Next week is mum's birthday, when she'll be turning 59. The other day i momentarily relived last year's celebration, for it was the first tine in a long time that brother and me (and at the time, my sister in law) were there to celebrate mum's birthday. I can still remember her face when she saw brother walk through that door unannounced, having flown half way across the world to be there on that special say. How mum laughed and smiled as she held onto that beautiful bouquet of flowers...
I wanted to be there for mum this year, but it's barely been two months since I got back, and as important as I personally feel it is for me to be there, the fatigue of travelling, of being displaced from the comforts of my own home again, was simply too much to handle...
So instead I'll make my 'presence' felt through my absence, and I'm going to send her a little gift box. At first I didn't know what to buy mum, but my boyfriend who had just recently returned from southern France bought a lovely card with a field of lavender, and some lavender-perfumed products. Mum always loved the smell of lavender, and how soothing and calming it is, so I told my boyfriend that would be a very suitable gift, and that mum would undoubtedly be very touched. I myself bought her some coffee beans covered with dark chocloate, one of her favourites....
I was touched by the mere fact that my boyfriend thought of my mum, and remembered how I once told him about her love of the smell and sight of lavender. Today, he took the time and effort to even write in 'Happy Birthday' to her in traditional Chinese characters. As he tried to copy the difficult strokes and lines, he became somewhat frustrated that it wasn't perfect (partly also because I said there was a little mistake). I know he was really doing his best, and i tried to reassure him. perhaps he wanted to impress my mum, and he felt like he messed it up. I may not have been very patient with him, I admit, but i was proud of him for trying.
Perhaps i should have told him that there and then, told him how special I felt that card meant to me, and I believe will also be to my mum. Especially at this time when she is experiencing pain and feeling weak, all the bits of care and compassion will do wonders...
Little words, little gestures, I have always believed touch people in so many ways. And I so hope that receiving the gift package from my boyfriend and me, mum will experience moments of joy and laughter, and hope, from the heartwarming thought that somewhat out there she is cared about and loved
.
28 April 2011
27 April 2011
Weaker
The last few times I spoke to mum, she has audibly been weaker. It's the chemotherapy therapy every two weeks. Even if she tries hard to recover from the sideffects by eating healthy, exercising and resting well, nothing can dispel the toll that the deadly doses of chemicals that she has been injected with has on her mental and physical wellbeing. Even if mum supplements her western medicines with traditional, herbal treatments, there is only so much the body can take... Especially when she has to undergo much of it alone...
A few days ago she said her White blood cell has dropped to 3000 from all the chemotherapy she has been doing. A 'normal' count is 4500-10000 units, and White blood cells are the essential part of the body that keeps diseases and infections at bay... a low count is reflected in tiredness, and fatigue, which by the sounds of it mum is experiencing.
Just calling her, I could hear she was at the oncology ward receiving her seventh invitro chemotherapy since she began early December. When will it stop? How much more cAn she bear? And most important of all, is her condition overall improving? All I can do, however feeble, however poor, however irrelevant, is send mum my goodwishes and prayers when I sit and meditate in silence.
I hate to call her everyday an just talk about her illness, because it reminds her constantly that she is ill, and that I am concerned, even from such a great distance. She always tells me not to worry, not to let things affect my mood and my work...
But it is hard not to, especially being so far away and so powerless to do anything about things... And increasingly I feel I am not really able to talk about things to people, because frankly I feel my problems and fears are burdening them. Even to my boyfriend, however well-intentioned and willing he is to share my burdens, I now only occasionally mention things on my mind and the state of mum's health when he asks.
This blog, regardless of whether anyone reads it, regardless of the quality or the repetitiveness of the writing, is a powerful outlet for me to vent my frustrations and fears when life deals blows to me and to loved ones around me, time and time again. It is what keeps me from breaking down, from just losing that precious, precious gift of hope, and longing that one day I can look back at this all and realise I am able to overcome one of life's most challenging tasks of dealing with sickness and death...
