last morning

I spent the last night with my friend. Perhaps the last night for a long, long time to come, as I will be gone by this time tomorrow. We lay close to one another, naked, our bodies and warmth touching. I would wake up every few hours and pull in closer to him, snuggle up and put my arms around him.

Come morning, I saw him off as he rushed off to attend a conference. He looked beautiful, smart in his suit and tie. He smiled at me, and I waved and wished him a good day. Such a simple, beautiful moment... for a moment I felt like we were a couple, and I was seeing him off, kissing him on the cheeks as he went out for the day as I am about to begin my own. But that is not the case. We are just two friends, who sleep with one another, who have feelings for one another that cannot be said... feelings that are afraid to be shared because of the akwardness, because of not wanting to be reminded of what we had, and not wanting to be reminded of what we seem to be on the verge of loosing... In my mind, I will for a long time remember that beautiful image of him walking down the corridor in his suit, holding his briefcase, and his overwhelming scent lingering long after he left....

To the office I headed to finish off my final stretch of studying before I leave. One more chapter to read, and then I will have to just make do with what I have covered for the exam in two weeks' time. I called mum to check up on her...

And again I ended up crying quietly as I spoke to her.

It took a while before mum picked up the phone. She sounded sleepy, like she had just woken up.  She wasn't sleeping, just laying down to rest her arm. It feels less sore that way, or at least, more comfortable. She said she had difficulty making a meal, and for a while, her arm was too weak to do the dishes.

She said she had just taken pain killers, and it'd take a while till the pain subsides, or is not felt. For six hours or so. The whole day she has been just lying around, tired and lethargic. It's always like this, she said, "You know how it is..."

I do know, but I cannot help but feel so upset, so responsible for some reason, even though I know if I were next to her, I can do nothing more than console her and comfort her as I am doing over the phone. I teared quietly as I told her "Please eat well... please take care of yourself, and be strong..." They were such simple powerful words, but so difficult to say.

My mind drifted to news of a friend whose mother just passed away. At a moment's notice, she returned home... And the mother of a friend of a friend passed away after years battling cancer. I don't even know the people who passed away, but I feel as if I could feel their pain, feel their sadness, even though I know pain and sadness are such person, personal emotions...