to read.
At the same time, I feel distracted, tired and weighed down, verging on breakdown. I'm so lost in thought and numbed by the emotional ups and downs of the past few weeks i don't know where to begin, how to begin describing what I'm feeling. relationship woes, mum's I'll health... I know they occupy a lot of my mind and dreams... Two reoccurring themes on my life that have cast such a heavy shadow over my life and my mind, two things I cannot easily just let go off and stop thinking about.
I know when the moment I step into the monastery I will calm down and recover my peace... But till then, a long few days I need to face full on and overcome.
As I'll be in a retreat, there's really not much time for me to study, so I need to at least have read everything at least once before I leave. So many pages to go through, and to be honest I'm a little lost how much I'm supposed to know and greatly overwhelmed by the cases and articles i still need to read.
At the same time, I feel distracted, tired and weighed down, verging on breakdown. I'm so lost in thought and numbed by the emotional ups and downs of the past few weeks i don't know where to begin, how to begin describing what I'm feeling. relationship woes, mum's I'll health... I know they occupy a lot of my mind and dreams... Two reoccurring themes on my life that have cast such a heavy shadow over my life and my mind, two things I cannot easily just let go off and stop thinking about.
I know when the moment I step into the monastery I will calm down and recover my peace... But till then, a long few days I need to face full on and overcome.
waking up
Let me be your shelter
Let me be your light
You're safe, no one will find you
Your fears are far behind you
All I want is freedom
A world with no more night
And you, always beside me
To hold me and to hide me
Sometimes you wake up and wonder: why am I here? and that feeling is even more accentuated when you wake up next to someone you have been intimate with.
My friend (the ex) asked me over last night, and just before I arrived he warned me that he was busy helping someone. Well, not just someone, but the guy he has strong feelings for.
I waited around outside till he was done before I headed to his apartment. I was uncomfortable, despite him inviting me over while he finished up what they were doing together. I felt like I was intruding in something private, and I didn't have to see it happening before my eyes. Almost as soon as I got in he began explaining how there was nothing going on, how they are just friends. He even offered to show me the details of their chat history.
I sat there wondering why he was telling me all this. We are not a couple any more, yet he feels the need to explain why he is in contact with the friend. He kept on saying they're "just friends", but the more he said that the less comfortable and welcome I felt. I felt me being there was coming in the middle of something, even though he assured me nothing was happening. Didn't he say they were "just friends" when we were officially together? And didn't going to a concert "as friends" eventually led to the break down and break up of our relationship...?
I am not trying to pick at old wounds, and I don't spite myself for trying to help a friend. But I find it strange why he feels so compelled to convince me there is nothing going on between them. Is it for my sake, or for his own? Who am I to say who he can or cannot be in touch with? I didn't say anything when we were going out, and now, as just "a friend", I have even less say. What I simply don't want to misled into believing they are "just friends" again, and sometime down the line be told it was more than that. I have gone through that already, and I don't want to go through that, all that hurt from realising something I never saw or wanted to see...
It is the reason why now I find myself withdrawing, why I stop myself from expressing my deeper feelings, my deeper thoughts to my friend. I feel I have lost that sense of shelter I have so miraculously found.... lost that sense of comfort I stumbled across which told me it is alright to open up, it is alright to share my life with someone I trust, someone I love...
I am full of contradictions, I know, and often I surprise myself in the way I think and the way I behave.
Last night we had yet another powerful and passionate night together like no other. It felt like no other before, for we explored each other in ways we never before explored, and discovered rough and soft touches that are so very arousing. We fell asleep, drunken with sex and intimacy in each others embrace...
Come morning, I was dazed and lost. As wonderful as last night was, there was emptiness at the end of it all... Feelings that cannot be shared, thoughts that are unrevealed, kisses on the lips that cannot be exchanged. Something is in the way, something is keeping us apart, and I am tired of trying to figure out what, tired of not knowing who I am, to myself and to him.
I know between us it's never been just sex. We are not just 'friends with benefits". But it's less than love in the sense that we are in a relationship when there is just one person there and no one else. And it's a cause of unsatisfactoriness, of suspicion, of jealousy. At times I find myself wondering, after being intimate, after waking up, who I really am to him... Who am I really?
