waking up

Let me be your shelter
Let me be your light
You're safe, no one will find you
Your fears are far behind you


All I want is freedom
A world with no more night
And you, always beside me
To hold me and to hide me 

Sometimes you wake up and wonder: why am I here? and that feeling is even more accentuated when you wake up next to someone you have been intimate with.

My friend (the ex) asked me over last night, and just before I arrived he warned me that he was busy helping someone. Well, not just someone, but the guy he has strong feelings for.

 I waited around outside till he was done before I headed to his apartment. I was uncomfortable, despite him inviting me over while he finished up what they were doing together. I felt like I was intruding in something private, and I didn't have to see it happening before my eyes. Almost as soon as I got in he began explaining how there was nothing going on, how they are just friends. He even offered to show me the details of their chat history.

I sat there wondering why he was telling me all this. We are not a couple any more, yet he feels the need to explain why he is in contact with the friend.  He kept on saying they're "just friends", but the more he said that the less comfortable and welcome I felt. I felt me being there was coming in the middle of something, even though he assured me nothing was happening. Didn't he say they were "just friends" when we were officially together? And didn't going to a concert "as friends" eventually led to the break down and break up of our relationship...?

I am not trying to pick at old wounds, and I don't spite myself for trying to help a friend. But I find it strange why he feels so compelled to convince me there is nothing going on between them. Is it for my sake, or for his own? Who am I to say who he can or cannot be in touch with? I didn't say anything when we were going out, and now, as just "a friend", I have even less say. What I simply don't want to misled into believing they are "just friends" again, and sometime down the line be told it was more than that. I have gone through that already, and I don't want to go through that, all that hurt from realising something I never saw or wanted to see...

It is the reason why now I find myself withdrawing, why I stop myself from expressing my deeper feelings, my deeper thoughts to my friend. I feel I have lost that sense of shelter I have so miraculously found.... lost that sense of comfort I stumbled across which told me it is alright to open up, it is alright to share my life with someone I trust, someone I love...


I am full of contradictions, I know, and often I surprise myself in the way I think and the way I behave.
Last night we had yet another powerful and passionate night together like no other. It felt like no other before, for we explored each other in ways we never before explored, and discovered rough and soft touches that are so very arousing. We fell asleep, drunken with sex and intimacy in each others embrace...

Come morning, I was dazed and lost. As wonderful as last night was, there was emptiness at the end of it all... Feelings that cannot be shared, thoughts that are unrevealed, kisses on the lips that cannot be exchanged. Something is in the way, something is keeping us apart, and I am tired of trying to figure out what, tired of not knowing who I am, to myself and to him.

I know between us it's never been just sex. We are not just 'friends with benefits". But it's less than love in the sense that we are in a relationship when there is just one person there and no one else. And it's a cause of unsatisfactoriness, of suspicion, of jealousy. At times I  find myself wondering, after being intimate, after waking up,  who I really am to him... Who am I really?

Three more days till I go away, till I leave this all behind. He jokes that I'll go away and come back full of lust and wanting pleasure. Maybe, maybe... But I do hope time and distance apart will give us both clarity of mind and thought, and make that emptiness inside go away...

I do hope there will be more clarity when I come back, so I can leave some things behind and finally, really, move on in whatever way.