flash of an image

I was studying, and momentarily glanced at my notebook. When on standby, pictures from my photo album flash buy...

...And I saw one of mum, standing in the forest, smiling beautifully in the morning sun. I must have clandestinely taken that picture when she was not looking...

That flash of an image somehow triggered something in me and I cried.

I became so scared... so very very scared. That smile, will I see that again? Fuelled by news of two mother's who have just recently passed away (even though I do not know them personally), my mind became disturbed with images of death, of mum in her final moment... The pain was overwhelming, and tears oozed out of my eyelids.

How have I become so fragile? When did I become such a fragile mess, so sensitive to emotional downs and tears? Is it because I was for a while too dependent on one person? Is it because I allowed myself to become vulnerable, and now find it hard to pull myself together and push forward? I forget now what it feels like to be happy... to be really happy and free from worry, free from fear and anxiety... 

I wish I could contain the sadness, the fear. But I cannot. And what makes it worse is that I have very little to rely on to vent my fears and tears now. I have lost that support I have grown so accustomed to. In fact, just yesterday, my friend (my ex) and I were just talking about it... about how he was worried that if something should happen I have nobody to turn to. His friend, the one who just lost her mum to cancer, has terrible downs and moments. But she has a husband, someone more than a friend, who can offer all the patience, consolation, empathy and time to comfort and grieve together with her in times of need. And what greater need is there when you lose a loved one, when you lose a parent?

Mum's picture, mum's smile flashed across my screen, and then moments later disappeared. One day, she really will disappear. And am I strong enough for it? Am I ready for it on my own? Am I going to be able to face it without breaking down, without tearing my heart and my mind apart...?

The tears trickling down now tell me no...