Second day

Had a rough night of sleep, as my room mate snores. Fell asleep for only a few hours, the rest of the time, I lay awake listening to the snoring and feeling too warm and agitated.

Meditation was disturbed, sleepy, and my mind wandered a lot.

Something is preoccupying me, and that's whether to fly home, to taiwan, straight after the retreat and after sitting the exam. It seems so ridiculous, I know. Flying off again, putting everything else on hold...

But I'm tempted to see mum and check up on how she's doing... Her image and well-being has been coming and going in my mind. And in a way, I'm tempted to stay away from Montreal longer, so I don't have to go back and face whatever is happening there, namely the situation with my friend.

I know, I'm an escapist, and I like to just get away when things are not going well. It's part of the reason why I'm here, isolated from everything, from everyone else. Get away, get away as far as possible, not because I don't want to deal with things. I'm actually not sure how to deal with things. But because I believe with time and distance things will solve themselves.

To escape... And to delve into my mind and figure out what is unsettling me so.


17.03

This afternoon, in my meditation I saw many things float up...

Faces of people I once went out with when I first started online dating, some five, six years ago. Not many, i can count them with one hand, and I don't think of them at all anymore. One person i can't even remember the name of. But vividly I could see the places we went, the things we did. Nothing ever came of those dates, and they just faded from my life, as I faded from theirs.

My mind jumped and jumped, and was preoccupied with my friend, my ex, filled with memories and events that have taken place over the past three years... As I sat there with eyes closed, things came back to me... Some memories make me feel warm inside, some memories fill me with regret or even hurt...

Let go, let go... It all happened in the past, it is over and done with, and cannot be undone, cannot be relived again...

The strange way the mind works... At one point, suddenly my thoughts turned to mum. I heard the word "selfish, selfish" echo in my head. My mind conjured up this painful, terrible image of her dying... Lying on the floor, yet helpless and no one is around to hear her call for help. I opened my eyes, shocked by the scenery, the imagination that my mind had somehow created out of the fears and  uncertainties I'm feeling about not being with mum...

Let go, let go... It is all a fabrication of the mind.

None of it is real... The future is not for anyone to see, let alone fear and dread...

20.49
(notes from a dhamma talk by Ajahn Sona)

How can you help anyone ease their pain and suffering if you yourself have a lot? Many people are well intentioned and hope to help others... Friends, family, strangers, colleagues... Yet they themselves are caught up in confusion, delusion and irritation, and have little peace. How do you hope to offer peace and solace to others when you are seeking it yourself?

Sometimes it takes courage to retreat, to withdraw. Not because you are cowardly and want to shy away from worldly affairs, not because you do not care or have no compassion for the troubles of those you love and care about most. Most of us live and want to change the world, want to change the way people are, the way things are... But change starts within.

It takes time, and there may be a period of solitude and reflection which may appear daunting and frightening. But that is the only way to find peace of mind, and true happiness that is not dependent on the changing nature of the world and of people. Only by realising that in finding peace within can you really hope to offer it to others. Only by realising the meaning of happiness, true compassion and love, can you give to the world and infect others around you with the same.