Three more days till I go away, till I leave this all behind. He jokes that I'll go away and come back full of lust and wanting pleasure. Maybe, maybe... But I do hope time and distance apart will give us both clarity of mind and thought, and make that emptiness inside go away...
I do hope there will be more clarity when I come back, so I can leave some things behind and finally, really, move on in whatever way.
19 September 2011
Black blood
Mum was audibly tired.
The tiredness was in her voice, in the way she spoke. I toned down my cheerful tone when I realised what she had gone through.
She went into hospital early in the morning to take a blood sample. The nurse had difficulty finding veins in her arm, and when the blood was drawn, it was dark, almost black. The nurse was alarmed. "Have you been doing chemotherapy?" Mum said yes.
It stunned me to hear that. Black blood. How can that be? I've been with her so many times in the past, watched (and cringed) as she bravely had blood drawn with a syringe, watched as the blood slowly filled up the tune and dyed it red. But how is it now that it is black in colour? Is something wrong? I cringed at the imagination, and my heart sunk again. The nurse is also a little lost why the blood looks so dark.
"You don't need to call everyday," she said, "You must be busy preparing for your exam, and preparing for your trip." She reassured me again she will be fine. She is scheduled to return to hospital for an appointment with her main physician, and then back to the hospital in the morning to resume her bi-weekly treatment.
If she sounds weak now, how would she feel after her treatment? I have seen what the treatment does to her...
I cringed and closed my eyes. "Collect myself, collect myself... be strong, be strong..." I heard myself saying to myself.
The tiredness was in her voice, in the way she spoke. I toned down my cheerful tone when I realised what she had gone through.
She went into hospital early in the morning to take a blood sample. The nurse had difficulty finding veins in her arm, and when the blood was drawn, it was dark, almost black. The nurse was alarmed. "Have you been doing chemotherapy?" Mum said yes.
It stunned me to hear that. Black blood. How can that be? I've been with her so many times in the past, watched (and cringed) as she bravely had blood drawn with a syringe, watched as the blood slowly filled up the tune and dyed it red. But how is it now that it is black in colour? Is something wrong? I cringed at the imagination, and my heart sunk again. The nurse is also a little lost why the blood looks so dark.
"You don't need to call everyday," she said, "You must be busy preparing for your exam, and preparing for your trip." She reassured me again she will be fine. She is scheduled to return to hospital for an appointment with her main physician, and then back to the hospital in the morning to resume her bi-weekly treatment.
If she sounds weak now, how would she feel after her treatment? I have seen what the treatment does to her...
I cringed and closed my eyes. "Collect myself, collect myself... be strong, be strong..." I heard myself saying to myself.
ça marche
"David...
Jacob...
Jean-Claude...
Marie-Claire..."
Names. Such common names of common people. I heard my name, and the name of my newborn nephew. And that chilled me so.
Names. Lists of names. Faceless names, names of people I have never met, and I will never ever have the chance to meet. A slight shiver went up my spine. Chilling, haunting, sad...
I walked slowly on as more names were read out over a microphone, alternating between the solemn voice of man and a woman. The sun was so bright, yet for a few moments there was an atmosphere of gloom as the names of victims of AIDS were read out. Silent dancers dressed in black moved their bodies in tortured movements.
A number of marchers stood quietly and looked down. A girl wiped the tear from the corner of her moistened eye. A white balloon attached to the zipper of a friend, which till this point had been flying wildly in our faces, seemed to bow in respect.
With a number of friends, I embarked on my third Ça Marche walk. There were many wearing matching white T-shirts, the back of which you could write how many marches you have attended. For many it was the first time, but I saw one who was taking part for the fifteenth time.
Another beautiful morning, and it began again at a square colloured by red and white balloons and people from all walks of life. Children, families, gay couples, the young and the old, and even dogs joined the walk to raise awareness about AIDS and demystify common misconceptions. Because, as one clever placard read, "Judging spreads AIDS". A powerful ad campaign by La Vie portrays couples holding one another and engaged in very intimate acts. But all over their bodies are symbolically the arms and hands of their past partners. when you sleep with someone, you also sleep with their past, goes the caption.
A little care, a little precaution, a little more understanding and compassion can go a long, long way...
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