A few days ago she said her White blood cell has dropped to 3000 from all the chemotherapy she has been doing. A 'normal' count is 4500-10000 units, and White blood cells are the essential part of the body that keeps diseases and infections at bay... a low count is reflected in tiredness, and fatigue, which by the sounds of it mum is experiencing.
Just calling her, I could hear she was at the oncology ward receiving her seventh invitro chemotherapy since she began early December. When will it stop? How much more cAn she bear? And most important of all, is her condition overall improving? All I can do, however feeble, however poor, however irrelevant, is send mum my goodwishes and prayers when I sit and meditate in silence.
I hate to call her everyday an just talk about her illness, because it reminds her constantly that she is ill, and that I am concerned, even from such a great distance. She always tells me not to worry, not to let things affect my mood and my work...
But it is hard not to, especially being so far away and so powerless to do anything about things... And increasingly I feel I am not really able to talk about things to people, because frankly I feel my problems and fears are burdening them. Even to my boyfriend, however well-intentioned and willing he is to share my burdens, I now only occasionally mention things on my mind and the state of mum's health when he asks.
This blog, regardless of whether anyone reads it, regardless of the quality or the repetitiveness of the writing, is a powerful outlet for me to vent my frustrations and fears when life deals blows to me and to loved ones around me, time and time again. It is what keeps me from breaking down, from just losing that precious, precious gift of hope, and longing that one day I can look back at this all and realise I am able to overcome one of life's most challenging tasks of dealing with sickness and death...
26 April 2011
Wondering...
The past, the story of how we came to be together, is filled with ups and downs. As wonderful and comforting the presence of his body and breath next to mine, at times, I cannot help but wonder what my boyfriend is thinking of...
Perhaps a lot of it are just imaginations feeding off of my own insecurity. To be fair, I have only myself to blame, and I cannot ask too much of my boyfriend. So if he says he wants to go to a concert with the boy he had an intense but short-lived relationship with, who I am to say no, even if I am uncomfortable with the idea?
To be honest, till this day, I still feel so insecure when I think back to those days in December, those days filled with tears, uncertainty and jealousy. I feel insecure when I am reminded of the intimate moments they shared, and it makes me wonder whether they are writing to one another, or speaking to one another when I am not around... Last I heard was that my boyfriend does not want to tell the other person that we are in a relationship, for fear of hurting the other guy's feelings. It is understandable, but part of me cannot shake off the idea that perhaps the other person is still waiting, still clinging onto hope of starting something with my boyfriend-- something I am partly responsible for breaking apart... And is not going to a concert filled with songs about love and relationships not pushing the limits?
But, really, who am I to say to my boyfriend he cannot see this or that person or restrict him from having contact with people in his past relationships? To to that would be just being a petty and vicious person who is trying to horde all of someone's affection and attention. Everyone has a past, and that is no different for my boyfriend (or for me for that matter...). He had relationships with different people before, he shared things and memories with other lovers before me, and those memories are there to stay. My boyfriend decided to be with me, and since those tumultuous days, we have had so many beautiful moments and laughs together. What is important is that he is with me now, and we should look forward to making a future together, to sharing our lives and experiences together instead of dwelling on things that have already happened...
Maybe there is nothing to worry about, because it is all in my mind. Maybe, as my boyfriend was humming this song to me the other day, he was trying to tell me something. I am someone who needs assurance, who needs to be told again and again that things are alright, because I have a tendency to think of the worst. Even if I do sometimes wonder whether his mind wonders when he is with me, we have come a long way since then, and it would be a shame if I cannot shake off all these feelings of insecurity deep down inside...
Perhaps a lot of it are just imaginations feeding off of my own insecurity. To be fair, I have only myself to blame, and I cannot ask too much of my boyfriend. So if he says he wants to go to a concert with the boy he had an intense but short-lived relationship with, who I am to say no, even if I am uncomfortable with the idea?
To be honest, till this day, I still feel so insecure when I think back to those days in December, those days filled with tears, uncertainty and jealousy. I feel insecure when I am reminded of the intimate moments they shared, and it makes me wonder whether they are writing to one another, or speaking to one another when I am not around... Last I heard was that my boyfriend does not want to tell the other person that we are in a relationship, for fear of hurting the other guy's feelings. It is understandable, but part of me cannot shake off the idea that perhaps the other person is still waiting, still clinging onto hope of starting something with my boyfriend-- something I am partly responsible for breaking apart... And is not going to a concert filled with songs about love and relationships not pushing the limits?
