Restlessness

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My mind... It's so restless. Drifting to people and places far, far beyond the walls of this meditation hall... Drifting to moments in the past and imaginations in the future, being anywhere but here and in the now.

I  cannot control this mind, this mind beset by guilt, attachments and longings... This mind that is so wild and free, yet in actual fact so constrained by conditioning and by habit.

I look inward, and I see darkness, I see nothing. I see fear, liking and disliking, I hear dialogue with myself and I see a frightened being wanting to break free from the past and people of the past. I see a meditator trying to overcome physical pain, trying to see through mental creations trying to find that moment of peace and calm.

I am trying.
I am beginning to understand again.

In the end, we are no one. In the end, we are nothing. In the end, all this claim to fame, all this wealth, all these desires we feed and all these hatreds we harbour mean nothing.

Do you want to live life, live the rest of your years, blind and deaf and constantly struggling against yourself and the world, like the vast majority of people?

Or do you want to break free?

Mama...

It was a crowded room full of people (felt like it was my brother's mother-in-law's place...). The tv was blaring, there were a lot of people (who I could not see...) And the noise of chatter. I could not make out what was being said. The tv screen flashed with the news and the opening credits of some tv show. 

I curled up in the corner and closed my eyes. I opened my eyes and saw the tv flash, heard the noise of constant chatter and felt the presence (though could still not see) of a lot of people...

Then I felt a sudden wrenching emotion. I felt a particular presence (or in this case, abnsence...) of one person. I felt the absence of my mother. I felt again, amidst all this noise and in the midst of all these faceless (and "invisible") people, that painful, painful void! 

That painful void!

That besrtwrenching void!

I started to sob uncontrollably. 

"Mama.... Mama....!" I seemed to cry out curled up in the corner. " Mama...!"

I woke up, and with the wretched pain torturing my body, my chest/lung area, I had tears in my eyes.

Pain...

The chest pains are so bad I can hardly sleep. Every move I make , I ache. And coughing makes it all the worse...

What's wrong, body?
What's wrong? Why do I ache so badly....?

And the dogs keep on barking...
Do they sense something is happening with the earth? Two days ago, there was very unusual seismic activity north of Taipei, the capital. 4.4 Richter, not a big quake, but the location was very peculiar, somewhere where theres not been seismic activity for thousands years.

Experts have been predicting a  big one, a very very destructive one. Far more destructive than the one in 1999 which killed over two thoudand, the epicentre of which was merely a dozen kilometers or so from where I am right now. Could there be signs?

Restless night.

Valentine's Day

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"Where are you, my Valentine?
Somewhere out there waiting for me,
Just as I am waiting for you.
Can I see you, my Valentine?
Can I touch your face, feel your heart beat and kiss you 
The way you touch me, feel me and kiss me?

In sorrow and in joy, in moments of loss and in moments of gain, in pain and in elation, 
You are on my mind."

I've been in the mountains for three days now. The air is cleaner and clearer, and I have been told the environment will help me heal and recuperate. I've been sleeping a lot, and if not sleeping, meditating or chatting with the monk. The fever has gone, the dizziness and head aches have subsided, but the coughing remains, and there seems to be no sign of easing. And for two days now, I feel this sharp pain in my lungs when I cough, a pain that is accompanied by a shooting pain  in my lower abdomen. When I cough, the phlegm that comes out, though clear, somehow tastes bloody. And it's not just when I cough, but also when I breathe deeply, or when I want to speak louder or project my voice. I fear something may be wrong with my lungs, and I've been urged to go to the hospital or at least see a doctor to have a check up. It may be pneumonia, or some kind of damage to my lung from the prolonged coughing and fever before that's causing the very sharp abd constant pain on either side of my chest /lung area.

