忍...
忍...
忍...
忍到有那麼一天 受不了
就離去...
18 August 2012
17 August 2012
Nephew
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My brother and his wife had to go out for a few hours, and it was just my nephew and I (together with my cousin) left at home. I watched my nephew as he slept on the bed. Mum's bed. Such a small little being, such a small breathing creature that is so beautiful, so fragile, so malleable.
I lay down next to him, and placed my arms around him. He woke up and opened his eyes to look at me. He smiled. My heart melted, and I felt such pain in my chest. Lying on mum's bed, next to my little nephew... Mum lived her life and her life came to a close not so long ago. But my little nephew still has a whole life ahead of him...
the combination of love and longing is an indescribably painful and also heart-warming feeling.
My brother and his wife had to go out for a few hours, and it was just my nephew and I (together with my cousin) left at home. I watched my nephew as he slept on the bed. Mum's bed. Such a small little being, such a small breathing creature that is so beautiful, so fragile, so malleable.
I lay down next to him, and placed my arms around him. He woke up and opened his eyes to look at me. He smiled. My heart melted, and I felt such pain in my chest. Lying on mum's bed, next to my little nephew... Mum lived her life and her life came to a close not so long ago. But my little nephew still has a whole life ahead of him...
the combination of love and longing is an indescribably painful and also heart-warming feeling.
Hurt
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Really, who understands?
They can tell you it will take time.
They can tell you that it is normal to feel a certain way.
But who of these people underwent what I went through?
Who of these people know exactly, feel exactly as I do and can fully, fully appreciate the hurt and the depth of fear deep down?
It is too easy to talk about mourning, to say "I understand", but at the end of the day, I think to myself: "You will really understand when these things happen to you..."
And god forbid that should happen to any one...
Sometimes it's best to say nothing. Sometimes all you need to say is nothing, and all you need to do is hold someone's hand and make them feel you will be there no matter what. Because words get in the way. Words mean so little.
Really, who understands?
They can tell you it will take time.
They can tell you that it is normal to feel a certain way.
But who of these people underwent what I went through?
Who of these people know exactly, feel exactly as I do and can fully, fully appreciate the hurt and the depth of fear deep down?
It is too easy to talk about mourning, to say "I understand", but at the end of the day, I think to myself: "You will really understand when these things happen to you..."
And god forbid that should happen to any one...
Sometimes it's best to say nothing. Sometimes all you need to say is nothing, and all you need to do is hold someone's hand and make them feel you will be there no matter what. Because words get in the way. Words mean so little.
16 August 2012
Sold
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Over a month of preparation for this day.
I signed my name and stamped my seal. And the deal was made.
This house, one I helped moved into and one in which I have spent many a nights over the past three years, is no longer mine. From this day on, I am just a visitor here.
What was never mine will never be mine.
Over a month of preparation for this day.
I signed my name and stamped my seal. And the deal was made.
This house, one I helped moved into and one in which I have spent many a nights over the past three years, is no longer mine. From this day on, I am just a visitor here.
What was never mine will never be mine.
49 days
170812.0013
Two hours or so after mum passed away, three nuns gathered to chant a prayer for mum. It is a familiar Buddhist prayer from one of the sutras recited in the original Pali language used at the time of the Lord Buddha over two thousand years ago. It is a familiar prayer with a familiar melody, for it is often used at funerals.
Today marks 49 days since mum passed away. 49 days already. Over a month already. A slow, and at times grueling, 49 days. According to local beliefs, today marks yet another important moment after death, for the spirit of the deceased is said to have moved on and possibly reincarnated into another being. Where you become reincarnated and as what depends on your karma and the merit you have made throughout your life.
A few days ago, to celebrate my sister in law's birthday, I treated her and my brother (and little nephew) to a fancy meal at a restaurant that mum and I went to back in October last year. I found pictures of mum and showed it to them, and pointed out where we were sitting back then and what we ordered. It was a wonderful evening, and in a way a commemoration of mum at a place where she once ate at. Tonight, we all went out to a restaurant, and despite the smiles and sharing a tableful of good food, I felt this empty presence... I looked to my side, at the chair and imagined mum sitting there with us, smiling, munching away and chit-chatting with us...
49 days, or seven weeks, since mum's passing, and exactly two weeks till my departure. More and more, a lot of mum's belongings are being put into boxes. More and more, this home is becoming less a home and more a place with brown boxes and heaps of things to be given or thrown away...
Mum, wherever you may be now, know that you are missed and will never be forgotten...
Go, go and be free and be happy...
Two hours or so after mum passed away, three nuns gathered to chant a prayer for mum. It is a familiar Buddhist prayer from one of the sutras recited in the original Pali language used at the time of the Lord Buddha over two thousand years ago. It is a familiar prayer with a familiar melody, for it is often used at funerals.
Today marks 49 days since mum passed away. 49 days already. Over a month already. A slow, and at times grueling, 49 days. According to local beliefs, today marks yet another important moment after death, for the spirit of the deceased is said to have moved on and possibly reincarnated into another being. Where you become reincarnated and as what depends on your karma and the merit you have made throughout your life.
A few days ago, to celebrate my sister in law's birthday, I treated her and my brother (and little nephew) to a fancy meal at a restaurant that mum and I went to back in October last year. I found pictures of mum and showed it to them, and pointed out where we were sitting back then and what we ordered. It was a wonderful evening, and in a way a commemoration of mum at a place where she once ate at. Tonight, we all went out to a restaurant, and despite the smiles and sharing a tableful of good food, I felt this empty presence... I looked to my side, at the chair and imagined mum sitting there with us, smiling, munching away and chit-chatting with us...49 days, or seven weeks, since mum's passing, and exactly two weeks till my departure. More and more, a lot of mum's belongings are being put into boxes. More and more, this home is becoming less a home and more a place with brown boxes and heaps of things to be given or thrown away...
Mum, wherever you may be now, know that you are missed and will never be forgotten...
Go, go and be free and be happy...
14 August 2012
Terrible emptiness
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I feels so empty inside it hurts...
This place feels so foreign it hurts...
I feels so empty inside it hurts...
This place feels so foreign it hurts...
13 August 2012
Biking with group of friends, two people to a bike
Hilly and challenging route
I sped forward and going very quickly
Others arguing and one being a pain and slowing everyone down
At one point everyone climbed a great big tower-like structure
I got on top and tower started wobbling... It collapsed
Terrible, terrible fear...
Hilly and challenging route
I sped forward and going very quickly
Others arguing and one being a pain and slowing everyone down
At one point everyone climbed a great big tower-like structure
I got on top and tower started wobbling... It collapsed
Terrible, terrible fear...
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