I just collapsed into bed and fell asleep as soon as I got home. Tired, and extremely upset.
The second (or third?) time in as many days, somebody "poured cold water in my face", and said my efforts trying to balance work and studying is "useless" and that I should not complain of fatigue. It really got me in a foul mood, and just dragged me deep down (to be fair the person has since apologised through a message). Should have come home and studied, but instead I just put my books to the side and closed my eyess.
I really just hate it to be told that what I do is not valuable work. Sure, I may not be making much money, but finally I have been on a roll and am enjoying the research and writing aspect of my job. Finally, after over a year at my job, I am beginning to feel somewhat important and valued by my colleagues, especially my boss who dropped by earlier today and told me again how he wishes to see me go into a doctorate programme.
Over the past few months, I've edited three volumes that will be published. It's no easy feat, took hours of sitting down and reading through hundreds of pages of sometimes poorly written work of others. And I took on a project to write a chapter on a topic that was of interest but that I knew little about. and at the same time, I've had to also try to study for an exam in January, and now another onecoming up in less than ten days. All the while, I've had to content with poor health and also the emotional upset of going home and commemorating my late parents.
It's been a stressful few months, and made worse by the fact that my beloved homeland, with each passing day, seems to descent more and more into chaos and ruin. The worry I feel
I'm looking for praise or sympathy, but just some recognition and understanding is enough to make me feel I'm doing something instead of make me feel (as I do now) I'm wasting my life and my time doing useless work.
I am tired. But seems like I have no right to complain because (as someone said) I chose to do these things, and working as a lawyer is nothing compared to the level of work I do now. That may be true, but it just seriously undermines all that I do. And to add salt to injury, today someone came by while I was studying and told me it's pointless to study now because I'll never finish and understand everything till the exam.
What a thing to say to someone trying his best to study and juggle work!
Again, I have to say, it is times like this I wish I had my parents, or someone close, who can be encouraging and speak to me softly, who can empathise and give me a (metaphoric) pat on the back and remind me I am doing ok. My boss seems to think so, he seems to be someone who remembers what I have struggled with and gone through over the past few years, but why does it seem like nobody else does?
Just because I have a smile on my face does not mean Im not hurting still or feeling pain.
Am I just too soft and can't just dismiss people's comments? Should I toughen up and be even more uncaring, like people seem to become when they enter the professional track?
I should probably just suck it up. Or dismiss these people who have no clue what I am going through. Either that, or I will torture myself with echoes of their words and lack of compassion.
Maybe I am just a small boy who is still hurting inside and trying to heal in a world where people seem to out to get you and walk over you because you are easy to push down.