This influenza has really wrecked my body, and I am experiencing side effects and after effects now, almost three weeks after the initial symptoms. But you know me and hospitals... I avoid them like a plague. I am traumatised bt hospitals and doctors after prolonged exposure to them those months of being in such close contact with them as my mum's health deteriorated and eventuallly passed. My fear is such I'd rather suffer pain (sometimes so unbearable...) Than step into another hospital. It's not good, I know. And it's perhaps a reason why I'm in such terrible shape now because I didn't seek medical attention until four days after I started having severe fever, even though it was clear not ordinary pills were helping...

This morning I went downstairs to a special surprise. The monk and two friends had plotted a small early birthday gathering for me. They brought a beautifully decorated chocolate mousse cake and twenty pink roses, and laid out several gifts on the table to surprise  me. I was and felt so embarrassed. 

I never like being the centre of attention and receiving things (though I do love to give surprises and give...), so much so I expressly tell people not to do anything on my birthday and not to get me anything. And for several years now, I turned off the birthday function on Facebook so people are nor reminded. But besides fresh flowers and nicely wrapped gifts (mainly precious Buddhist artefacts and scrolls for me to decorate my little shrine at home, the one inherited from my mother...), there were cut out hearts to coincide with Valentine's Day. I was moved, genuinely touched, and its not even my birthday yet. 

The little cake and coffee/tea party was just right... Three people I close to and appreciate, especially the monk who for the past seven (almost eight!) years has been like a father figure, who has offered me much spiritual and personal guidance and counselling. We ate and drank and delighted in one another's plesantness and company, which made me forget about my illness and body pains. 

They lit a candle and said I needed to make a wish.

And so I made one. 

May it come true. 

Sadhu, sadhu, sadhu... 

After the illlness

Over ten days since my fever began. The fever has more or less gone (though I'm having "heat flashes" and occasional outbreaks of sweat...), but the side effects linger. Is it from the meds or from the H1N1? I don't know...

All I know is I'm so tired, so very tired, and my body still aches and pains. And the coughing is almost incessant, like there is an endless irritation in my throat that I cannot get rid of. The more I cough, the weaker I get. Sometimes the coughing is so bad I feel my stomach churning and feel like I'm going to throw up. All the while, my head seems to be spinning and I can hardly focus without my my drifting away and being left in a daze...

I'm in no condition to go anywhere or deal anything. Yet, there are still effects belonging to my late mother I need to sort  through, things I could not deal with because last new year I could not return. My brother and his wife, in a hurry to clear everything out and quickly rent the place out for rent, more or less shipped everything to their mum(-in-law)'s place, which means I need to open boxes and sort things and decide what to do with them. It's like unearthing a grave after the body's long gone and buried.

Not something Im looking forward to, especially not in the condition I am in. I need more rest, more sleep, more healthy food to replenish my battered and exhausted body and spirit.

Mum's plants

Still alive after all this time...

Dizziness

So dizzy...
So weak...
So tired.

Day nine

Almost day nine since I fell ill, and day six after I started receiving treatment. My head is hurting so badly, and I have difficulty concentrating. When I look at something, like the floor, it seems to shift and move. Dizzying...

Is it the lingering effects of the severe strain of the influenza virus or lingering effects of the medicine that is supposed to kill the influenza virus? I don't know. I know only my body is aching and in great discomfort in ways I have rarely felt before. And yesterday, after the follow-up, the doctor prescribed with with dozens of medicine I have to take to fully eradicate the virus. I am tempted not to take them, as I have this innate resistance against taking pills (I've seen my parents take more than enough pills in their lives........). I am tempted to not take the pills also because I feel I am destroying my body and insides but gulping down all these chemicals and man-made toxins. But what is the alternative? Allow my body to weaken from an illness or from the pills? I just want to get rid of this terrible throbbing headache and physical discomfort that I cannot fully describe let alone pin-point the origin of. 

 Where did the days go? The past ten days in Taiwan have been a haze, composed of sleep, lots of coughing and a stint at the emergency room. Family and relatives have been around me and are concerned about my wellbeing, and especially my auntie (mum's youngest sister) has shown me great hospitality and kindness... 

But this is exactly the kind of moment I miss my parents the most. This is the kind of moment when I wish there were this special someone to care for me and to tell me I will be alright...