Valentine's Day

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"Where are you, my Valentine?
Somewhere out there waiting for me,
Just as I am waiting for you.
Can I see you, my Valentine?
Can I touch your face, feel your heart beat and kiss you 
The way you touch me, feel me and kiss me?

In sorrow and in joy, in moments of loss and in moments of gain, in pain and in elation, 
You are on my mind."

I've been in the mountains for three days now. The air is cleaner and clearer, and I have been told the environment will help me heal and recuperate. I've been sleeping a lot, and if not sleeping, meditating or chatting with the monk. The fever has gone, the dizziness and head aches have subsided, but the coughing remains, and there seems to be no sign of easing. And for two days now, I feel this sharp pain in my lungs when I cough, a pain that is accompanied by a shooting pain  in my lower abdomen. When I cough, the phlegm that comes out, though clear, somehow tastes bloody. And it's not just when I cough, but also when I breathe deeply, or when I want to speak louder or project my voice. I fear something may be wrong with my lungs, and I've been urged to go to the hospital or at least see a doctor to have a check up. It may be pneumonia, or some kind of damage to my lung from the prolonged coughing and fever before that's causing the very sharp abd constant pain on either side of my chest /lung area.

This influenza has really wrecked my body, and I am experiencing side effects and after effects now, almost three weeks after the initial symptoms. But you know me and hospitals... I avoid them like a plague. I am traumatised bt hospitals and doctors after prolonged exposure to them those months of being in such close contact with them as my mum's health deteriorated and eventuallly passed. My fear is such I'd rather suffer pain (sometimes so unbearable...) Than step into another hospital. It's not good, I know. And it's perhaps a reason why I'm in such terrible shape now because I didn't seek medical attention until four days after I started having severe fever, even though it was clear not ordinary pills were helping...

This morning I went downstairs to a special surprise. The monk and two friends had plotted a small early birthday gathering for me. They brought a beautifully decorated chocolate mousse cake and twenty pink roses, and laid out several gifts on the table to surprise  me. I was and felt so embarrassed. 

I never like being the centre of attention and receiving things (though I do love to give surprises and give...), so much so I expressly tell people not to do anything on my birthday and not to get me anything. And for several years now, I turned off the birthday function on Facebook so people are nor reminded. But besides fresh flowers and nicely wrapped gifts (mainly precious Buddhist artefacts and scrolls for me to decorate my little shrine at home, the one inherited from my mother...), there were cut out hearts to coincide with Valentine's Day. I was moved, genuinely touched, and its not even my birthday yet. 

The little cake and coffee/tea party was just right... Three people I close to and appreciate, especially the monk who for the past seven (almost eight!) years has been like a father figure, who has offered me much spiritual and personal guidance and counselling. We ate and drank and delighted in one another's plesantness and company, which made me forget about my illness and body pains. 

They lit a candle and said I needed to make a wish.

And so I made one. 

May it come true. 

Sadhu, sadhu, sadhu...