But, really, who am I to say to my boyfriend he cannot see this or that person or restrict him from having contact with people in his past relationships? To to that would be just being a petty and vicious person who is trying to horde all of someone's affection and attention. Everyone has a past, and that is no different for my boyfriend (or for me for that matter...). He had relationships with different people before, he shared things and memories with other lovers before me, and those memories are there to stay. My boyfriend decided to be with me, and since those tumultuous days, we have had so many beautiful moments and laughs together. What is important is that he is with me now, and we should look forward to making a future together, to sharing our lives and experiences together instead of dwelling on things that have already happened...
Maybe there is nothing to worry about, because it is all in my mind. Maybe, as my boyfriend was humming this song to me the other day, he was trying to tell me something. I am someone who needs assurance, who needs to be told again and again that things are alright, because I have a tendency to think of the worst. Even if I do sometimes wonder whether his mind wonders when he is with me, we have come a long way since then, and it would be a shame if I cannot shake off all these feelings of insecurity deep down inside...
Dream...
There was so much pain and suffering in the dream I dreamt in that state of subconsciousness and lying barely awake in the early hours of the morning.
I could see my cat, her black fur turned grey, and much thinned compared to its normally very soft and shiny texture. She was crying out in pain, her face and eyes full of sorrow as she miauwed with agony. I looked closer, and saw her skin was rife with pox, uneven bumps and oozing pus. It was such a horrible, horrible sight. I wanted to pet her and comfort her, but she weakly raised her front paws and as if to gesture me to stop before she scurried away with her tail between her hind legs... I watched her disappear, and turned to look around me... So strange it was that I was surrounded by faces of people closest to me in life. Faces of my family, my mother, my friends....
I could see my cat, her black fur turned grey, and much thinned compared to its normally very soft and shiny texture. She was crying out in pain, her face and eyes full of sorrow as she miauwed with agony. I looked closer, and saw her skin was rife with pox, uneven bumps and oozing pus. It was such a horrible, horrible sight. I wanted to pet her and comfort her, but she weakly raised her front paws and as if to gesture me to stop before she scurried away with her tail between her hind legs... I watched her disappear, and turned to look around me... So strange it was that I was surrounded by faces of people closest to me in life. Faces of my family, my mother, my friends....
25 April 2011
news
"Are you crying?" she asked, as she continued describing her condition. No, I wasn't crying but I was very close to. My boyfriend sat next to me, stroked my hand to comfort me, even though I kept on mouthing to tell him to continue playing tennis. We had gotten up especially early to play tennis, and I felt bad that I was taking his precious time sitting next to me.
Mum went in to the hospital today, and saw the neurosurgeon. In the last few days, the pain in her left arm, shoulder and back has intensified, even worse than ever before. It's so intense sometimes that she starts sweating from the pain she's feeling... It's so intense whether sitting down, lying down or walking, she feels he pain, and it's overwhelming her concentration and thoughts...
I cannot but feel sorry for her... But there's nothing, absolutely boning I can do from this distance to alleviate her pain and sorrow. Even if I were right next to her, I cannot help her, for so helpless, so useless am I. She received new painkillers from the doctor, but really the best is to operate to remove the large tumour pressing down on her spine and nerves. If not done soon, the entire spine collapse and leave her completely immobile. "That would be worse than death," mum said... But operating may very well cancel her plans to come see me, may very well mean that she has to be hospitalised for some time to come.
In moments like this, there is no conclusion, no certainty, no joy. All I could do was muster all my courage to assure her, to tell her to take good care and to bear with the pain, even if deep down my mind and my world is thrown into confusion and despair. Scenes of packing up, boarding a plane and leaving flashed across my mind...
To add to the pain, mum moved onto talking about my late father, and to remember how very caring and loving he was, what sacrifices he made and what he left behind for us all... That only triggered images of his face, his smile, his death, and my sorrow.
By the end of the conversation I was exhausted, drained. Perhaps also the result if very few hours if sleep, but I just wanted to crawl into bed and hide under the security of my blanket. Just sleep it all away, so I can hide in the darkest and most well hidden places of dreams and nightmares.
But I felt more guilty that my friend wanted to stay with me, to make sure I am alright, even though he does not know fully what is going on in my mind at this moment... I dont feel like talking, i feel myself shut down, partly as a measure of self protection, partly because I don't want to infect anyone, especially not him, with my negativity and burden him with the heavy weight on my shoulder.
There are such feelings of helplessness, of utter despair, and of guilt... I don't want to feel this way, I don't want the pity or to take the time if others to have to come and pick me up and drag the confidence and happiness out of me...
Originally I wanted to swing by his place and to work together with him at a table ( something we both find so cute and so productive) But I just wanted to go home, to be lane to collect my mind and thouhgts.
Worse still, we were planning to go to a pop concert tonight, and because of all this, really I am not in the mood of going anymore. Yet that also means he doesn't want to go, all because of me and my problems. Who am I to ruin other people's feelings and happiness with my problems and insecurities?
I could not help mum and take her pain away... I ruined a perfectly wonderful day for my boyfriend... what next ? In moments like this there is no conclusion, no joy, no answer. But I cannot keep in feeling like this because it affects not only me, but the feelings of people I care about most...
Mum went in to the hospital today, and saw the neurosurgeon. In the last few days, the pain in her left arm, shoulder and back has intensified, even worse than ever before. It's so intense sometimes that she starts sweating from the pain she's feeling... It's so intense whether sitting down, lying down or walking, she feels he pain, and it's overwhelming her concentration and thoughts...
I cannot but feel sorry for her... But there's nothing, absolutely boning I can do from this distance to alleviate her pain and sorrow. Even if I were right next to her, I cannot help her, for so helpless, so useless am I. She received new painkillers from the doctor, but really the best is to operate to remove the large tumour pressing down on her spine and nerves. If not done soon, the entire spine collapse and leave her completely immobile. "That would be worse than death," mum said... But operating may very well cancel her plans to come see me, may very well mean that she has to be hospitalised for some time to come.
In moments like this, there is no conclusion, no certainty, no joy. All I could do was muster all my courage to assure her, to tell her to take good care and to bear with the pain, even if deep down my mind and my world is thrown into confusion and despair. Scenes of packing up, boarding a plane and leaving flashed across my mind...
To add to the pain, mum moved onto talking about my late father, and to remember how very caring and loving he was, what sacrifices he made and what he left behind for us all... That only triggered images of his face, his smile, his death, and my sorrow.
By the end of the conversation I was exhausted, drained. Perhaps also the result if very few hours if sleep, but I just wanted to crawl into bed and hide under the security of my blanket. Just sleep it all away, so I can hide in the darkest and most well hidden places of dreams and nightmares.
But I felt more guilty that my friend wanted to stay with me, to make sure I am alright, even though he does not know fully what is going on in my mind at this moment... I dont feel like talking, i feel myself shut down, partly as a measure of self protection, partly because I don't want to infect anyone, especially not him, with my negativity and burden him with the heavy weight on my shoulder.
There are such feelings of helplessness, of utter despair, and of guilt... I don't want to feel this way, I don't want the pity or to take the time if others to have to come and pick me up and drag the confidence and happiness out of me...
Originally I wanted to swing by his place and to work together with him at a table ( something we both find so cute and so productive) But I just wanted to go home, to be lane to collect my mind and thouhgts.
Worse still, we were planning to go to a pop concert tonight, and because of all this, really I am not in the mood of going anymore. Yet that also means he doesn't want to go, all because of me and my problems. Who am I to ruin other people's feelings and happiness with my problems and insecurities?
I could not help mum and take her pain away... I ruined a perfectly wonderful day for my boyfriend... what next ? In moments like this there is no conclusion, no joy, no answer. But I cannot keep in feeling like this because it affects not only me, but the feelings of people I care about most...
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